Gender Truth

 

Image from Oksana Manyich on UnSplash

It took nearly a half a century for me to come to terms with my gender truths. Mainly, what I was into was so much more than a casual approach to cross dressing. 

My first clues came when I learned the hard way just briefly looking like a girl in front of a mirror just wasn't good enough. I needed to do more and more to try to discover my gender truth. I even went as far as waterproofing a small collection of girls fashions and makeup in a nearby woods where we lived so I could be alone when I cross dressed. I even was able to move around and enjoy the outside air on my body. 

In the long term, discovering my gender truth was mainly a case of following all the clues. I already mentioned clue number one when I never could seem to be satisfied with being locked in my gender closet when all the women around me seemed to get all the benefits of society. It wasn't until much later when I found that wasn't true and men actually had many privileges in society which women never had. Regardless, I wanted so much not to be the chaser and wanted a girl to chase me instead. Plus there was the Vietnam War draft which hung over my life for years and years and threatened to destroy everything I had worked for so far. I felt it was so unfair girls never had to worry about a draft disrupting their lives. 

It was during this time in my life when I learned what it was really going to take to cover up and hide my gender truth. I resorted to the stereotypical male response to emotions and became very good at holding most all of my gender truths in. The only slip up I had was when I convinced my fiancé in college to dress me head to toe as a woman one day at a motel room I rented. It was a move I came to regret several times in the future when she began to hold the entire experience against me. Even to the point of pushing me to tell the draft board I was gay to gain an exemption. Which I never did. Even way back then, I knew my sexuality had nothing to do with my gender truth. I just did not know how to express it.

I took many more years before I could even come close to escaping my gender closet and admit to myself what was wrong with me. Even my second wife who fought with me over my rapidly increasing fondness for a transgender diagnosis for what I was feeling, told me to just get it over with and come out. Sadly, I didn't take her advice and still tried my best to fight my gender truth. I ended up making both of us miserable in the process before she passed away.

At that point, I had very little to hold me back and even I began to realize perhaps I could live my gender truth and live full-time as a transgender woman. For the first time since the Army, approximately forty years previous, I didn't have a spouse or woman in my life to deal with. So it was time for my inner woman to finally have her chance at life. Following the huge relief of finally making the decision to transition, I began femininizing hormones and never looked back.

It turned out, it was all my fault for not realizing the truth all those years. Once I was able to live my gender truth, life became livable again.  Nothing was wrong with me. I just chose the wrong path. 

  

A Day Out with the Vampires

 Well, I finally made it out of the house for an extended period. Ironically, it was only to visit my Veteran's Administration hospital in Dayton, Ohio to have my blood labs taken. For those of you who don't know, I am a transgender veteran of the Army during the Vietnam War era.

The last several times I have made the journey to visit the "vampires" as I call them has been very much uneventful. This time though, they waiting room was nearly full and once I did take my turn, I had so many vials of blood (8) they needed that the tech who took my blood had to use both arms to get enough blood. He finally did and I was sent on the way past the "admiring public" in the waiting area. 

Liz (my partner) was off from her job and agreed to go with me. Also the day happened to be unreasonably warm and beautiful. I was able to wear an easy to access T-shirt for the vampires pus jeans and tennis shoes. The one thing I noticed was how old the other Vietnam veterans looked. They were all wearing their hats and stood out from the rest of the room,

From the looks I received, I must have stood out too! Of course I was wearing a mask, so all they could see of me was my eye make up and very long hair. Any way you cut it too, I am not a small person at 5'10" and have the thick torso I inherited from living a life of testosterone poisoning. 

Yesterday though, none of any of the blank stares I was receiving bothered me in the least. In my mind I was the most attractive woman in the room. As I walked past all of them I tried to straighten my shoulders, stick out my chest and at the least try to be happy I was out of the house.

Even if it was only for a trip to the vampires.  

Huong Giang

From the Vietnam website:

"Transgender singer Huong Giang’s latest music video (MV) has attracted more than 18.6 million views on YouTube, with other hits gaining fame as well. 

The MV, Tang Anh Cho Co Ay, is a production between the singer who wrote the lyrics and Hua Kim Tuyen, her partner, composer and producer. 

Produced by the singer’s company Huong Giang Entertainment, Tang Anh Cho Co Ay reached nearly 15.3 million viewers four days after its release on February 6."

Tiers of Acceptance

I received a couple of thought provoking comments concerning my Cyrsti's Condo post about outing myself when I talk about my military past.

The first came from Paula:

"Yes, it's very easy to out ourselves by accident, I have had to be careful how I refer to much of my past, I now make sure that I was a "child" and a "Chorister" I played "Sport" and yes my wife often become my "partner" or my "ex", I have to make sure that I am a "tradesperson" and a "parent"; sometimes it can get quite tiring."

Connie also added:

"Even mentioning to someone, " After all, I met my wife in Germany and she became the Mother of my only daughter" pretty much outs you.

Although I have no actual war stories to tell, there is so much from my past life that I have to think twice about before discussing any of it with others. My wife has been changed to "my partner," and then I must be careful when I mention that we're still together, married now for 47 years. That's something for which I take great pride (though most of the credit goes to her), but I have often had to bite my tongue to keep from sharing that information. Still, I am surprised by the number of people who just assume that I am married to a man, and that I am a mother to my daughters and a grandmother to my grandchildren. I never correct anyone for those assumptions right away, but the further I might go into our past, the more apt I am to have to explain things.

Can I tell you the story of how I won the football game on the last play by ripping the ball from the quarterback's hands and running it back for a touchdown? No, I guess not; that story has not been in my repertoire for years. Oh, welll"

Thanks to both of you for the comments! 

As I wrote I judge how much I tell a person on how they are reacting to me. Plus I rarely have the chance to interact with total strangers. At that time, I only mention now I have a partner of eight years and a daughter with three kids.
I don't think it is any of their business that I did meet my first wife in Germany when she was in the Army too and she was the mother of my child. 

Then, if I leave out the twenty five year relationship with my second wife, I am caught up with my life. If I am chronically doing it relationship wise. 

Again, it goes back to who I am talking to and placing them on a tiered "need to know" basis. 

Ironically, if I mention which war I was part of (Vietnam), it does more to out my age than anything else.

Sex Safe Fashion

From the "Tuoitren" Vietnam News:

"Transsexual singer Huong Giang, who ended up in the top ten of the 2012 Vietnam Idol singing reality show, doesn’t mind donning a heavy dress made of 2,000 condoms as part of a community campaign to normalize condoms."

For the story, go here.

Vietnamese Transsexual

From Vietnam's Vietnam.Net comes the story of the first legally recognized transgender woman.

"In  November 5, 2009,  the decision: allowed Pham Van Hiep to re-define sex from male to female and to change her name to Pham Le Quynh Tram. She said,   “I can’t believe that this is true. I cannot describe my happiness of living with my true sex,” Tram went on to say was born in HCM City. Her family moved to Binh Phuoc when she was small. Tram was born as an intersex but she was defined at birth as a boy."

Follow the link for more!




But then on a story dated Monday: On Monday Nguyen Van Hoi, chairman of Binh Phuoc People’s Committee, officially asked the justice department to act as a counselor in revoking two decisions issued by the People’s Committee of Chon Thanh district in 2009 and 2011 to allow Pham Van Hiep to re-define his sex from male to female and to change his name to Pham Le Quynh Tram. The provincial people’s committee said in a statement that the gender recognition is against the law. The provincial authorities have also proposed disciplinary action against the officials who approved this decision. Since receiving approval to redefine her sex, Pham Van Hiep has become widely known as the first transgender in Vietnam recognized by the authorities as a woman. “I can’t believe that this is true. I cannot describe my happiness of living with my true sex,” Hiep was quoted saying at the time. Go here for that link Sad!!!! Why can't the world just let us live?

Transgender Vietnamese Talent

Lam Chi Khanh was a fairly well-known male singer from the southwestern part of Vietnam.  Recently she decided that she was more comfortable being a woman. Also Khanh told  the public that the change was not a public relations stunt  but a reflection of her real identity.

Perhaps Vietnam's most popular transsexual entertainer is singer, song writer Cindy Thai Tai shown below.

Getting "Weepy"

Damn hormones! Here I was actually needing my soft sweater jacket not for fashion-I was getting chilly. The next thing you know I will be jumping from the summer furnace I experienced into the winter freezer I really never have.  Over the years, I have loved cold weather. Be careful what you hope for? Kidding, I love I'm experiencing what I hoped for but never really understood. Specifically unexpected weepiness in this case.  I don't even really know if it's a word but it sure visited during a show we went to on the tour.
The show was country/gospel and mountain orientated which sort of fit where we were in the mountains of West Virginia (DUH!) Certain musical numbers for some reason sent me into an elevated emotional state and yes a few tears followed.
Fortunately it was dark in the place and I really didn't want to be the only person in the place crying-female or male or transgender. All was good...until:
At the end of the show, the performers wanted to thank all the veterans in the audience. Please hold your hand up if you are a veteran. My friend jabbed me in the side until I did raise my hand. OK, no big deal. I survived until..."all you veterans stand so we can thank you!" Well, I really didn't want to stand for not the reason you think but guess what-I did-to stop the abuse to my side.
Oh, one more thing I neglected to mention. Not only did the transgender girl end up sitting in the front row, I was in the middle of the front row. Where the hell was Jimmy Buffet when I needed him? But I digress.
I'm sort of funny about my Vietnam Vet status for a number of reasons which I won't bore you with. Mainly my deal is that as a group we were swept under the rug like the war itself and don't get me started on the mistreatment of Viet Vets affected by Agent Orange.
So being singled out and thanked for my service is as foreign to me as going in the first place and you thought standing as a transgender person would bother me.
I had to say, standing was easier than being drafted and I only had one very elderly lady thank me for my service in WWII. (Kidding-I hope!)

Vietnam Transgender Idol

"Huong Giang"

Thursday night, a jury in Vietnam's Top Idol Contest spoke highly to a 25-year-old girl from Hanoi, due to her effort during the competition.
 “The thing that surprises me is not your voice, it’s your effort. Your singing is not absolutely excellent, but your effort makes us want to see how you can improve,” judge My Tam commented. After that, the second judge, film director Nguyen Quang Dung went straight to the point by questioning if Giang had auditioned for Vietnam Idol before. After a few tentative seconds, the contestant admitted that she previously took part in the competition under a male name, Nguyen Ngoc Hieu. “I really appreciate young people who dare to be true to themselves and other people. Whatever you do, you take responsibility for it,” the film director said."


Read the whole story from Touitrenews.

1969

For many of us who lived through the 1960's (and remember it) 1968 and 1969 were especially exciting years.
All different genres of music were bursting onto the scene and were showcased in the 1969 Woodstock Music Festival in upstate New York.
The previous year Martin Luther King Jr.  and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated in 1968. Nothing was for certain except we were stuck in a lose/lose non war in Vietnam which was drafting and killing friends. D.M - R.I.P.
In the midst of all of this came the Stonewall Riots in late June of 1969.
Of course Stonewall is widely regarded as the beginning of the gay rights movement long before the "T" words were widely recognized. (transgender, transsexual excepting transvestite) Don't hold me to dates and people here, my point is looking back Stonewall was huge for me as a transgendered person. Let's remember even the gay community had nowhere to go easily or even legally before it.
As gay venues became more accessible they were a wonderful starting point for me to take steps out of my gender closet.
Being the historian that I am (amateur with a degree=dangerous) I decided to pass along another article before July settles in tomorrow:
Take a look here for the original "Advocate" article from 1969!