Trans Girl Shopping

 

Image from Sam Headland on UnSplash.

Many Christmases ago, in the early two thousand's I began to do most of my special gift shopping for my second wife as a transgender woman. Needless to say, I learned a lot. 

My wife was a huge gardener, so greenhouses and specialty garden stores were my first places to go to if I was to ever find the special gift, I was looking for. To find the best selections, I normally made the hour trip to Columbus, Ohio which had bigger greenhouses and even a specialty garden store in one of their upscale malls. Since at that time, I had a reasonable amount of spendable income, almost nothing was out of reach for me as a gift for her. 

Normally, I made the trip during the day and wore professional women's business attire. My hope was I could present well as a woman just on her lunch break shopping for last minute gifts. Even though, I was beginning to feel more and more at home as a woman in the world. Still, I felt I needed to work hard to be able to present the best I could as a transgender woman to avoid detection. Seeing as how I was knocking out two birds with one stone, I needed to do it well. 

I should not have worried because one way or another I was treated warmly by more than a few of the clerks I faced and at the worse with indifference by others. I found the older clerks were more apt to help me and the younger ones left me on my own to shop. Even being left alone was alright with me because I was so intensely trying to find just the right gift for my wife who did not know it was my feminine self-doing almost all her shopping. Along the way, I found all sorts of unique gifts from new garden tools all the way to vintage seed boxes in antique malls. Which is a different story for another blog post which I will write before Christmas. 

Perhaps you are wondering what I wore for these new yet scary shopping adventures I was on. Depending upon which mall I was going to, I attempted to scale up or back on my outfit so I would not appear out of place. At that time, Columbus featured two very upscale malls, and I could not miss out blending in by dressing in my finest silky black pant suit, blond wig, and heels along with my very best application of makeup. All my efforts worked well as nearly everyone ignored me, except a few men. 

Since I was being successful in my transgender womanhood, and I was able to be out in the public's eye for an extended period of time, I decided to push my boundaries and stop to eat and use the lady's room. Both were a challenge for me since I had rarely done it before. I gathered my courage and stepped into one of the sit-down restaurants in the mall and just took a seat at the bar to eat. Sure, I was scared of having any one-on-one communication with the public but on the other hand, I was so successful so far in the day, why not push my luck. 

It turned out all my fears were unfounded as I was treated well in the venue I chose and the only problem I had in the restroom was navigating my way around using the toilet in my pantsuit. I did not think far enough ahead when I chose my outfit for the day and put fashion ahead of rest room utility. Fortunately, I was able to complete my struggles successfully, take care of business and leave the lady's room before anyone else came in. 

I finished the day of trans girl shopping as a very successful experience with the added positives of finding great gifts for my wife. I could not wait to do it again.

Trans Girl in a Furniture Store

Image from Nathan Dumlao
on UnSplash

Once I had progressed to a point where I could comfortably navigate my way around in public as a transgender woman, when Christmas rolled around I thought I could do my shopping as a woman.

Since previously I had helped gift my second wife an oak roll top desk, I thought if I could find and afford a matching oak book-case, I would buy it for her as a Christmas gift. Before I did, I needed to find a store which carried the book-cases. As it turned out, the closest one I could locate was fifty plus miles away in nearby Columbus, Ohio.

Before I made the trip, I needed to make sure I planned out when my wife would be working and not at home for the amount of time it would take me to go and buy her gift. Once I did that, I needed to add in my "prep" time to get ready to go and I was all set for yet another gender adventure into transgender womanhood. 

For the evening, I chose my favorite business professional outfit at the time. A black pantsuit with heels, my best makeup job and shoulder length blond wig. Plus, since it was cold that night, I could wear my long, wool coat to stay fashionably warm. 

As I left the house and headed for Columbus, I was nervous about how I would be received and if I was able to purchase a bookcase would it fit in my SUV and who would load it. I was so afraid of being "discovered" and shunned at the store. But as I entered the place, my fears began to dissolve as I blended in with the other shoppers as I looked for what I wanted. It turned out about that time, my first taste of feminine privilege kicked in. First of all, I did not even need to find a clerk to help me. Before I knew it, an eager guy was ready and willing to help the tall blond in her heels and pants-suit. 

He asked me if I knew what I wanted and in a soft voice I told him exactly what I wanted. In no time at all, he showed me to a cashier and I bought my precious gift with a smile and then wondered how I would ever make it to the car. Again, I should have not worried much at all as two able bodied young men quickly showed up to load my book-case. I loved it when one of them even opened the door for me as we were headed to my car. Brimming with gender euphoria and confidence, I hurried home to gently unload my gift and hide it in the garage. 

Sadly, I went through the process of returning to my male world in record time as my wife was due home at any time. Somehow I managed and was ready to act as if the evening never happened. At least this time I could tell her the truth when she was asking how my evening went. I told her I went shopping for her and to stay out of a certain area of the garage until Christmas. For once that was how the evening ended without a fight or me having to lie about going out as my femininized self.

The internal excitement of what I had accomplished that night stuck with me for quite a while and when it wore off, I had more confidence to shop for her as a woman in the world so I shopped again in other venues for gifts.

Being a trans girl in a furniture store was just the beginning. I will have more experiences to write about as Christmas gets closer.

In the meantime, thanks again for reading along. Your input means so much to me and comments are always appreciated. 

Running and Hiding

Image from JJ Hart archives,

I spent over a half of a century in my life running and hiding from the gender issues I faced all of the time. 

First, most of the time I hid my desire to dress like all of the girls around me. Of course, in order to accomplish anything, I needed to suppress any urges I had to be at one as a girl in the mirror. My Mom never knew how much she helped me in my early days of cross dressing. Before I outgrew her, I took advantage of wearing her fashion wardrobe, not to mention her makeup too. Much pressure to hide to be sure because if I was discovered, intensive therapy or worse would be in my future.

Also very early on, I ran to places I thought I would be safe. I hid a collection of clothes and makeup in the woods beside our house in the country. In my own world, I could escape my brother and family and briefly enjoy my small attempt at gender freedom. On other very rare occasions, when my family was not home, I escaped to the bathroom and applied my clothes and makeup which was an ideal time to see myself in the full-length mirror in the hallway.   

As I grew older and my male life became more complex, running and hiding became much more difficult. Plus, I had so much more to lose in my life if I was discovered. The more I ran from my issues, the more pressure I faced. What happened was, after I was freed from the restrictions of my military service, I was able to run harder hoping to free my gender issues even better. I changed jobs and locations frequently trying to outrun my life and for the most part was more miserable than ever before. I moved my small family to the suburbs of New York City, then back again to my native Ohio. Along the way, we lived in an old farmhouse in rural Southern Ohio and back again to urban areas such as Columbus, Ohio.

Sadly, it took me many years to understand all the running and hiding was doing me no good. The problem was inside me and could not be out-ran and was mentally exhausting.  Once I learned the solution to my problems were closer than I thought, my journey to transgender womanhood became clearer but in many ways no easier. I still needed to strip back all the layers of femininity and do my best to cross the gender border. I think now, the communications I had with the world as a novice transgender woman were the most difficult part of the journey. I needed time and effort to overcome the fear I had with looking another women in the eye when we spoke. For the most part, I just wanted to run and hide. 

Every time I did not run, I developed more confidence in myself. In other words, with the help of other cis-women friends I had, I found and embraced my own transgender womanhood. No longer was I stuck in an old male life I never really wanted regardless of all the privileges I had accumulated from just being older and white. 

Running and hiding just became too exhausting and demanding to continue with it. I finally gave into the pressure and began to live in my truth. What took me so long. I still wonder. My male life just wasn't so much fun and successful to continue. I consider myself one of the fortunate humans to escape the bonds my gender roots had confined me with.    

Cutting Through the Noise

 

The further I went along my transgender path, the more noise I encountered. 

When it was just me and my mirror, the noise was often very restricted and low. Even still, the message was creeping in , I  was dealing with  more than met the eye in the mirror when it came to me looking like a girl. However, what I was hearing stayed close to the same until I began to go out in public. When I did, the noise began to increase dramatically. Often, not in a good way. 

The reason was, during the times when I was failing at presenting any semblance  of a feminine person, the noise was deafening. It was telling me to stop my impossible dream of transgender womanhood and take the easy retreat back to an old male life I never really wanted but had succeeded in anyhow. I was used to all the male privileges I had gained. Long term, fortunately for me, I cut through the negative noise and continued along my gender path. To do so I needed to be patient and learn all the feminine lessons when they were presented to me.

The longer I tried to experience the world as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to do more. Which meant more noise I needed to cut through. Such as the guy who tried to attack me sexually at a mixer I went to one night in Columbus, Ohio. I was saved from a very bad experience by my second wife. She made me pay by mentioning how I was dressed invited the interaction I had. Mega noise in the house began after the incident.

There were other examples I have written about and some I haven't as I traversed the path to my dreams. Too many nights going out just to be alone when I was already too lonely to start with. On those nights I muted the noise mainly with extra alcohol which proved to be a temporary fix to my problems. Little did I know, the worst of the noise was yet to come. When I actually had to communicate in the world with other women I needed to be part of my noise solution and not be part of the problem. In other words, I was becoming a skilled listener so I could cut the noise of the world back and enter women only spaces. It was never easy but I earned the right to be there.

Often today with all the vile and harmful politics which have been laid upon the transgender women and trans men of the world, the noise has become more unbearable than ever before. It takes a better person than me to ignore all of it. Especially when I have the future of a transgender grandchild to worry about. All I can do is continue my written outreach as I attempt to prove to the world transgender women and trans men are just the same as the rest of the world trying to get by. We are not the monsters the politicians make us out to be. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and my outreach issues. Yesterday I was contacted by a reporter from one of the Cincinnati televisions concerning the possibility of doing an interview. So we will see what happens. 

Whatever happens, I will write about later and hopefully todays election will be a positive force for the future and not a step backwards. 

Out of My Mind, Into the World

Image from
the JJ Hart
Archives.

There were many times during my transgender transition I was thinking I was somehow out of my mind. 

I even went as far as telling others there was something wrong with me. Of course there was something wrong and it was because I was trying to live as a man, not my natural woman. It just took me too many years to realize I was doing everything so backwards when it came to dealing with my gender issues. I was not a man cross dressing as a woman, I was the opposite, a woman cross dressing as a man trying desperately to get by. It seemed so unfair because of all the time and effort I put into having my man card. 

Then, I began to put as much effort as I could into my girl self. I tried my best to observe the girls around me in school and model myself after them. Of course in those days, I was severely limited  by my family and financial situation. Even still, I persisted through the idea I had something wrong with me just because I wanted to be a girl. Plus, I knew if I was ever caught cross dressing into my more normal self, I would be sent off to the first non-understanding therapist my parents could find and he would label me mentally ill when I knew deep down I wasn't.

Adding to my gender difficulties was the fact I was so alone. In the pre-internet days, any information about men wanting to be women was very hard to come by and I was convinced I was the only person in the world who felt the same way I did. It wasn't until somehow I discovered Virginia Prince and Transvestia magazine did I understand there was quite the community of men who called themselves transvestites. Once I did make the discovery, I knew somehow I needed to interact with the nearest group to me in a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio which was still quite the distance away. Regardless, I knew I needed to make the connection. I still vividly remember the diversity of the mixers I went to. I thought by reading the so-called hetero restrictions on the members would limit the diversity of attendees but it did not. There were everyone from cigar smoking cross dressers in cowboy hats seemingly afraid of losing too much of their masculinity all the way to the impossibly feminine transsexuals who had  worked hard to lose all of their maleness.

In the middle of it all, was me wondering where I fit in. I was too much woman for the cross dressers and not enough for the transsexuals. Once again I was frustrated with my results as I worked my way out of my mind and into the world. 

It took me quite a bit of work to fully make it into the world. The steps I took led me away from the old restrictive transvestite mixers, all the way to being invited to smaller diverse parties in Columbus, Ohio which I enjoyed immensely. Primarily because I was accepted for the person I was becoming. I was heading into the world for once because no one knew or cared about knowing my old male self. I even took the process another step farther when I began to go out by myself and become a regular in my favorite venues I was used to going to as a guy.

I found I was never out of my mind as the world accepted me. I just had to wait for them to catch up. If I had realized it years ago, how much easier my life would have been.

It is Fall and Time for Halloween

 

I have heard Halloween is the national holiday for cross dressers everywhere.

I know it was for me as I could not wait for the trees to change colors and the temperatures to dip so I could plan my "costume" for the season. I was fortunate when I began to learn so many feminine basics thanks to my Halloween experiences. Such as, the first night I went out with friends to a late night showing of a silent movie in a beautiful restored theater in Columbus, Ohio. The primary lesson I learned was to either get a close parking spot or wear comfortable footwear as my heels began to bother me very shortly into the evening. Regardless, I had a great time in my short mini dress and I was disappointed when I did not see anyone else cross dressed (that I know of) and the night went by so quickly. My friends we went with did not even mention my shaved legs. I remember thinking it was going to be a very long year before I again could challenge the world as my feminine self.

Back then, my self was very under developed. The mirror still had a hold of me and I really had very little knowledge of where I truly wanted to go as I researched the gender world. Would the mirror be my home or could I succeed as a novice transgender woman. In it's own very important way, Halloween helped to point me in the right direction. The first parties I went to, I simply tried to dress sexy as my "costume" and took the easy way out. I was seeking validation as a woman  essentially by doing a form of drag, which never worked for me. For the most part, I was left alone by other men and women. It took me several parties to understand what I was doing wrong. 

From there on out, I started to attempt to tone down my "costume." For example, one year early on in my transition I wore all black. Starting with black flats, black tights and sweater. I paired it all with my short black skirt, long blond wig and topped it off with a black beret hat. I tried it all out at one of the big dance clubs Halloween party in town and was enjoying myself immensely until a person in a mask came up to me and said I know who you are. Initially I was a mixture of being scared and devastated some one could see through my "costume" so easily I did manage to laugh and say who was I and the person said I looked just like my Mom. Then I realized who he was and he went on his way. It turned out I grew up near him in the rural neighborhood where I lived. Even with all of that I had a great time and was saddened that Halloween only came around once a year.

It turned out there were many other lessons to learn from the cross dressers national holiday as I was going to find out. One of the biggest ones was when I realized how rare it was to find another possible "non civilian cross dresser" in their own "costume." Again, I was feeling alone in the world. Another one was there was no way I could wait another year to venture out into the world as my authentic femininized self. At the same time of my Halloween adventures, the internet became a part of my life and I was able to research terms such as transgender to see if they fit me. I found there was so much more to learn. 

There were more Halloween parties where I continued to learn from too. I haven't forgotten my pledge to share them also since for the most part, they had such a profound effect on my life as a novice transgender woman. 

Gender Freedom

Image from Irina Rudnick
on UnSplash

 I found freedom was fleeting many times during my life.

The first time I can remember is when I did not ever have the power to cross dress when I wanted to during my early life, I had to really be aware of what I was doing to avoid detection. Of course, if discovered, any life I was living would have been destroyed. I could only imagine falsely promising I would never cross dress again or find myself in a version of conversion therapy. 

The second time I vividly remember my freedom being compromised was when the Vietnam War draft began to loom in my future. It was an unreal situation which became all too real. After college I took my physical and was pronounced fit to serve in the military. I ended up enlisting for three years to be able to further my career as I served my country. 

All along, my youthful self was learning the basics of freedom. I found rare ways to express my true gender self by sneaking out the back door of the house and initially walking around our neighborhood. Plus there were the yearly Halloween parties I went to dressed as a woman to get me by. Both attempts to ease my gender pressure did work, for a short while and then I was back searching for more freedom and often still risking everything I had to achieve it. When I could, I was making the fifty mile trip to nearby Columbus, Ohio to meet and socialize with a very diverse group of transgender and LGB individuals.  From them, I was able to learn more about how far I would have to go to have a semblance of gender freedom.

It was not until I began to really explore the world as a transgender woman, did I finally begin to experience just a bit of freedom. As gay bars and other unforgiving venues began to fade into my rear view mirror (along with malls) did I begin to discover a glimmer of hope I could survive in the world as a transgender woman. With the hope, came a new push to do whatever I could to make myself into a better woman. It turned out, I was not making anything. She was already there waiting very impatiently for her turn at freedom and life.

I learned also, freedom is never free and you have to work for it. In many ways I had paid my dues and it was time to take the chance and collect my winnings. After following a very winding and bumpy gender journey for all those years, many of the traffic signals turned from red to green and destiny stepped in to insure my gender freedom.

My mental health improved and became stronger with everything else in life. Improbably a cis-woman found me and wanted to love and nourish me at one of my lowest spots, so freedom again became a breath of fresh air. Now our gender freedoms are at risk in the upcoming election. One of the candidates who is not female wants to take them all away. Don't let him!  

Not the Only One

My Transgender Friend Racquel
from Texas

This is really an extension of yesterday's post. During the post I mentioned the times when I discovered there were actually others who shared my cross dressing dreams. In fact, they even had a label back in those days, we were called transvestites. 

In my post I even mentioned the "Transvestia" publication which I came to cherish so much. I was so amazed to see a nationwide network of like minded individuals. In a short period of time, I discovered a side group of sorts called the "Tri-Ess" organization for strictly heterosexual cross dressers who met in nearby Columbus, Ohio for socials or mixers. Columbus was only approximately a half hour from my home and I just had to check it out.

When I did, I was able to meet a smaller, diverse side group who had private parties in an exclusive Columbus location. As I became a part of this group, I really found how I was not the only one. The only issue I had was, deciding what exactly I was. I knew from experience I was much more serious about being a cross dresser than many of the others I met at the mixers. On the other hand, I still wasn't sure if I was as serious as a few of the transsexual women who were headed for gender realignment surgery. Or sex change as it was known back then. I still had too many huge gender decisions to make before I could ever make such a life changing choice. 

In the short term, I decided to align myself as close as I could with the transsexuals as I attempted to learn as much as I could about their lives. I only really knew two, so contact was very rare plus on most occasions my second wife was with me so I needed to be careful about how I acted. 

As the internet and social media came into play, the potential of knowing I was not the only one in the world with gender issues literally exploded. Along with the internet came a new understanding of the different layers of gender life. As I said in yesterday's post, the term transgender became increasingly known here in Ohio, which as always behind the East and West coasts. As I studied it, the more I was convinced transgender fit my status in life and I felt better for a short amount of time. I say a short period, because in no time at all, I was striving to be a better trans person and learn more and more about myself in the world.  

What I did learn was, even though I found others who shared my gender issues or even gender dysphoria, there were not many. In fact, before she moved to Texas, my friend Racquel was one of the few women in the LGBTQ world I stayed in contact with and Racquel often joined in with my lesbian friends when we partied. 

Recently, partially because of my mobility issues, my transgender outreach has been limited to my writing as well as virtual diversity meetings with the local Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. As well as the occasional speaking engagement thanks to a friend in the trans community. When I am able to participate in an outreach, particularly to young people, I am able to see I am far from being the only one with gender issues and it feels good.  

Opening Transgender Doors

Image from Nathan Wright 
on UnSplash

What is the old saying, "When one door closes, another one opens." I think the saying is especially appropriate for transgender women or trans men.

Along the way, I have documented several substantial times when I slammed doors during my past and opened new doors. 

Probably the first time I closed a door was when I was going out with a certain set of party friends who ranged from cross dressers to transsexuals who were planning their genital realignment surgeries. I wasn't very interested so much in the cross dressers but on the other hand, I was very interested in the women who were going "all the way." I wondered if I could ever slam the door on the male life I had fought to live and open a new door into a feminine world. 

Luckily I was able to see different sides of the gender coin so to speak. One friend in particular was a firefighter in Columbus, Ohio who was gorgeous and near retirement. So she had the financial risk of a gender transition covered as did the other main transsexual woman I knew at the time. She also was gorgeous and had a very secure job as an electrical engineer. She was so good at living a woman's life, she regularly went on snow skiing trips, spending whole weeks as her authentic self. So, as you can tell, I had lofty role models to try to live up to. I knew they would be difficult to match up to as far as appearance and income plus neither one had a spouse to deal with. I loved my spouse very much and wasn't sure I was able to close the door on my relationship with her. 

Even still, I continued to observe and learn as well as set out to open my own transgender doors. It just took me longer than others to find a path of my own. I know all too many of our gender journey's are similar yet so far apart. It is difficult to leave the first door in our closet and find the other doors in the darkness. Once I was able to find the light and it wasn't the train at the end of the tunnel, I was able to progress quite nicely but not without trepidations. Of course I still had to deal with the usual problems transgender women and men have to deal with when they transition and close the big door. Sometimes closing the door is the easy part compared to opening the doors to different living situations with family, friends and finances. 

I think too many potential transgender folk believe the transition itself will cause the life problems to go away and they haven't thought enough about the all the situations they would have to face now when spouses and/or families want to leave them behind. Not to mention the prospect of losing long term employment and friends. All of the process led to opening very heavy doors and not having much of an idea what the future held. 

I was fortunate when I finally had the courage to open my final transgender doors and face the world. As I did, I could look back at all the times I was petrified to try a new life as a transgender woman. Every time I was so scared it seemed I made it OK which felt so natural and gave me confidence to move forward and look for new challenges. I don't think I ever forgot the two early gender role models I had in Columbus, Ohio so many years before but similar to my male life, I was able to carve out my new life as a fulltime transgender woman so different from theirs.

Even still, I have my doors to open as I face a challenging future with end of life issues. I am still paranoid concerning facing the problems associated with nursing care or assisted living. It will be quite the journey as I face the final door we all have to open and see what is on the other side.

Transsexual Harassment

 

Pow Wow Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives. 

In a previous post I promised to write about the times I was sexually harassed as a transgender woman. 

The first time I experienced harassment came when I attended a nearby mixer/party with my second wife in Columbus, Ohio. The parties were relatively small but very diverse group. Anyone from cross dressers to transsexuals headed for gender surgery to male admirers attended. 

To begin with, my wife did not approve of the outfit I was wearing, saying it was way too short to start with. Of course I did not listen to her and went with the dress I wanted to wear anyway and yes it was very short on me. Even to the point of making it very uncomfortable to sit down even though I had freshly shaven legs and new panty hose.

Once we arrived at the party, I grew restless and needed to move around. Space was limited in the small house of the host so everyone was basically confined to the living room. There was also a hallway which led to a bedroom and bathroom. When I did get up, I didn't notice one of the male cross dresser admirers got up to follow me also. I was/am a big person and had never experienced any problems with my size before and was shocked when I saw how big the person who was suddenly stalking me was. Before I knew it, he had me cornered in the hallway and for the first time in my life I felt helpless. I didn't know what I was going to do until I looked up and saw my wife glaring at both of us. He saw her too and immediately backed off and the threat was over but not before my wife gave me the I told you so lecture concerning what I wore. Even though deep down I knew my wife was right, the deeper meaning of what happened to me never went away.

From that point onward, I knew how a woman could be overpowered and sexually assaulted by a man. I found out the difficult way, once I put on heels and hose and cross dressed as a woman, my male privileges changed forever. Gone was the idea I would not be stalked and attacked on a dark lonely city street or parking lot. Of course I needed to learn the safety lesson the hard way too. 

When I first came out of my gender closet, I frequented my share of three male gay venues clustered together on a city block in downtown Dayton, Ohio. Once I made into the venues themselves, I normally did not have any problems. It was when I was going back to my car one night, I ran into problems.  As I was walking down the sidewalk, I was approached by two men who ended up stopping me. I was lucky that night and was able to "buy" them off with the last five dollars I had. 

From that point forward, I told myself I would be safer where I went. I made sure I parked in lots which were safely lit and park as I could to where I was going. I even would ask friends to follow me to my car when I was out. I was lucky to escape any actual harm when I first ventured out of the closet as a transgender woman. I discovered negative harassment in no way validated me as a woman. All it did was put me in danger. In fact, it wasn't until I began to hang out and visit my lesbian friends did I learn I didn't need a man at all to validate my existence, transgender or not. 

Once I learned losing my personal safety as a former man was behind me, I could move forward and recognize what being an out and proud trans woman was all about. Transsexual harassment became an unwanted and unneeded determent to my life.   

Connecting the Dots

Image from UnSplash

Throughout life, I found many dots I needed to connect to save my life as I knew it. 

The first dots were the ones I had to connect to live at all. They were the ones which connected me into an unwanted male world. As I mentioned in yesterday's post I was born into a heavy male dominated family where competition between the men in the family was a given. My Dad had two brothers who were always in a friendly battle for which one had the best job, house etc. My best guess is my only brother and I carried the competition to our own level by playing sports. All this time, I secretly would have been happy playing with the girls in the neighborhood but naturally never had the chance. 

Those days, I had fewer gender dots to connect since my main cross dressing activity was with the full length hall way mirror. I was able to hide my deepest gender dreams away and happily dress as a girl when ever I had the opportunity. When I did, I compared it to playing one of the old mechanical  pinball machines. As I viewed myself in the mirror, it was like I hit the one thousand point bumper in the machine and gender euphoria swept in. 

The older I became and the more sophisticated my cross dressing world became, the more dots I needed to connect to survive in the gender complex world I was in. As I progressed, the mirror wasn't good enough for me and I wanted to try more dots. Those were the exciting days of going to transvestite mixers in Cleveland and Columbus, Ohio. Those mixers really showed me all of the potential dots I could connect with to live my life. Was I gay, or a cross dresser, or transsexual or transgender? So many questions to ponder and answer. For once, the mixers showed me other examples of choices I could possibly have. 

Ironically, the military service I had provided me three years to pause my connection of dots to try to figure out which direction I was going to go. When I was discharged, I knew deep down I was transgender but was afraid to lose all that I had worked so hard to accomplish as my male self.  Through out my relatively short life, I had acquired two college degrees,  an honorable service discharge and fathered a daughter. All before I was twenty five. I had connected many dots except for the largest ones which concerned my gender. 

Finally, as I treaded water through the years, I took the leap of faith and connected my final gender dots. Possibly the biggest dot was being approved for gender affirming hormones. When I did connect, a whole new world opened for me. 

Now of course, as I approach three quarters of a century in this world, (75 years) , I wonder how many other dots will I have to connect to make it to the finish line. 

Upping your Game

 

Image from Brian Kyed on
UnSplash

As I followed my winding gender path towards living a life as a fulltime transgender woman, there were many times when I needed to up my game if I wanted to keep going.

Along the way, there were simply too many blind curves and dead ends to count. For some reason, I hitched up my new big girl panties and proceeded forward. Sometimes it was just a touch of gender euphoria I experienced which kept me going. For some reason, one of the euphoric experiences I felt was one of the nights I went to a diverse private gender party in nearby Columbus, Ohio. For the evening I decided to match up my black tights with my black shorts, loose black net sweater and red wig, I was aiming for an upscale casual look and was confident I achieved it. What escapes me now is what my wife was doing that evening because I am sure she would have disapproved. No matter what outfit I put together to wear. I just know for whatever reason, she was not there. Leaving me free to explore and explore I did.  

At the party, I was always used to upping my game because often there were the prettiest of the pretty people attending. I knew I couldn't out do them but just did not want to embarrass myself either. It turned out I didn't at the party which turned out to be a look into the future for me when it came to my sexuality. During the evening I met and got along with a lesbian who was attending for the first time. In fact, we got along so well, we decided to leave the party and go downtown to a well known lesbian venue I had been to many times. Nothing really happened between us and we returned to the party. The importance of the meeting was I proved to myself I could conceivably live a life as a transgender lesbian if I upped my game enough. If I did, I wouldn't have to ever worry about attracting a standoffish man again. Who, for the most part ignored me or treated me as some sort of a fetish object.  

As it turned out, just when I thought I had reached a successful stopping point to rest in my gender journey, something else came along and again and again I needed to up my game. I didn't realize until much later I was building a whole new person and needed all the help I could get. I found I was doing so much more than just doing my best to appear as a woman, I needed to communicate with the entire world as one also. On occasion, the only clarity I had was I knew I needed to keep going and some day I might be able to live my lifelong dream of living a feminine life. 

Ironically, I was able to find my way thanks to a close group of lesbian friends I found and was accepted by. In addition to my other life lessons I learned the basics of being a woman who did not need the validation of a man to thrive in the world. Thanks to them, I was able to keep upping my game and progressing along my gender path as I was losing all of my male privilege. 

Perhaps, most importantly, I didn't have to worry about my sexuality anymore and was able to eventually marry my wife Liz who identified as a lesbian also. She really helped me to up my game and succeed in life as a trans woman. 

My Eyes are Up Here

 

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As I increased my knowledge of male to female cross dressing, I immediately learned the power of how my breasts appeared to the world. If I could attract the eyes away from my big shoulders to my breasts, I was successful. 

At that point I began to seriously experiment with how I could make my breast forms be as attractive as I could while on the very limited budget I was on. As I remember, stuffing my Mom's bra with socks was the only way I could go. Since my only feminine interaction was with the mirror in the hallway, having realistic breasts was mostly just in my imagination. It was about this time too, when I discovered and was very jealous of the teen aged girls around me who were suddenly sprouting their own breasts and wearing brand new training bras under tight sweaters. It was so unfair to me. So I set out to do much better with my own breast forms.

If my memory serves me correct, the next object I tried to use for breasts were foam nerf balls which were cheap and easy to come by. I still was far from satisfied with the results but it still was an improvement over rolled up socks. I needed to figure out what should be the next step in figuring out what to do about developing a better set of fake breasts. Along the way, I tried many ideas I read about mainly in the "Transvestia" magazine I received every couple of months. I know some of the cross dressers in the publication somehow were fans of using birdseed. Which I never ended up trying. Instead I went the water balloon route which went well until the predictable disaster happened to me when one broke. I really liked the balloon idea because they were cheap and I could use lukewarm water in them and approximate as close as I could to what I thought a real breast would feel like. Plus, I loved the way the balloons moved and bounced when I wore just the right bra. 

All was good with my new breasts until one night when I was headed to the women's room in one the venue's I was a regular in and unexpectedly one of my water balloons broke in the hallway leading to the restroom. The only good thing which came from it was no one else was in the hallway so I didn't have to explain to them I was pregnant and my water broke. I was able to pay my bill and quickly head for home. Finished with water balloon breasts forever.

My next step forward in the breast form department came when a cross dressing friend of mine in nearby Columbus, Ohio decided to purge all of his feminine belongings which included a nice set of silicone breast forms. I eagerly accepted the gifts and immediately stepped up my breast game. I ended up using the forms until I finally had the opportunity to join the women around me and have my own breasts thanks to gender affirming hormones. 

These days, even though I think my bigger body shape could support bigger breasts than I have been able to grow with the hormones, I think at this point in my life, I will stick with what I have in the breast department. 

It's interesting to me how much breast surgeries are being done these days for transgender and cis-gender women. In fact, I see big billboards around Cincinnati for plastic surgeons who will do the procedure completely for less than seven thousand dollars. I have the money saved but I think I could use it in better ways.

As it stands now, when someone looks me in the eye, they really do it.

The Home I Don't Live In

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on UnSplash

It certainly took me awhile but I finally learned my male self was simply an empty shell I existed in to get me by in the world.

Over the years, even though it was difficult, he managed to secure a spot in the world and earn his white male privileges. Participation in such male dominated activities such as sports and muscle cars led the public at large off the beaten track of who I really was. I was a cross dresser or a woman pretending to be a man. Along the way, I was still able to build a fairly strong home I didn't live in.

Around that time, my life in an an empty house became predictably lonely, even though I was doing all the traditional male activities. I was married, had a child and served my time in the Army to add to two college degrees. It seemed the more I tried to do, the less fulfilled I felt with my life. It wasn't until years later when I understood much of my frenetic pace in life had to do with my gender desires being off center. In essence, I was building a home I couldn't live in. 

In it's place, I was increasingly becoming more and more serious about discovering if I could actually pursue a dream of living as a transgender woman. What I was doing was observing others in the trans community who were moving towards living fulltime feminine lives. I wondered if they could do it, why couldn't I? I was learning consistently by going to small mixer/parties in nearby Columbus, Ohio. The get together was hosted by a soon to be retired firefighter who restored an old house in a well known restoration district. I was extremely interested in her path because she was going against all the so called "rules" back in those days. Back then it was expected when one fully transitioned into being a trans woman, she was expected to leave her old life behind and start all over again. The woman I knew was going to not do any of that and I dreamed of doing it also. The same as her. Plus her parties included a diverse group, including the occasional lesbian and I learned early of the attraction I felt for lesbians' and vice versa.

Even though I did manage to slightly follow in her footsteps, leaving the male house I built proved to be anything but easy for me. To arrive at my destination, I would have endure intense moments of pain and suffering. As my old male self finally crumbled, I would be remiss, if I didn't mention the group of friends I found to help me build a new house. This time the correct one, complete with a life in my chosen gender. 

Even though the challenge was there to build my new house the correct way, I still needed to make sure all the improvements were built in to further make my new life more pleasurable. Out went the old male clothes and in came women's clothes including shoes, wigs, and makeup. 

The end result was, I discovered I could indeed build a brand new gender house and redirect the rest of my life living in it. The home I didn't live in was long gone and I felt a freedom I never thought I would ever have again in my life. 

Success equals More Success

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archive 

In an extension of yesterdays' post which mostly concerned  the success I experienced  when I began doing a portion of the grocery shopping cross dressed as my feminine self, I decided to go further.

If you were wondering, I chose grocery shopping to sooth my guilty conscious because I was sneaking out behind my wife's back while she was working and I needed to find a way to knock out two birds with one stone. Help her with the shopping and help me with my gender issues. It worked well and I needed more to do. When the Christmas holiday season rolled around every year, I found I could again put my new feminine cross dressing skills to the test by doing all my shopping as a woman. 

Since my wife and I were vintage antique buffs, going to several area antique malls became one of my favorite ways to find the perfect gift. Again I was able to multi task when I explained to her what I was doing in my spare time. Ironically, the malls were a perfect alternative to all the other clothing malls I was used to. The all important store mirrors I was used to were replaced by antique style vanity mirrors which I could catch a glimpse of myself to reassure me I was an attractive woman. Along the way, I was able to find the very special gift for my wife and sometimes even my brother. In the meantime, the malls never questioned my presence so I was free to browse on my own with no interference. 

I was so successful and the process felt so natural, I expanded my shopping into several upscale regular malls in the Columbus, Ohio area.  Of course, when I did, I needed to upscale my appearance to match the other women I would encounter. Much different than the antique malls I was going to. The whole process was fun and presented me with a whole different challenge. The places I was shopping at were upscale garden stores because my wife was a huge gardening enthusiast. Just like the mall experiences I had always had, it seemed no one cared about my gender, just my money so I challenged myself to do more. I always wanted to do more so I began to stop at different venues to grab a bite to eat. Interacting one on one with servers and/or bartenders helped me out of my gender shell I lived in. It worked and I was able to achieve more in my cross dressing life than I ever thought I could.

Even though I was successful in my shopping trips, I was still too shy to ask for help moving a large item I wanted to my truck or SUV. I found quite a bit about feminine privilege's when one night when I was dressed in my favorite black pant's suit, heels and blond wig. I then found an oak bookcase I wanted to give my wife but couldn't figure out how I would get it to my vehicle.  Problem solved when I gathered enough courage to go up to the check out counter and buy the piece of furniture, suddenly I was approached by two young men to move it. I was so relieved and flattered no one questioned why I couldn't move it myself. Once I got it home, in the garage, after I had changed out of my clothes, I slid it out of my vehicle and covered it up with old blankets. I made my wife swear she wouldn't look under the blankets and at Christmas she was overwhelmed with the gift which matched the oak roll top desk we bought together. 

From then on I was emboldened to do all my holiday shopping as my novice transgender woman self. I am certain my feminine side did such a better job doing the gift shopping, she deserved to do it all. Success equaled more trust and success.   

The Light

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Ferriero on UnSplash

 
Sadly, most transgender women or trans men experience complete darkness in their gender closet before they are able to come out and explore the world.

Of course in the pre-internet period, gender information was very difficult to come by and it wasn't until pioneers such as Virginia Prince came around did printed material begin to surface on a regular basis. As well as the so called transvestite mixers which began to crop up in other areas except the East coast. For those of us in the Midwest and other places, finding and meeting other like minded cross dressers seemed to be the impossible dream. The light in the gender closet was dim to say the least. 

Perhaps the worst part of seeing the light was determining exactly what it was. Could it be a beneficial beginning to escaping the severe gender dysphoria I was facing, or was it merely the light of a train rolling uncontrollably towards me. At any point of time, discovery of my feminine desires could lead to severe consequences to the male life I had worked so hard to survive in. It took me years and even decades to figure out the light wasn't the train. Partly because of all the time I wasn't sure it wasn't the train.

Those were the dark days of my gender despair. The days of venturing out in the public's eye only to be laughed at and rejected which led to ill-advised "purges" of my feminine wardrobe. Somehow, deep down, I knew the "purge" would only last a few days and the fleeting freedom I felt wouldn't last. I was right and before long, my desire to rebuild a feminine wardrobe and wear it became strong again. This time I wanted to climb on board the train and ride it to a new found transgender freedom, away from my old male self.  Rather than the light at the end of the tunnel being a negative, I deeply wanted to turn it into a positive.

It was approximately this time of my life, in my thirties and early forties, when I met others whom I could identify with as far as my gender struggles went. I found I didn't have to drive far to Columbus, Ohio for small mixers with a diverse group of people ranging from cross dresser admirers all the way to transsexuals. All of the sudden, the light became a beacon on what my life could become if I worked on it hard enough. I found achieving my possible goal of living a feminine life meant so much more than just appearances. My second wife kept pounding on me to be more and I took a long time to realize what she was saying. Surviving as a trans woman would mean learning to live a new multi-layered life.

Even though I had made it a huge priority to study women all my life, I needed to use the light to take my studies to another level. Think of it this way, I was pursuing a new masters program in gender before I could put the male past behind me and move forward.

Finally I arrived at a point where my closet door had opened widely and my long hidden feminine self was able to take over. She was able to take over the light and enable it to be so much brighter.

Christmas Lessons

I have been saving a couple posts for the time when we came nearer to the Christmas holiday itself. All of them involved me taking advantage of the opportunities to gift shop for my wife. Essentially, I was doing the wrong thing by sneaking out behind her back for all the right reasons by finding her just the right gift. 

It just so happened she was into vintage gardening items so any trip to an antique mall was a great start into finding her a gift. Routinely I used to cross dress as my authentic self and make the trip to local and regional antique malls. I was fortunate in back in those days I brought home a good wage so I had spendable income to come up with a great gift or two.

What did I learn? Essentially two things. The first of which was the basic dress to blend plus I had to leave the heels behind for comfort when I was heading to the antique malls. However, on occasion I did go to an upscale mall over in Columbus, Ohio to shop for a new garden gift in a couple of  specialty garden stores. In fact, I often broke my own heels and hose rules. In my own way I was dressing to blend as many other women were dressed in a similar way.

Photo Annie Spratt (Unsplash)

One night which stands out in my memory was the time I ventured out to buy my wife an oak bookcase to match the roll top desk we previously purchased. My wife was working a closing shift  in the bookstore she managed so I could know where she would be and till what time. .For whatever reason, I chose my black pantsuit, flats, long blond wig, along with my full length black coat.  

As I headed back to Columbus, Ohio for my purchase, I knew exactly where I was going but my anxiety level was still at an all time high because I was fearing how I would be treated. 

I wondered on the other hand how I would ever be able to load such a large object in the car by myself. Little did I know I had nothing to worry about because the store had two young guys ready, willing and able to load my purchase.

I was treated to a thank you mam' and off I went with my purchase. I had to get it home before my wife returned from work. The trip took about a half hour one way and the best part was I was able to hide it in the garage away from prying eyes.

Maybe though, the best part was proving to myself I could exist successfully in a feminine world. Once again I had "survived" and could move forward again .

It turned out there were several other Christmas lessons to come.

Security

 Over the years here in Cyrsti's Condo I have tried to make it a point to write about our security when we leave the comfort of male privilege and attempt the gender journey into the feminine world. I found out the hard way it is something to be taken very seriously. 

Older Red Haired Photo from Trans Ohio

As I have written before, my first real foray into possible feminine violence came at a party my deceased wife and I went to years ago in nearby Columbus, Ohio. For the evening, against my wife's wishes, I wore a very short mini dress to the party. As much as I hated to admit it later, she was right. It turns out I was cornered in a hallway by a much bigger crossdresser "admirer". It seemed to me before I knew it he had me stuck in a physical situation I couldn't extract myself from. About the time he was seemingly going in for the kill, my wife appeared and diffused the situation. That was the good news, the bad news was she wouldn't let me live it down my skirt was too short. This was many years ago. Way before the "me too" movement and other causes which focused on how women still shouldn't suffer sexual abuse no matter what we wear. 

The bottom line for me was the realization all of a sudden I could be overcome by a bigger person and forced into a compromising sexual situation.

The second lesson I learned  could have involved more physical violence.  It was late one night on a downtown urban street in Dayton, Ohio. I was by myself leaving a gay venue when I was approached by two men. To make another long story short, I ended up being cornered again and was able to defuse the situation by giving them my last five dollars. Lesson learned, the next time I was there, I asked for a trans guy I knew if he would walk me to my car. Which he did. 

I learned the hard way why cis women live their lives living with a totally different awareness than men. It goes way past walking past the leering stares of men in a construction project to the prospect of losing so much more of your personal security.

It's one of the most important aspects as you transition into a feminine world. 
     

It Makes me Sad

 Perhaps you have read about the demise of the lesbian bars around the country. This morning I read  a place in Columbus, Ohio where I used to frequent a bit is now the last remaining lesbian bar in the entire state of Ohio. According to the "Columbus Dispatch" article I read, Slammers is one of only fifteen lesbian bars left in the nation.

Slammers/Columbus

I liked Slammers for any number of reasons including it was a "safe" place for me to go. Unlike the male gay bars I tried to go to. in lesbian bars I enjoyed the music and the fact I wasn't treated as if I was a drag queen. 

Then again too, as I have written about before, lesbian bars played a strong role as I sought to develop myself as a transgender woman. Along the way, I was asked to sing karaoke (or told) by a super butch woman in a cowboy hat who I was never sure if she knew I was trans all the way to being asked to be a "wing person" for a lesbian friend of mine trying to pick up a date.   

It all was a simple choice for me. I felt natural and at home in the bars I went too, except for one lesbian biker bar I went to where they hated me. Plus "Wall Street" in Columbus was my first foray into leaving the friendly confines of the cross dresser mixer I went to. I joined the more ambitious "A" listers for trips to  the lesbian orientated dance club. 

Unfortunately, even then I could feel the demise of the women's bar spaces as the two I went to in Dayton, Ohio closed. Competition proved to be too great from other venues who began to accept a more diverse clientele. 

Covid complications of course have played a role in many closings around the country.  But there is also a venue in Northern Kentucky across the Ohio River from Cincinnati which partially bills itself as a lesbian which is still open.

Still, a part of my transgender youth is missing and I am sad.

 

The Last Gasp

 As you make the Mtf Gender Transition, there are certain milestones you must pass as your male self slips away. As it turns out, your male self often fights harder to give up his privilege than others.  I ry remember vividly a few of those moments as I transitioned. 

As often happens, my memory was jogged by reading someone else's  post on the topic. This time it was another by Emma Holiday who I read on the "Medium" format which has been difficult to link to because it is a paid format. Regardless, Emma's post was called "A Blind Date with my Trans Identity." In it she details her first trip to a feminine make over artist and her feelings after the experience.

It turns out I had a similar experience years ago which started my slide towards living full time as my authentic transgender self. 

As I said, this happened years ago when I went to a transvestite "mixer" in nearby Columbus, Ohio.  The evening included a chance at having a professional makeover, if you were brave enough to do it. Finally, after agonizing I decided to hitch up my big girl panties and go for it. Of course the first problem was having to remove my wig and existing makeup. To make a long story short, the makeup up artist was a guy and he did a fabulous job! It was the first time I had seen the real girl me staring back at me from a mirror. Deep down, somehow I knew I could never go home again to being my routine guy self again. Then it was reinforced by a guy approaching me in a venue some of us went to later in the evening.

I had experienced the first of many blind dates with my transgender self.

However, my male self would never go easily and fought totally against my feminine self. Even to the point of him wanting to show himself to a couple cis women I knew who totally were accepting me as a transgender woman. 

Finally it took my relationship with my partner Liz to completely accept my natural self. 

The last gasp took years to get to. Thanks Emma for the memories. 

Emma Holiday