Transitioning Was Nothing but a Circle

 Over the years, I was able to go through several major transitions other than the obvious ones. 

Similar to many of you, I started by going through my mom’s clothes looking for the rare ones I could wear. Then I extended my explorations into her makeup and used her electric razor to shave the unwanted hair off of my legs. I did not know it then, but all my work to be feminine was just the start of a lifetime full of change. At that time, I thought that my change would be limited to the clothes and makeup until a little thought kept sneaking in that I was still missing something in my life. Finally, I discovered the missing link was the fact I wanted to do more than look like the girl, I wanted to be the girl. 

Since I was in complete denial from the world around me, I needed to work hard to hide my feminine supplies I had worked so hard to accumulate. My newspaper route with the pittance I received as an allowance did not go too far when I had the courage to sneak out and buy my own panty hose and makeup. Just by starting to buy my own feminine articles was some sort of a transition because it was the first time I was able to stand up and support myself as a feminine person. No matter how much courage it took me to do it. Plus when I ran my own hose, it was on me to replace them.

As I grew up, life became more complicated along with my gender dysphoria which had grown from a simple look in the mirror in the morning to a full-fledged urge to do more with my cross-dressing urges. Sooner than later, the urge to break out of my dark lonely gender closet would overcome me and I would have to address my needs to be a woman in the world. I was very naive and did not have a complete idea of what that meant but my voice was telling me it was time to try for the next transition in my life. 

Before I tried, I needed to take stock of what I had to work with and have some sort of an idea of where I was going to try to go. At first, I threw caution to the wind and started to just park my car near closed shops in a shopping center where I lived. Which turned out to be no challenge at all. Then I stepped up my cross-dressing game and decided I would go to one of the nearby major indoor malls around me and see if I could make it as a novice. The answer was a resounding no and I was sent back home several times in tears after being laughed at. I would have to work harder to make my new transition work or give it up all together. 

By this time in my life, I was tired of giving up on the things in life I really wanted, so I was in no mood to give up my biggest dream of all which was living a life as a transfeminine person. Even though I had such a long way to go to get there. I never counted on so many transitions which were both physical and mental. The external feminine person I was building had to be the best I could do and then combine my image with my mental strength that was telling me I was doing the right thing. On occasion too, the transition was all mental when all of a sudden I began to think of myself as more of a woman of my own making than a serious cross-dresser at all. At that point, I began to relax and enjoy my time around ciswomen more as an insider and not as a cis man looking to join the girls’ club. 

As all of this was happening, on my own personal homefront gender war was breaking out. As what was left of my male self and my second wife were fighting me over transitioning any farther into my dream world. At the same time I was dreaming of changing my legal gender markers to female from the hated male and starting HRT gender affirming hormones, my wife and male self stepped up their war against me. In a tragic and unexpected way, I won the battle when my second wife unexpectedly passed away from a massive heart attack, leaving me all alone to do what I wanted. 

It turned out, all the groundwork I had set up on all the previous transitions I had gone through came back to help me. My Veterans Administration therapist came through with all the paperwork I needed to start the ball rolling for me to change my legal name to a more proper one which came from generational family names rather than feminine idols I had encountered in the past. Then I used my new name to get a new driver's license back then in Ohio which is not allowed today. Thanks to backwards Republican lawmakers which leads me to being able to change my birth certificate which is nearly impossible to do. For the same reason. 

Perhaps, most importantly, I was able to accomplish all of this at the same time my social life was picking up as a transgender woman. I was able to establish myself as a regular in straight bars outside of the gay venues I used to go to where I was treated as just another drag queen. It all worked together to provide me with another major transition in my life. A chance to live as I always should have been. 

Ironically, all these changes and transitions I went through just took me back to me and made me have regrets about the process I should not have had. I did not ask to be born into the restrictive male box I was born into and needed to quit being a victim to eventually get myself out of it. I feel good.

Thanks for reading along with my trip back to being myself! Comments are always appreciated.

JJ Hart on my way. 

Long Labor Day Weekend

 

Image from Anna Storsul
on UnSplash

Labor Day weekend is upon us in the United States which gives us an opportunity to take an extra day off and think about what got us here and how close we are coming to losing it.

Even though I have never been in a union myself, I am an amateur historian and know what unions did to transform this country. All you need to do is some basic research on how bad working conditions were in the steel industry as well as coal mining and elsewhere to see what unions brought about. So, on Labor Day, I salute them.

Elsewhere, the weekend this year features some beautiful weather with sunny blue skies and very low humidity for a change around here in the Ohio River Valley (Cincinnati.) Of course, the early fall like conditions won’t last forever and soon we will be back into summer’s last call. In a couple of weeks, my wife Liz and I will be headed for the East Coast, Boston, Maine and more so I am hoping for the reasonably good weather to hang around until then.

By now, you may be asking what does any of this have to do with being transgender? The answer is it has everything to do with being myself as a transfeminine person. Since this marks our fifth bus tour over the years of hanging out with other cisgender women waiting for my chance to use the bathroom, I still have lingering paranoia with using women’s rooms which goes back to my earliest days of cross dressing in public. Even though I have not had any problems in the past with anyone else, I still have the idea it only takes one bigot on the bus to ruin my trip. At least, this time we are traveling through more liberal blue states, so I won’t have that to worry about. As I said, my lingering fear is subsiding, so I can concentrate on having a good time and seeing the sights of New England. The last trip we were on a woman asked if Liz and I were sisters, so you cannot get more validation than that.

Closer to home before we leave, tonight we are going to dinner at our favorite restaurant with her son. It is another venue I have rarely ever been misgendered in and have never had any serious problems. It always feels good to just exist and enjoy myself since I worked so long and hard to get here as a transgender woman. The more I can fly under the gender radar in today’s world, the better I feel.

Before we go, I will have to shave closely, apply moisturizer, powder and lipstick before I change out of my The Ohio State sweatshirt and into a frilly feminine top and brush out my hair. All of which are still fun for me to do. Not just something I have to do to present better in the world.

Finishing out the day, it will be time to head home and watch the end of summer Cincinnati fireworks display. The display is always huge and attracts nearly a million people on both sides of the Ohio River. Back in the day, when I was younger and another person, I used to come down every year for the Booms. But age and mobility have caught up to me, taken their toll, and we just watch them on television now. Then let the out-of-control neighborhood idiots set their fireworks off and scare the animals and any near veterans with combat PTSD. Out of the two cats Liz and I have; one hates any sort of loud noise.

As with many other holidays, Labor Day presents yet another milestone in my transgender life. I can remember quite vividly when I used alcohol on holidays to dull the pain of not having the chance to spend them as my feminine self. I was fortunate to have escaped my closet and the control alcohol had on me before it was too late. It turned out it was all in front of me all along if and when I had the courage to reach out and seize my opportunity to transition and just be me.

I guess you could say, I needed to labor to do it, but it was worth the effort. When we toast ourselves tonight with our Margaritas, I will propose a toast to all the work we three have put into to where we are today. And, to all of you, no matter where you are today, have a chance to pause and celebrate the gender journey you are on, or have yet to do. Buckle up! It is one hell of a ride. 

Trans Girl in the World

Downtown Cincinnati archive
image. Ohio River in the
background.

Recently, the day came when my wife Liz and I were able to get out of the house and run a few important errands. Of course it was also a rare chance to see and be seen in the public's eye. 

The first thing which had to happen was to decide what I was going to wear. Since we were not going anywhere fancy, I did not have to over do it. We were just going to the county treasurer's office to pay our taxes and make a possible coffee shop stop, so I felt my leggings and lightweight lacy top would do, along with tennis shoes in case we needed to walk any distance. The treasurer's office was downtown.   

Since we were trying to beat the rush, we decided to try to get an early start, so I needed to be up early (for me) so I could apply a light coat of makeup and brush then tie back my hair which is due for it's summer trim. Once we arrived at the treasurer's office, we were lucky that the set up for the weekend "Taste of Cincinnati" celebration (which draws over a million people) did not interfere with finding a place to park. 

From there it was a matter of going through the guard screening to get into the building. When we did, the guard called us "ladies" so I was happy. Once we arrived at the office we were looking for, the clerks who waited on us were as predictably detached as I thought they would be, so I did not encounter any stares or pushback from anyone. The worst part of course was actually paying our tax bill before we were on our way. 

On the way back home, we decided to just use the drive thru at our favorite coffee shop and spend even more money we didn't really have but we managed to order a light breakfast and coffee and be on our way.

As I often write about, we just don't get out much, so even such a mundane trip was interesting. I often have the chance to relax and reflect on how far I have come as a transgender woman. It wasn't so long ago I would have been petrified to make the short trip I made this morning.

Since we are entering the Memorial Day weekend and I am veteran, I will have my usual post coming up reminding everyone to remember the true meaning of the holiday.

In the meantime, thanks always to all of you who have followed along with all my experiences. Your participation makes it all so worthwhile.

Fear of Gender

New Alzheimer's Pride Shirt

I have always thought those who protest too strenuously over the LGBTQ community as a whole or the transgender community in particular are very afraid of their own gender feelings or sexuality.

The whole reality of gender bigots coming out of their shells in public has happened because they have been emboldened by a certain former president and his party supporters. While, at the same time wealthy MAGA financers have made it possible for them to pursue their bigoted goals at the state political levels. My native state of Ohio is a prime example. A fundamentalist Baptist preacher has been leading the charge to erase all transgender care in the state. In response, the state legislature has already passed bills restricting any care for transgender youth under the age of eighteen. To make matters worse, they have plans to try again to expand the bill to all transgender women and men in the state in the future. So far they have failed and the ACLU has promised to take the state to court over it's bills. 

As I put my anger aside for a moment, I paused and wondered what skeletons the Baptist turned politician had against me. Similar to all of the other transgender people I know, we are just trying to lead a quiet life. The better we are at staying out of the public eye, the better. Plus, don't get me started on what I feel about churches who do more than dabble in partisan politics. 

I shouldn't be surprised with a Baptist preacher leading the anti-trans charge here in Ohio since my brother's in laws are all fundamentalist Baptists and he chose them over me when I came out to him. As much as it hurt, I got over it and we have not communicated in over a decade.

All ranting aside, I am a firm believer in the power of gender to transcend and take over any other paranoia a human may have. From birth we largely have our gender chosen for us. Like it or not, using me as an example, I was obviously born a boy or male but I grew up to be a transgender woman. Not completing the gender journey I was assigned would have led me to an early death. It is my opinion, the most oppressive of the gender bigots have a fear of their true selves. They protest too much as many are clutching their crosses while they are doing it. It is tragic when people hate so much. I don't expect the public to understand me  but I don't expect hate either.

I am lucky to live in a fairly liberal part of Ohio, far away from the area where the ultra anti transgender preacher lives. So my activism comes primarily from my writings, my out-reach attempts with groups such as the Alzheimer's Association and participating in Veterans LGBTQ groups. It is essential for me to let them know how urgent the anti-transgender situation is in Ohio. Sadly I can only do a very little to financially support candidates I knew will help our cause. 

I don't suppose I will ever understand why anyone who wants to harm a person in the LGBTQ community because if you are gay and or lesbian you can't think eventually the gender bigots won't come for your rights also. They are using the weaker transgender community as a starting point. Even if you are a cross dresser deep into your closet, you need to consider your gender future and vote accordingly. 

We all need you!

The Most Expensive Holiday

 I wish I wrote this but I didn't:

I will just also add how many transgender veterans took their deep dark gender secret to the grave with them. 

As you enjoy your cookout, just take a second to remember all who made the ultimate sacrifice to insure the fragile freedoms we enjoy. 

Transition on Duty

More and more stories are coming out considering transgender and transsexual veterans.
Most of course are from veterans who are no longer in the service. We are still deemed unfit for service by the US Military.
Recently, The Army Times ran a story about a trans man who is beginning his transition on duty-in Afganistan.

Here's part of the story:

"She’s a lesbian, and almost everyone in her unit knows it. She wears her hair cropped short and has a distinctly boyish appearance. And she’s becoming manlier by the day, now that she’s started taking male hormones. Call her Keith. That’s the name this 26-year-old specialist, now deployed to Afghanistan, plans to take when she completes a transition begun several months ago when she started giving herself testosterone injections every other week, under the direction of a civilian doctor who specializes in gender changes. “It’s going well. My voice is deeper, I’m getting more muscle. I feel more energy. I feel more like myself,” she told Military Times in a recent interview via Skype from her containerized housing unit in Afghanistan. Keith declined to be identified by her real name because under military policy, troops diagnosed with “gender identity disorder” are deemed medically unfit for service and face administrative separation. The repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell” in September 2011 cleared the way for gay troops to serve openly but did not address transgender individuals, def
ined as people who don’t identify with their birth gender."

Of course there is so much more to this story and you can read it here.