 |
| Image from Alexander Mass on UnSplash |
My first problem was hiding my small but growing collection of
feminine fashion. In addition to my parents, I had a slightly younger brother I
needed to deal with. Somehow, I managed to keep the darkest and potentially
most destructive secret I had away from him, I wanted to be a girl in the worst
way. I had no way of knowing then how many times I would be in over my head as
I chased my dream. Primarily because I had no way of knowing looking like a
woman was just the first step of a lifetime of gender learning. As I like to
say, my gender notebook was blank when I received my copy, and I needed to
catch up the best I could.
I began by studying the women around me who were my age the
best I could. It was all I could do at that time to keep myself from setting
myself up for failure when I finally was able to escape my dark, lonely gender
closet and explore the world for the first time. When I did, I was naïve and
confident I would have no problems. After I was sent home crying after being
laughed at, rudely I knew I was in over my head with a lot of work to do. For
some reason, for the first time in my life I knew I could not give up and I
refused to quit. I kept going back to the drawing board until my makeup art
improved and I began to learn the benefits of dressing my self properly as a
woman of my age and build. Suddenly, I began to pull myself out of my quicksand
and began to move forward again towards my dream of living as a transgender
woman.
Ironically, as I moved forward, I ran into many other
obstacles in my way. Was I pushing myself into a world which was ready for me
or not was one of the main questions I had. The more involved I became in the
world as a trans woman, the more I needed to be accepted into women only spaces.
The only way I would ever know was if I could conquer my fears and try. As I
pressed on, somedays I was more successful than others, but overall, I found I
was accepted by other women. The times I found myself in over my head as a novice
transfeminine person were primarily when I was approached improperly by men.
There were times I needed to run home and rework my gender notebook after close
ugly calls with men. I learned quickly, those close calls did not validate my
worth as a woman. They did provide me with an insight of what women go through
in their lives and I learned fast.
As I was adjusting to the new life I was destined to live, It
seemed as if the lessons I was receiving kept coming faster and faster. I
learned from my lesbian friends how to validate myself as a woman and from men,
what not to do. At no point in time was any of my life easy at this point, but it
was scary and exciting at the same time. My dream became so close I could reach
out and touch it. If I kept out of the quicksand and kept my head above water,
I could make it. The hardest part was still yet to come as I was coming
increasingly closer by the day to separating from the male life I resented for
so long.
The final decision to change was brought on by my choice to
seek out gender affirming hormones or HRT. As I urge everyone to do, I sought
out medical approval before I went down the radical path I was on. I was
approved, put on an initial minimal dosage and before I knew it, changes were
happening which made me a highly androgynous person. One look in the mirror told
me that I had made the right decision and I wanted to move past the minimal dosage
of HRT I was on.
I can’t say I haven’t found my way
in over my head in recent times because of the type of person I am. Did being
transgender aid in it? Who knows. We all have our choices to make, and they are
all tempered by the people around us. Some are fortunate and have discovered feminine
gatekeepers such as spouses were there all along. While others are destined to
go it alone. Whatever the case, try to not get in over your head and do the
best you can.
No comments:
Post a Comment