Trans Girl Destiny

 

Image from
the JJ Hart
Archives.

When I was given the keys to a transgender existence, on occasion I have to pause and consider how I have arrived here.

Unlocking all the mysteries of crossing the gender border proved to be more than I could deal with on occasion but I kept on moving forward. Trying to find out what it meant to achieve my dream of living as a transgender woman. Finally I learned to relax and let destiny take it's course. Before I could even begin to relax, I needed to learn the new rules of the road.

The rules of being a woman were not easy to learn before I was accepted for admittance into the club. I discovered along the way there were more female privilege's other than having doors opened for me by men. One of the biggest ones was being allowed to communicate with other women on a mostly non confrontational-passive aggressive platform. Along the way, the lessons learned were brutal and I ended up walking away with many scratches or claw marks on my back. Primarily I found not to even try to look at or get close to a woman's man. It frustrated me because the man always made the first move and I had no real interest at all but none of it mattered to the other woman. Another mystery solved as I worked my way towards my transgender destiny. 

During the years in between my final solution to my gender issues, I was held back by many circumstances beyond my immediate control. I felt pressure to maintain my marriage of twenty five years and a job I was rapidly progressing in. To maintain my life, I tried to balance my existence between the two primary binary genders which only provided temporary relief and in some cases, even made it worse. When I became more successful in living as a trans woman, I felt so good and natural, I just wanted more and more. Which included no going back to my old male life which ironically I worked so hard to maintain. Destiny was trying to tell me eventually I would have to give it all up and start over but I could not find the courage to do it.

As I waited and waited for my chance to transition, I came to the point of no return. Magically, at the age of sixty destiny really came into play. First of all, I was to the point when I considered gender affirming hormones as the next huge move I could make concerning my chance to live as a full-time transgender woman. As I was considering the move, the Veteran's Administration suddenly announced they would now cover HRT as part of their health care for veterans. Which I happened to be a part of. The only hold up was I needed to see a therapist at the VA for an approval. I still remember how nervous I was the first time I went to see my therapist and after a second visit, I had my approval for my life changing hormones. 

It was around this time too, my second wife had passed away. Leaving me very much on my own to consider any gender decisions. My choice as clear and impactful as destiny was showing me the way forward and leave my ill-fated dual gender life behind and live as a transgender woman. When I did, I found I had other major decisions to make such as the possibility of undergoing major gender realignment surgeries. I decided against it for several reasons such as I did not have any insurance to cover it and the VA in those days was not covering SRS at all. Similar to Medicare covering breast augmentation or facial femininization surgeries. I am not sure how much any of those entities support those surgeries to this day, so don't quote me on it. The only aspect I decided on was my gender was between my ears and not my legs and those closest to me viewed me as a woman. So I had achieved my goal.

I can't forget the final part of my transition life which destiny played an important role was the financial part. Since age wise I was so close to being able to retire early on social security, I could sell my vintage items on the side and make enough to go ahead and retire. Which meant I would not have to worry about doing a gender transition when I was working. 

So, I had secured my big three aspects of my transition so I had no real reason not to pursue my transgender dreams. Destiny worked for me.

More on Transgender Veterans Care

 

Michelle sent in an update on the recent announcement by the Veterans Administration (VA) approving gender realignment surgeries:

" Here's un update on the VA. I talked to several friends that work for the VA and help run clinics for trans people. One stated that it is in the rules and regulations that full trans care has been approved but will take time to get it written into the operating procedures. Apparently, several of the clinics here in Florida already have the personnel that specialize in trans care but the problem is that no formal trans exclusive clinics are set up. My friends say that it may take up to a year to get everything fully established. Here's hoping it won't take that long, but then again it's the government."

Thanks for the update!

As I have written before, a few of my dealings with the VA in the past have resulted in me being referred to an outside provider.  Which leads me to this point, where you are will probably dictate how fast the VA can react to this new ruling. 

For example, I know of two experienced hospitals here in Ohio which do SRS. Perhaps it would be easier for the VA to refer cases to them. 

We shall see. As you said Michelle, it's the government. Personally,  as far as I am concerned, I am fortunate in that I don't desire any radical surgeries to reaffirm my femininity..

We Got Mail

I received two great comments about the Cyrsti's Condo post yesterday which primarily revolved around accepting compliments and hair. The first came from Paula across the pond in the UK:

"I found that it was only when I abandoned the wigs that I began to truly be me, before that I was always playing a part, maybe it was two different parts, but still playing acting. When I could start wearing my own hair it became real!

I think the thing about compliments of common to a lot of Trans women; we were programmed like men, we were expected to give compliments not to receive them, it goes against all our conditioning to simply accept the compliment and say "Thank you".

Excellent points Paula! As I wrote before, I was exceedingly bad at attempting to buy the right wigs. For the most part, I was either trying to go more blond or with more hair than I could pull off. 

Now, let's check in with Connie:

"I was once told by another trans woman that I would never be able to transition successfully because I wear wigs - no better than a "professional cross dresser," she said. Having a good head of hair is definitely a luxury for a trans woman, but it's certainly not a necessity. I know that I am, at least, more of a lady than she is, and some people may be no better than a "professional bitch," I suppose.

I receive compliments on my hair from time to time. Some may not know that I'm wearing a wig at all. A friend I've known for five years did not realize that I wore wigs until just a few weeks ago. She had invited me to spend a girls' weekend with her at a nearby casino, and I must admit that I accepted the invitation with some trepidation. I was flattered that she felt accepting enough to be sharing a hotel room with me, a trans woman, not to mention that she also felt safe enough to be doing so. I wasn't sure how I was going to conceal all of the causes of my dysphoria, including my bald head, and her touting the wonderful pool and spa that we could use did not help. I finally told her that I don't swim because of my wig, and I don't think she thought any less of me for wearing one.

It's been years since anyone has seen my bald head. Even I will spend as little time as possible looking at it. If it's not a wig on my head, there's almost always something covering it - whether it's a turbine or just a towel wrapped around it. I will sleep in a wig if there is a chance that someone may see me. I did it with my friend in the room, and I even left my eye makeup on for good measure. Everything else was covered up, too. ;-)"

Thanks Connie! I think Stana of Femulate  blogging fame is another transgender woman  who does an excellent job with her hair and shows having your own hair is not a necessity for a successful Mtf transition. In fact it sounds like one of those "I'm more trans than you" statements. 

I'm sure too, since I have opted not to have any genital surgery some would think I am no better than a professional cross dresser too. Regardless, I have decided to do the very best I can! 

The picture to the right is one of me in one of the few wigs I bought I really liked.

Amira

Different people celebrate going through the act of a sex realignment surgery in different ways.

One of more dramatic celebrations recently came from  Blantyre’s Amira Nadeem who celebrated her first year as a woman by appearing naked on national television.

The 21-year-old starred in Channel 4’s dating show Naked Attraction tonight, where hopeful singletons choose a date from six people, based solely on the power of naked attraction.

Amira decided to show off the body she had longed for and said: “One night I was sitting watching TV eating chips and cheese, and it just came to me. I decided to go for it.

“After going through my sex-change operation, I felt proud and wanted to show myself to the world.

“I wanted to encourage more people like me who have been through what I’ve been through to come out and be themselves.”

Definitely, a dramatic way to do it!  

Boring

The two meetings yesterday provided little blog content.

My first, was a regular appointment with the psychologist who monitors my meds and moods, seeing as how I am bi-polar. She asks questions such as have I thought about killing myself recently (no), or anyone else (NO!) not even in the brutal Cincinnati rush hour traffic. The only real drama was when a "fake" therapy dog in the hallway yelped a couple of times.

After taking the elevator down the seven floors for liquid refreshment from my fave coffee shop which operates a franchise in the hospital as part of the overall canteen. Once I got it, I went upstairs to attend the LGBTQ support group meeting. Unfortunately, the "on again-off again" SRS person wasn't there. She normally has something remotely interesting to say, even though it my not be true. There was one person there who shared his stories of attending San Francisco Pride days. Plus the moderator had even been to New York's Pride extravaganza.

Melissa

Our token lesbian talked of attending a "Dyke" party at a Melissa Etheridge concert at Lima, Ohio. If you are not aware of her, she is an out lesbian entertainer and an out spoken proponent of marijuana.

She has a gravely voice and could be an example for what I am trying to achieve.

Of course, my voice lessons did come out and another participant seemed interested in trying out the same program.

Sometimes it amazes me how much you can write about nothing really important.

Like, what is going to happen to the suspended The Ohio State University football coach Urban Meyer :)

Coming up next? Trying to figure out what to wear on my mini vacation this weekend in Columbus, Ohio. Now, that's important!

Monday, Monday

Being retired, on occasion, the days always have a tendency to crush together, except Monday's, it seems. Today, I have to deliver a package I'm shipping to the local post office, write a blog post and take care of other essentials. Past that, seemingly, negotiating around a very needy cat, who wants to help write the blog post is the main problem. I am not the best typist in the world and even more challenged when a cat is laying on one arm. Then again, maybe I should let her write the post

I do though, have a cross dresser - transgender support group meeting tonight. I plan on volunteering to do more outreach work with the group, which should meet with mixed results, on my part. Sometimes I'm up to the challenge, sometimes not so much. I do know some of the trans women who did it in the past from the group and technically I know I can hold my own.

Since I have been retired for a couple years now, I have found I have very specific routines which are tough to break. For example, today I have to apply at least basic makeup to go to the post office earlier, then refine it for the meeting. As far as clothes go, I try to change up my outfits for the meetings, which are basically casual.  Since many have had SRS and live full time, they have a tendency to not dress up as far as the cross dressers who attend. Plus, I do always try to stop at my favorite coffee shop on the way to partake of one their special "blends" for the evening.

So you have a look into my very "normal" transgender life.

Oh, by the way...my cat says Hi!

Time Marches On.

As I was talking to my therapist yesterday, and brought up how quickly the Trans Ohio Symposium was approaching, I said it seems like it was only yesterday when I applied for my workshop.

She asked if Liz (my partner) was going again and I said most certainly. She even takes a couple extra days off around the week-end and makes it a mini vacation. Then she asked me what my workshop would entail.  As I have pointed out here in Cyrsti's Condo, I plan on speaking on "survivor" mechanisms for transgender women and trans men as we make our way through life. Such as cross dressing.

Oldest known picture.

I also plan to attack the "I'm more trans than you fallacy" as well as levels of transition.

Now though, after my latest support meeting, I'm thinking of adding "hitting walls" into my workshop. After, the so called self appointed "social director" of the group was not her usually "bubbly"self. Personally, I think she has hit a wall. She is just starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) has divorced her wife and spends nearly every night out with a close knit group of trans women and/or cross dressers. As I have often said,  sooner more than later, we all find out that being transgender women is more like being cis women in the world. All the pretty clothes can't make you happy all of the time. Life goes on, and yes sometimes it does become rather mundane.

Plus, after you climb one wall, you have to rest and decide when and if you are going to climb the next one. Which invariably could lead you to genital realignment surgery, if you desire it enough. Even SRS though, seemingly hasn't satisfied some of the trans women I have known over the years.

I just may be adding "walls" to my workshop! 

It's OK!

As I wrote in the last Cyrsti's Condo post, there is plenty of room to differentiate cross dressers and transgender women.

An example is one of the professed cross dressers who comes to one of my transgender support group meetings. She is quite attractive and seems to be quite secure in who she is. She says she is satisfied with a life that has her looking like a cis woman part time and living like a guy the rest. Yes, she is married.

Granted, to be able to live like she does, one has to have an understanding spouse.

I wonder too, if the number of trans nazi's who drift through the group, influence her too. Several just aren't pleasant people and don't seem to be secure in their Mtf transition. One is even a total "IQ-45"(Rump) fan, which I can't come close to understanding. She went through SRS several years ago and just has a level of meanness which doesn't lurk so far beneath the surface.

Of course, being trans is not just a trait you somehow acquire, I believe you are born into it...or not.

The cross dressers in the group profess having the freedom to dress or not, but a transgender person doesn't. The difference being, a cross dresser wants to look like a cis woman, while a trans person wants to be a cis woman. Or live the life of one.

Some, like the person at the meeting, are fortunate to have been able to transition well enough to step between the genders. Most just aren't.

Either way, it's OK to exist together. Cross Dressers and transgender women are just as different as drag queens are to us.

Monday Blues?

This is another one of those days when my Cyrsti's Condo's blog ideas are difficult to come by. After all, you have probably noticed, I have relied heavily on the creativity of regular readers'comments to provide quality content.

I have even written about going stealth as a transgender woman.

It's also difficult to write about every time I go out as a trans woman, because I am living 24/7. Our weekly shopping trip to the grocery store yesterday was predictably boring. Except the cash out girl who gave me the "princess" look when I balked at helping to bag the groceries. Liz would have killed me! I suppose I should be happy she thought enough of me to fire off the powerful woman to woman non verbal communication.

So, let's jump ahead. Tomorrow, I am going to another transgender or even LGBT support group meeting in Dayton, Ohio. Normally, I have a person or so I need to write about, but lately I haven't even seen the "on again" - "off again" SRS "transendered" (her words) woman from Indiana.

I have even figured out which outfit I will be wearing on our annual New Years Eve "date" and where we are going.

Oh yeah, while I am on my whining binge, my estrodial patches are bothering me this morning. Every once in awhile, they itch a day after I change them out. On the other hand, I feel they are doing me some good if I can feel some sort of reaction in my breasts...or "breast-ed's" as our Indiana friend says. :)

Even though it wasn't much of a post, maybe later on today, I will be inspired!

Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"

This post was written back in 2012 and considers the idea of a cross dressing = transgender addiction:

"I was working on my book last night and going over chapter ideas.  One of the old ideas I always felt  ridiculous was cross dressing being an entry gateway to transsexualism. Not unlike the marijuana/ heroine connection. If you put on your Mom or sister's clothes, sooner or later you would be going under the SRS knife. If you took a hit on a bong, heroine and ruin was in your future.

Years later as I think about it, I can see how the connection can be made. As I explored my life as a closeted cross dresser, for the most part I was just confused. Nothing was enough. Dressing more, a new outfit or wig and even passing well at the mall were only temporary fixes. Something was missing.

I have smoked the "heathen weed" but thank goodness never went any farther in the drug culture but have heard the impact cocaine or heroin has on a mind. I can compare my fix in a similar sense I guess.  Of course without the terrible health problems drug use causes.

The end result was I finally ended the short term fixes and faced up to my true self. I found my own transgender religion. I vividly remember the night not so long ago it happened. I was me and I embraced myself totally for the first time in my life.

I can see however the feeling that night could have been compared to the great feeling of wellness heroine supposedly gives you. The difference is I don't need a hit every day to maintain the high.

That's the reason I can say cross dressing was not a gateway drug for me, I found I used it to mask who I really was. The whole time I was transgender...DUH! But certainly others may be different in that cross dressing may be the only gender fix they ever need for whatever reason. No different than drinking a beer when you come home from work and not a fifth of bourbon.

Life is kind of like that...right?"

Transition by Definition?

Several years ago, we ran a post here in Cyrsti's Condo called Beyond Transition. At that time I mentioned I had a few more thoughts to share on the matter.  I was curious to see how many (if any) of my ideas had changed over the years:

"Beyond Transition" is a huge idea to be sure. I look at transition as a passage from point "a" to point "b".  When I look at the transgender community as a whole, does anyone ever really get to point "b"? My only point of reference is when I'm out with friends and I lose any sense of gender. I simply just am who I am. Have I transitioned, am I done? Am I the same as a transsexual woman who has gone through SRS and lives her life with no fanfare down your street? Could be...or not.

Although I have not had the surgeries the trans woman down the street has had, would her transition qualify as being more complete?  Probably not. In essence if either of us is facing taking estrogen till the day we die, we are still transitioning.  Perhaps the only defining separation is one of us is determined to talk about our life to hopefully lend some guidance to others - the other not and that's fine too.

On the other hand transitioning does imply a certain series of events.  The external move from gender "a" to "b" is very clear. You decide you need to change to live, you begin to socialize yourself in your non birth gender, you decide you want to ingest chemicals into your body to further the process and you go "under the knife" to complete any physical changes you may deem necessary. This black and white process looks very good on paper and especially works well with a male mind but often runs into problems with the mental processes.

In my case, some would assume I already have the problems with my mental processes, so it's been damn difficult on occasion to sort out what is coming from where.  An example is years ago on my first visit to a "gender therapist", she asked if I had any problems with my cross dressing. I said no but I did have problems on the effect it was having on my marriage.  To make a long expensive story short, the only good result of the visits was that she diagnosed me with a very clear bi-polar disorder.

So I guess MtF transitioning is in the mind of the beholder.  The TS woman down the street may be "snug as a bug in the rug" in her stealth life.  On the other hand, I don't think I have ever been snug at anything. If the river is calm, bring me a boat to rock to see if I can tip it in my heels. Plus I hope I never lose the wonder of where this life has taken me.

Years ago when Uncle Sam let me go after three glorious years, I was discharged at Ft. Dix in New Jersey where my car was waiting from Germany.  I threw my duffel bag in the back seat of my 1973 VW Beetle and headed home to Ohio.  The next morning was clear, blue and beautiful when I got onto the Pennsylvania turnpike.  Just for a split second at a toll booth on a hill and had a chance to look at the road in the valley ahead. What a rush of freedom it was!  I thought I would never have a chance to reclaim that moment again but guess what - I'm close. Never say never.

So I guess my transition will only end when I depart this life and I look back and think how crazy it was that being transgender was so earth shattering. I will get back to you on that!

Yay or Nay

This archive post goes back a couple of years here in Cyrsti's Condo but it is still relevant for me today:

"Back in the day" when I was cross dressing and beginning to explore the feminine world, I constantly thought would I - could I ever "go full time."  Obviously (for any number of reasons) I took my time almost to the point of suicide. 

During that period of time a couple things stood out in my mind. One of which was a "documentary" of sorts about a person who was shown picking out a wardrobe ahead of her trip to Thailand for her SRS.  Afterwards, the story skipped ahead to a welcome home party of sorts to her home town. I thought at the time, wasn't that all a bit too easy? What did walking around in her new "little black dress" at the party have to do with her reestablishing a new life?

Then, there was the guy who went through sex reassignment surgery, lived as a woman for a few years and wanted no part of it. I remember thinking Wow - shouldn't a person be sure? Would I ever be? What if I went the distance and could never go back.

Well, I have never "gone the distance" as far as SRS was concerned and at the age of 66, I wonder about the health concerns of doing so. As it turned out, I learned the hard way what was between my ears defined me. Not what is between my legs.

I'm no expert but, over the years people have asked me what questions (and answers) which brought me to where I am today.  My best advice is very simple. There are two ways NOT to find out if you can OR if you want to live as a trans woman. No matter how much time anybody says you should live a feminine life, that does not mean walking the mall day after day or hanging out in gay venues. It means doing decidedly unfeminine things (which women have to do) like going to an auto parts store-etc. 

Plus, recently, Connie and I have have been discussing another level of acceptance in the world-as yourself as a transgender woman. In nearly polar opposites in the country we both became members of "Meet Up" Groups. In doing so, we have discovered total strangers like us for our feminine selves. Not a small deal of course. 

So, of course, if one rushes into this gender change thing at any age, it's tough. It just could be tougher the older you get and the extra baggage (not under my eyes!) which comes with age. I can only say, as I MtF transitioned, I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was doing the right thing. I can also understand why many would call me all too timid also!!!"

Going All The Way with HRT

Cyrsti's Condo received two comments concerning my Who Was That Woman post:

1. joanna SantosNovember 5, 2017 at 6:07 PM

   Excellent good for you Cyrsti!
2. 
   Paula GoodwinNovember 6, 2017 at 7:37 AM

   Most of the things we fear never happen!
   
   I'm a little behind you on the HRT Route ~ well quite a bit actually, but the changes to how I look to others is already quite dramatic, my latest joy is having the confidence in appearance to go out without makeup.
3. Thanks to both of you ladies for your comments!
4. I still don't think most cross dressers contemplating the move to full time transgender status fully realize what it means. 
5. To start with, the move makes cross dressing up more than something which happens on a special occasion and takes hours. You learn fairly quickly what cis women know all along. You work with what you have and do the best you can with time and financial constraints. I'm not saying going out looking like a slob but there is a middle point of blending in with all the other women you are around.
6. A case in point happened to me yesterday at the grocery store when I spotted a large blond woman around the deli. My "trans-dar" went off ever so slightly. She was wearing nice jeans and a bright colored top and as I was looking at her, she turned back and smiled at me. Of course, not wanting to be a bitch, I smiled back, hoping to get another look. Or at least, a honorable mention. 
7. The point is we were dressed in the appropriate genre of clothing to blend in where we were shopping. Not glamorous but effective.
8. There is another point to be made, which gets into the tender areas of one person claiming they are "more trans" than the other. Without being too over-simplistic, here is how it worked for me:
9. Very early in my cross dressing experience, the clothes lost their fetishistic buzz but the urge to be a girl didn't. So for those of you who think being transgender is a forever condition...I qualify. If I would have ever been content with just cross dressing up to the max whenever I could, I would have fallen into the crossdresser category. Which there is absolutely nothing wrong with. If I was just into cross dressing, I can't begin to tell you the time, sorrow and effort I would have saved. 
10. Plus, I can only tell you now, going all the way with HRT was the way for me personally and some will say I am still a transgender impostor because I don't desire to go any farther and subject myself to the pain of SRS.
11. The bottom line is (of course) we are all on a gender spectrum (continuum) and when and if we find the proper point for us, we feel at home.
12. Here is hoping we all do!

The Wizard Was Kind

I had quite the day yesterday during the two transgender support group meetings I went to.

The first one at the Dayton, Ohio VA Hospital was a bit more boring since the on again/off again SRS trans woman didn't attend. She always aggravates me when she uses terms such as "transgendered" and "transgenders" when referring to others in the LGBT trans tribe. So overall, I found "boring" to be more pleasant. My lesbian friend was there to make up for the loss.

The second meeting was attended by a nice mix of trans women and transgender men with a wide variety of ages. I always an inspired somehow by being around transgender youth and feeling their energy. Being a new attendee, I was told I had to give my life story. A mistake to be sure. If I didn't give the abbreviated version, we would still be there :).

The whole day was good since I was going to accepting places and feeling good about the way I looked. I went with my gray boots, black leggings and a hip hugging gray sweater. Some days I feel I get my makeup right for the occasion and sometimes I don't. Yesterday, I felt I did.

So even though the second meeting is tough for me to get to (and back) I am going to try to get to it again. As the elder (?) in the group, I think sometimes my input means something. I told all of them how proud I was of their efforts in coming out.

The Wizard was good to me.

Semi Busy

This week will be a little busy.

Tonight is another Crossport transgender - crossdresser support meeting. Even though not many attend, there is normally interesting conversation from individuals ranging from totally in the closet to those who have gone all the way through SRS. It's starting to get a bit cooler now, so I expect more attendees.

Wednesday is another fun filled day with my therapist and final trip to the attorney to fill out my probate paperwork.

Again, it is supposed to be cooler on Wednesday so I am thinking about leggings and boots for the day.

Other than that, we are moving closer and closer to the magik bewitching hour of Halloween. At it's best, a chance for those cross dressers and trans women still in the closet to burst out and strut their feminine selves or, at the least a chance for all of us to join cis women everywhere and wear something a little trashy.

A chance for you to add to your favorite LGBT Halloween story!

In All Fairness...

Connie responded to my recent post about a supposed smoker and her recent SRS. In all fairness to her I should have said "alleged" smoker because she could have lived around others who smoked:

"I have to wonder about someone who gets the surgery while still needing makeup counseling. What kind of transition is it when you are dependent on the government to do it for you? I don't disparage anyone for taking advantage of available services, but I think of transitioning to be like earning a freedom. There's a lot of personal effort that is required to do it, and scoring free (or heavily subsidized) surgeries, services, and accessories is not enough. Also, all of the reputable doctors I know of would never prescribe HRT or perform a surgery for one who smokes - especially one who is of Medicare age. It all sounds as fishy as the seafood counter to me.

Having said all that, I am interested in what procedures (or hoops) there are to getting Medicare to sign off on SRS. I hear stories of it happening, but I never hear how to do it. Did this woman offer any useful information, or was she just bragging? By the way, I hope she only does her bragging to trans groups, because there are many people who would be pissed off to learn that Medicare is paying for SRS.

Is "DAME" an acronym? If so, what does it stand for? Not "Dykes Against Men Everywhere" I hope!"

As far as makeup counseling, I think this person is one who has taken the process (in my mind) totally backwards. Now that she has a working vagina, she still needs to get public approval of her femininity.  Plus she has not been treated well in the hair department and struggles mightily with male pattern baldness. My guess is she is like the rest of us financially and would need assistance with buying a wig. Similar to the assistance she received for SRS through Medicare. Ironic isn't it? Can get a 25,000$ vagina, but not a wig?

The next time I see her, I will see if I can get any useful SRS information from her and pass them along, except for her Doctor's name.

As far as the "Dykes" comment, I always have gotten along famously with many types of lesbians, I'm thinking the VA acronym could be quite exciting :).  The group could be another LGBT group within the hospital , and which group doesn't need a token transgender woman?

Love It When a Plan Comes Together

Plans coming together are so rare it seems when I have to connect so many dots on certain days.

Yesterday, as you may recall, was one of my transgender support meetings at the Dayton, Ohio VA Hospital.

It was a bit cooler, so I chose a lacy three quarter sleeve patterned top with a pair of my fave wholly, embroidered bell bottom jeans and set out on the three and half hour round trip in total comfort.

The meeting was a bit predictable except we had a couple new participants, which is always good and my super butch lesbian friend was there. For some reason, I have always tried to get some some of a flirt on with her. Which works until her partner shows up. One of the other attendee's just completed her SRS paid for by Medicare, as she so proudly told the group two or three times. While, repeating the need for VA financed wigs and makeup counseling, which I know won't happen in my lifetime.

I'm so opinionated though, there always has to be at least one person in the room I totally disagree with and it was her. I think her Medicare SRS is OK of course, but hearing about it so much is a bore. Plus she is a smoker, and reeked of cigarette smell, which I can't stand.

As it turns out, the best was yet to come. As I was leaving, I heard someone yelling my name across the parking lot as loud as they could. Turns out it was one of the nurses I see telling me she was trying to get information to me about a group they call "Dame" on the campus. And, would I think about coming to one or more of their get togethers! How nice was that! I will fill you in with more info when I get it the next time I go back up there. At the least, it's wonderful to be thought of. :)

Finally, when I got back to Cincinnati, I needed to stop and pick up dinner from the grocery. As I shopped the seafood counter, the guy was flirting big time with me. It was almost embarrassing!

I guess my outfit and hair worked better than I thought yesterday. One thing about being transgender and presenting as a woman, you are only as good as what you put into it.But when it all works, it is an experience I can't describe.

Be Careful What You Wish For?

Yesterday I went to a sparsely attended CrossPort meeting for transgender and cross dressed women. Probably due to to some intense summer heat, attendance was down.

All the attendee's were trans and at least on HRT except for one who was planning on starting soon. Two had already completed SRS.

One of the younger attendee's was commenting on a recent experience she had in which she has some off color comments from men and even butt grabbed. Most of the group viewed the experience as a rite of passage of sort. I think the differences are if the person viewed the experiences as a validation of their femininity or a form of bullying.  

The trans woman in question is in the process of transitioning well and in fact is almost undistinguishable  as a former man. And, as someone in the room pointed out, got her butt pinched because she had a "nice one." So much for the toxic male male influence leaving that person!

Another problem the person spoke of was the sudden friction she was experiencing between her formerly understanding wife and her. It seems (among other things) her job has turned around unexpectedly to the point of offering SRS insurance next year. So, perhaps, when push is coming to shove, the wife is feeling the pressure of losing her former husband to a totally attractive passable woman. Stressful to be sure for any relationship.

I'm sad, because together, they make a delightful couple but not one which is destined to go long term.

Plus, too many of us still put too much emphasis on looks. And, the specter of finding a mate for the rest of your life has to be intimidating for the average trans person. No matter how well they have transitioned.

So, be careful what you wish for. It could be within your grasp!

Transitioning 401

I am an out and proud trans woman and I spend time on occasion trying to figure out a logical reasoning system to get to how I got here. This time I decided to place it in an educational format and I am placing myself now at a 401 senior level course in my Mtf transition and working backwards. Sometimes I think I have reached levels high enough to be considered in a Masters Degree program and then again I am not.

It is tough to list all the other levels/courses I think I have been through, but one of the easier ways to see a few is to go back to some of my earliest posts here in Cyrsti's Condo. If you read them, you will see I spent what I feel now was an inordinate amount of time on what went into my cross dressing experience. Rather than the experience itself. Which leads me to the mirror phase.  

I know when I went through the mirror phase, when I couldn't get enough of my image and looked for a mirror no matter where I was. I flat out wore mirrors out! It took awhile to pass the course but when I did finally grow out of that phase, I moved into my 301 level approval courses.

During the approval period of my education, I found many people (women) wold be quick to compliment my appearance. What I didn't factor in was the unspoken "I looked good-for a man in a dress," Once I had it figured out, I wondered how long I wanted to be just a "man in a dress" and went into my transgender phase and set out to live my life as often as I could as a trans woman. I found quickly, there was a huge difference between looking good as a cross dressed man and a transgender woman seeking a level playing field in the world.

As far as time went, my trans phase lasted the least of the other levels but was by far (as you can guess) the most intense. It seemed that every waking moment of my life not tied in with work had to do with the exploration of the world as a trans woman. Or, if I made the move to transition, could I?

Part of my transgender level courses included labs. Or, the time I actually spent on going to the doctors and starting on hormone replacement therapy. I really wanted to push along my MtF gender transition.  It was about this time I made the Dean's List and completely began to feel comfortable in my new life   and decided to take it a step further, by updating  my gender markers and changing my name. Or as I call it, Transgender 401. (Living full time)

The next level if I ever decided to take it would be SRS surgery and I  would consider it a gender transition  Master's or even a Doctorate. As compelling as the "final step" may be, it's just something I don't think I need at this point of my life.

So, there you go, my own attempt to compress 50 plus years of transitioning into an educational format. I am sure some of you will have much more to add from your journey.

Life Turns on a Dime - Part Six

Very simply, German Village is an upscale restored historical neighborhood just South of downtown Columbus, Ohio. One of the "A" listers I mentioned in a previous post bought a burnt out old brick there and restored it to a beautiful home. Before I go any further, the owner was not a "trans-nazi" so my wife and I were invited to small parties there. I will refer to the owner as "she" because she went on to have SRS.

The parties were fascinating. Anyone from cross dressers not in drag to the most down to earth transgender women in the world were there. Sometimes in tow with an admirer or even a lesbian. I learned tons in a short period of time. Often I learned all the hormones or operations in the world couldn't "make" a reasonable facsimile of a cis woman.

I also learned how a woman can be physically trapped by a larger man when a very big admirer cornered and trapped me in a narrow hallway- until I could be rescued by my wife.

At the same time, I was getting out and about more in Columbus shopping during the day. Fashions during the day included lite jackets, short skirts and opaque hose, perfect items from my wardrobe.

You may ask, where was my wife during all of this? When she was working, I was going out and hiding the fact I did and hoping to get all the makeup off my face. Again and again I was not happy about the lying and hiding behind my skirts and wigs but the more I learned about a feminine life, the more I loved it.

Along the way too, I was learning much more than ever before because I found people wanted to talk to me and took it I was a bitch if I didn't respond. Especially in restaurants where I began to stop and eat.

So before I knew it, a feminine part of me was emerging I wasn't sure I even had and I knew I was on a real slippery slope. However, the ripping and tearing of trying to live two lives was a terrible experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. My drinking continued and nothing seemed to work as I continued to ignore the obvious. I was transgender.