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| Image from Tim Mossholder on UnSplash. |
Father’s Day always brings about a set of conflicting emotions in me.
First, I remember my dad. He was a powerful figure in my
life. He was a part of the “greatest generation”, served in WW II, survived the
great depression and ended up being a self-made man. He ended up eventually building
his own house from the ground up and retired as a vice-president of a bank he
worked at for years.
The conflict came in when it came to expressing any emotions
to his family. Primarily he was shy in expressing anything to my younger
brother and I. He was a strong provider but a weak father figure in many ways.
I think now, he was doing the best he could with what he had to work with. His
generation could only give so much.
As fate would have it, my brother and I were able to
overcome dad’s lack of emotional leadership or guidance. We both were very hands-on
in how we raised our children. I have a daughter, and he has two sons to raise.
Any of you who are regulars around here know how fortunate I am to have a very
diverse and acceptable daughter. I must have done something right when I raised
her.
Here is an example of what she has done to accept me over
the years. From day one, when I was scared to death to come out to her by
blurting out, I was transgender. She responded by doing several things including
a shopping trip (which I turned down) all the way to inviting me on a trip to
her upscale beauty salon which I accepted, my mantra became when I was scared
to do something, go ahead and do it. Because of the amount of fear I felt on
the day I went to the salon to have my long hair colored and styled.
Now here is the part of the story with my daughter gets a
little messy with some folks. When I first transitioned, I went from Father’s
Day to “Parent’s Day” which was fine with me. Then, suddenly, my kid started to
honor me on Mother’s Day with no prompting from me. Initially, I was too
embarrassed to accept such an honor but when I received the same honor from my wife
Liz’s son, it stuck with me.
In addition to be so honored, my daughter had
worked with me to pick a new legal name which would be easy for the grandkids
(three) to grasp and remember. In a short period of time, I came up with a new
name which was a throwback to family names of the past I had admired. My
parents had given my male name as a tribute to the doctor who successfully delivered
me. They had gone through three still births before me and were ready to give
up and adopt a child until I came along. The problem was that my dead name was
going to be very difficult to feminize so I went in an entirely different direction.
What I chose, with the input of my daughter, was to slightly
feminize my maternal grandfather’s name and use it as my first name. Then, for
my middle name, I chose my middle name as my mom’s first name when I buried my
hatchet with her and honored her for all she did for me. If she is up in the
sky looking down on me now, I wonder what she would think about my life now.
Which has nothing to do with Father’s Day.
I would have chosen part of my dad’s name if it had been possible.
His two names (like mine) would be too difficult to femininize. No chance for Charley
to be changed to Charlene is an example. My point is that I don’t want to underrate
the effort dad put into being my father. As I said, I have forgiven him because
of the tools of fatherhood he received did not live up to my expectations. I
guess through it all, I knew he loved me in his own way
Even though I have been removed from the Father’s Day agenda
and moved into an arena I never thought possible, I still appreciate all I was
given to me by my dad, even though he is long departed, he never knew he had a
daughter not a son. I never had the courage to bring up the subject to him
before he caught dementia and passed away. I labor under some sort of an idea he
may have accepted me, unlike my mom.
Sadly, throughout the transgender world, so many trans
children are never accepted by their parents. Leading the way to higher rates
of transgender suicide.
Whatever is the case for you, I hope you have a great Father’s
Day.
