Authenticity

Transgender flag flying at 
Cincinnati's City Hall.

 In order to just get by in the world, transgender women, or trans men need to be authentic. Which is always easier said than done. 

First of all, you need the confidence to try out your new self in an exciting yet scary different world. Maybe, a person smarter than me has an idea on how to provide yourself with confidence other just by just doing it. For transgender women, among other things, it means putting aside all the hard-earned male privileges we came to be used to. In order to be truly authentic in our transgender womanhood, everything male had to go. 

It took me years, or even decades to get around to living authentically as a trans woman. Before I was able to, I needed to adjust my thinking to what a woman really was, and what she had to go through during her life. As my second wife kept trying to tell me, there was so much more to womanhood than just looking like one. Finally, I started to realize what she meant, but it was not until I made it out into the world as a novice transgender woman, did I realize what she really meant. For me, it meant the girls nights out I was invited to, along with everyday communication helped me to discover my true feminine self. 

Even still, all those nights I went out to be by myself were not helping me with my authenticity. I learned the difficult way all females were not women because they were never socialized into womanhood. Through it all, I wondered where the whole process would land me. For years, I feared a hard fall in my life if I had fully transitioned into transgender womanhood, but it never happened for me. I think, the more I learned in my new life helped strangers to interact with me easier, one on one. 

Perhaps the biggest discovery in my life came when I learned firsthand how powerful my internal feminine self was. Once she sensed she had control in my life, she effortlessly took over and guided me to a soft landing when I slid off my gender cliff. One of the main things she did was making me how total the femininization process was once it got started. I guess the first thing she changed was how I looked at my life. For example, she made me realize I was never a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man. All of a sudden, my early life made sense as to why I could never satisfy the deep craving I had to dress as a woman, only to discover a couple days later, I would be depressed if I could not dress again and find the nearest mirror. I needed constant reassurance I was on the proper path to my own form of transgender womanhood.

I guess, authenticity can only be earned the hard way through lots of work and even experimentation.  When you do experiment, and are successful, gender euphoria and confidence set in and you are ready to move forward in your life.   

How I Became a Lesbian

Image from V T on UnSplash

Looking back, perhaps I have always been a lesbian. 

When I had to live as a guy, I intensely studied everything female and I never considered having sex with another man until I transitioned much later in life. At that point, I was wondering if my sexuality would change when I started living as a transgender woman. It was a highly intensive personal topic I put off questioning until I could not put it off any longer. 

Then I had help from other women such as Amy who instructed me to buy bananas to practice with, without becoming too graphic. She left little to the imagination. Plus, the problem was, I still did not know if I wanted to be with a man sexually or not. The only thing I did know was, since I had started going out in public as a transgender woman, I was totally embraced by more women than men. Probably for two reasons. The first being many women were just curious what I was doing in their space. The second is that generally women are less uptight about their gender than men. Who are very insecure. I just knew, for a change, I was enjoying my life much more and I was much less lonely. 

Still, I was not interacting with card carrying lesbian women and still did not understand the layers of their society. I knew nothing of femmes, butches and even super butches not to mention baby dykes. There are probably more than I can remember such as soft studs. Slowly but surely, I began to learn all about this when I began to regularly frequent two lesbian bars in Dayton, Ohio. Sadly, they did not exist for a long period of time and before they had closed I had moved on to mainly big sports bars where I could watch the games. 

By pure coincidence in the sports bars, I ran into two lesbians. One was the Mom of a bartender I knew and the other was there to pick up a to go order and slid a note down the bar to me. Over time and amounts of beer we became friends and met often. Plus, at the same time, a super butch I knew asked me out for dinner before he actually transitioned into a transgender man. It was my first date with a man and I was very nervous as he was fond of telling me later. 

With all the lesbian interaction I was having, I had the chance to go to lesbian mixers they were going to. My confidence rose when I gained acceptance at most of the mixers. Even to the point of joining up with my future wife Liz and going to a roller girl event in Cincinnati. And, I forgot to mention, Liz and I met up on an on-line dating site under a woman seeking woman category. So yes, she is a lesbian too and our first date was to a drag show. 

Sadly now, most of the lesbian clubs and bars have closed and gone away, leaving a big gap in the LGBTQ world. Personally, through my interactions, I learned so much. Including my validation as a person did not have to come from a man. Plus I was entertained and made friends when I needed them the most. Liz and I are going on over a dozen years together and happy. Proving I was a lesbian all along. I was just waiting for my male self to get out of the way so I could totally express it.

It turned out my sexuality was never in question and I only kissed a few men to know the direction I wanted to go. I owe a debt of gratitude to all the women who accepted me.    

Trans Girl in a Beer Garden

Image from Igor Omilaev

Following moving in with my future wife Liz in a Cincinnati, Ohio suburb, I went through another unexpected transition. 

When I moved, I threw out all my male clothes and started living full time as a transgender woman and I still had my very small circle of friends who had ever known anything about my male self. What I ran into next was being accepted into Liz's circle of friends. Sure I was scared or terrified to meet them all, I had no choice to hitch up my big girl panties and go with it. Long story short, I survived and most of the group seemed to accept me with open arms. What it all did was add another layer of acquaintances to my transgender journey. 

Then the group began having Halloween Witches Balls in the metro Cincinnati area and Liz and I became organizers of the big party. By doing so, we needed to help select the annual venues. It just so happened, several of the potential venues were owned by brew-pubs in the area. In order to check out the venues, we (or I in particular) had to check out the craft beer. Through it all, I enjoyed myself immensely. One venue I remember in particular was in a retired huge old church and the second was a second floor area which featured an outdoor on street beer garden of sorts. After we looked at the party venue, we were able to find a table outside and enjoy a couple of their beers. Even though the brew was wonderful, the company was better. I was able to relax, not attract any undue attention and watch the world interact around me. As a relatively new transgender woman, it was the first time in my life I could live as a free person. 

From this point forward, I knew I was included in the group and had added another layer of gender transition to my life. I already know how much I enjoyed beer gardens from my days in Germany, so I was just combining the two for more success. Plus, for the first time, I was on the feminine side of life so I would not have to be envious of all the women around me. Now, since I drink so much less, experiencing an outdoor beer garden is a rarity. Fall, is not so far away and I hope I can experience several Cincinnati October fests to celebrate a big birthday I have coming up. Cincinnati is a heavily German heritage town and has some fantastic fests to experience along with the fall weather. 

Perhaps, it will be a great time for this transgender girl to experience more time in a beer garden. 

Trans Girl in the World

Downtown Cincinnati archive
image. Ohio River in the
background.

Recently, the day came when my wife Liz and I were able to get out of the house and run a few important errands. Of course it was also a rare chance to see and be seen in the public's eye. 

The first thing which had to happen was to decide what I was going to wear. Since we were not going anywhere fancy, I did not have to over do it. We were just going to the county treasurer's office to pay our taxes and make a possible coffee shop stop, so I felt my leggings and lightweight lacy top would do, along with tennis shoes in case we needed to walk any distance. The treasurer's office was downtown.   

Since we were trying to beat the rush, we decided to try to get an early start, so I needed to be up early (for me) so I could apply a light coat of makeup and brush then tie back my hair which is due for it's summer trim. Once we arrived at the treasurer's office, we were lucky that the set up for the weekend "Taste of Cincinnati" celebration (which draws over a million people) did not interfere with finding a place to park. 

From there it was a matter of going through the guard screening to get into the building. When we did, the guard called us "ladies" so I was happy. Once we arrived at the office we were looking for, the clerks who waited on us were as predictably detached as I thought they would be, so I did not encounter any stares or pushback from anyone. The worst part of course was actually paying our tax bill before we were on our way. 

On the way back home, we decided to just use the drive thru at our favorite coffee shop and spend even more money we didn't really have but we managed to order a light breakfast and coffee and be on our way.

As I often write about, we just don't get out much, so even such a mundane trip was interesting. I often have the chance to relax and reflect on how far I have come as a transgender woman. It wasn't so long ago I would have been petrified to make the short trip I made this morning.

Since we are entering the Memorial Day weekend and I am veteran, I will have my usual post coming up reminding everyone to remember the true meaning of the holiday.

In the meantime, thanks always to all of you who have followed along with all my experiences. Your participation makes it all so worthwhile.

Outreach Revisited

Trans Flag over Cincinnati City Hall.

This week has come and gone, along with  the two outreach events I had.  One was easier than the other. The first was our virtual meeting of the local Cincinnati Alzheimer's group I am a part of. 

The second was much more difficult for several different reasons. The first one was I needed to be there in person. Which meant I needed to navigate the congested area of the University of Cincinnati campus where the Transgender Wellness Clinic was being held. Of course, as predicted, the GPS on my phone wouldn't work, so I made several wrong turns along the way before I made it. 

Once I did manage to arrive, I received a warm welcome plus the closest parking spot available for the event. In fact, the walking distance to the elevators was very close and a welcome respite for the long, congested drive. 

Since the Wellness Clinic was held on a college campus, the crowd was predictably young. As far as the panel itself went, I was a little disappointed in that I was by far the elder of the group. I thought several others in my age category would volunteer to come but I learned they all turned down coming except for me. The organizer said they expressed fear when approached about coming. From that point onward, I made a point of me not having any fear of being seen in public and I am slowly but surely trying to get out more. No matter how stressful it may be. 

As far as questions went, most of them revolved on how times have changed since all the panel members came out of their gender closets. Even though, most of the other panelists were half my age, several of them came out approximately the same time I did, since they had the courage to follow their inner souls faster than I did. Since I have known several of them for years, the reunion was fun. Plus, there was quite a bit of good group interaction from the panel. Even better, was when I found out how many people listened to my introduction and picked up on the fact I am a transgender veteran and thanked me for my service. 

I left the panel feeling better about the world after urging the younger generation to stay politically active and fight all the negative political changes which are under court challenges here in Ohio. On the positive side also, the trans woman who invited me to the Wellness event also was able to raise the transgender flag over the Cincinnati City Hall.   

The trip home was predictably the same with me making the wrong turns and getting lost but somehow I found my way. Which might also describe my gender journey. Don't panic, just try to find another route and keep moving towards a goal. My only main problem I encountered was a huge interstate traffic jam caused by a bad accident. After I arrived home, I finally had a chance to look back with pride that I was included in such a wonderful event. 

Pictures were taken and if I see any, I will pass them along to all of you. 

It's Game Day

 

Red Wig Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Archives and the game...

Recently, the Cincinnati Reds kicked off their latest professional baseball season. Opening Day is a big deal here complete with a parade and sell out crowds at the game. 

As a guy, I somehow managed to secure a ticket or two to the game because the company I worked for knew I was a huge sports fan and it was their way to keep me happier. As a transgender woman, I also managed to go to a few games but never opening day. As I aged, the problem became when I was unable to walk long distances to get to the ballpark and had nothing to do with me worrying about being accepted by the other fans in the stadium. Plus what remained of seeing the whole sporting experience in person as a woman just reinforced the fact I could take my love from one gender to another. 

I was lucky when I found and was accepted by a small group of women who were passionate about sports also. We regularly gathered at sports bars to watch our favorite teams play while we drank quantities of good cold draft beer. Good times were normally had by all, even though our teams lost. Perhaps the best part was, since I was part of a group of other women, no one questioned my gender at all. I had my validation as a person I so desperately sought. 

With one of my friends (Kim) a friendly competition developed over which professional football team we were fans of. Her family is from Pittsburgh, so naturally she is a Steelers fan which collided head on with me since I am a Cincinnati Bengals fan. Along the way, we became so close she invited me to go along with her family to a Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati. All of a sudden, I realized what such a major deal going to a real live National Football League game was when it came to my gender transition timetable. For most of my life, I wondered what it would be like to attend a game as my authentic transgender self and all of a sudden, the time had come. 

Back in those days, I had not started gender affirming hormones yet so all I had to wear was a barely fitting wig Kim and her daughter Hope had always seen me in. Hope was a bar tended/server at one of the venues I became a regular in and initially set up a meeting between her lesbian mom and I. Needless to say, I was terrified yet still excited to take another major step along my gender path. The door to my closet was opening faster than I had ever dreamed it would. Once I made it to the stadium, it was dark which helped my presentation and I went through the initial stadium security check points with no problems and my confidence began to build. We made it to our seats and no one gave me a second look, so I was happy. After all, everyone had paid a premium price to watch a football game, not a stray transgender fan in the stands. 

The only perceivable problem I was going to have was how much I could drink. I didn't want to chance going to the women's room if I could help it but I couldn't risk having to go during the long road trip home if I had to. So I compromised and just had two beers and made only one trip to the rest room where nothing happened. I got in, took care of business, washed my hands and got out. 

Per norm, the Bengals lost to the Steelers that night, so I took some abuse from the others in the group. Little did they know how just going was a complete victory and confidence builder for me and to this day, I can't thank Kim enough for including me.

These days, the Cincinnati Reds have a young exciting team who are fun to watch and my dream is to build myself up to the point where my wife Liz and I can see a game or two this summer. 

Outreach Week

 Unexpectedly, this week has turned into an outreach week for me. 

First of all, recently I virtually attended another Alzheimer's diversity council meeting. The rest of the council is all women so I fit in quite nicely. Every once in awhile, the moderator slips up and calls me "he" but not at all in the most recent meeting. Which was nice. As I always mention, the local Alzheimer's group reached out to me initially and I have been treated with the overall respect on occasion I never see in other groups.  So, if you are facing a dire health situation with a transgender or other LGB relatives when it comes to an ugly case of memory loss, don't hesitate to research your local Alzheimer's Association for help. My passion for this subject comes from the fact my Dad passed at the age of eighty six following a prolonged tragic bout with Dementia. Also, if you happen to be in the metro Cincinnati/Dayton Ohio area, feel free to reach out to me for more contact information.

My second outreach opportunity is coming up later in the week.  Again I was approached by a transgender friend to participate in a panel discussion which will  be held at the University of Cincinnati. It's called the "Transgender Wellness Event" and I am excited to be able to meet a majority college crowd and field any questions they may have about escaping their gender closets later in life. Like I did. It will be my first such opportunity ever and I am excited. Now I have to hope my wonky cell phone GPS gets me there in one piece since I am still fairly new to the tangle of streets which makes up the city and especially the university itself. I rely too much on my wife Liz, who is a native, to get me around. 

At this point, the weather forecast is good, so I still have not decided what I am going to wear. Plus I am thinking of (for the first time in my life) taking a cane with me in case it looks like I will have to walk a long way to make my way into the event itself. 

One way or another, I plan on making it into the venue and witnessing first hand what a portion of the college age students have to say about being transgender. Plus, just being available to be there and answer any questions is also very important in this day and age here in Ohio where we are in a constant battle for our trans rights. Being in a college setting, I don't expect much push back but I am prepared one way or another.

One never knows if getting out more will help me to get out again and explore the world as I used to. Even if I have to utilize a handicapped sticker and a cane.

Pockets of Insecurity

Girls Night Out, I am Bottom Left
Image from the Jessie Hart Archives.

 Where I live in suburban Cincinnati, it has been rare in the past decade when I have ever been harassed for being transgender. In fact, I think the only time it happened was when I first moved down here approximately ten years ago.

However, if I travel a few more miles east into a neighboring county, I always find myself in a decidedly redneck or MAGA areas. One of the most memorable occasions took place two times when the Wiccan group I was part of had garage sales in a small village in the middle of the area I am referring to. Here we were on a Sunday morning and afternoon set up just outside of a big box store selling crafts and baked goods to interested people. Yes I was scared!

I thought, how the heck did a transgender Wiccan trans woman end up in an heavily redneck area on a Sunday? One in a million I thought. Then I was wrong, there was another trans woman trying her best to come out in a hostile world who owned a house not far from where I was. We have kept track of each other over the years through social media and recently has said she has had more than her share of problems from her world. She has been subjected to everything from old ladies shaking their fingers at her at the grocery store, all the way to men yelling derogatory things from their cars. Gender bigots everywhere it seems for my poor friend. 

The frustrating part is she presents well except for the usual problems with her height and voice. Naturally, she has expressed her frustration with living in the entire Cincinnati area. Several others, including me, mentioned it wasn't the entire metro area, just where she lived. 

Sadly, in many ways, my friend is stuck in a small way in the same problems all transgender women and trans men have living in Ohio. Even though, the metropolitan areas of the state are inviting, diverse and liberal. the redneck Republican politicians are now trying their best to erase all of the gains and rights trans Ohioan's have gained over the years. Now including even the rights to gaining healthcare for gender affirming hormones and beyond. In doing so, the state is threatening to come after the very clinics which work with the trans population. If it happens, it will be scary to see if the states' intrusion into my life will reach all the way to my Veteran's Administration health care. Which, for me has been overwhelming positive when it came to my gender affirming care.

The moral to the story is, no matter where you are or how far along you are in your transition, you better be aware of what your future could hold. Even though you are deep in your closet, you need to vote accordingly for your future. 

As far as my friend goes, I hope she finds away around all the gender bigots and discovers a way to live an authentic life. 

Trip Number One

 

Hair after salon image 
Jessie Hart
Archives...

Way back when, one of the first priorities I had was coming out to my only child, a daughter. Of course I was properly scared to death the morning I told her at breakfast. 

It turned out all the paranoia I felt was unfounded when she wholeheartedly supported me. Which she does to this day. Outside of my wife Liz, she is one of my biggest transgender allies. Especially since her oldest child came out to her as trans, so she had some experience with the entire situation. 

When I came out to my daughter, I had a chance to let my hair grow out to the point where it could be styled professionally at a beauty salon. Which at the time seemed to be the impossible dream. It also was close to my birthday so as it turned out my birthday gift was a trip to her (daughter's) very upscale salon for a color and trim. 

Even though the entire idea of going to a women's beauty salon  really scared me, how could I refuse such a wonderful gift. Before I knew it, the time to meet her and go through with the visit was upon me. For my first visit my daughter came with me to essentially hold my hand, because I was almost ready to panic and run out the front door. But I didn't. As I nervously sat and waited with a cup of coffee, I wondered what was going to lie ahead and what color was I going to choose for my new hair. Since I had retired, I didn't have to worry about any negative responses from employers or fellow employees. Freed up from all that worry, I was able to worry about my choices.

Finally, it was my turn to be called back to my new stylist. Predictably, the salon itself was long and narrow with a single line of women in chairs being styled. Walking in front of all of them and feeling their eyes on me did not do me any favors when it came to my nervousness. After greetings were exchanged, the first priority was picking a color to change what was left of my dark hair which was my natural color. By mutual agreement between the stylist, my daughter and myself, we decided to go with a streaked light red and blond look. Plus, since my hair is naturally wavy, the stylist straightened it out. Which later on I found I didn't like.  

By the time all of this was happening, I thought I was getting a contact buzz from all the estrogen in the room. Through it all, I quickly discovered what I was missing by never being able to go to a woman's only space such as an upscale beauty salon. Before I moved, I ended up going back several times before I moved away to Cincinnati. Plus, the more I went, the more I relaxed and enjoyed the experience. 

It took awhile but I found and set up many appointments with a new stylist here in Cincinnati who happened to have a transgender son. Again she was very good at her craft and I enjoyed going to her for hair advice and stylings before she retired due to problems with her hands. With her though, the experience was singular because there were no gauntlet of women to walk past everytime I went. She had her own little cubical. 

I will forever be in debt to my daughter for her birthday gift so many years ago which brought me into the  world of beauty salons. From that point forward, I began to understand why women spend so much time and money on their hair.

Virtual Outreach

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives.
Ohio River in background...

 Recently I experienced a busy day virtually on the old laptop.

First of all, I needed to go through the pre screening process for another colonoscopy. I just had one a year ago but the doctors removed a sizable polyp which fortunately turned out to be non cancerous. Even so, instead of waiting the usual three years between check ups I was scheduled for to come back in a year. If you are not familiar, colonoscopies are not the most pleasant procedures to go through but on the other hand, having intestinal cancer is a terrible alternative. 

I don't know how many of these procedures the Cincinnati Veteran's Administration hospital does a year but the woman doing the intake on the phone almost immediately said, I remember you. Being transgender I am used to being remembered. However, this is one of the times I would have preferred not to be remembered. The woman I was talking to on the phone possibly reacted at my often poor attempt to sound feminine on the phone. Part of my transition I am always working on. Hopefully this time, I won't be miss-gendered when I go in early January for the procedure as I was last time.

The second part of my virtual day occurred later on when I attended the monthly meeting of the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity committee. As always the meeting was very gender affirming as the other four participants were all women. It's almost as if I was in another mini girls night out. Plus, I am a big believer in helping anyway I can with the association because years ago, my Dad passed from having Alzheimer's. When I approached them to do more, I was pleasantly surprised to learn the association already had some guidelines in place to deal with LGBTQ patients. However as we all know, being transgender presents more unique opportunities we have to encounter than the rest of the gay or lesbian community. 

One thing I have had to do (which I have been putting off), is write a short post for the Association's Facebook page. It should be noted several of the members have made it a point to go to several of the regional Prides this summer to help publicize what programs are offered to help those in need. So hopefully I will be just aiding in the process. 

I also write for the local transgender - cross dresser monthly newsletter and each time I encourage anyone else to wants to become involved a path to do it. So far, no one has come forward to volunteer which is no real surprise because so many members are still deep in their closets. On a wider scale, if you have ever been touched by Alzheimer's and have time to spare, seek out your local association and see if they have a diversity committee to volunteer with.

One thing with a virtual day is, I need to apply makeup and fix my hair which is always good. In addition to my virtual appointments recently, I also had another one a couple days ago when it was time for the Dayton, Ohio VA LGBTQ support group. I learned then my long time (ten years) therapist is leaving for another job. I was very sad because I have always looked up to her as one of the top three influencers in my life. It will be interesting to learn if anyone else will run the group. 

Now, for awhile, life will settle back down as Thanksgiving has now passed us by and it has occurred to me I have not written about my family experiences yet. Where does time go?

Breaking Down Barriors

 

Image from Nick Fewings
on UnSplash

I made it through my first long, long day in a hospital waiting for the doctor to complete my wife Liz's two operations.

The day started quite early, around six thirty in the morning and involved initially just a few people who I needed to introduce myself to. I always wonder how I will be perceived when we tell other people we are married. I feel doing it sometimes give me a chance to possibly out myself to the world. Not to worry, everyone who met us was very nice and responded correctly to my gender which of course is "she and her." 

I needed a good start I found as I embarked on a very long day as I have written. My biggest problem is sitting in uncomfortable hard backed chairs for any length of time. The only type of chair available to me as I waited for hours and hours in the surgical waiting room. The only saving grace was the room had a free refreshment area with a good coffee machine plus free soft drinks and snacks. I quickly found I could mix a chocolate cappuccino which tasted fairly good. 

By noon, after I finally figured no one else in the waiting room had me to worry about, I had a chance to go to another waiting room where Liz was just coming out of surgery. Again I was treated nicely and was directed how to get to the cafeteria where I could have some much needed lunch. Getting there, I found, was going to be another challenge. By this time, my back was screaming at me and I was doing my best not to walk all hunched over. For some reason, I had forgotten to take any ibuprofen before I left the house. I paid the price as I had to find my way down to the cafeteria on very crowded elevators. On top of my gender dysphoria, I had to worry about being crowded into such a small space with so many people. 

Again, I had no problems navigating the cafeteria, even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I ordered. Again the food was surprising good and before long I finished eating and headed back upstairs to the uncomfortable waiting room. Then the real wait started because after Liz came out of surgery, the hospital didn't have any rooms available as they were trying to get one cleaned. It took nearly four more hours of waiting before she got a room. By this time, I decided to head home and feed the cats and try to relax. 

Then I made a couple of wrong turns and became semi-lost during rush hour traffic in Cincinnati. My GPS finally kicked in and after a hour of stressful driving, I made it home. The cats were fed and I tried to lay down for a second and rest my aching back. I couldn't lay there long because I was still caffeine charged up and decided to head back to the hospital. When I did, I was much more successful in navigating the trip. Once I arrived I needed to check in as a guest and get registered which also was a challenge when the security guard who obviously was new finally found the room number where Liz was. 

We were able to visit for a couple hours after yet another long hospital walk. Plus I did manage to make the return trip home the correct way without any problems, including a stop to pick up some dinner.

Now, I need to wrap up this post and head back to the hospital. Hopefully, Liz will be released today. Hopefully I had the chance to meet other people who never have te chance to interact with a transgender person, their first experience and it was a good one.

Still a Mystery

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection

 When I went to the breakfast meeting yesterday, I was able to take a very small sample of how transgender women and trans men are being accepted in the area of the country around me. The meeting drew approximately one hundred people. Mostly younger professionals.

Before the speaker took the stage, there was a time for networking with others around us. Since I was still basically shy, I decided to stay back and see if anyone tried to reach out to me. No one did, so now I regret my decision. I am sure there will be a next time, so I will have a chance at a re-do and do better. After all, the last thing I want to do is come off being unfriendly. What kind of a transgender ambassador would I be? 

One thing I will always question is how my first impression is received, or what are people really thinking about me,  Yesterday the process began early when I needed to sign in and then find my breakfast, so like it or not, I needed to interact with the world. Everybody I saw gave me a big hello and a smile, which made the overall process so much easier. Long ago, I gave up on my egotistical desire to be viewed as a cis-woman and I settled for being noticed as an attractive (I hope) transgender woman who blends in with the other women. By "working the room" I will have a better idea of what the other attendees think of a trans person. 

Through it all, I still on occasion think, why me? What trigger switch was thrown when I was born to always question the male gender I was born into. The closest I have ever come to thinking I found a culprit was when I began reading about the medication DES which was given for years to women which had experienced problem pregnancies in their past. My Mom had several problem pregnancy's and I was born in the period of time the drug was used, so I naturally was intrigued. Much more so when I read DES flooded the uterus with estrogen when the mother was pregnant. So maybe, that was the reason I always questioned which gender I was born into.

None of that helped me yesterday when I basically retreated myself instead of being a  quality ambassador for the transgender community when I could. I was proud of myself with negotiating the morning Cincinnati rush hour traffic and still utilizing a spotty GPS system on my phone to even find the venue. I thought the difficult part was behind me but I was wrong. I, for whatever reason, couldn't seal the deal and be a quality transgender representative. I will have other chances though and I will do better. One thing I am going to try to have changed is my name tag which correctly identified my legal female name but also said I was "retired" which is also true but I think restricts whomever wants to network with me, I am going to try to get it changed to writer or blogger. Either of which would at the least open potential lines for communication. 

Once I accomplish all of my future goals, I will have to set new ones and hope my life is not such a mystery to others.

Out...With Civilians

Image from Brett Kavanaugh on
UnSplash

 It's been awhile since I have journeyed out of the house without my wife Liz, unless I was going on simple errands to the gas station or to the pharmacy, I didn't go.

This morning I broke what I refer to as the "Covid" curse and I went to my first Alzheimer's group of Greater Cincinnati's breakfast presentation. I decided to go since I signed up to be part of the organization's diversity committee. The committee is meeting virtually for my first meeting later on this month. As I have mentioned in the past, my passion to try to help with the Alzheimer's effort comes because of my Dad passing from the disease years ago. 

Almost as important to me was the fact I was returning to the public again after so long hiding in the shadows. Before the forced isolation of Covid, I was more or less a public person. Recently I decided it was time to get back in the public's eye and regain my confidence. Since I am inherently a shy person, the idea of meeting a room full of strangers was intimidating again. Almost as scary of facing the Cincinnati morning rush hour traffic with my GPS which had decided to not work all the way on the way.

Regardless of all of that, I did make it to the venue. In time to grab a breakfast sandwich, a cup of coffee and finally a seat where I could comfortably see and hear the speakers. To that point, everyone was really nice and greeted me with a smile.  In other words, my fears of somehow being mistreated for being the only transgender woman there were completely unfounded. The only LGBTQA+ person I saw there was one of the caterers as well as several maybe lesbians in the crowd of attendees. 

Looking around at the majority of the other women who were there, I dressed to blend rather well. I wore a pair of my black leggings, white camisole with a knitted top that my wife Liz made me. I added my black flats, lite makeup, pulled back my hair and I was ready to go. I was cool and comfortable on a warm summer's morning and wasn't too cold in the air conditioned venue.

Now I hope to expand my horizons again and do more to support my passions. Coming up next is the first of a ten week support group with the Dayton Ohio Veterans' Administration. Over the weeks we will be asked our opinion of how the VA has been doing in it's support of LGBTQA+ veterans. I am looking forward into providing my input as well as do more in the future for the Alzheimer's committee.

I feel anything I can do will pay me forward in the karma department and hopefully the recent strides in Alzheimer's care will continue and I won't have to face the same fate as my Dad did. 

 

The Good, the Bad and...

 Actually is there is no ugly in regards to this post.

Last night we finally were able to venture out for my birthday dinner. We decided on a venue I have been wanting to visit for quite awhile now. Liz is a little more reticent to go to new places so I had to throw the birthday card (I won't say rump card) to get her to go. 

The Turf Club Cincinnati

Once we arrived, in our casual clothes and all, we felt right at home with a crowd basically dressed in jeans and sweatshirts. Plus, seeing as how the Turf Club (where we were) had a brief visit from the network halftime network football crew who was doing the Bengals game, quite a few of the patrons were showing off their best football attire. Even though I am still a huge fan, I have not been able to afford any of the current up to date "fashion" so I just went with a simple sweater, jeans and knee high boots. 

I will finish my plug for the venue by saying it has been visited by Guy of "Diners, Drive ins and Dives" Food Network fame and I had the same half pound burger which he did. Well, not the same one but made the same. 

A Turf Club Burger

Probably, most importantly, no one seemed to notice the tallish transgender woman in the crowded restaurant. It was the second time this week I experienced gender euphoria. The first was when I was instructed on which frames were for the women earlier this week when I went for my new glasses. This was after I spent too much time worrying about if the eye glass receptionist would have any gender related questions for me. 

Finally, today was my therapy day. It turned out nearly the entire session was dedicated to  revisiting all my old Veterans Administration mental health paperwork in the system. So, for the second time this month I was asked how I identified by the VA. Again I dutifully replied, I am a transgender lesbian and I answer to the she and hers pronouns. 

On the plus side I found I was going to receive a new I-pad to enable me to better be served virtually by the VA. Of course it can only be used for veterans related needs. 

Actually I fibbed earlier. Liz and I are attending a close friend's funeral who committed suicide. I have only been to one funeral since I gender transitioned, so I have picked out my best black outfit for such a sad event. That's the ugly of a terrific week.    

It's Wedding Week

Liz on the left. New Years Eve
Photo

It is here already.  This is the week Liz and I get married. As always, time flies when you are having fun. I can't say I was having fun the entire time but I can say I can't believe the time has gone by so quickly. 

You see, Liz and I have been together for eleven years now and we actually met on an online dating site. Literally, she reached out to me when I was desperately lonely. We quickly hit it off and started to seriously correspond. First by email and then by phone when I became brave enough to let her hear my voice.

Of course one of the major factors in getting together in person was the distance we lived apart. In those days I lived approximately a hour apart. I lived in Springfield, Ohio and she in her native Cincinnati. So we were within meeting distance. Another plus was I had always loved Cincinnati and deep down thought I would end up living there. 

Following a year or so of commuting back and forth I moved my dog, cat and myself to Liz's place in Cincinnati. Without much of a problem we managed to mesh as she had her son, a dog and two cats living there. Spiritually, Liz is a Wiccan and I lean towards the Buddhist faith so again meshing wasn't too difficult. Liz was way ahead of me when she said how deeply she felt the relationship was destined to succeed and flourish.

Fast forward eleven years and Liz and I are obviously still together and thriving even though I am twelve years older the relationship continues to grow. So out of the clear blue sky a couple months ago my daughter said why don't we and get married. I thought about it for awhile and asked Liz to marry me. She said yes and we moved forward and went to the courthouse and filled out the necessary paperwork. Then we had to make a few basic decisions on what would happen next. It is Liz's first wedding and my third so I left many of the decisions up to her. The only thing I didn't really want was a big wedding and I did not need a fancy wedding dress. None of my previous wives desired a fancy dress and neither did I. Then came the names.

Since I just changed my name legally a couple years ago, I didn't want to go through all of that again. Plus I still am proud of the last name I was born with. Liz on the other hand is eventually going to take my last name. But overall, she wants to be able to call me Mrs. Hart which is quite the change for me. As far as the wedding ceremony itself goes, just my daughter's family is coming plus Liz's son. So with the officiant we will be around ten people. We do have one special guest. I have a FtM transgender grand child who is going to bring their serious partner and I am honored.

What I want everyone to know is when this all started I had exactly no expectations I would ever again be in a serious relationship. I was extremely lonely and was searching in some of the wrong places. Out of sheer persistence I finally hit pay dirt. More on that in a later post. 

Pic Nic Day

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

 I didn't think about it immediately but the picnic Liz and I attended yesterday was my first ever as my authentic self.  None of that mattered however, I was just looking to enjoy the day. 

I guess rule one with a picnic is having good weather and we were blessed with a close to perfect mid summer southern Ohio day. Rule two for me is having a place to sit down and eat. It is also important to note the picnic was hosted by the transgender - cross dresser group I am a member of. The majority of people attending I believe were transgender in various stages of transition along with a few spouses and cis women. 

The food was good and even the diverse group of people managed to play well together without any of the "I am more trans than you" rhetoric or any other politics sneaking in. With me others know what side of the political fence I am on and they leave me alone if they wanted to or not. 

It was nice also to see a few acquaintances we haven't seen in awhile and of course look back on a few of the long gone gay venues in Cincinnati we happen to frequent on different occasions. I am not from Cincinnati so my visits were far fewer than others. Plus I had to really try to come up with excuses to use on my wife on why I was spending a night away from home. How I worked it out was my company's headquarters was in Lexington, Kentucky so Cincinnati happened to be about mid point in my trip from home. I only managed to find it and make it there twice. Instead of staying overnight in Lexington, I would stay in Cincinnati.

One of the visits was very memorable. I got all dolled up in my best tight short mini, black top, heels and blond wig and I was ready to go after applying my makeup. From my knowledge of gay male venues I was not expecting much attention but I got a real surprise. Fairly quickly I was attracting quite a bit of attention from a guy at the bar. In a relatively short period of time, he moved over close to me and started a conversation. 

It wasn't too long after that when he started to try to  touch me until this other woman showed up looking for him. Quickly I was thinking now what I did I get myself into. Then he made things worse in my mind when he aaid to her "Why don't you have legs like her (me)!" I just gave her a sign like I give up and walked away and luckily she did also. 

That was my share of picnic topics  while the other person was talking about having sex in cars with other guys. I guarantee our topic was spicier than the food! I can't speak for the rest of the thirty or so people that were there but I imagine their conservations were rated "PG". 

    

A Brisk Day Downtown

 Another Transgender Day of Visibility has come and gone. As I previously wrote about I helped "man" the table for three hours for the Transgender - Cross dresser support group I am part of. It was held at the downtown campus of the county library. A portion was set up in the library and a portion was set up outside in the parking lot. 

Weather wise, the day was less than ideal. To say the least, the weather was brisk. Regardless,  there were plenty of participants who attended from the community. In addition,  there also were speakers and several entertainers. 

Surprisingly, even with the gray cold day attendance was still good. Although after the presentation most of the group moved to a warm place inside the large library where they had catered refreshments for us. I went in with a friend and as we thawed out As we chatted, it was difficult not to notice the complete diversity of the group.

My friend and I were on the older (more mature) end of the spectrum but it ranged from several pre teen transgender girls and boys all the way through many in their teens to us old people. As we enjoyed the food and warm friendly climate, my friend looked around and said how wonderful it was to be part of a majority for a change. So true!

To further the thought, the library even had a feature of the several "scary" books alt right politicians and preachers would like to ban. Of course it was wonderful to see such an outpouring of support. 

If you know anything about the politics of my native Ohio, it is important  to note the state has pockets of LGBTQ support. Take Cincinnati where I live for example. For the Day of Visibility, the transgender pride flag was flown over City Hall. 

I am not going to ruin this positive post with all the negatives which still face the transgender community. Even though the weather didn't cooperate, the people did.

It was good to be out and proud. And by all means...visible! I think many times when I am out with my partner Liz, I blend too well and end up not representing the transgender community at all. I guess you could call it a version of stealth. It's one reason why on occasion I prefer on occasion being an example of what can happen if you are able to live long enough to accomplish your gender goals and live as your authentic self. 

I fear some people just see the end result with me and not the fifty plus years to get here. 

A brisk day downtown brought it all back into focus for me. 

Awards in the "Nati"

 It's always nice to be awarded for my blogging efforts here in Cyrsti's Condo and on the Medium writers format. 

Actually I have received two awards now on Medium. The first was for my desire to write for the LGBTQ community and the second was a bit of a surprise. Recently I was given an award for fashion. 

As you regulars know, I don't spend much time writing anymore concerning what I wear. In fact, if I spend much time reviewing many of my older blog posts, I spent much more time explaining what I wore to do my best presenting my exterior self in a new (to me) exciting feminine world. 

At that point I began to think was there such a thing as transgender fashion? Quickly I began to understand there was. If you follow Stana at the Femulate blog who may be the ultimate transgender fashionista or me who is comfortable in jeans and sweaters, we all have the same thing in common. A desire to blend in with or even out do our cis women acquaintances. Many times we have to be better to even be able to exist as our authentic selves. In fact, my two wives on occasion both asked me for help with their make up. My current partner Liz doesn't need any help because she was a former Avon sales person. 

Let us not forget hair as part of our overall appearance and there is a definite reason most all cis women spend so much time, effort and money on their hair during a lifetime. As an example, all the responses I received from my post on wigs. Easily one of the most well received posts I have ever received, thanks to you all!

Speaking (or writing) of people writing in and commenting which is a relative rarity compared to how many "hits" or visits I receive. Even rarer is when I receive a comment who does live, or has visited  the metro Cincinnati, Ohio area. Take this comment from Velma for example on the post I wrote on "toxic masculinity." 

FYI, the "Nati" is another term for the city of Cincinnati where I live. It is also known as the "Queen City." Another slang term which once was  used was "Hamil-tucky" which refers to our border with Northern Kentucky. With all the recent development in the metro area, the term is becoming very outmoded. .Before I regress any farther here is Velma's comment:

" I was compelled to write after I read your profile and found you lived in Hamil-Tucky County, Ohio.My sister used to live there, and I LIKE Cinci, but, yeah, I have seen THAT side of The Queen(?-really-?) City.

I have seen plenty of same here in NC. Here we gots 'Carolina Squat' pickups.
Too many men merely mimic their best idea of what the image of MASCULINITY is, appearance wise, rather than being who they truly are.

It seems that these men are simply posturing to each other to 'gain rank/standing inside their work group.
And, the PAYOFF IS......?
As the saying goes:
"All HAT and no cattle".
Or, how's about:
'everyone is transmitting machismo, but no one has remembered to turn on the receiver.
The question begs it self: Are the women paying attention to such image and posturing?
Doubtful."

Thanks Velma! Your comment brings up a great point, by having the biggest pickup truck are men dressing for other men? Well yes they are! I agree with you Velma, most women don't get the connection. A comment for another post.

Also thanks to "Medium" for the award!

  

Jury Duty and the "Big O"

 Overall I lead a very boring life. On occasion it seems I just sit around writing waiting for something remotely different to happen. This week  I hit the jackpot for all the right and wrong reasons. Plus, I am 72 and retired.  Now the wrong reason. 

Two days ago, my partner Liz's son tested positive for the Omicron Covid 19 virus. Even though he had been vaccinated twice. Because of his age (24) and vaccination history, we hope his recovery is swift and does not spread to Liz and I. Plus, both of us have been vaccinated twice plus have been boostered. Either way I am now in quarantine for a least five days.

Then out of nowhere came a jury duty summons. In my entire life I believe I have only been summoned twice and never was required to serve. The only problem I have with doing it now is how bad my lower back is now. Sitting in any chair for much more than a hour is torture. I have been considering applying for an Ohio handicapped permit but my pride/ego has stopped me from going ahead with the process. Clouding the problem now is I am being assigned a new primary provider (family doctor) at the Veterans Administration. So now I am required to complete the process with somebody new. 

Also I was lucky. I went on the court's website this morning and learned the county was cancelling most all of the lower level court cases due to the pandemic and my participation wasn't required, for now. For obvious reasons I need to point out my hesitation to serve was only due to physical reasons and had nothing to do with me being transgender. In fact, as regular reader Paula once wrote in a comment, being transgender is only a part of who we are. We are so much more and so complex.

Putting all the negatives aside, this is a huge week around the Cincinnati,Ohio area and beyond as the Cincinnati Bengals football team attempts to win its first NFL playoff game in thirty one years. I am proud to say, my friend Connie out in Seattle will be rooting for the Bengals. Back in my dim past when Cincinnati was actually in the Super Bowl I actually broke a small bone in my foot celebrating a touchdown return during the game. It was difficult explaining why I was on crutches the next day to my bosses. 

So, as you can tell, my week finally shaped up to at the least be a bit different.  

Sports Crazy

 Recently I wrote a post called "Baggage" which questioned my desire to bring my love of sports with me as I transitioned into my life as a full time transgender woman. To make a long story or post short I concluded I could because as I looked around I discovered many other cis women who follow sports. I was thrilled when I found several other women friends who I could share a game in a sports bar with, along with a beer (or two, or three...) 

Photo courtesy of Paula

I also received a couple of other comments from regular readers who shared their sporting experiences. The first is from Paula in the UK:

"My sporting passion is Rugby, I used to play before there was a women's game, so when I start pontificating about a game I often get the "what do you know about it anyway" attitude from guys. Sometimes I fail to resist the temptation to tell them I played in the front row for nearly 30 years!

I've only been to a couple of big games since transitioning, one of the joys is these are at least one of the rare occasions when I'm not the one queuing up for the loo!"

The second comes from Connie :

"I’ve not changed my lifestyle much, at all, since the onset of my transition. I enjoy sports, just as I always have, and I’m not ashamed of sharing my sports knowledge with anybody. There are plenty of women who know more than I do, so I don’t feel any less feminine for sharing what I know. I do, however, usually refrain from adding my war stories from playing high school football to the discussion (even if they might be perceived to be first-hand expertise on the subject at hand). I don’t enter into these discussions in a competitive way, as I might have done in the past. I’m so relieved that I’m not expected to prove myself on such matters these days.

Photo Courtesy Connie Malone

My wife had grown to enjoy sports over the years, and so we continue to watch football and baseball together. I’ve even enjoyed watching figure skating with her without feigning disinterest (as I used to do). I always get a little chuckle, recalling my official “coming out” to her:
My dysphoria had gotten the best of me, and I’d reached the point of finding my male life intolerable. I had locked myself in my basement office for two full days, and my wife had had enough of it. She left the house that Saturday morning, and, having heard her go out the door, I felt it safe to come out from hiding. The letter she’d left for me on the kitchen counter was an ultimatum, and I knew that I had to finally confront her. She knew what I had been doing (cross dressing), but she didn’t understand anything about it (I can tell you that explaining the X’s and O’s of football is easier than explaining the XX and XY of gender identity). So, I responded to her letter with a short note stating that I could only be completely honest with her, and that I had to do so as the woman she’d never seen or met. I then went about the business of cleaning myself up as preparation for her return home (she hadn’t taken the large suitcase, so I knew she’d be back before the weekend was over).

When my wife came home on Sunday afternoon, I was in the bathroom finishing my makeup. After she’d read my note, she asked me, through the door, if I was coming out of the bathroom soon. I said back that I would be out soon, and asked if it were OK that I did so in complete honesty. She answered, “Yes,” and then turned the TV on to watch the NFL playoff game. When I appeared to her, it was as if nothing was really different. I knew that she was playing it cool, and she wasn’t about to give me the satisfaction of receiving a big reaction to my big reveal. As I began to try to explain myself, she seemed to be distracted by the game on the TV. I finally said that I would just wait until half-time to try to talk to her, since the game seemed to be more interesting than what I had to say (a little passive-aggressive on both our parts). I then proceeded to prepare some nachos and a batch of Margaritas. By the time the second half of the game began, I’d made her understand that I had to live as a woman, and that I would never hide from her again. She made it clear to me that she was not a Lesbian. Then we both enjoyed the game together, just as we always had done before. I think that the Margaritas helped a lot, even if the second blender-full didn’t lead to a sexual encounter (as it might well have done in the past). :-)"

Thank you both for the enlightening comments! As I have written about in the past, and will in the future my very scary yet thrilling trip to a Monday night pro football game here in Cincinnati as a woman. Since enthusiasm is building to a fever pitch around here for the big Bengals/Raiders pro football Saturday, I have decided to save the post as we get closer to the game on Saturday.