It's Mammogram Day

 

JJ Hart, image from Columbus, Ohio.

Once a year, my doctor puts in a request for a mammogram screening for me. Mainly because breast cancer runs in the family. My maternal grandmother died of it back in the 1950's when I was quite young. 

If you have never experienced a mammogram, there is some minor discomfort involved but nothing major. In fact, I consider the whole procedure to be a rite of passage of sorts for me into my own transgender womanhood .Even though I have a difficult remembering for sure, I think this is at least my sixth or seventh mammogram. So by now, I have a very good idea of what I am facing. 

For the most part, I have been met with an inclusive caring staff and have had only only one experience with an unpleasant nurse who asked me vague questions about if I had any work done down below. Like it was any of her business one way or another. She was border line evil and happily I have never seen her again. Anymore questions like that and I would have had to report her.

I am going to a new, closer hospital today for the test and I will be interested to see how it goes. Plus it could be my last breast test because of my age. My Doctor said no one gets them anymore past the age of seventy five. So I guess when you get old, you are on your own. Regardless, I am hoping for a clear mammogram today since my blood work did not come back so good. I have an appointment with hematology coming up in mid November. Even though I want to worry about it, I am trying my best not to build any un-necessary bridges to jump off of before I need to. 

I know this is a short post but I need to get ready to go here fairly soon. It's a fairly rapid procedure, so I should have most of the results back today.  

The Glare

 

Image from Derek Story
on UnSplash

Last night for the first time in a very long time, I encountered the "Glare."

My wife Liz and I stopped at a fast food place to pick up hamburger sliders to take to her son's apartment for supper. As it turned out, the place was very busy and we needed to wait. Since the majority of the restaurant's business comes from the drive thru and we were ordering a large amount of food, we decided to go inside and order so we wouldn't hold up the drive thru line.

We soon found out coming inside didn't help us get our food any faster and we waited, waited and waited. Since my career was in the restaurant business and partially in fast food, I could see the crew was not loafing and trying their best to turn the orders out. So while the manager was being abused by others who called ahead, we waited patiently. 

While we waited, we did fill up our drink glasses from the self serve soft drink machine. Maybe I should have mentioned, I did not dress up at all for the occasion. wearing only leggings and a t-shirt with my hair pulled back and no makeup. So my expectations were low I would happen upon no one who would matter to me and I did not think I would be out of the car for any length of time anyhow. All was good until I turned around from the drink machine was confronted head on by the "Glare." All I saw across the mainly deserted dining room was this woman glaring at me. I met her glare and stared right back until she looked away. She never looked back, so I guess I won the battle of her wondering who I was at all. 

Then I began to think maybe her life was miserable to start with and here she was spending date night with her husband at a slider palace. Perhaps she was giving me that look because we were blocking her access to the drink machine. Whatever the case, we went on our separate ways. As I said, I hoped her evening would improve her disposition. However I knew the area of the county we were in and there are many many right winged rednecks, so I am always on my best behavior.

The sliders went to a good home at Liz's son's house and we watched a movie .

In other more positive news, I am awaiting news on my upcoming interview with a monthly state wide LGBTQ Ohio publication. It was set up by the Alzheimer's Association after they learned of my passion for quality elderly care especially when it comes to transgender patients. The interview went so well, the interviewer wanted to possibly interview my daughter also concerning her experiences with a transgender child. Since she is very private, I doubt if she follows through but we will see.

I also learned the date of the first LGBTQ support group meeting, it is August sixteenth and will be interesting how well attended it is. Sadly, previous meetings have been dominated by less than quiet transgender individuals. More than a few of them seemed to have mental issues which chased away some of the other gay or lesbian attendees. I am far from a trans elitist but I know when enough is enough when it comes to pointless conversation.  Or, at the least, the meetings exposed the differences in the so called close LGBTQ community when in fact we have little in common. You may ask why do I go?  I go to the support group meetings mainly out of curiosity to see if anything has changed, so again we shall see. Hope springs eternal. 

In the meantime, back to reality. Maybe someday my hope will spring eternal and I can go out into the public's eye without being but it is like my ex-sister in law who refused to leave the house without makeup. I should have learned from her and perhaps I wouldn't have to face the "Glare."

Exploring my Passions

Alzheimer's Pride Shirt.

Recently, I received a message from a statewide Ohio LGBTQ publication concerning my passion to help any way I can with the Alzheimer's Association. As I write about often, I serve on the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity council and look at it as a way I can pay back to the time when my Dad passed away from dementia. 

If I am chosen for an interview this coming Friday, I will be able to express my paranoia concerning what may happen to me if I contract the same disease my Dad did. Not only do I want to not lose all the work I put into living as my authentic feminine self, I certainly don't want to bring any extra pressure needlessly to my family care givers over my gender issues.  

Of course I hope the publication follows through on writing an article  about the impact of Alzheimer's on the aging transgender population which is largely invisible, I look at it as the least I can do.

On another outreach topic, I heard back from several readers on my post concerning doing LGBTQ or transgender support groups at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration hospital. Most of which pointed out their lack of real feedback from the group. I agree but point out having a LGBTQ group is often having a too wide of a base. For example, the average lesbian or gay person does not have the same lifestyle as a transgender person may have. In my opinion, it is why the groups I was a part of never maintained any critical mass of participants. 

Even still, I decided to join this new group which starts in August to see what happens. And to see if there are any new participants I don't know. Plus, I may get updates on those transgender women who had just started gender affirming hormones when I had saw them last. It would be interesting to see the changes which occurred. Often in these groups I don't say much and hope I can just serve as an example of transgender survival in the world. 

As with anything else, I will follow up with all of these upcoming happenings and keep you posted.

There is Always a Transition

 

Archive
image
Jessie Hart

In an expansion of yesterday's post, today, I am beginning a post on the extra transitions we go through in life. Many are relatable to everyday life, some are not. Everyone goes through changes or transitions. For example when and if they ever become parents.

My biggest transition came when I crossed the gender frontier from viewing myself as a cross dresser I could possibly live without to a fulltime life as a transgender woman. My transition also came along when I was negotiating raising a daughter, building my career and attempting to outrun myself. Life became very busy as I struggled to find myself. I resorted to therapy to try to balance my mental health. Along the therapy path, I was diagnosed with a Bipolar depression disorder to add on to my gender dysphoria which was dominating my life. Through medication I take to this day, I am able to control my depression and my gender dysphoria became much better when I finally decided to fully leave my gender closet. 

As I lived on, maybe I should have taken up the motto, "Later is Greater" as I took my time exploring the possibilities of living a totally femininized life. My excuse is I wanted to make sure I had it all right before I risked it all and left my male self behind. Eventually, I learned from all the trips I was making out the door of our house, doing the best I could to blend into the world as a woman, transgender or not. Then, another transition was facing me head on. It was the great leap from being an experimenter to being a doer or practitioner of being feminine. I took years of watching and learning to understand what my second wife was telling me when she said I didn't know anything about being a woman. Not only was she right, she did did her best to hold me back from learning what she was talking about. There was no way she wanted to show me much about what truly being a woman was all about. Instead, she persisted in calling me the "Pretty, pretty princess."

Her failure to help me just pushed me farther and farther towards my next transition which was a huge one. The more I settled on a feminine look and style I liked, people I previously didn't know began to recognize me and I was forced to begin to build a whole new life as a trans woman. Primarily it meant I needed to communicate with the world with tools which were totally foreign to me. Trying my best to develop a softer feminine sounding tone was a real challenge along with adjusting to a society of women where passive aggressive behavior was the rule. There were too many times I suffered when I didn't perceive exactly where the attack on me was coming from. Instead of usual male frontal attack I was used to, I needed to start watching my back. Communication with the world was a huge part of my next gender transition. 

After I thought I had the communication and appearance transitions down, seemingly there was another challenge awaiting me at every turn. Who knew it could be so difficult to cross the gender divide? I was often frustrated when the smallest details would trip me up, not to mention the big ones such as the ill advised use of water balloons as breast forms. The balloons worked well enough until one exploded on me one night in a venue I often went to. Fortunately, I was on my way to the woman's rest room when it happened and it was empty. I was able to clean up,  quietly finish my drink and leave with no one noticing me, I was wearing a loose fitting top so no one saw or mentioned the one breasted wet woman on her way out of the venue. Needless to say, my next investment was silicone breast forms. 

As I near my seventy fifth birthday. transitions are harder to come by yet more meaningful These days, I mostly just present as old. Plus, my ultimate paranoia of having to go to assisted living and having my gender attacked looms large. As I always say, I need to do my best not to dwell on the future and live in the present. 

None of us control the final transition, no matter how much money or power we have. It is up to any higher power you believe in to make it happen..   

Outreach Revisited

Trans Flag over Cincinnati City Hall.

This week has come and gone, along with  the two outreach events I had.  One was easier than the other. The first was our virtual meeting of the local Cincinnati Alzheimer's group I am a part of. 

The second was much more difficult for several different reasons. The first one was I needed to be there in person. Which meant I needed to navigate the congested area of the University of Cincinnati campus where the Transgender Wellness Clinic was being held. Of course, as predicted, the GPS on my phone wouldn't work, so I made several wrong turns along the way before I made it. 

Once I did manage to arrive, I received a warm welcome plus the closest parking spot available for the event. In fact, the walking distance to the elevators was very close and a welcome respite for the long, congested drive. 

Since the Wellness Clinic was held on a college campus, the crowd was predictably young. As far as the panel itself went, I was a little disappointed in that I was by far the elder of the group. I thought several others in my age category would volunteer to come but I learned they all turned down coming except for me. The organizer said they expressed fear when approached about coming. From that point onward, I made a point of me not having any fear of being seen in public and I am slowly but surely trying to get out more. No matter how stressful it may be. 

As far as questions went, most of them revolved on how times have changed since all the panel members came out of their gender closets. Even though, most of the other panelists were half my age, several of them came out approximately the same time I did, since they had the courage to follow their inner souls faster than I did. Since I have known several of them for years, the reunion was fun. Plus, there was quite a bit of good group interaction from the panel. Even better, was when I found out how many people listened to my introduction and picked up on the fact I am a transgender veteran and thanked me for my service. 

I left the panel feeling better about the world after urging the younger generation to stay politically active and fight all the negative political changes which are under court challenges here in Ohio. On the positive side also, the trans woman who invited me to the Wellness event also was able to raise the transgender flag over the Cincinnati City Hall.   

The trip home was predictably the same with me making the wrong turns and getting lost but somehow I found my way. Which might also describe my gender journey. Don't panic, just try to find another route and keep moving towards a goal. My only main problem I encountered was a huge interstate traffic jam caused by a bad accident. After I arrived home, I finally had a chance to look back with pride that I was included in such a wonderful event. 

Pictures were taken and if I see any, I will pass them along to all of you. 

Transgender Assimilation

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives...

This morning I went to the Veterans Administration local clinic to have my hearing checked and make an appointment in the future with my primary provider (family doctor). 

When I arrived, both waiting rooms were over half full, so I had no choice but to assimilate myself with the other people after I checked in with the receptionist. Ironically, in the past at this clinic was when I was blatantly mis-gendered by a woman who I don't think is no longer there. Even though I corrected her twice, she managed to call me sir three times. It was so bad, I almost filed an official complaint because the VA at the time was making a serious effort to discover how transgender veterans were being treated. I didn't and she is gone and this morning the receptionist did her job correctly. 

The next big step came when I was called back to the room where the hearing test was being administered. Since the three or four previous people (all men) in the waiting room, when they were called back, a "Mister" was attached to their name. Not to worry. This time, I was referred to by name with no gender marker. From then on the appointment went well. The audiologist was very nice and commented on how long and nice my hair looked. Plus, probably the best part was my hearing had not deteriorated much at all since it was checked two years ago. So for now, hearing aids are out. 

Since I went all out with my new makeup this morning to present my best face to the world, I hoped walking past a full waiting room on the way out would not present any problems. I also decided to wear a rather form fitting outfit consisting of a sweater and leggings. Rather unusual for the normal VA waiting room nearly full of men with very few women. So I was trying my best to not get clocked as anything other than an attractive woman out running her errands

My next in person visit has been scheduled for a week from now and it will be a much more serious deal. I am going to schedule having blood done for my psych meds as well as a possible decrease in my kidney function. Plus, I am having an possible skin issue with a spot on my forehead. Just guessing but they most likely have to have it checked. I suppose the whole deal is just part of being old.

Most of my advanced medical paranoia comes from when and if one of my doctors recommends I decrease my gender meds to help my blood work improve. I need to jump off that bridge when I come to it.

In the meantime, today went well for me as I was able to assimilate myself into the world as a transgender woman. I even was able to experience a little gender euphoria at the coffee shop I stopped at on the way home when I was treated with a big smile from the guy at the counter. Life is good.

As we all know, assimilation is so important for every transgender woman or trans man in todays often challenging political world. Often it takes us many years with our gender dysphoria to gather the confidence to become comfortable in our own gender skins. Undoubtedly a topic for another post.

Positive Out Reach

 

Today I am able to pursue one of my favorite past-times, explaining my main passion in life, which is trying to address problems with LGBTQ or primarily transgender folks facing problems with assisted living conditions. 

I am providing an interview for a publication here in Ohio called "The Buckeye Flame."  My input is a part of an overall effort by the Alzheimer's Association  to provide experiences from people affected by the extremely ugly and tragic disease.  As you may recall, my Dad passed away from Alzheimer's years ago and in his last days deteriorated so far he could only drink water. 

Personally, one of my biggest fears is being de-gendered in an as assisted living facility. Meaning, I will be forced back to my old unwanted male self. In many ways, it would be cruel and unusual punishment  to have come as far as I have come in life, then be forced back into my gender closet. 

Since I have been chosen to be part of several people speaking out about their experiences with the disease, I feel I need to take the opportunity to tell my story and for people to appreciate it. 

My opportunity to network my passion has come because I became part of the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity committee. Since my representation as a transgender woman is so rare, opportunities to speak out have become more common. 

Sadly, my chances to interact with others in the LGBTQ Veterans community have lessened with the departure of my longtime therapist who served as group leader or facilitator for group meetings where I could share my passions. 

All in all, it will be interesting to see how far this can go towards meeting my goal of letting as many people know as I can of the bad possibilities we face as we age.  

Virtual Outreach

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives.
Ohio River in background...

 Recently I experienced a busy day virtually on the old laptop.

First of all, I needed to go through the pre screening process for another colonoscopy. I just had one a year ago but the doctors removed a sizable polyp which fortunately turned out to be non cancerous. Even so, instead of waiting the usual three years between check ups I was scheduled for to come back in a year. If you are not familiar, colonoscopies are not the most pleasant procedures to go through but on the other hand, having intestinal cancer is a terrible alternative. 

I don't know how many of these procedures the Cincinnati Veteran's Administration hospital does a year but the woman doing the intake on the phone almost immediately said, I remember you. Being transgender I am used to being remembered. However, this is one of the times I would have preferred not to be remembered. The woman I was talking to on the phone possibly reacted at my often poor attempt to sound feminine on the phone. Part of my transition I am always working on. Hopefully this time, I won't be miss-gendered when I go in early January for the procedure as I was last time.

The second part of my virtual day occurred later on when I attended the monthly meeting of the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's diversity committee. As always the meeting was very gender affirming as the other four participants were all women. It's almost as if I was in another mini girls night out. Plus, I am a big believer in helping anyway I can with the association because years ago, my Dad passed from having Alzheimer's. When I approached them to do more, I was pleasantly surprised to learn the association already had some guidelines in place to deal with LGBTQ patients. However as we all know, being transgender presents more unique opportunities we have to encounter than the rest of the gay or lesbian community. 

One thing I have had to do (which I have been putting off), is write a short post for the Association's Facebook page. It should be noted several of the members have made it a point to go to several of the regional Prides this summer to help publicize what programs are offered to help those in need. So hopefully I will be just aiding in the process. 

I also write for the local transgender - cross dresser monthly newsletter and each time I encourage anyone else to wants to become involved a path to do it. So far, no one has come forward to volunteer which is no real surprise because so many members are still deep in their closets. On a wider scale, if you have ever been touched by Alzheimer's and have time to spare, seek out your local association and see if they have a diversity committee to volunteer with.

One thing with a virtual day is, I need to apply makeup and fix my hair which is always good. In addition to my virtual appointments recently, I also had another one a couple days ago when it was time for the Dayton, Ohio VA LGBTQ support group. I learned then my long time (ten years) therapist is leaving for another job. I was very sad because I have always looked up to her as one of the top three influencers in my life. It will be interesting to learn if anyone else will run the group. 

Now, for awhile, life will settle back down as Thanksgiving has now passed us by and it has occurred to me I have not written about my family experiences yet. Where does time go?

Doing the Right Thing

 

Image from this Thanksgiving 
and the Jessie Hart Archives

At the most successful restaurant management job I ever had in my life, the company's main training point was to do the right thing.

Early in my life, I felt dressing as a girl or woman in any way was not doing the right thing. I suffered tons of guilt as I embarked along what turned out to be a long winding gender road. At certain roadblocks I found I needed to do the right thing again and again. Early examples came along when I needed to learn to dress my age and begin to blend in with the world. Often, doing the right thing for my inner feminine self came during the times I was soundly rejected by the public and came home in tears.

Perhaps the next step came around when I needed I had to finally leave my love affair with my mirror and begin to let the public be my mirror. It turned out it was one of the best moves I had made to that point in my journey. The whole process forced me to communicate with the world as a novice transgender woman and prove to myself the path I was on was the right one and it was leading me past the idea I had entertained for years I was simply a weekend, part-time cross dresser. Mainly because I felt so natural when I was living as a trans woman. 

Undoubtedly, I was doing the right thing with my life but there were so many challenges ahead. The more gender doors which opened, the more doors were still closed to me. A prime example was until I totally committed to living as a woman, I couldn't secure my permission to go behind closed gender doors and play in the girls sandbox.

Finally I arrived at the point where I needed to decide if I would subject myself to life changing hormone replacement therapy. After much soul searching and securing a doctor's approval, I decided to stay on the femininization road I was on and keep going. By doing so I knew I would be giving up what was left of my old male life. All male privileges I fought so hard for were gone and I was still searching for any female privileges which were still to come. The important point is I was still exploring my gender world to make sure I was still doing the right thing. After all, it was a major move. 

Perhaps the final chapter of if I really did the right thing won't happen until my final chapters are written, How will I be treated if or when I have to be admitted to an assisted living  situation. And finally will I be mis-gendered when I pass away. My only younger brother as already said he will never refer to me as my new legal name so that is that. 

In anyone's' life, doing the right thing is often the most difficult road a person can take. Especially when your life involves being transgender.

Camera Ready?

Local Alzheimer's upcoming Schedule

 

Today is one of the rare days I have dual appointments with my Veterans Administration providers. 

To attend all my virtual VA appointments, I was sent a tablet which is only for VA use because my old lap top I use for blogging somehow did not work well enough for the system I was working with. Ironically, it seems to work well enough for other online or virtual appointments I have had with the Alzheimer's diversity committee I serve on, so I don't know what the problem is. Plus I have a virtual Zoom class coming up in a week or so with the Cincinnati Council on Aging, so hopefully my old lap top will hang in there.

Regardless, I always have to make myself look presentable as possible. At the least a fresh shave, eye makeup, and lipstick is a must along with brushing back my long hair. Sometimes, I tie my hair  all the way back. The issue I have with the tablet is it provides only a thumb size image to work with. Then again, the days my gender dysphoria is kicking in,  I don't really want to be seen anyhow. The tablet provides me with the next best thing. 

I need to point out also, the VA keeps very strict standards on how someone should look during the virtual visit. In fact, during one of the LGBT group sessions, one participant who decided to attend in a bikini received a call from the moderator and was told to change. Plus, I know for those of us who are under mental health care also, how you look goes into our file. Seems a bit radical to me but I of course don't set the rules. My guess is, if your provider sees your appearance dramatically slip, it is a warning sign.

Also coming up fairly soon will be my chance to make myself available for my yearly blood labs for my nurse practitioners who keep track of my overall health. I have an in person, local visit scheduled with one of them in October. Before then, I have another Alzheimer's diversity committee scheduled for the latter part of September. It is in person All of which have kept me on point when it comes to thinking ahead on my appearance. Already I have been thinking about what I am going to wear.

All in all, it doesn't seem possible time this year is flying by as fast as it is. All too soon it will be time for my birthday to have come and gone and then be time for my wife Liz's operations in late October. Time to quote my Mom again...Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.  

The Trans Process

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Archives

Even though I write often concerning wanting to be a girl over the hated boy I had no choice over, the process just wasn't that clear cut.

I mean I didn't wake up one morning thinking Hey! I want to be a girl instead of the boy I was made to be. It was a process. The whole deal was beginning a sixty year (plus) gender journey. The path began innocently I thought,  with explorations through my mom's clothes and makeup to see what I could fit into and how I could look. At many points on the path I needed to process which stop signs I would obey and which forks in the path I should follow. It is important to note, not all paths were successful and I needed to backtrack many times. In fact, some of the stop signs I ran resulted in dismal failures and I needed to gather myself, get back to my cross dressing drawing board and get back in the game.

Often I wonder why I tried so hard to trust the process and try even harder on key issues I was facing such as my presentation. The answer is actually fairly simple. When I pursued and trusted the transgender process at every turn, the more natural I felt. I somehow knew deep down I was on the right path even though I had made some mistakes when I followed it. 

One of the important points to note is, no one sees the trans process, they just see the end result. You will get no passion points from most people who were not present when you were struggling as a novice cross dresser with your appearance or how you walk or talk. They weren't there to see the tears you shed when you failed or to be much of a peer influencer when you failed in your mind. Fortunately, the world has changed slightly in our favor with plenty of makeup tutorials and even entire chains of makeup stores to help us all survive in the world. But even still, all they see is you. No matter if the final product is the final product at all.

The disconcerting fact concerning the trans process is, it never seems to give up. Even in the final stages of our lives we face severe challenges to simply living as our authentic selves. Examples include being forced into a non forgiving assisted care living facility. As we know, it only takes one uncaring care giver to make a life miserable for an LGBT person. This extends all the way until death when gender bigoted family members refuse to honor our final gender wishes.

I suppose the most positive way to look at a lifetime of following the trans process is...at least it was never boring. All the times I was excited, yet petrified to follow my path will go down as some of the best and worst times of my life. 

Even though I have often questioned why I was somehow chosen to live as a transgender woman. Deep down I knew I had no choice.

Working with the Public

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSsplash

This week I have had several occasions to do a bit of out reach in the community.

One was a meeting I went to for the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. I serve on the diversity council and yesterday was my second meeting. During the meeting I told them I was able to write an article for the support group (transgender and cross dresser) concerning my activities on the diversity council. Plus, I also invited any other interested members in the group a chance to participate. And, to increase the reach of my blog, I am sharing one post a month to the group's membership publication.  

During the meeting yesterday I was surprised with the question of just exactly what was the function of the support group I am representing. Since I was caught off guard, I needed to explain to civilians the group provided a connection for transgender women and men as well as cross dressers who are mostly in the closet. I tried to condense my reply so that everyone could understand. In the process, I also used an example from my own family about a recent encounter I had with an VA insurance sales person.

It all started during a virtual meeting with the representative who never questioned my gender. By not outing myself as transgender, I unknowingly set her up for failure when she overstepped her boundaries and called my daughter because she is named as a beneficiary. In my defense, I saw no reason for her to call her at all but she did. The problem arose when the insurance person referred to me as "he" twice. For insurance purposes, since I have had no surgeries, I still am a "he" but not to my daughter. My daughter is especially sensitive to gender pronouns because she has a transgender child of her own and is a fierce ally. What eventually happened was I called the woman and asked her what exactly was she doing calling my daughter anyhow and I was transgender. Naturally, since she is trying to sell me something, she profusely apologized and maybe learned a gender lesson. 

For the group, I tried to keep my explanation brief and impactful so they could understand a little of the family dynamics which can extend into elderly care. Especially when it comes to Alzheimer's. I have been reassured the larger group has guidelines for treatment of the LGBT community but as we all know, the "T" can get lost in the overall shuffle. So maybe I can be a voice in the darkness for change.

The other outreach meeting I have this week is meeting six of my Veterans Administration group virtual LGBTQ get together. Once you join, participation is mandatory and is for the entire LGBT community so we have the full range of individuals from transgender to gay men to lesbian women. It makes for an interesting discussion at times when we all discover we share many of the same problems when it comes to dealing with the public and the VA. 

My overall goal of participating in both groups is to improve my outreach skills and do a very small part to help us all.

Gender Rebuild

 

Once you make the determination you are going to cross the gender frontier as live as a transgender woman or trans man, the clock begins to move forward on a total reconstruction process.

Of course the first things you have to do is to rebuild your appearance to come as close as you can to present correctly in the world. I write often how the process was often a painful one for me as a tried to work my way out of my so-called teen aged cross dressing or transvestite years. I was dressing to what I thought my male self wanted me to look like. Instead of a more realistic version from my feminine side. As I exited the difficult appearance years, it was time to take my rebuild further and begin to interact more completely in the world as a transgender woman.

It all meant, the public was crushing in on me and I was forced into moving my old male self into the background and beginning to learn the basics of communicating in the world as a woman. The differences were at once shocking but soon became easy to understand.  My rebuild had started in earnest as men steered clear of me for the most part while women mostly were curious why I wanted to play in their sandbox. The gender testing program was often intense but I just needed to succeed.

As I tested out, my rebuild continued as I needed to put the image I so admired in the mirror all those years into actual motion. How I walked, talked and even ate became my focus as a novice transgender woman. It took awhile before it all became a habit and it was difficult to reverse my gains when I had to go back to living as a man. Slowly but surely he faded into my past and I was able to rebuild even further towards my gender future. 

As I moved closer and closer to going full time as a trans woman, the most amazing thing happened. I was seemingly making less and less effort to live. Now I believe my inner feminine self saw her chance to finally live in the daylight and took over. When she did, it was like I always was meant to live the new way and to let her handle it. What I didn't know was, there was going to be a bit of pressure or thought which had to go into it. The main question was, what kind of new person did I want to be? Quoting my wife Liz, very few humans have the opportunity to rebuild their lives and start over. I took that seriously and decided I should take the second chance and try to be a good person, Of course being a good person is often tough to live up to but at the least I try.

I also try to keep any remaining pieces of my lifetime of rebuilding to an end. Ironically now as I enter the twi-light years of my life, I have to again attempt to safeguard what I have built. Or, how will I be received as a pre-opt transgender woman in an assisted care  facility.  It is a final process I try not to dwell on often. 

Gender Dysphoria

 

/Image from UnSplash

The confusion suffered when a person has a problem deciding which gender they are is often a cruel lifetime curse.

After all these years of living a reasonably successful life as a fulltime transgender woman, when I look in the mirror in the morning and really anytime, I still see a man looking back at me on occasion. Surely my hormone replacement therapy (or whatever it is called today) has aided in my transition but the problem just won't seem to go away.

It is about this time, when I am becoming discouraged concerning my appearance, I look at the reality of the situation. Which is, at the age of seventy three, there will be little more than I can do to insure the world sees me in a more feminine way. All those years of testosterone took it's toll. I do know also I could consider facial femininization surgery but the cost and pain just wouldn't be worth it. So, by my own choice I am stuck with what I see in the mirror.

Not too long ago I was watching one of my guilty pleasure reality talk shows when the host had on a beautiful transgender woman. Along the way during the interview she told the world she was thinking of having facial surgery which amazed the host and I. When he asked why, she said she still saw her old male self when she looked in the mirror. Sad but true.

It is my understanding too that growing up transgender does not automatically guarantee you will have suffered from any gender dysphoria at all. I found out the hard way years ago when I went to one of my transgender-transvestite support group meetings. I brought up my gender dysphoria issues and was quickly told by the moderator she had never suffered from the problem at all. She later went on to completing a gender realignment surgery so I have often wondered one of two things. The first, did she change her mind or two, did she even know what the term meant. Regardless, I learned my lesson and did not bring it up again. 

Regardless, I needed to find away to deal with my own gender dysphoria. After years of turmoil. I finally decided I didn't look as bad as a transgender woman or as good as the mirror sometimes told me I did. I just tried my best, as any cis woman does (on occasion) to look her best when she goes out into the public's eye. Presenting privilege's are so difficult to come by for any transgender person who is attempting to cross the gender border. Think of it this way, there are many cis-women who struggle to have any presenting privilege at all and supposedly the women had the benefit of growing up female. 

I am sure I will take my own gender dysphoria with me to my grave. My biggest paranoia is the dysphoria will not helped along by any assisted care facility I may find myself in.        

Acceptance

 

Image from Damir Kopezhanov
on UnSplash

Recently I attended my first Alzheimer's of Cincinnati diversity group session.  

There were five people including me and truthfully, they were not very diverse. The group included one African American, one Jewish woman with her daughter and a couple of other women. I didn't enter the group looking for much more, in fact, I didn't know what to expect. The only thing I didn't want to happen was for anyone to disrespect me by using the wrong pronouns. It was new for me because I was the one seemingly adding most of the diversity. 

 The meeting went smoothly with me being responded to as "she". Where it will go from here will be interesting also. The moderator was pressing me to "recruit" other members of the "Crossport" transgender-transvestite organization of which I am a part of. I told her it would be easier said than done because even though the group is fairly large, the over- whelming largest portion of the members are still firmly in the closet. 

I wonder too, when the monthly diversity meeting in two months will be held in person, will anyone have a different reaction to me. I wouldn't think so but sometimes my gender dysphoria just gets a chance to work overtime. The next  meeting in August  will be virtual too. So it won't be until September until I meet everyone in person,  so I will have plenty of time to worry about it. 

Anyway you cut it, acceptance is nice. Especially when I have another chance to be out on the world as a proud (sometimes confident) transgender woman. My goal is to become an outreach person who has information about where to go for elderly care assistance in the area. So even though, a person's parent my not be LGBTQ+, I still will be able to relay any information I may have when it comes to Alzheimer's Elderly care of any type. 

Now, coming up next will be my third (out of ten) virtual meetups with the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration. They are trying their own outreach to LGBTQA+ veterans within their system. I am particularly wanting to provide feedback because of the initial failings I encountered when I first came out years ago. I will say now, in their (the VA's) dealings with me I have seen a noticeable improvement in many areas and I don't feel so much as a "trail blazer" like I did when I first entered the VA system. 

With both personal attempts to do more with the public to help others struggling with their gender issues, I will be paying forward the good karma I will need in the future. 

Set Back to Come Back

Tom on Left with the Author
at a Witches Ball. From the 
Jessie Hart Archive

I have always rooted mainly for the underdog in most things I follow. Especially in sports. Nothing is as thrilling to me as seeing an underdog come back and win. Unless it is against one of my teams.

Lately, as we approach and go by the Fourth of July, there are no more visible underdogs these days as the transgender population. We are easy pickings or low hanging fruit for many politicians who have chosen not to know us at all. Then seek to gain votes by using lies against us. We are even still the weakest link in the LGBTQA+ field because of many reasons.  Primarily because we do not have the economic clout of the gay community. 

However, I didn't want to write a political post today, because you regulars (thank you) know where I stand on the subject of a certain political party which peddles hate of all kinds rather than offer any constructive legislation. Here in Ohio, where I live, they are even leading the charge to change any amendments to the state constitution away from a simple majority just ahead of a vote on abortion this fall. Needless to say, I will be voting no on the issue (one )to keep changes as a simple majority.  

Other than our rights taken away from us, I have other reasons to have rooted for the underdog in my life. The biggest one for me was facing up to the fact I was transgender at all. I took many years of gender experimentation to realize I was deep down a woman all the time just trying to act like a man. It finally took my wife Liz years ago to kick me over the cliff for the final time. I discarded all my male clothes, began hormone replacement therapy and never looked back on my old unwanted male lifestyle. Little did I know ten years ago, the amount of potential hate I could be facing today. Like it or not, I need to beware of my surroundings more than any other woman.

During the period of my life when I was making many mistakes with my presentation it made it more difficult for me to navigate the world as my authentic self or transgender woman. As I said, I still needed to make the final determination I was trans to begin with and what did it mean to me. I was fortunate enough to be just stubborn enough to keep trying when I was rejected as a transgender woman. Plus I found friends who helped me along. They helped me to come back strong when I was set back. Being the underdog they were rooting for, I needed to make sure I was worthy of their attention by doing my best to become a quality person. During that time, I became quite the gender "observer."

These days, as I have written,  I am trying to do more in the transgender community as far as out reach goes. In fact, in addition to the Alzheimer's committee I am going to serve on which spot lights diversity, I signed up for another Veteran's Administration group yesterday which will spotlight VA trans veteran care. My goals for participating in both are if I can help anyone who comes after me, it will be worth it. I don't want them to suffer the setbacks I did.

My setbacks were many and varied and can be turned into comebacks if I can help others in any way from my experiences. I just hope I can.  

 

Invited Diversity

Image from Danie Franco
on UnSplash

Recently I posted concerning my upcoming invitation to become apart of the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association as some sort of a LGBTQ volunteer. 

More precisely I wanted to become an advocate for anyone facing the terror of Alzheimer's or Dementia memory loss during their life. Much of my passion for advocating comes from my own Dad passing from a very sad and ugly case of Dementia years ago. I figured if I somehow could help one person cope in the future, my effort would be worth it.

As I suspected, since volunteers are becoming rarer and rarer to come by these days, I was received with open arms. In fact, the person I "interviewed" with said I was a "needle in a haystack". Meaning it was becoming so difficult to locate anyone willing to give anytime at all to give time to the Alzheimer's Association. The Association does have a diversity committee but it is down to only three members with one wanting to leave. Plus, there are no transgender or LGBTQ members on the committee. Regardless of my expertise I am rare and thus the proverbial needle in the haystack.

What I was very much pleased to learn was the Alzheimer's Association already has an outreach program for LGBTQ patients. However what we transgender women and trans men know, much of the outreach doesn't extend to the transgender community. As I pointed out to the woman who interviewed me, the biggest thing I was paranoid about is if or when I need assisted living care, my gender is effectively taken away from me. That was the point when the person I was talking to told me the association provides extra assistance. Not that I doubt that but I again would feel blessed if I can provide an example to an accepting transgender family struggling with the tragedy of memory loss.

My starting point will be an initial diversity committee meeting coming up later in July. It will be interesting to see how I am accepted by the remainder of the super small committee whose diversity consists of race or national backgrounds. So I will be the first LGBTQ member and even more important the first transgender member. 

So far, the process went fairly smooth with the interviewer. She only mis gendered me once after immediately asking for my preferred pronouns. Of course she quickly profusely apologized but the damage was already done. 

We went on, and I will go onto the committee to learn in my small way if I can make a difference with a huge tragic problem.        

No Assumptions

Liz on Left, Daughter on Right from
the Jessie Hart Collection 

Yesterday I was out and about as I went with my wife Liz to her doctors appointment. Since I had been there several times before, I assumed nothing would be much different and for the most part I would be invisible. In other words, I would be able to blend in with the world.

Except for an unexpected encounter with a delivery driver, nothing much did change. Once again I exchanged pleasantries on the weather with the very nice greeter/directions woman at the door while I waited for Liz to get signed in. I say nice because she normally says you ladies have a good day. Which is always music to my ears. The delivery driver was much different when he seemed genuinely shocked when we came face to face when he was picking up his hand truck to unload. Before he had a chance to react one way or another any further, the elevator door opened and away we went. So I never had the chance to see if he would have had any further reactions to meeting a real live transgender woman face to face. My assumption was he wouldn't.

The rest of the visit consisted of me being mainly ignored which was my assumption all along anyhow. I was satisfied with the fact I was able to blend in with the world. After all, I was just wearing a pair of jeans and my tie-dyed tank top with a peace sign and the slogan "Every Little Thing Gonna' Be Alright". Once again, a throw back to my old hippie/boho days. I love the way the tank top gently hugs my developing curves and shows off what I have worked so hard to earn with the help of my hormone replacement therapy. 

The only other personal contact of the day came later with the pizza delivery man. We have a very regular place we get delivery from and always request (and tip well) a certain driver when we can get him. Since he has seen me several times before without any makeup at all, I was happy for him to see me with a light application of eye makeup and lipstick which was essentially left over from our earlier trip out. As I assumed there was no extra feedback from him. He was pleasant and on his way. 

All in all, these days, assumptions are difficult to make with all the rising anti-transgender hate in the world which will extend sooner or later into the entire LGBTQ community. To counteract all of the possible hate, I try to act as if nothing at all is wrong with me. Which it isn't. In addition, I dress to blend and try to go to safe places. Even doing all of that, I still am always on guard for the person who may negatively question my right to gender freedoms as a transgender woman. 

To do all that I can, I was reached out to yesterday concerning the possibility of me participating on a local Alzheimer's board here in Cincinnati. I said I was interested for a couple of reasons. The first is I feel I need to become more active in the community again since I am beginning to feel better and secondly my Dad passed away from a very ugly battle with Dementia. I'm sure he would want me to get involved however I could to help. At least, it's my assumption. 

Assumptions are difficult anyway you look at them. Once you think you know something for sure, something comes along to change your mind. Hopefully for the better. 

Past, Present and Future

From the Jessie Hart Archives
The Ohio State Student Union with 
Brutus Buckeye

I know I write about my past experiences quite a bit but my excuse is I am old and allowed to. If you believe it or not it's my excuse and  I'm sticking to it. One thing I try not to do is dwell too much on the past to the point it effects my present. On the other hand, I find many of my readers who take the time to comment (thank you) share the number of years lived and similar experiences lived  as I have. Even more are very similar. Take the military for example. Since most of us who share the same age will agree, like it or not, the whole experience was a life altering time. Including what we were able to do concerning our gender issues.

In my case, the whole impact of losing three years of my life to serving my country did not impact me as much as what was going to become of my more than serious cross dressing urges. I couldn't imagine my drill sergeants in Army Basic Training would have approved of my favorite mini skirt or heels. On a serious note though, I learned several lessons in life from my gender dysphoria and the military. My biggest lesson learned from both was I could essentially make it through anything if I tried hard enough. In basic, for the first time in my life, I couldn't hide behind my skirts and use the excuse if I only was a girl, life would be better. Which might have been true but the problems would have still been there in a different form. 

The truth was the only unescapable fact that separated my past gender problems was my overwhelming jealousy women could not be drafted into the military and the burden of fighting all the wars and possibly dying fell upon the men. I learned the hard way in basic, to get over my problems and move on. Which was the best possible result which could have happened to me. I think too, my cross dressing-transgender past helped me to get by too. While it was true I couldn't sneak off and practice my feminine craft, I brought the idea with me that someday in the future, I would be free again to be as much of a girl as I wanted. 

Another part of the past which was really important to me was when my daughter was born. Little did I know how much she would force me to begin to settle my life down and be some sort of a father. An art form which I had little past knowledge of because for the most part, my Dad was very unapproachable. Even though my daughter was raised in two separate homes due to her Mother and I divorcing, later in life I found I must have done something right because my daughter grew in to having much of my spirit and also turned out to one of my main supporters during my gender transition. 

The problem is having the opportunity to learn from the past while still attempting to live the present in it's fullest.  Surely there are times I have a tendency to dwell on things I should have done differently in my life. Most certainly the possibility of transitioning earlier was one of them. Even though I know the world was vastly different. As the old saying goes, you can't cry over spilled milk and it quickly becomes useless to worry about the number of bridges you may inadvertently burned. It's a fact a long successful gender transition is better than never taking the chance to do it at all. I wonder how many tombstones in the cemetery would read "I wished I could have lived as my authentic self".  Which leads me to the future. Since I will be seventy four this year, I can see the end of the line and I worry about my health as well as the health of my loved ones. Then, of course what will become of me if I live long enough to find myself in an assisted care facility as a pre opt transgender woman. 

In the meantime, I do my best to honor the past, live in the present and plan for the future the best I can.

The Stairstep Method

 Probably there are as many ways to complete a gender transition as there are transgender women and

Image Courtesy
Darius Cotoi on UnSplash

trans men. We are like snowflakes, no one is alike. Over time I have thought I was everything from a gender rat in a maze to someone climbing a steep set of stairs. As it turned out, many of the steps were steeper than others. 

Very early my first steps were basically quick and painless. I snuck around and acquired a small collection of women's clothes, added some of my Mom's makeup and I thought I looked just like a cute girl. My time on this stairstep didn't last long because fairly quickly the realization came to me I just didn't want to look like a girl, I wanted to be one. A huge difference I didn't realize was the earliest precursor to living a transgender life. From the point forward I decided my time on the step would be limited and I climbed to the next step. 

The next step involved me finding a paper route and doing odd jobs around the house and neighborhood to earn my own money which would go towards buying and expanding my small feminine stash of clothes, makeup and even a pair of shoes. During the process I was scared to death to do my own shopping and couldn't believe the bewildering selections of especially makeup there were. Undeterred though I still shopped and finally achieved a level of success. The success would just encourage me to climb another step. By this time I was frustrated by two main things, the first was the fact I had no way to afford a nice wig and the second was I couldn't do my shopping cross-dressed as a girl. What happened was I needed to spend years on this stairstep before I could advance to the next one. 

The years I waited mainly was because of about this time I was waiting to see what the Vietnam War military draft would mean to me and yes the wait was hell. The wait nearly went on as that god forsaken war did and finally I was drafted out of college and chose the Army due to their offer of the job I was interested in. Little did I know, the lessons I learned in the military would serve me well in my life and encourage me to climb another very steep step. An example was the day we were on a very long and hilly forced march in basic and I learned to never look back and look forward to the future if I just kept pushing forward. Many of you regular readers know also during my time in the Army was when I first came out as a transvestite to a few close friends.

After I had successfully completed my military service, the steps appeared to be less steep and easier to climb. Encouraged by several very successful Halloween parties when I appeared as a feminine person, I found I could possibly climb the ultimate step and transition to a full time transgender woman. The problem was I soon tried to climb too many steps way too quickly and even had to retreat back a time or two and refocus on exactly what I was trying to do. Major decisions on sexuality, friends, spouses were just a few problems I had to face.  Plus, once I had climbed this many steps fairly successfully I had to decide if I wanted to take another giant step and begin hormone replacement therapy. Once I finally took the step I found HRT was one of the best steps I have ever taken in my life. Finally my inner soul had another chance to sync up with my testosterone poisoned exterior. 

All I can hope for at this time of my life for a good as possible health and a chance to pass on with dignity as my chosen authentic self. The final stairstep.