Where Do We Go From Here?

 

Image from Shifazz Shamoon
on UnSplash. 

Typically, as we follow our winding gender journeys as transgender women or transgender men, we reach points where we must decide what we are going to do next.

It is especially intimidating to see all the political anti-transgender ads on TV funded by far away billionaires such as Theil and Musk who are pouring millions into defeating Democratic candidates here in my native Ohio. Especially the ones stating that the Democrats are extremists who supported sex change surgeries for children in school. That is about as far as I want to go politically in this post, so I will move on to what really matters…each of us and how we feel.

If the so called “civilians” in our world knew what we have to go through to see results in our individual gender worlds, they may understand more what it is like to be in our shoes and being constantly bombarded with negativity. Following years of struggles (or decades) I was fortunate to have found my way into discovering who the true me really was and most of the years of turmoil went away. Even still, I needed to follow a journey of steps which led me to blind curves which I knew nothing about.

All I discovered was that I had an unique life worth living to the fullest and very few other human beings can live a life which enables them to experience both sides of the binary gender road. It meant being able to exist in a life I never really wanted to live as a man. Slowly stop it altogether and start all over to earn a place like the other gender. As frustrating as that life as a trans person can be, the rewards can still be there if you can answer all the what’s next. Since most of us begin our lives cross-dressing in front of a mirror, there is plenty of ground to cover. Because we are destined to have such a small knowledge of the gender we are seeking to become. Again, because we are stuck on the outside looking in.  

Gaining access to your new life can take many paths. Sadly, many involve marriage, family and friends we do not want to give up but have to. The ways to announce your true self to the world can be done in several ways. Some just pull the band aide off, cross-dress and say here I am to the world, while others write letters and others still try to soften the blow by providing positive feedback from the internet or social media. Sometimes, I think I chose the most painful way of all as I tried to maintain my marriage to a woman I loved deeply while I knew all along that my truth was going to slip sooner or later. To make matters worse, she knew I was a cross dresser from the beginning and accepted it but told me time and time again she would draw the line at any moves I would ever make to going the transgender route and taking HRT hormones. She did not want to live with another woman. An answer I could never debate.

I guess you could say, I wanted the best of both gender worlds as I tried to do better and better in the male world I learned to survive in, while at the same time work very hard on my makeup and wardrobe to appear more realistic as a woman. All I was doing was creating severe friction within the marriage and within my head. If I was not thinking about work, I was thinking about how I could improve myself as a novice trans woman. Which I was just understanding that is what I was.

Without fail, I would get moody and nasty when I did not get my way and be able to cross-dress when I wanted which led to more friction within the marriage and more fights. In the heat of battle, my wife told me a couple of things I should have reacted to sooner. One of which would have been difficult for me to do and the other I should have been doing all along. Being called a “Terrible woman” was one thing I did not understand until I had the chance to live my truth as a transfeminine person and the other time she told me, “Why didn’t I be a man and live like a woman.” She was right, I should have done it. No matter how painful it would have been for me to carve out a new life for myself during that portion of my life when I was in my thirties.

Another problem was the sizeable male ego I was still carrying around with me. He wanted me to look and act a certain way as a novice trans woman which my wife did not like. Which led to more fights. The only revenge I ever got on her was the night she was forced to ask me for help on her makeup when we were invited to an upscale business dinner. At least the “Terrible woman” was better at makeup, I guess.

The thing it took me years to understand was that it was never about looking terrible as a woman, it was all about being socialized as a ciswoman. Sadly, my wife passed away before she could ever get to know the new improved feminine me. It took me until I was in my fifties to begin to get admission into the Girls’ Club and fully understand more about what my wife was talking about all those years before. I was suddenly on the verge of knowing where I wanted to go from that point forward. As every part of my being was telling me I was making the right decision about my life and should go for it.

I would not recommend taking the amount of time I took on my gender path before I made the final decision to live a life I always thought was going to be a dream. I think now there would have to have been a better way or like my second wife said, “Be man enough to be a woman.”  At the same time, I had my reasons for not doing it when I did which I will discuss in-depth on another post.

In the meantime, I hope you have a clearer understanding of where you want to get to in the everchanging world of trans women and trans men.

Thanks so much as always for reading along and I hope somehow, I have helped you on your gender journey. Comments are always appreciated!

 

Transgender Journey...Down but Not Out

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash.

As transgender women and transgender men, it is easy to feel down and out as we try to navigate our new gender paths.

As I sometimes look back on my journey, it is easy to remember the good times and forget the bad. The most important thing about reliving the bad is having the appreciation for the world I am able to live in today as a fulltime trans woman. Every time I make simple trips in the world to the doctor’s, the Veterans Administration or the pharmacy, I always have to look back at remembering the not so good old days when I was struggling for acceptance. Either one of a couple things has happened. Either I have become better at my overall feminine presentation (wrong) or my confidence has taken me to a point where I don’t particularly care what the world thinks about me.

Either way, I look back to when I considered myself a very serious cross-dresser as I still was researching which fork in my gender path would I take. Back in those days, I took hours to prepare for an outing in the world, and I often wondered what I would do if I had to go out in the world everyday and compete with ciswomen everywhere. It was easy at that time to put those thoughts behind me as I was so obsessed with my feminine looks that my second wife kept calling me the “Pretty, pretty, princess.”  Naturally I loved the “pretty” part but rejected the “princess” part of her very pointed critique of me. One day, she even went as far as separating appearance from being a true woman for me when we were fighting about me wanting to go out. It was one of my all-time down moments when she told me I made a terrible woman. It hurt because I was not trying to make anything, I was just trying to express my true self, but I could not properly put my thoughts in a form she would understand.

I guess you could say, back then, I was definitely in my mental transgender formative years when my mind was trying to catch up with all the cross-dressing I was doing. Sadly, before I could formulate what a better version of my transgender self would be, all I experienced was an extreme amount of frustration. I could not understand what I was doing wrong when I was being successful in situations such as transgender-cross dresser mixers I was going to. The problem was the extreme gender euphoria I experienced at the mixers when I was mistaken for a ciswoman was not worth the resultant crash and depression, I felt when my life went back to its same old boring male self.

It all resulted in me being boxed into rarely getting out of my gender closet to explore the world and I was moody, resentful and not the easiest person to live with as I tried to internalize my gender feelings from my wife. A prime example was one year when we took a vacation from our native Ohio to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. On the trip up there, I progressively grew more depressed and mean until my wife asked me what was going on since I was supposed to be having a good time on vacation. Predictably, I lied my way out of it and did not tell her the truth that I rather be spending my vacation time as a woman rather than a man.

Somehow, I pulled myself back together and the vacation continued without incident, but I remember it as another low point. Little did I know at that time, destiny would finally come back to me on my gender path, and I would get my wish to go on extensive vacations as a transfeminine person.

Along the way, I have had many other low points which I write about often. Such as when a woman called me a pervert for simply using the women’s room in a venue, I had been a regular patron of for a long time and had no one say anything negative to me at all. Then much earlier than that when I was struggling to blend in with the world at all, there were all the stares and even laughter I needed to put up with on my journey to present. I was reduced to tears more times than I care to remember mainly by groups of teen girls struggling to find their own femininity. I was certainly at a low point when all of this was happening to me, and I did not have the tools yet to know which way to turn. All I had was this little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep going and my low points would disappear.

All of it did go away for a while until I hit my dark age when nearly everyone I cared about decided to die within a two-year period. The group included my second wife and three of my closest male friends. Who were the only ones I had. To add to my low point, I was desperately lonely and ended up relying on that little voice who at this time was growing louder and more insistent that she had all the answers for me. This time, I had very few other alternatives to fall back on. As one person told me after I had lost my restaurant along to everything else, you will land on your feet. Not knowing my feet would be in high heels when I did it.

I am sure that everyone’s lives have its share of highs and lows and I can not say a transgender woman or trans man lows would be even more dramatic, but it seems possible because we have so much to lose as we pick up our lives and move them across the gender border. Until we find ourselves living behind the gender curtain where we always wanted to me.

Hopefully if you are in the midst of a low time, you have a little voice telling you everything will be OK. If not, remember life is but a circle and what is down will eventually come up.

As always thanks for reading along and comments are always welcome.

 

 

 

See and Being Seen as Me

 

JJ Hart (center) with Liz (left) and 
daughter (right) 

Yesterday was one of those rare days when I needed to get out in the world and do several errands with my wife Liz.

The errands revolved around going to two of her doctor’s visits she had in one day. That means playing the eye game in waiting rooms for me because I always want to see if anyone is paying attention to the only transgender woman in the room. I am happy to say no one did and I went on with my life.

Since I was only going to waiting rooms, there was no reason to do anything else but dress casually and cool since our temperatures were supposed to reach near the one-hundred-degree mark (F) for the day. So, I chose my lightweight new “The Ohio State Buckeyes” shirt and a pair of leggings for the day since the “Buckeyes” first game is coming up later tomorrow. Also to try to stay cool, I pulled my very long hair back and went with a light foundation and lip gloss.

One way or another no one in waiting room number one paid me any attention as I played a quick “eye-tag” game with them to again see if there was any recognition of me as anything out of the normal.

It was not so long ago that I would have been paranoid about even going at all, but I am happy to say all the old fears are past me now. It is certainly no fun waiting for my wife Liz in a doctor’s office but it is something we do for each other when we can and I need her help when I need to go to the downtown Cincinnati Veterans Administration hospital for an appointment because it always involves a lot of walking which I need help with. It is a great tradeoff for me.

In the second waiting room, ironically, it was my Ohio State shirt which got me into a conversation with a woman who was older than even me. She noticed my shirt and asked if I had any grandchildren who attended school there and I said one graduated and one had just started a year ago. She responded that she had one of her grandchildren who had attended OSU a couple years ago and was a physicist now and I told her my oldest was a nuclear engineer as a civilian for the Navy in Maine and they seem to like it. The conversation was pleasant and made the time go so much faster as she waited for her husband to get through in the bathroom and left before Liz returned.

Speaking of kids, today is my daughter’s fiftieth birthday and I would like to send out my wishes to her as she climbs a mountain somewhere in Maine. All I know about it is, it is on the end of the Appalachian trail. I am so proud of her and my son-in-law for raising such a diverse and successful family which includes one transgender child who is in Maine. She has always been one of my biggest supporters.

It is always good to get out in the world and be accepted as a transgender woman Making myself available to do so has sometimes been a difficult task to take on, but I was fortunate enough to find ways to do it.

I am not sure that there is ever an easy path to living a transgender life and a trans woman or trans man. Genders are so ingrained in us from birth that they are so difficult to change. We get to a point where we try to internalize our truths. Making them an even bigger burden to take on. Now, just being able to interact with another woman on an equal basis means so much to me and takes back to the days when I was just learning to do it. Then, as in now, the secret to doing it was having the confidence to do it. Which for me, was never an easy thing to do because I was always so shy to start with. It seemed to me that once I built my frail confidence to a point where I could enjoy it, something would come along and destroy all my work. Really, it was not until I brought what was left of my of my old male building blocks into my life’s equation, did I begin to see true improvement.

Among other things, he taught me how to stand my ground as a trans woman during the difficult times. Deep down I was learning the life choices I was making were the correct ones.

Which takes me full circle into being relaxed as a transfeminine me in a room full of people yesterday and being able freely being able to talk to a ciswoman about family in another waiting room. I was able to learn the right way to do it from all the girls’ nights out I was invited to where the main topic was not work but was family.

On the other hand, part of me is like our old family cat as he seems to never be totally relaxed. Even when I am in the middle of a conversation like I was yesterday, I was still closely observing the ciswoman I was talking to see if she had any spark of knowledge that I was a transwoman. Perhaps my life experiences will make it impossible for all my paranoia to totally go away.

Best yet, both appointments came back good for Liz’ health, which was a great relief.

In the meantime, again Happy Birthday to my daughter who has been so supportive of me over the years and I hope those of you who are just finding your way long your gender path, I hope all goes well for you and thank you for reading!

 

 

It Was Exhausting Waiting for the World

Dustin Hoffman in "Tootsie"

 Over the years, it was exhausting for me waiting for the world to catch up to me.

As I always mention, I was born into the pre-internet and social media years when information about any gender issues was difficult to find. I am old enough to remember the sensationalized reports on television in Dayton, Ohio when the police staged raids on “homosexual” venues and I saw them arrest men dressed as women.

In addition to the negative publicity I was watching, I knew from my limited research from books at the library, that cross-dressing was considered to be a mental illness which I did not feel was true with me. I was not mentally ill, I just wanted to be a girl, and it was simple as that. All it did was put extra pressure on me to never be discovered by my family or my brother in the feminine clothes I had found.

I felt so all alone as a “transvestite” as we were known back in those days until my second wife and I purchased our first home computer. Which opened a whole new world to me including a way to contact others with gender issues such as me. Before that, all I had were the “Transvestia” Magazines I subscribed to and the “Tri-Ess” social mixers I drove hours to get to. I could not believe the world was suddenly at my finger tips when it came to discovering others outside of the “Tri-Ess” community.

All went well, until my second wife caught me in one of the old “AOL” chatrooms having a private conversation with another cross-dresser in a nearby city. I needed to learn quickly on how to cover my internet tracks better if I was ever going to stay out of trouble. The world was not catching up to me as I was catching up to it through the power of the internet. Then 1982 rolled around along with the classic gender movie of all time, “Tootsie” with Dustin Hoffman in the lead role as an actor who lands a soap opera job playing a woman with life changing experiences. For once, there was a film which did not portray a man in a dress as a criminal up to no good and I could not wait to see the film.

With the resultant good publicity which came from “Tootsie” I thought that maybe the puritanical gender ideas of the country would have changed and the public somehow would be more receptive to cross-dressers and transgender folk forever. Of course, I was being naive and over time, the public shifted back to the same old place it had always been…not accepting to people with gender issues like me.

Sadly, I had to go back to carving my own path as a novice transgender woman on my own without the publicity of a movie to help me, including the daytime talk shows which were the new television craze. It seemed to me that every week, one of them featured something about a cross-dresser on their show. In all fairness, some productions such as “Phil Donahoe” tried to present a fair view of our culture while the “Jerry Springers” of the tube just sought to sensationalize us. So, once again, the world had not caught up to me at all and did not help me when I needed to carve out my own life for a change in the world. I did not want another ciswoman thinking she was talking to a future “Jerry Springer” person, and I was real and down to earth. I was just trying to live a normal down-to-earth life like she was.

By this time, I had given up on the world ever catching up with the complex lives that transgender women and transgender men lead. It is why unless you are a very open person and secure in your world, you will never understand where we are coming from. That is fine, you do not have to understand, just do not try to stand in our way as we try to live.

Now I worry that all the fragile transgender rights we had gained under recent presidential administrations in Washington will be erased to an extent it will take decades to ever get them back. Then, I will have lived long enough to go from the “Tootsie” era of understanding to the “Orange Clown’s” world of rejection of our right to even exist. An experience I never wanted to have, and it is even worse here in my native Ohio where the state recently revoked their gender change requirements for driver licenses. So as they used to say back in the day on Top 40 radio stations the hits just keep on a coming.

Every once in a while, I hear rumblings from the regime in Washington trying to do away with my gender care through the Veterans Administration. So far (knock on wood) I have been part of the program for so long, and it is tied to my depression issues I have flown beneath the radar, and I hope others can too.

As a tribe, transgender folk have always existed through time, and if you are just realizing your potential as a trans person, welcome to a scary yet exciting world where you can be yourself. At least you can fall back on the resources you can find on the internet to help you and bring a little light into your dark closet you have been in for so long. Just remember not to let the brightness of your new day blind you to your new reality.

In the meantime, the world has caught up to you in your own way. Enjoy it because you have endured so much to get here.

Thanks so much for joining me in my lifetime of gender trials and tribulations! I set out to help anyone I could, and I hope that is you! All comments are welcome.

Exorcising my Demons

 

Peaches Grille, Yellow Springs, Ohio.

Yesterday I went back to my hometown to pick up copies of court paperwork I needed on my name change so long ago.

By so long ago, I mean I finally had to sit in front of a judge who I knew to be very conservative to get my final name change signature. It was one super Christmas present as it all happened December 23, 2015. Even “Mr. Conservative Judge” himself said Merry Christmas when he signed my long overdue paperwork. As I remember now, I had many hoops to jump through such as posting a notice in the local newspaper and waiting for thirty days to see if anyone would object to the change. Then I needed to petition the court for the actual name change. My future wife Liz was with me when all of this happened, and we were on cloud nine when we received the final documents.

The only mistake I made was not getting enough court copies of my change due to poor planning and I ran out. So, the only thing I could do was make the hour and a half trip back to the court clerk for more certified copies that I needed to change one of my insurance policies names over from my old name to my new name. My only advice to those of you who are going through the legal name change process is to plan ahead and get plenty of copies and then get more.

By now you may be asking which of my demons did I exorcise. The first major demon was not having to see mail from my insurance company showing up with my previous male name on it and knowing it was not their fault but mine because I did not do anything about it. The second demon was even going back to my hometown (where I was born and raised) at all. It is an old industrial town which has had its heart ripped out a couple times by companies downsizing or even moving overseas. Setting all of that aside, I remember the rejection I received there from certain friends and family members when they discovered my deep, dark “gender secret”. It seems each rejection was burned into my soul.

So much so that I could not sleep the night before Liz and I went back to the city that I think never forgot about me. Even though that is a self-centered idea because it has in almost every way possible. My ex-brother still lives there who I am separated from and is another good reason to dread going back. To take the pressure off a little bit, I tried to meet up with my daughter and son-in-law in nearby Yellow Springs, Ohio which has always been a real treat to go to and has been referred to as the gayest town in Ohio.

My daughter could not be there because they were going to Maine to see my oldest grandchild who works up there as a nuclear engineer. Liz and I’s disappointment in not seeing daughter and son-in-law was short-lived because Yellow Springs was all decked out in its Pride finest as it was all going to happen the next day. We ended up stopping for lunch at a place called “Peaches Grill” for a great light lunch before we resumed our trip. “Peaches” was promoting their after-Pride party and was all decorated out in preparation. It was also the venue where I ended setting next to a “Debra Winger” look-a-like complete with the black “Urban Cowboy” movie cowgirl hat. It was a fun evening and no, she did not ask for my autograph (ha-ha). All in all, Yellow Springs is the direct opposite of my hometown which is only ten miles away.

Now, since I think I have all the papers I will need for any future demands put on me to vote by the Republicans, I am not envisioning any need to go back to my hometown since years ago now, I even sold the two properties I had left there. I don’t know why I have such a deep-seated fear of reliving all the bad moments that I had, I suppose it is just the vestiges of the life I had coming out into the world coming back to haunt me. And it speaks to the amount of suffering a transgender woman or transgender man can go through just to live their lives the way they need to.

I know too that I am one of the fortunate trans people who can get around freely in public since I present as just old now and can get by with my wife’s Liz help. I just have my age-old demons to harass me like I just went through. I dislike my old hometown so much, I even don’t want to mention it by name, but it is the one that the orange Russian in the White House keeps mentioning again when it comes to deporting the Haitians. I will let you fill in the blanks from there.

All in all, my demons are tough critters and the only survivors which still exist from my old male days. They play into my anxiety issues of always worrying ahead for seemingly any occasion. But as always, my feminine side has stood the test of time and has been successful in exorcising my demons. I guess you can say she has always had my back when the times were the darkest in the days when I was visiting Yellow Springs as a short-haired Army soldier when I desperately wanted to be one of the long-haired hippie girls I saw in their bell-bottom pants. It took me awhile, but I exorcised that demon who kept telling me I would never make it.

Most importantly we made the trip safely, even with a police detour set up on a rural highway for what looked like a potential swat situation as well as heavily pouring rain which hit us on and off. We made it past the demons and that is the important part.

 

 

 

Staying Calm as a Trans Person

 

Image from Matteo Vistocco
on UnSplash.

Many times, during our lives as transgender women and transgender men, staying calm in the face of adversity is not easy.

Perhaps the worst time I had staying calm ever in my life came fairly early on when I encountered a hostile, aggressive woman in a rest room I was simply using to pee. It all happened by accident when I was looking at the door of the women’s room at a venue where I normally had no problems, so I could judge when the room would be empty and safer to use. I had judged correctly, and the room was empty when I entered it and I had my choice of stalls. As I finished the business I came for, I left the stall and started to wash my hands when this woman burst through the door and started calling me a pervert, My first reaction was shock because I had never had any problems before from the staff when I used the woman’s room in that venue. Then, I became angry that this woman who was a total stranger to me was calling me a pervert.

My mind was turning quickly as I fought to stay calm and say something to the angry woman who was completely out of control and fortunately, she gave me the insight to do it. Somehow, in our brief conversation, I got out of her what she did for a living, and she said she owned her own beauty parlor. When she did, I asked her for a card so I could report her business to the very strong and influential LGBTQ organization in town during those days. I never got her card as she turned around and stomped out of the restroom, and I only saw her one more time walking past me in the venue. I glared at her as she refused to even make eye contact with me. So, at that moment staying calm (no matter how hard it was) worked for me.

It is my opinion that the ability to stay calm mainly comes from having confidence in yourself. Normally from years of interaction with the public as your authentic transfeminine self. Like anything else, confidence is very fragile and can be destroyed at any time as you advance up your gender path. You might think you have done the best makeup job ever and was able to find a comfortable outfit which really flattered you, only to find out it did not and you needed to go back home and try again to reset your confidence. There would have been no way early in my life that I could have ever survived the bus tour vacations that my wife Liz took me on where I needed to interact with many different ciswomen on the trip and get along with them in all the restrooms we encountered.

After I enhanced my feminine appearance and attitude with the HRT or gender affirming hormones I was approved for, I discovered a new calmness I had never known before in my life. Which probably came from the hormones themselves, and the fact I was no longer battling being something I just wasn’t. I had achieved all the male accolades and benefits I had ever dreamed of but then did not want them. And I was surprisingly calm when they all went away, never to return again.

Another big surprise was how calm I stayed when I was making more gender transitions in my life into my own form of transgender womanhood. I negotiated all the phases such as being terrified on occasion when I tried out new venues, all the way to when I was making several unexpected transitions, I did not see coming. Even though, I knew what was coming if I was able to survive or even be successful when I went out for the first time at “Fridays” to mingle with ciswomen just getting off of work at a nearby mall, I knew I could never go back to believing I was some sort of a weekend cross-dresser who wore women’s clothes as a hobby. It all was an extreme revelation to me, and I had a very difficult time staying calm through my whole adventure.

On the other hand, staying calm was much more difficult when it came to how fast I was being accepted in my desire to carve out my own transfeminine life. The public was accepting me way too fast and challenged my life and communication skills that I was always putting off. All my procrastination did me no good as the world came crashing in around me and I needed to do things such as feminine vocal lessons to catch up. Thankfully, the world gave me the chance to catch up and again I return to the new calmness I was feeling. These were the days when I was learning almost daily what I would need to do to survive as a trans woman in a sometimes-hostile world. Obviously, I did not want to be called a pervert again for simply wanting to pee. Perhaps I paid my dues, because nothing remotely coming close to that ever happened to me again.

Perhaps also, I am not giving the impact of the HRT hormones enough credit. Even with the minimum dosage I began with, I could feel substantial changes in how I viewed the world. The hormones simply took my male edge off and mellowed me right out like I had always been destined to take them.

Over the years, I have learned to try to separate the always present anxiety I feel about everyday life from the new calmness I have developed over the years. Which in turn has helped my fragile mental health. Which has been quite an accomplishment. Hopefully wherever you live, the anti-transgender pendulum has begun to swing back the other way for you. Even here in Republican led backwards Ohio where I am from, the leading anti-trans bigot in the legislature has his own problems after news surfaced of him being in bed with an underaged girl. Sounds familiar. Right?

Maybe the future is not so dim after all since the world is waking up to the fact that the transgender population is not the problem after all and the rest of the population needs to stay calm around us.

 

 

 

 

 

Are We Having Fun Yet?

 

Image from Katie Treadway
on UnSplash.

Having fun as a transgender woman or transgender man can be difficult to define. First, let’s define fun as something that provides mirth and amusement. Which comes from “Dictionary.com.”

In my case, I cannot remember finding much “mirth and amusement” when I was cross dressing as much as I could to present as an attractive girl. All I can remember was that I was experiencing deep satisfaction when I thought I had succeeded. As I began to search for a better term, I went back to the “Dictionary.Com” to look up the definition of happy. Because happy is how I felt when I thought I had succeeded into transforming myself into a pretty girl. I was right when the definition of happy was “delighted, pleased or glad” when something was accomplished. It fit me totally because it worked in all aspects of what I was trying to do. Actually, it was all three of the delighted, pleased or glad definitions which fit me exactly.

The problem I was having was getting to the point where I could be happy about trying to cross the gender border. I severely struggled to find the fine line where I could disguise my broad shoulders and narrow hips of my testosterone poisoned body. I certainly was not happy or having any fun when I was brutally laughed at by the way I was trying to present myself as a woman in the world. As I always point out, back then teenaged girls were the biggest test I faced when I went to the malls and they seemed to be attracted to me like magnets, for all the wrong reasons. It took me a while to realize I was trying to dress like teenagers, which brought me completely undo attention. There was no way I could be happy.

What I also did not understand was that fun or being happy was a fleeting thing for me. Sort of what had you have done for me recently, type of thinking which I was very used to from how I was raised. For the most part, I was never allowed to be happy, so I did not miss it at all. I also say for the most part because slowly I began to discover I could feel happy when I was cross-dressing as a man into my true feminine self. When I was able to find the proper clothes, shoes and wigs which helped me with my appearance with my makeup, I could relax and enjoy a new world I had only dreamed of.  Fun became to me when I could escape the male world, I was forced to spend so much time in and explore all the new facets of being a confident transfeminine person. It made me happy to discover who I really was destined to be in life.

As I headed past the fun and happy part of discovering myself as a transgender woman, I needed to mention the satisfaction I felt when I had reached the point where my diet had kicked in and I could buy more stylish clothes in my own size for the first time ever in my life. I was ecstatic in my pre-hormonal HRT days when a cross-dresser friend of mine purged his feminine belongings and gifted me a set of silicone breast forms that I needed to run out and size just the right bra for.

Those were the early days of my explorations in Columbus, Ohio when I could attend very diverse by invitation only parties where I could see everyone from lesbians to transgender women considering gender realignment surgeries so I could have a idea of how I might want to live my life in the future. Almost every party I went to was to be a fun learning experience, and I could not wait for the next one. At the same time, I was thinking if I was having this much fun, how could it be wrong to have it.

The only negative I experienced was the night I was cornered in a narrow hallway by a huge admirer of crossdressers and almost learned the hard way about what ciswomen learn at an early age. To not put yourself in compromising positions with men which could possibly overpower you and get yourself into deep trouble. I was lucky that my wife came along to bail me out of the situation I unknowingly put myself into.  It was no fun hearing her, I told you so’s all the way home. Mainly because she did not approve of what I was wearing.

As my life progressed towards the ultimate goal of leading a fulltime life as a transgender woman, unfortunately, my wife stood right in my way of progressing.  Which meant I needed to cheat on her with another woman which was me. Every time I slipped out of the house in my heels, jeans or boots, I normally had a good time as I was finally having fun as a trans woman and did not want to ever give it up,  I had gone too far to ever look back to an old male life I never had a choice on living to start with. Like it or not, my life had put me on a collision course of having to decide what I was going to do about my marriage. The course was disrupted when my wife unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack leaving me tragically alone after twenty-five years of marriage.

Most certainly, those days of my life were no fun, and not filled with happiness. On the other hand, they were filled with uncertainty and loneliness until I could find my way home again. Thanks in no small part to my inner feminine self who took over my life and others such as my daughter and future wife Liz. Who helped to pull me from my major pity party. When that happened, life became fun again as I was able to lead a life in the feminine world I always wanted to be part of.

 

 

                               

 

 

The Return Home

 

JJ Hart, on a chilly
Florida beach night.

The return home from a rather lengthy vacation always presents a bittersweet time for me. While the trip to Florida went well and for the most part exceeded my expectations, our return to our home in Cincinnati and to our very lonesome cat was welcome. Similar to being able to sleep in our own bed again.

During this trip we played hide and seek with several major weather systems. In order to stay ahead of the foot of snow, which was heading for our native Ohio, the bus tour company decided to leave a day early and take a different route South to Florida. It proved to be a masterpiece of planning because we faced just a tiny piece of snowy weather around Knoxville, Tennessee and none of the dreaded ice. Which went Southeast of us.

By nature, I have become a worrier in my old age, so on top of thinking about all of the weather issues we would be facing, I had to put the restroom anxiety I always feel in the back of my mind. Which was a good thing because outside of a few startled looks I received from other women on the tour, I had no problems with my choice of restrooms I used. In fact, the biggest issue I faced was trying to wait for a handicapped accessible stall to use which really helped me with my mobility issues, I was able to not use my cane at all and rely heavily on my walker with wheels.

Past the restroom issue, I had to adjust to using my most feminine voice again. An issue because I don’t have to think about it as much around home because I don’t interact with strangers much. Day one proved to be more challenging on my part because I was so shy with the others on the tour, and I was afraid I was coming off as unfriendly or bitchy. I was fortunate in that we had two experienced tour guides who helped me find handicapped accessible ramps and restrooms.

As past trips and experiences have taught me, when I take the first step with a smile and friendliness on my part, most people respond the same way. So, by the time the tour of Florida was over, several of the other travelers made it a point to tell me how nice it was to meet me. I couldn't believe how good it made me feel. It was enough to warm me up even in the record Florida cold spell they were suffering through.  It was so cold and windy for them that they canceled one of the Everglades boat tours we were on. It all worked out for the better for Liz and I because we got extra time to explore the beach which is why we went in the first place. Plus, the leisure time helped me to recover from all the days we spent which required lots of walking. In fact, one day when we went to the Hollywood Beach area of Florida, we ended up walking over seven thousand steps, well over what I was used to.

Overall, I had a very good time on this trip even though it was to a part of the country I don’t agree with as far as politics are concerned. But my native Ohio is rapidly trying to become just as backwards as far as transgender rights are considered.

What did I wear? The whole trip was casual themed and all I took along was my best leggings and jeans, along with a solid pair of tennis shoes for walking. Other than that, I wore sweatshirts. With a daily shave and a liberal dose of my favorite foundation powder. I was ready to go for another day of cold Florida.

As I said, we made it home safely and had a good enough time that my wife Liz is planning the next trip which may include something to do with train travel. Plus, I will be writing more about other in-depth events on the trip.

My Gender Timing was Everything

 

Image from Danny G
on UnSplash. 

For me, timing was everything when it came to completing my male to female gender transition. Plus, there was no way possible to think I would take nearly a half of century to do it.

The problem was, I never considered the extra layers of a ciswoman’s life rather than what a man had to go through to live. Just having to put up with a man in a relationship would have been enough for me to drive me into a lesbian relationship. Although I never really understood why more men don’t want to accept trans women because we understand so much about the way they think because after all, we had to live as a man for a while. But that is a long, drawn-out story to be saved for another time.

In many ways, timing comes down to everything when you decide to jump out of your closet and enter the world. Just a few things to consider are what would happen to you if you were out as your authentic feminine self and ran into someone you know. It happened to me one time long ago when I was married to my second wife. I was happily following my shopping routines in the small Ohio town we lived in when I parked in a parking lot, slid out of my car and right into the on-coming face of my wife’s boss. As I panicked and headed the other way as fast as I could, all I could hope for was he did not recognize me in my wig, makeup, mini skirt and matching leotard top. Fortunately, as I got a quick glimpse of his face, he showed no reaction to me at all.

I thought the experience was behind me until a week or so later, we were invited to a party at their house. At the party, her boss casually brought up how he had seen this big woman at a big box store he was shopping at the other day.  As I ignored the comment the best I could, I saw my wife suddenly glaring at me from across the room, and I knew what she was thinking. It was me; her boss saw that day. It took me a long time to live that one down because I was never supposed to leave the house as a trans woman unless I was somehow supervised.

Timing kept me living on the edge with my job too. What if my “hobby” of being a cross dresser was discovered? I knew I would not be able to function the way my male self-had all his life. I was stuck between the rock and the hard place on several personal fronts. I was becoming increasingly dependent on my lessons I was teaching myself as a woman and keeping my personal life together. All I could do was keep on working towards my dream of living as a transfeminine person. As I progressed along my often-rocky gender path, all I could do was look for a quick exit. But I found out, exits were as rare as on a long-deserted interstate highway.

It was not until I reached my mid-fifties, did I begin to see the faint out-lines of a possible gender exit ahead for me. All I needed to do was time my male exit correctly so I could cover the main living basics such as spousal support (or nonsupport), a job to support name changes, all the way to all the identification forms I would need such as a new driver’s license. For me, the name change was the most challenging because I needed to go before a very conservative judge I even knew before as a man. Surprisingly, he just smiled and approved my paperwork and name change and the rest was basically easy. So timing on that exit went smoothly with no roadblocks.

Other exits were not so forgiving for me. Such as what was I going to do about a job at that time. I had just closed my restaurant and was essentially broke, and I needed to find a job fairly quickly to support myself. I guess timing was everything and I took an easy exit into a job that I hated. I took the job anyway and managed to keep it for the couple of years I needed to work to claim my early retirement and keep myself afloat by selling vintage collections that my deceased wife and I had put together over the years. During this time of my life, there were other main detours which were difficult to navigate.

That was when my current wife Liz stepped in along with a huge push from destiny to erase any doubts in my mind that I was making the right decisions. I can not forget to mention this was also the time when I was able to begin HRT or gender affirming hormones and take another smooth exit away from my old male life. Putting him in my rearview mirror was the best move I had ever made in my life. I had a new me to go with my new name, and I was ready to go by the time I hit the age of sixty-two. I did not even have to revisit another job exit and just totally retired and moved in with Liz. Where I still am nearly a decade later.

Timing was everything for me, and even though it took me longer than I ever expected to reach my dream, the trip was worth it and I managed to even stay on a very rocky gender road full of roadblocks without wrecking.

 

 

 

A Musical Interlude

 

AFTN Image. I am on the left and Dave
Mallett is on the right taking a break, Circa 1972. 

I have mentioned many times that I started my working career as a radio DJ on local AM “Top40” stations all the way to entertaining the military on American Radio and Television stations in Thailand and Germany.

During that time, I developed a great attachment to various forms of music including the blues which I suffered from at the time from untreated Bi-Polar depression. Then I began to feel the music deeper than ever before and it helped me to overcome the deep issues I had from my gender dysphoria.

Ironically, out of the clear blue sky yesterday, I heard one of those songs which had affected me so deeply. Actually, I saw “Rascal Flatts” perform their remake of “Life is a Highway” by “Tom Cochrane” on a New Years Eve show I was watching this year.  When I did, the memories from the late 1970’s/early 80’s came flooding back to me when I heard these lyrics for the first time:

“Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I want to drive it all night long”

I was in Columbus, Ohio finishing up yet another exciting evening of partying with friends at a small diverse cross-dresser-transgender mixer I was at. When I heard the song, it was one of those magic moments when I had the lights of the Columbus skyline in my rearview mirror and nothing but open road ahead to collect my thoughts about the evening. It seemed all my senses were at their highest possible point as I savored the summer evening and for once did not think of everything which would come up in the future when I crashed back into my unwanted male life. All I knew was I wanted to drive the transgender highway I was on all night long and never lose the feelings I was experiencing. With lyrics such as this:

“Life's like a road that you travel on
Where there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore”

I really wanted to ride to the distant shore but was not certain how I was going to get there. So, I relied on music to dull the gender pain I felt daily except when I was stepping out to feel what a feminine lifestyle would mean for me.

Yet another song which reflects so deeply what I was feeling is the classic “Nights in White Satin” by the “Moody Blues”. Again, here are a couple of brief excerpts from the song if you have never heard it:

“Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I've written, never meaning to send
Beauty I've always missed, with these eyes before
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore”

Most certainly, I was at the point where I could not say what the truth was about my gender at that time. I was at my peak of being non-committal about where I wanted to go in my life. Should I sell it all off for what I could get as a man and start all over again as a transgender woman was my dilemma. Was I missing the beauty with my eyes before. And here was the hardest part, spelled out for me so well by the “Moody Blues”:

“Gazing at people some hand in hand
Just what I'm going through they can't understand
Some try to tell me thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to be you will be in the end”

That was the hard part. Did I want to be a transfeminine person, pay the dues and achieve my goals in the end. It turned out I did achieve my dream later in life when I could not take living as a man any longer, so what I wanted to be, I was in the end. And what about those people who tried to me their thoughts they cannot defend? They were so difficult sometimes to overcome.

I am sure, with the amount of music which has been produced over the years, you have music which profoundly speaks to you and your gender issues too. Sometimes I feel. Since we transgender women and trans men go through such profound changes in our lives, we may feel the music deeper than our non-trans counterparts.

In the meantime, we are stuck on Cochranes highway. Riding it all day as well as all night long.

 

Transgender Game Changers

 

Image from Andre Fonseca
on UnSplash.

One of the positives to being able to live a long life is to be able to look back on all the key moments in my life when a decision one way or another could have made a huge difference in my life.

Perhaps the biggest moment was when I discovered the enchantment of looking at the pretty girl in the mirror where my boy self was just standing. Sadly, the moments were fleeting as my life was calling me.

As I grew up and my life became more complex, so did my dealings with my transgender issues. One of the most important lessons I learned came early when my second wife and I encountered a handsome Harley motorcycle rider at a tavern we were at one day in Cleveland, Ohio waiting for a transvestite mixer we were going to, to start. I was very new  to being out in the world as a cross dresser and was completely surprised at my reactions when this guy came into the bar and started flirting with my wife. Then, I was even more concerned about my wife when she started to flirt back, completely ignoring me. What was I going to do since I was stripped of all my male reflexes of what to do when another man was flirting with my wife. I had to just sit there and be quiet and hope she did not go for a ride on the Harley with the man. Of course, my wife sensed my concern but let the situation play itself out to teach me a lesson in feminine competition. One I never forgot.

Another evening, I never forgot and could have been a bigger game changer than it was, was the night I had my makeup done by a professional makeup artist in Columbus, Ohio at another transvestite-transgender mixer I was attending. After the makeover, I was stunned at all the positive changes the artist made for me. I was flattered with all the compliments I was receiving and decided I did not want the evening to end early. I wanted to join the so called “A” listers who always went out on the town and show off my new look. Plus, for some reason, my wife decided not to go to this mixer, so I was free and on my own. We ended the evening at another tavern which I could not tell was LGBTQ friendly or not but one way or another I bought a beer and headed for one of the unoccupied pinball machines. When I did, amazingly I was approached by a younger good-looking man who wanted me to stay and play pinball with him. By this time, the rest of the “A” girls were ready to leave, and I needed to make a split-second decision on if to stay or go. Since I had no idea if the man knew my true gender or not, and I was in a strange city, I decided to go with the “A”’s who were jealous of me because I was approached by a man and they were not.

I never knew what would have happened if I had stayed and would the evening change my life forever, which also happened the night I went on a date with Bob. By this time, my wife had passed away, and I had not met Liz yet (my future wife) so I was free to explore my own boundaries. Bob was not from my area of the country and on occasion passed through the Dayton, Ohio area on business where I lived. On one of those nights, I knew he wanted to meet me in person at one of the venues I was a regular at. I had never partied with a man at a sports bar before, so I did not know what to expect. What I did not expect was the great time I had. It was the first time in my life that I had been treated completely as a woman, and I loved it. It was even a karaoke night, and he sang for me. And yes, Bob did know I was transgender. We shared a rather passionate kiss together and the night was over. Never to be repeated again.

There were other trans game changers such as girl’s nights outs and the conversations I shared with a man who I thought I could have gone farther with if he had stayed around. The “what if’s” remain big questions for me as I grow older, and I know you can’t have it all. In many ways I crammed a lot of life into my years which I am grateful for.

I should not be selfish though because I have been blessed during my life with people who have loved me, and I did my best to love back in return. Sadly, my gender issues were in my way through most of them and if I had faced reality, I could have been a better transfeminine person. Which is a topic for another blog post altogether.