Finding Me

Sadly, it seems I have spent the majority of my life searching for my true self. Selfishly, on occasion, I want the time back. 

Of course, I know it is impossible to regain time spent, so I try to make sense of it all. I try to remember all the highlights (and low lights) of desperately trying to discover my true gender. Unfortunately, I didn't make all the right moves as I went down the gender path to transgender womanhood. One major mistake I made was trying so hard to make my presentation perfect, I neglected the most important part of my Mtf gender transition, what kind of feminine person did I want to become. As I started to go out to the same venues, I was recognized as a person. I recognized at the time, it was because I was trying to discover a new world as a cross dresser but I didn't want to be known as a bitchy one. 

Then I came to the point when I couldn't "put the genie back in the bottle." I was seriously beginning to establish myself as a feminine person and it felt good and natural. Better yet, it was easy for me to be a "nice" person since the greatest majority of the people I met were nice to me. Essentially I was taking another giant step out of the mirror. Early on when I went out shopping or whatever, it seemed all I was doing was going from mirror to mirror to try to re enforce my feminine appearance. 
Looking back on all of this now, it seems like a blur when in reality it took years to happen. 

As I like to do, I'm bringing in another quote from a person named Emma who went through a similar experience

:
"I have searched a lifetime for me, never understanding who I was. My ignorance made me afraid of me. Everyone around me shared the same ignorance and fear.

How desperately sad. How tragic. What a heartbreaking thing to finally realize… but what an amazing discovery. What an exciting realization. What an opportunity to touch a part of your neglected heart, an untouched part of your soul, and to know it’s ok to share it all with the world. It’s ok to feel these hidden pieces mend and meld to make you feel whole, finally, and to tenderly feel their warmth.

It’s like the passing of a storm. The clouds part, and the warm rays of sun create your own personal rainbow. You suddenly breathe in and know that your lungs are filled with the joy of life.
I always will hold on to these moments of discovery for the rest of my life. No one will ever take them away from me."

Well put!

Defining your Trans-ness

To be fair, I'm borrowing this line from Miss America's first autistic contestant when she said "I define my autism, it does not define me."

Defining our individual level of "trans-ness".is equally as important. From closet cross dressers to transsexual activists, defining ourselves is key to our personal lives. Even if it is just you and the mirror or you and the world- just thinking "Wow" this is really me defines you.

I thought initially writing this blog, or working on a book or doing a workshop defines me as a transgender woman. In truth though, all of those things are external.  What really defines me are my friends, my relationship and family.

Ironically, I think so many think I had some sort of easy past to get here. On the contrary we all know we have paid considerable dues on our gender journey. Plus a certain segment of the transgender culture even seem to think those dues put them on top of the food chain.

For me though, the difficult part is not forgetting the stages along the way.  Remembering those dark years so long ago when "the girl in the mirror" defined me keeps me real. I just hate when I catch myself climbing up on some slippery pedestal.

Now the most exciting aspect of defining my transgender womanhood  is the simple fact I'm still evolving. I'm still defining being a trans woman.

But no longer being a trans woman defines me.