Upping your Game

 

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As I followed my winding gender path towards living a life as a fulltime transgender woman, there were many times when I needed to up my game if I wanted to keep going.

Along the way, there were simply too many blind curves and dead ends to count. For some reason, I hitched up my new big girl panties and proceeded forward. Sometimes it was just a touch of gender euphoria I experienced which kept me going. For some reason, one of the euphoric experiences I felt was one of the nights I went to a diverse private gender party in nearby Columbus, Ohio. For the evening I decided to match up my black tights with my black shorts, loose black net sweater and red wig, I was aiming for an upscale casual look and was confident I achieved it. What escapes me now is what my wife was doing that evening because I am sure she would have disapproved. No matter what outfit I put together to wear. I just know for whatever reason, she was not there. Leaving me free to explore and explore I did.  

At the party, I was always used to upping my game because often there were the prettiest of the pretty people attending. I knew I couldn't out do them but just did not want to embarrass myself either. It turned out I didn't at the party which turned out to be a look into the future for me when it came to my sexuality. During the evening I met and got along with a lesbian who was attending for the first time. In fact, we got along so well, we decided to leave the party and go downtown to a well known lesbian venue I had been to many times. Nothing really happened between us and we returned to the party. The importance of the meeting was I proved to myself I could conceivably live a life as a transgender lesbian if I upped my game enough. If I did, I wouldn't have to ever worry about attracting a standoffish man again. Who, for the most part ignored me or treated me as some sort of a fetish object.  

As it turned out, just when I thought I had reached a successful stopping point to rest in my gender journey, something else came along and again and again I needed to up my game. I didn't realize until much later I was building a whole new person and needed all the help I could get. I found I was doing so much more than just doing my best to appear as a woman, I needed to communicate with the entire world as one also. On occasion, the only clarity I had was I knew I needed to keep going and some day I might be able to live my lifelong dream of living a feminine life. 

Ironically, I was able to find my way thanks to a close group of lesbian friends I found and was accepted by. In addition to my other life lessons I learned the basics of being a woman who did not need the validation of a man to thrive in the world. Thanks to them, I was able to keep upping my game and progressing along my gender path as I was losing all of my male privilege. 

Perhaps, most importantly, I didn't have to worry about my sexuality anymore and was able to eventually marry my wife Liz who identified as a lesbian also. She really helped me to up my game and succeed in life as a trans woman. 

Sex and the Transgender Girl

Wouldn't that subject make one heck of a reality television show?  More exciting than Mountain Men? Who knows, but one does touch quite a few nerves when you talk about it.  Then again, it's a highly personal subject.

Back when Dr. Stanley Biber was performing all the SRS changes in Trinidad, Colorado (prior to Marci Bowers joining his staff in 2003) all the rage was to have the operation, find a man, go stealth and live happily ever after. How about a plot like this- transsexual woman goes through the change, begins ideal life with the man of her dreams- until the woman of her dreams comes along?

Regardless of your feelings about all of that, times "are a changin'" (could Bob Dylan have been a closeted cross dresser?)

Most of us were shocked when Facebook went from two binary gender choices to 50-most of which we didn't understand-unless we were living them.  I for one, thought the process was a huge step forward, as much so as a growing number of individuals who rebel at any sort of sticker label being applied to them.  All of the sudden, genitalia aren't the basis for gender feelings and aren't the basis for being comfortable as a chosen gender in life.

Then, as you take sexuality and mix it in with this potent brew-the whole picture becomes even more confusing to some and exotic to others.  At my recent visit to the Equality Ohio meeting, the organizers went around the room and asked us to give our name, pronoun preference - plus how we identified.  I gave it all-to a point.  For some reason I said I identified as a transgender woman- not a transgender lesbian woman and transgender veteran (which I brought up later to them)  I just figured it was too much information for them.

Some times, it is too much information for me.  This Cyrsti's Condo comment sent in by Caroline, may say it best:

I was about four and a half and had know that there was something wrong for a couple of years already then I twigged that as bad as I thought it was, girls liking girls was a real no no...

I really thought way back in the fifties that I was truly doomed, they think I am a boy is bad enough but to not want to be a typical girl who likes boys, what the heck!?

I was even thinking only a few years ago that such a fact would make sure I never got any help but I did.

Who on earth can find guys attractive anyway?

Thanks Caroline, fortunately my Mom found my Dad attractive enough so I could be here babbling :). But of course I know what you are writing about. I believe the longer I do this, the more I feel there are more people like us Caroline.  I'm so glad you got help!

To those of you who are still coming out and unsure of your sexuality, I would say yes, the lesbians are a tough crowd to be accepted into.  But, if you follow certain parameters, I'm proof it's not impossible. (Coming up in a future post.) To explain the process even better, I'm still trying to get my lesbian partner to write a post or two here-maybe she could explain what the trans scenery looks like from the "other side of the street." 

She's a tough sell!!!