Gender Willpower

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Collection

Over the years I made at least two major mis-conceptions and spent precious time attempting to over compensate. 

The first big one was I was a male to female cross dresser. When in reality, the opposite was true, I was a female to male cross dresser. I was forced into dressing like a guy to survive in a world I never really accepted. It took an enormous amount of willpower to maintain an image of being a well adjusted male in the world. Too much as a matter of fact. Every time I snuck around to build a  small collection of my own feminine wardrobe items and makeup, I would then build up the courage to "purge" (throw away) my stash and feel good for several days when I "manned up" and got the gender monkey off of my back. Sadly, most of you know what happened next. The gender pressure would build again and I would begin to rebuild my small wardrobe and makeup collection. If I didn't, I would become irritable and very nasty to live with as I attempted to make everyone around me as miserable as I was. 

The second major misconception I encountered was when I was much older and entered a phase called my "twin spirit" time. It was about this period of my life when I began to be exposed to a life source advanced by many of the ancient native tribes. Some of them believed and accepted multi gendered individuals. Some of them to the point of viewing them as special citizens in their tribes. At the time, I thought Wow! this is for me. The problem was later on I found I wasn't a true twin spirited person because all along I rejected my male side and was only influenced in the public's eye by the testosterone poisoning I had gone through. So on the outside, I looked the part of a total male.  Again I spent most of my time and gender willpower trying to fight the cards I was dealt as a transgender person.

Again and again I was stubborn and tried to "purge" my femininity out of my life. No matter how hard I tried, the results were still the same. In a short period of time I kept going back to the mirror and enjoying my cross dressed image. 

Finally, I left the mirror behind and became fairly proficient in being out in the public as a transgender woman. My willpower was beginning to shift from fighting my gender changes to one of acceptance. When I did, I was able to decrease the pressure I was putting on myself to conform to a male-centric life. The main discovery was I was correct  in  was when I thought deep down I was always born to be a girl and something went horribly wrong. When my willpower went to the positive side, I was able to build the life I was always destined for. 

In the end I realized gender willpower was always a powerful human emotion and one which is taken for granted from the majority of the population. Once I arrived at the place now on my own gender journey, I can now allow all of my willpower to send me in the right direction. To live out the rest of my life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

PBS  I was fortunate enough to be able to catch Kumu Hina.  

It tells the story of Hina Wong-Kalu, a transgender hula teacher. She brings to life Hawaii's traditional embrace of of manu - or those who embody both male and female spirit. 

It is yet another tie in with many ancient/tribal twin spirit traditions which have been so tragically forgotten. Often to the point of religious motivated violence. Also, to those of you who think too many transgender documentaries are tied to those with tons of passing privilege-this is not it. 

Follow the link above for more! 

Two Spirits

Every once once in a while, I happen across an article which goes into an ancient culture's belief in the "two spirits" gender identity.  In fact the acceptance of transgender people was common in many indigenous communities to the point they assumed the role of "shaman's"

My latest "discovery" comes from the New York Times and is called: Two Spirits in the Venezuelan Jungle By Jake Naughton  — Here is an excerpt:
A chance encounter with an anthropologist in Caracas led Álvaro Laiz to Venezuela’s remote eastern edge, where an indigenous people known as the Warao have lived for millenniums. Mr. Laiz was intrigued when he heard about transgender women the Warao called “tida wena,” or, twisted women, because he had been working on a global project about transgender identities in nomadic and indigenous populations. “For me it’s about identity,” Mr. Laiz said. “The kind of things that make you the way you are.” Like other women, the tida wena tended to the home, cooked and cared for children and elders. They also participated in the harvest of important crops, like the ocumo chino, a starchy tuber. Historically, tida wena were sometimes the second or third wives of polygamous men. They also occasionally performed the role of shaman — the Warao are deeply rooted in the shamanist tradition — and tida wena in particular are thought to possess two spirits, bringing them closer to the ancestor spirits that roam the jungle.

When ever I read of the number of cultures who embraced  the "Twin Spirits" (it's estimated to be documented in 130 American Indian tribes alone)  individuals, I'm at once shocked, saddened and frustrated at the lack of understanding we face in the modern world.  Even more so when you consider the bitter in fighting in our own community.

If you are interested in researching any of this, follow the link above, or search the subject on line.  It is very enlightening!

One person who I know has always researched the Twin Spirits subject in depth is a regular visitor to Cyrsti's Condo.  His name is Don and he is in the midst of medical issues. I hope you all can take a second to pass along some positive vibes to Don, from what ever spirit you worship.  Thanks!!!