Back from the Brink

Picnic with my wife Liz on right. 
 

As I changed out my estrogen patches this morning, I thought about how far back from the brink I have come over the years towards my dream of becoming a full time transgender woman. 

Along the way, it became evident to me I needed to streamline my life If I was ever going to succeed in my goals. I carried way too much old male baggage with me and if I ever expected to actually to succeed, I needed to determine what I needed to leave behind. Since I was attempting a later aged MtF transition, I had a truck load of baggage to consider such as family, friends, employment etc. As it turned out, I received an even break with my family as I retained my daughter in my life but lost my brother along with his extended red-neck family. So, I considered I did well, all things considered. As far as close friends went, I never made many which probably due to the fact I always thought someday I would have to disclose my gender issues to them. But first, I needed to be truthful to myself and realize my dreams went far beyond just looking and cross dressing as a woman. I wanted to be one, a huge difference when it came to telling another person. 

My issue with telling other friends became a non issue when sadly, most of my other close friends passed away. Leaving me on the brink by myself and looking down a very steep gender cliff. During this time, the pressure was continually building to make a decision on how my life was to be lived. Would the status-quo be good enough to get by, or did I need to make a radical change and hope for the better. By this time also, my second wife had passed away, leaving me with no real relationship obstacle to hurdle. Essentially, I had free reign to do as I pleased. If I wanted to take my feminine self to a downtown festival or an outdoor concert I did it.  The whole process helped my to decide my gender future as I continued to feel so natural. Even though I was on the brink.

In the meantime, I was slowly shedding as much of my old male baggage as I could. If I could help it, I never bought any male clothes as I expanded my feminine wardrobe. If and when I stood on the brink of my cliff, I wanted to look as feminized as possible. It worked as I was able to interact in a whole new world to me. 

Eventually, what happened , my new friends shoved me off of my brink and at the same time provided me a safe, soft landing. They took me at face value as a transgender woman and did not want to know anything about my male past, so I was happy beyond belief, I couldn't figure out why I had such good fortune but could only surmise it was because of all of the years of gender struggle I spent getting to the brink. My world was finally coming full circle.

I also need to mention women such as Kim, my wife Liz and my therapist Dr. "C" who helped me negotiate me coming back from my brink. Plus, as I write this, I realize I never came back from the brink, I made my way through it. 

Even still, being at the brink for all those years was  the mental challenge of a lifetime and without all the help I received from the women around me, I am not so sure I would have made it. Or, at the least I would have been a different person today.  

A Point of No Return

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives.

For nearly a half a century I considered myself a more or less serious cross dresser or transvestite. In addition, I considered the transvestite label little more than just that, a label which was appropriate just to  use around others. Even though I rarely told anyone else about my gender issues.

The only people I can remember telling would number under ten before I finally came out into the world as a novice transgender woman. The first people I ever trusted enough to share my biggest secret oddly enough were friends I had in the Army. My disclosure came after I risked what was left of my time in the Army by dressing totally as a woman for a Halloween party.  Following the party, several weeks later under the influence of great German beer, the subject of the party came up. Of course then, the conversation went to what our costumes were. 

When the subject turned to me and how good I looked, I gathered the courage and told the three others the night was not the first time I had cross dressed as a woman and in fact I was a transvestite. I ended up taking a major leap of faith telling them because I still had approximately six or seven months to go on my enlistment and conceivably I could have encountered problems if the gender information I disclosed got into the wrong hands. After making it so far towards an honorable discharge, I certainly did not want to destroy the time I had put in. Plus, what would I tell my friends and family at home when I arrived back there early. 

To make a long story short, nothing negative happened with telling my friends I was in reality a transvestite and the experience was very liberating. On the other hand, I was not going to tell the rest of the world my secret. Of importance is the fact one of the people I told that night turned out to be the mother of my child and future wife. So I did not have to worry about telling her once we became married. I see her to this day and we still get along. Sadly, the other two friends I told are now deceased and I lost track of them almost completely before they passed. 

All of this brings me to the next person I told which was my Mom. It happened one night shortly after I was discharged and I was living at home for a very short while. One night when I came home from partying with my friends she was waiting up for me just like back in my college days. Somehow the conversation turned to my life and what I was up to. Out of the clear blue sky I decided to tell her my deepest secret about being a transvestite. I was still feeling liberated from telling my friends in the Army and felt secure in telling her, betting she would never tell my Dad. Just about the time I was feeling good about including Mom in my world, she turned around and roundly rejected me. All she really did was offer to pay for psychiatric care to solve the problem. Very quickly I rejected her offer and said no one was going to, in essence, plug me into a socket for electro-shock therapy.  From then on until she died, the subject of my growing gender dysphoria was never brought up again. 

The last person I came out to when I was still in my gender closet was my second wife. I write extensively concerning our gender battles but the fact remains she supported me as a cross dresser until I began my transition into a transgender woman. In essence, over the span of our twenty five year marriage, we just grew apart until her untimely death. 

Once I reached the point of no return in my male to female gender transition. there was no point in worrying about telling anyone I was transgender. It was obvious to the public who interacted with me what I was and they were left to draw their own conclusion. All of a sudden, all the pressure was off of me. All I needed to do was to do my best to present to the public who I really was. Plus, I would be remiss if I did not mention the roles gender affirming hormones played in my experiences. I was so happy with the results I was experiencing, I never wanted to go back to a testosterone filled life. For once, a plan came together for me and the point of no return never had to be challenged. 

Is it Sustainable?

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

When I was cross dressing for myself in the mirror, it was easy to imagine me sustaining how I felt when I put on my small stash of feminine clothes. It seemed as if the feelings could go on forever. Then all too quickly I found I couldn't sustain my feelings of gender euphoria any more than a couple of days at the most.

At that point, I began to wonder about the feelings the clothes brought on to start with. I recognized at a very early age more was going on than just appearing pretty to myself in the mirror. I wanted to be the girl I had become, rather than just look like her. If I knew then what I know now, I would know my feelings would later lead me to discovering a transgender life. Perhaps if I thought it would be sustainable, I may have transitioned earlier.

One of the main problems with sustaining myself as a trans woman was maintaining a presentable feminine appearance. I worked hard to do it and when the mirror in the women's restroom I went to one night in a gay venue where I was meeting two lesbian friends told me I looked good, my confidence soared. It was summer and I was dressed all in black that night with  a sleeveless silky top with black flowing pants. I finished the outfit off with my favorite black sparkly sandals and long straight black wig. Fortunately by this time in my life, I learned the hard way my male privilege of personal security was gone so when I left, I asked my friends to walk me to my car which was parked in a dark urban parking lot. I had been there before and had been stopped by two men seeking money. Luckily a mere five dollars got me out of the bind I was in.

Keeping the appearance issue in mind, my biggest sustainability issue came from worrying how I would support myself if I transitioned. The industry I worked in, I knew would be very difficult  to succeed in if I suddenly changed my gender from male to female. So I knew I would have to find another way of financial support. What I came up with was getting old and just taking the early retirement option of Social Security. It wasn't a lot of money but it was enough to get me by and save me the extreme potential problems of trying to come out at a new job. 

So with all the help I discovered from my Veterans Administration health, doors opened for me which I never thought possible. The prime one was all the help I received when I finally decided to begin gender affirming hormones or HRT. A therapist was provided as well as my medication co-pay for all the meds I needed to really change my life. With those meds, at a price I could afford, my long term sustainability was secure. 

Perhaps the tragic aspect of all of this is almost all of my friends and close family had passed on. Leaving me with fewer and fewer people to come out to. However, times of potential gender trauma were greatly reduced and new doors were opened to me I never dreamed of as a transgender woman. The sustainability was there and so was I.  

Sizing Up the Crowd

 

Image from Uwe Conrad 
on UnSplash

One of the earliest lessons I learned when I first began to attempt to present as a realistic woman in the world was how I was always on stage. It presented a problem since I had always been very shy around people.

It didn't matter because both men and primarily women sometimes went out of their way to size me up. Plus, while I am on the subject, I was very insecure about my size as a novice cross dresser or highly questioning transgender woman. Initially I made the mistake of walking slightly hunched over to hide the fact I was nearly six foot tall. Then I realized there were plenty of other cisgender women around me and I could stand up tall and project confidence to the world. I learned the hard way that people were similar to sharks and could sense another person's insecurities so I needed to do better in all aspects of my presentation as a trans woman. 

One of the key insights I learned quickly was quite naturally, the world I was trying to enter was run by women. So I needed to figure out how to effectively play in their sandbox. On the other hand, men were out since they had a tendency to ignore me anyhow. If a man did pay attention to me, he would normally treat me as a lesser individual. When men paused to size me up, my reaction was to quickly keep moving. I did have a few very rare interactions with men but didn't feel particularly secure with the experiences. 

Women were a different story. When I started my male to female gender transition I received more attention from women than I ever had as a man. As I soaked in the attention, I thought most of the women were just curious of why I was in their world and became amused when I needed to encounter the everyday issues they did in a feminine world. Such as personal security, hot flashes etc.. They would  simply smile and say welcome to their world. Little did they know how badly I wanted to be in their world. Being included in a group of women helped me not to be singled out for attention. When the group I was in was sized up, I was simply part of the group and not an individual. 

The group of women I was a part of just happened to be lesbians so I faced a unique situation when it came to what sort of crowd was sizing me up. On several occasions we would attend lesbian mixers, so blending in met a nice pair of jeans, top and in season boots in the winter. In terms of the society I was trying to fit in with was I attempting to present as an attractive lipstick lesbian. I was successful on occasion attracting super butch lesbians and in fact, one of my first dinner dates I had with a man was  a trans man. We stayed in touch and often he made fun of me for being scared to death on our date. Which I was!

Scared or not, over time I became experienced in sizing up the crowd and bracing myself for the impact I would make. Somedays I receive little or no response to my public appearances. When nobody seems to notice me I know I sized up the crowd and won my gender struggle. Other times, when the room I am in goes silent and I am stared at, I know I wasn't so successful. At this point in my life, I am used to all sorts of reactions, so I can move on quite easily. 

Even still, I am aware of the public crowds I face and do my best to size them up and react appropriately. No longer am I so shy.

Gender Willpower

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Collection

Over the years I made at least two major mis-conceptions and spent precious time attempting to over compensate. 

The first big one was I was a male to female cross dresser. When in reality, the opposite was true, I was a female to male cross dresser. I was forced into dressing like a guy to survive in a world I never really accepted. It took an enormous amount of willpower to maintain an image of being a well adjusted male in the world. Too much as a matter of fact. Every time I snuck around to build a  small collection of my own feminine wardrobe items and makeup, I would then build up the courage to "purge" (throw away) my stash and feel good for several days when I "manned up" and got the gender monkey off of my back. Sadly, most of you know what happened next. The gender pressure would build again and I would begin to rebuild my small wardrobe and makeup collection. If I didn't, I would become irritable and very nasty to live with as I attempted to make everyone around me as miserable as I was. 

The second major misconception I encountered was when I was much older and entered a phase called my "twin spirit" time. It was about this period of my life when I began to be exposed to a life source advanced by many of the ancient native tribes. Some of them believed and accepted multi gendered individuals. Some of them to the point of viewing them as special citizens in their tribes. At the time, I thought Wow! this is for me. The problem was later on I found I wasn't a true twin spirited person because all along I rejected my male side and was only influenced in the public's eye by the testosterone poisoning I had gone through. So on the outside, I looked the part of a total male.  Again I spent most of my time and gender willpower trying to fight the cards I was dealt as a transgender person.

Again and again I was stubborn and tried to "purge" my femininity out of my life. No matter how hard I tried, the results were still the same. In a short period of time I kept going back to the mirror and enjoying my cross dressed image. 

Finally, I left the mirror behind and became fairly proficient in being out in the public as a transgender woman. My willpower was beginning to shift from fighting my gender changes to one of acceptance. When I did, I was able to decrease the pressure I was putting on myself to conform to a male-centric life. The main discovery was I was correct  in  was when I thought deep down I was always born to be a girl and something went horribly wrong. When my willpower went to the positive side, I was able to build the life I was always destined for. 

In the end I realized gender willpower was always a powerful human emotion and one which is taken for granted from the majority of the population. Once I arrived at the place now on my own gender journey, I can now allow all of my willpower to send me in the right direction. To live out the rest of my life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

All the Gender Baggage

Image from UnSplash

 Sometimes I feel just like "Paris Hilton" in a recent hotel commercial when she had to reserve an adjoining room for all of her extra baggage. Completing a male to female gender transition often produces just as much baggage we accumulate from a life time of experiences.

Often, the older we are the more baggage we have to account for. In order to hide our feminine instincts and try our best to live as a male, we had to resort to extra ordinary measures to protect ourselves from bullies and bigots in the society around us. By doing so, our baggage became immediately very bulky and/or heavy. The problem was compounded by adding spouses, family and employment as we went on to live our lives. Before we knew it, we needed an extra room (similar to Paris Hilton) to keep and hide our baggage.  The problem becomes, when we finally decide to change our outward gender, what are we going to do with the male person who helped me to get to the transition point.  

In my case, my baggage involved having a wonderful daughter I didn't know would accept the authentic  new me, a very successful job and a loving wife of twenty five years to deal with among other things. To make matters worse, I knew my job would not accept me transitioning along with my wife who said our marriage would be over. She didn't sign up to be with a woman.  What happened to me was my daughter accepted me when I came out as transgender to her, I left my job to start my own restaurant and my wife sadly passed away. I guess you could say destiny opened the doors to put my major baggage issues aside and move towards living my impossible dream of living as a full time transgender woman. The closer my gender transition came to reality, the more baggage I discovered which needed to be considered and taken care of.

The more I was able to live my new exciting feminine life, the more baggage I found which needed to be considered, added on to my life or just discarded of. My biggest piece of  extra baggage I needed to deal with was my love of sports. Over the span of my life I had used my love of sports to drive a wedge between me and any possible bullies. I tried along the way to play football and became a fan of the sport as well as having a passing interest in baseball and basketball. I found out quite early in my life transition, I would have a difficult time bringing my interest in sports with me. It took me several ill fated attempts at enjoying myself in male gay venues to get the idea I was going at my problem all wrong. To be accepted as a sports fan all over again, I needed to go where there were other possible woman sports fans. In other words, big sports bars with many televisions and large cold draft beers. Not exactly the environment I envisioned myself in during my formative gender years but on the other hand the whole experience felt natural and I had solved one of my huge gender baggage issues. Very soon I was accepted as a regular patron in several popular venues and I was able to enjoy myself.

The other big issue I needed to deal with was my sexuality. Since I had never been really sexually attracted to any other man, I wondered what would happen to me as a new transgender woman. The answer didn't come long in being answered when I did briefly date men and still didn't have much of a spark except when I had the luxury of being on the arm of a man and enjoying the ease of acceptance I received in public from society.  Looking back, none of the lack of real acceptance from men mattered because my acceptance from cis-women soon dominated my life. I never had to worry about my sexuality changing because it didn't. 

In any other items of interest I had when I was desperately trying to live as a man were left behind. All the experience I had gained restoring an old house was a prime example. I became decidedly unhandy around the house. 

Once I had decided which baggage I was keeping and which I wasn't, life became full again and I could concentrate on building a new life by writing more and enjoying myself.  

Transgender Awareness Week

 During Transgender Awareness Week it is important to note the basic differences we trans folk all bring to the table. From the outside looking in, I am certain most civilians think we are all the same. Persons who want to live as the opposite gender than they were born. The average person isn't sophisticated enough to see gender on the spectrum it is. In other words we all fit in somewhere between the two binary genders of male and female. 

Recently I have been seeing more and more mostly younger people refer to themselves as gender fluid or even non binary. When I do see either of the gender comments I equate them to myself. Even to the point of wondering how a gender fluid idea would have affected me in my formative years before the internet and social media became such powerful forces. A gender fluid idea would have certainly simplified everything I was going through with my gender dysphoria when I was growing up wondering what gender I wanted to be that day. 

Finally the transgender term became the catch term I grabbed onto as being the closest descriptor to what I felt about life. What could be easier than thinking yes I was transitioning from male to female so I was transgender. On my path however there were still many days when I still wanted to cling to my old male life I worked so hard to establish. They were the confusing days when I was having a difficult time deciding if moving forward to a feminine or transgender lifestyle was the proper way to go. None of this major confusion could be understood by the public when I couldn't understand it myself on many days. 

Currently I think I do quite a bit to promote transgender awareness whenever I go out.  Even though I do the best I can to present to blend in with the other women I encounter, I am sure more than a few of the public think there is something wrong with the gender picture they are dealing with. Thoughts of not being accepted used to bother me until I came up with my own little formula to deal with it. I learned the hard way most people are in their little worlds and don't care to be bothered with mine. Then there are the slim few who vaguely recognize something may be out of sorts with the way I look but keep on going anyhow. Finally there are the even slimmer portion of the public who want to make a big deal out of encountering a transgender person. At this point transgender awareness really comes into play. 

Hand Beaded Hair Barret
LizTDesigns
On Etsy 

In many ways I feel transgender awareness is needed in the worst way. The more visible we as a community become, the more political power we have. An example is here in Ohio where the organization "Trans-Ohio" as well as others have turned out in force to at least postpone efforts to try to oppress transgender care for youthful Ohioans. In a state dominated by Republican politicians, every little bit helps. In addition to adding my voice by calling the committee chairperson in the state capital of Columbus, I will be wearing my transgender hair barret to family functions coming up. 

Speaking of coming up, TDOR is fast approaching which is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Sadly at least thirty two trans people have lost their lives this year to senseless violence. So it pays to be careful if you are out and transgender.  

In the meantime, even if you are still in the closet, hopefully someday you will be able to swing the door open and enjoy the nicer more welcoming world to the transgender LGBTQ community. Even if we have to force the door open.

Changing Gender Gears

 Of course I am biased but I have always thought a human changing gender was one of the most difficult things to attempt. 

As far as I am concerned, as I began to become more serious about making the jump to a transgender feminine life, I began to practice feminine mannerisms when I thought others weren't watching. I would go to big box stores during their down times just to practice my walk. 

Earliest known 
Picture
Circa 2012

Make up wasn't such a problem for me as I had been applying it for literally decades before I seriously decided to transition. As I remember though, I had to remind myself to not overdo it. As I started to go out and live with women and be accepted, I had to learn to blend. 

Of course, all bets were off when I started hormone replacement therapy. Even though I started on a bare minimum dose, the changes began to be very unmistakable.  The obvious happened, I grew breasts and let my hair grow out. The surprise came when my skin softened and my face began subtle changes. All in all, I had planned a year before I had to put my male self in the closet. I ended up revising it to six months. 

As I look back to the whole experience, I was fortunate in that I found a small group of cis women to socialize with. I always say they taught me more about the feminine lifestyle than I could have ever learned on my own. But learn I did.

Putting my old guy self in the closet was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Overall though, changing gender gears was as terrifying as it was exciting. It was an experience I was born to do.
  

Plastic Surgery and Gender Reassignment and Beyond

This is the second time recently Behold-The Photo Blog has featured several transgender or cross dresser photos.  Here is the latest:

"Michelle Sank is interested in young people and the issues they face. One of her early projects, called "Bye Bye-Baby," explores the way boys and girls interpret their understanding of masculinity and femininity. Following suit, her more recent series, “In My Skin,” deals with the pressure young people feel from media and pop culture to achieve a specific physical standard."

And of course a couple of the featured photos. The first on the right is MtF transgender Cambell.

The second is John  transgender FtM (below) and now identifies gender neutral.

Here are a couple links for more. The first is Michelle Sank's and the second is The Photo Blog.

Transgender Transition with a capital "T"!

The only comment I can add to this trans woman's transition video is WOW  Then again is this too good? One of the comments suggested a possible brother/sister team on this? I have seen quite a few amazing transition videos but many of them mention Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS).  I don't think it was brought up here. At any rate take a look:

Vietnamese Transsexual

From Vietnam's Vietnam.Net comes the story of the first legally recognized transgender woman.

"In  November 5, 2009,  the decision: allowed Pham Van Hiep to re-define sex from male to female and to change her name to Pham Le Quynh Tram. She said,   “I can’t believe that this is true. I cannot describe my happiness of living with my true sex,” Tram went on to say was born in HCM City. Her family moved to Binh Phuoc when she was small. Tram was born as an intersex but she was defined at birth as a boy."

Follow the link for more!




But then on a story dated Monday: On Monday Nguyen Van Hoi, chairman of Binh Phuoc People’s Committee, officially asked the justice department to act as a counselor in revoking two decisions issued by the People’s Committee of Chon Thanh district in 2009 and 2011 to allow Pham Van Hiep to re-define his sex from male to female and to change his name to Pham Le Quynh Tram. The provincial people’s committee said in a statement that the gender recognition is against the law. The provincial authorities have also proposed disciplinary action against the officials who approved this decision. Since receiving approval to redefine her sex, Pham Van Hiep has become widely known as the first transgender in Vietnam recognized by the authorities as a woman. “I can’t believe that this is true. I cannot describe my happiness of living with my true sex,” Hiep was quoted saying at the time. Go here for that link Sad!!!! Why can't the world just let us live?