Luck or Destiny?

 

Image from Jan Tinneberg 
on UnSplash 
 

Is transitioning successfully across the gender frontier a matter of luck or destiny? 

I would argue a blend of both when it came to me. When I first started to explore the world as a novice transgender woman, I knew very little of what I was doing. Primarily in how I was attempting to present myself in the world as a woman. I was wearing what no other women would think of wearing as my male ego was sending me false messages. During this learning time in my life, I was lucky I only was laughed at or stared at. Sometimes I am surprised someone did not sneak up on me and attempt to pull my wig off.

No one did and I moved on finally learning how to better blend into the feminine world I was seeking to be a part of. Maybe, destiny was on my side for a change and even in my darkest hours of being a rejected transgender woman, I always thought there would be a future. So I pursued the sliver of hope I felt when I cross dressed and went out into the world. Just the smallest amount of gender euphoria kept me going towards my gender dreams. 

It took awhile of finally being lucky and being at the right place at the right time, when I started to actually began to build confidence in what I was attempting to do with my gender. Maybe I could put all those self doubts behind me and carve out a new life as a transgender woman. In some sort of a deep dark way in my mind, destiny was still pushing me forward. Especially in the times when I was out doing Christmas shopping for my wife as a woman and taking the time to enjoy all the holiday decorations in a way I had never had before. In fact, as my male self, I always wondered if I would feel any different with the decorations if I could ever view them as a transgender woman. My answer was a resounding yes, I could.

Luck and destiny did not end with holiday celebrations as I was just learning how to adjust to my new feminine life. Destiny showed me what it would be like when I began to lose my white, male privileges. The first time I obviously felt I was losing my intelligence stands out when I was mansplained over the simplest of topics as well I was shocked when I lost the personal security men enjoy. It was probably more luck than destiny which led me through unscathed and wiser. 

It wasn't until much later in life did I realize I was always destined to lead a feminine life. All my lucky escapes and experiences had combined to guide me ahead to my goal which sometimes I fought completely from happening. I did not know how much destiny was guiding my life. So much so, it was like a huge cloud lifted after tragedy of my second wife's passing. Suddenly I was free to pursue any gender life I wanted. At the same time, the US Veterans Administration health care system I was part of began to administer gender affirming hormones to veterans such as me.   And finally I was close enough to retirement age, I would not have to worry about working as a trans woman to support myself when I transitioned. 

There was no luck involved. Suddenly destiny had opened its door wide and showed me the path forward to a new feminine life I gad only dreamed of. All I needed to do was take the opportunity and run with it. 

Down but Not Out

 

First Girl's Night Out.
I am on the bottom row, left.

There have been many times during my transgender journey which I have felt down.

However, a little voice in my head kept telling me to keep going and if I did, I could achieve my dream of living a feminine life.  I write many times (mainly for those of you who are still new to the transgender or cross dressing world) how I was ridiculed intensely when I first tried to explore the public as a woman. After being laughed at, I always headed home in a hurry and tried to go back to the drawing board to try to determine what I was doing wrong. It took me awhile to figure out I needed to get past my male ego of what a woman should look like and into blending in with the rest of the female world. The mirror and my head turned out to be powerful opponents. 

I need to stress, it took me years of being down to turn my learning curve the opposite way and turn my frown into a smile when I was out in the world. Along the way, I needed to adjust my thinking on how I was accepted. I needed to realize I would never be the most attractive woman in the room and begin to fall back on my personality to get along. I was transgender and different but so what I was a good person. When I accomplished being at the least friendly to others, I began to be accepted into small groups of acquaintances who accepted me for my true self. In one of the venues I became a regular in, I have vibrant memories of a group of five diverse women and even a few men who I could set in with and have a beverage. 

It all proved to me I was resilient and could survive most things, including my growth as a transgender woman. Even though life was about ready to deal me several severe setbacks I was not expecting, I could make it. 

When life did hit me with setbacks, they were sledgehammer type blows. It seemed life was fond of giving me setbacks such as my wife passing away along with most of my best friends. It nearly finished me off when I had to close my restaurant I worked so hard to buy. More or less, I was left with my house, two dogs and an old car to re-erect my life. 

The old saying the darkest hour was right before the dawn was true for me  I was down but I had one huge card up my favorite blouse's sleeve. Since I was so far down why not start all over again as my dream self. My inner female had always been strong enough  to fight for her existence, so why no let her have it. Karma was on my side also, as it was about this time the Veterans Administration  health care system which I was already a part of suddenly approved the use of gender affirming hormones for transgender veterans. I only needed approval from a VA therapist to start the program. It turned out I was with Dr. C. my therapist for over ten years and she worked miracles for me.

Maybe it was because I was able to outlive a suicide attempt and years of self destructive behavior that I was able to come full circle in my life and end up on my heels. I was down but not out and discovered people in the world who could and would step up to accept me as my authentic self. Even though I needed to make the effort first. Which for me was very difficult. In the end, the whole process made me a better person.

Camera Ready?

Local Alzheimer's upcoming Schedule

 

Today is one of the rare days I have dual appointments with my Veterans Administration providers. 

To attend all my virtual VA appointments, I was sent a tablet which is only for VA use because my old lap top I use for blogging somehow did not work well enough for the system I was working with. Ironically, it seems to work well enough for other online or virtual appointments I have had with the Alzheimer's diversity committee I serve on, so I don't know what the problem is. Plus I have a virtual Zoom class coming up in a week or so with the Cincinnati Council on Aging, so hopefully my old lap top will hang in there.

Regardless, I always have to make myself look presentable as possible. At the least a fresh shave, eye makeup, and lipstick is a must along with brushing back my long hair. Sometimes, I tie my hair  all the way back. The issue I have with the tablet is it provides only a thumb size image to work with. Then again, the days my gender dysphoria is kicking in,  I don't really want to be seen anyhow. The tablet provides me with the next best thing. 

I need to point out also, the VA keeps very strict standards on how someone should look during the virtual visit. In fact, during one of the LGBT group sessions, one participant who decided to attend in a bikini received a call from the moderator and was told to change. Plus, I know for those of us who are under mental health care also, how you look goes into our file. Seems a bit radical to me but I of course don't set the rules. My guess is, if your provider sees your appearance dramatically slip, it is a warning sign.

Also coming up fairly soon will be my chance to make myself available for my yearly blood labs for my nurse practitioners who keep track of my overall health. I have an in person, local visit scheduled with one of them in October. Before then, I have another Alzheimer's diversity committee scheduled for the latter part of September. It is in person All of which have kept me on point when it comes to thinking ahead on my appearance. Already I have been thinking about what I am going to wear.

All in all, it doesn't seem possible time this year is flying by as fast as it is. All too soon it will be time for my birthday to have come and gone and then be time for my wife Liz's operations in late October. Time to quote my Mom again...Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.  

Vocal Transgender Presentations

Photo from the Jessie
Hart Archives.

 As  most of you know, I am a transgender veteran. This morning I went to the Veterans Administration local clinic to have them take blood for my latest upcoming appointments. Not so long ago, at the same clinic  I seemingly always faced someone who would mis-gender me. I was always infuriated and dejected for two reasons. The first of which I was not presenting well enough as a woman to get by and/or why should it all be on me and my transgender status to be accepted. It became up to the VA. 

I said exactly that to anyone who would listen at the VA. At least in the clinic I go to someone seemingly listened because the clinic has not mis-gendered me once in the last couple of times I have been there. Plus, others in the system have taken the pronoun usage such as "Sir" out of their vocabulary all together. 

Furthermore, this morning my voice once again had a chance to play a bigger role in my presentation because the clinic is still requiring facial masks to get in and be looked at. So, it was up to my voice to carry the day since most of my face was covered up. As far as my voice is concerned, I feel at it's best, it's borderline feminine. In my past I have taken vocal lessons to improve my voices feminine qualities and I do my best to remember what I was taught. It was an easy fix this morning because my technician was so chatty to begin with and started out the conversation with the proper pronouns. I didn't have to do anything but give my blood for the lab tests and I was free to use the exit through the waiting room so everyone could look at me. 

This morning, no one barely raised their head to look at me which is a good thing. So I removed my mask and headed back out to my car through the heavy rain we have been having. But...

Overall I still need to work harder on my voice. One of these days I am going to have to gather my courage to talk to my wife Liz about what she thinks about it. I look at the whole vocal process as putting on the finishing touches to any feminine gender presentation. It's a shame when we transgender women work so hard on our appearance from head to toe, to have it all destroyed when we open our mouths. I know there are many inexpensive tutorials around on line to improve vocal presentations. Many have to do with inflection and how you form your voice in your upper body. My training came through the VA and was very helpful in a short period. 

As with seemingly anything else these days, there are ways around any problem on the internet. I will probably seek out more help when and if I begin interacting with the public more. It's called having your voice and using it too.

The Name Game

 I received several responses to my post about attending a virtual seminar on wills, trusts and end of life options. Two mentioned what a person could go through if their life insurance policies needed to be corrected if the insurance does not reflect a legal name change.  

At that point my mind began to wander back to the days when I was legally changing my gender markers, or name. I can't speak for many of you but I went through many different feminine names before I sat down with my daughter and came up with an agreed upon name which would be easy for the three grandkids to use. 

After quite a bit of thought, I decided to choose a name which reflected pride in the family. I decided to use my maternal grandfather's name and femininize it slightly. From Jesse to Jessie. Perhaps the more interesting choice came when I chose my middle name, Jeanne. Jeanne was my Mom's name. As you may, or may not remember she had no understanding of what I was trying to tell her when I told her I was a transvestite way back when I finished my military duty. When the new name was all said and done, the grandkids could call be "J.J.".  Even though my Mom didn't accept me, I decided to still honor her by using her name. After all, without her perseverance I wouldn't be here today.

From the Jessie Hart Collection

As it turned out, the name choice was the easy part. I had to set out to secure approval by the local legal entities. Where I lived, I needed to pay to put a classified ad in the newspaper informing anyone who cared what I was up to. Locally, the process was fairly non expensive, around fifty dollars. After thirty days, I needed to appear before a local judge to have the name change approved. At that point I considered the process could become a little tricky because I knew the judge to be very conservative. However, all my worries were baseless and he quickly signed off on my new name. After the papers were signed, it was a fairly easy process to have my social security name changed as well as my driver's license updated to a new "F" under gender. 

In my case, since I have chosen to be under the Veteran's Association health care, I needed to and couldn't wait to have my name change and gender updated on certain VA forms I dealt with on a regular basis. It was at that point my VA therapist jumped in and provided me with all the necessary paperwork I needed to make sure I could accomplish what I needed to do in a timely matter. Which can be a factor when one deals with the VA. 

What I haven't done yet is take advantage of the relatively new ruling in my native State of Ohio regarding the changing of gender on a birth certificate. By nature I am a procrastinator so I am just  going to make it a priority.

All of this brings me full circle back to the two small life insurance policies I have. I know for a fact one says I am male and the other says I am female. At some point in time I am going to have to get the one resolved. Or maybe both. The entire process proves once again how being transgender is a lifetime process and one which is so complex. As soon as I have more information, I will be sure to share it with you. In the meantime:

The " name game" is just a facet of the whole transgender experience. 

Big Change in the VA?

 I recently received a comment from a fellow transgender veteran Michelle concerning the Veterans Administrations recent announcement they (the VA) would start supporting gender realignment surgeries.

I am a bit slow in sharing this as referenced in this post from the "Orlando Weekly":

" During a Pride event in Orlando over the weekend, the head of the US Department of Veterans Affairs announced that VA hospitals would begin working on a program to provide gender-affirming surgeries to veterans.

Secretary Denis McDonough said he was starting a two-year-long process that would equip VA hospitals with the training to provide surgery to transgender veterans, calling the move "the right thing to do."

Needless to say, this is exciting news for trans vets everywhere!

Thanks Michelle. 

Gift Package

Well. after a year's wait to get my Estradiol meds increased, my new patches came in approximately five days through the mail. There are several different methods of taking the meds.

You can take them by swallowing pills, taking shots or by applying stick on patches.  My endocrinologist prefers the patch method due to possible blood clot issues. I know from talking to other transgender women, the other methods are preferred too. For many different reasons. Plus, I have to take the good and the bad in the Veterans Administration medical system.  Obviously, the good is that it is free. The bad is that normally you are restricted in what the VA provides as far as hormone replacement therapy goes. An example is progesterone.

Progesterone as an additional hormone has never been mentioned to me. In the past, I have had some trans friends who took progesterone. One developed the annoying habit of lactating under her shirt while she was still dressing like a guy at work.

Believe me, I am not complaining. I understand my endocrinologist has always erred on the side of caution with me. I know, as well as she does, the threat of possible blood clots is always possible.

In fact, I had to go through several vascular and heart tests to even get approved for this increase.

I start the new patches on Tuesday and I am interested to see how it affects me. After all it's a 25%  increase.

We will see if it's enough to induce hot flashes again.

Back in the Day

I have always had problems with veterans who seemingly hit the peak of their lives during their time in the service.

Even though I have been fortunate enough to live a very full life, last night I found myself in the same spot.

Liz and I joined a mixture of cross dressers and a few transgender friends at a local steakhouse for dinner. Towards the end of the evening, the topic of traveling came up. Along the way, I mentioned to one of the cis-women I lived in Thailand for a year and was able to travel through three continents in three years when I was in the Army...Southeast Asia, Europe and North America (of course.) She was fascinated and didn't really question the why's and when's of why I was there.

At that point I began to feel guilty of acting like that period of my life was the highlight.

As I began to think about it though, it may have been. After all, I met my wife in Germany and she became the Mother of my only daughter. And, since I utilize the Veteran's Administration for my health care, including my gender transition meds, I have to include it too.

Either you could say my time in the service turned out to be one of the unexpected highlights of my life, or I made the best of a potentially very bad situation...serving directly in the Vietnam War.

However, unless I automatically want to out myself, I have to be careful about how I talk about my Army service. I have a tendency to tell the truth and say I was drafted. Of course then and now, women have not been drafted into the military. So I have concocted a story which is semi true, I worked as a contractor for the Army, since I worked for the Air Force for part of my enlistment.

It seems to work.

Sunday-Sunday

This weekend has been a return to the abstract called normalcy. Liz and I went back to doing the usual routine on Saturday.

Since The Ohio State Buckeyes played a noon game, the early part of our day was taking four hours to watch the Buckeyes take their football frustrations out on the Indiana Hoosiers.

To make up for all the fun, this week we added a fun trip to our storage shed to look for a few much needed old documents.

From there we went to a couple of stores with me still wearing my boot (for my fractured ankle) which I am very tired of. I am expecting a call from the VA to look at my ankle again this week. 

Through all of this, I marvel at the opportunity I have been given to live this transgender life I lead. Looking back, I remember the days when I felt intense pressure just walking into a store as my feminine self.

Now I worry about how my boot will affect how I walk.

Blue Skies?

For the first time in weeks, I am starting to feel better.

I am sure it helps that all my critical heart tests are coming back normal. Whatever normal may be for me. Of course I still have pulmonary, colon and the final (I hope) X=ray on my ankle to go.

I also had my two mental check ups the last two days. For once, I needed both of their help. It will be interesting to see if all the survey's and interviews I filled out with the VA are effective. I wasn't in the best state of mind when I did them.

Included in my conversation with my therapist was my unfortunate cross dresser ugly interaction.
Which Connie commented on:

 "Are you saying that, if you spent a whole lot of time worrying about what others think of you, you'd still be cross dressing, yourself? I remember having the revelation that I was cross dressing, but I had come to know that I wasn't a cross dresser. Had I continued to be afraid of what others would think of me, should I transition, I would have retreated back to the closet completely. There's nothing wrong with cross dressing, but it tends to lead to frustration, eventually, if one is not a cross dresser. It's like being a singer who is only allowed to lip-synch or, at best, nailing it at karaoke.

Hmm, maybe I have just pissed off a few cross dressers, myself."

I meant if I worried about transitioning as a transgender person into a feminine life as far as what others thought, I would have never done it. So, I agree with you, I would have found a closet that eventually would have killed me. 

As far as cross dressers, or anyone else goes, I try my best not to stereotype.  Which I guess I failed at miserably Saturday night.  This comes close to saying it all.

Up Close and Personal

All of a sudden, all my future appointments with the Veteran's Administration are coming due. For those of you who possibly don't know, I am a transgender vet and I get my health care through the VA.

Let me see now if I can remember everything they (VA) want to do. Sometime next week I need to have my ankle X-rayed and go through a colonoscopy pre screening on the telephone. They had no sense of humor when I asked if I could go through the whole thing on the phone.

Following all of that, the week of Labor Day, I have approximately four appointments. The first of which is a heart sonar test. Then I have three appointments up in Dayton, Ohio. One of which is in hematology blood work checkup and two mental health appointments.

To add insult to possible injury, I am still waiting to hear from the pulmonary lab who want to schedule another test on my lungs.

Hopefully, after all of this, nothing will be wrong.

But at the least, I am having it checked.

Thanks

Thanks to those of you who commented on my health issues.  The Doc's are checking my breathing this coming Thursday and I am still awaiting an appointment for extensive heart tests. It's a good thing I don't feel any worse than I do...I guess!

Actually, I am being a whiner. Outside of an occasional pain from my ankle, I don't feel bad at all. However I do know the risk HRT brings to a person in my age range and am ready to go through more tests.

On top of all of that, I still have had a busy week. Yesterday was a combined party for my grand kids at my daughter's mother in law's.  It went well and the Mother in Law managed not to mis-gender me through the whole party. Perhaps it was because I had my transgender feminine batteries recharged Friday when I went to my hair stylist. Quite frankly, I was feeling quite ragged before she worked her wonders on my hair. After she was done, I felt refreshed and ready to face the world again.

Monday night, I have another transgender-cross dresser support group meeting. Tuesday I have two appointments at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration. The first, a visit with my hematology Doc and the second, my monthly therapist appointment.

Wednesday I have a tag a long appointment with Liz to one of her Doc's. Which brings me back to Thursday and the breathing appointment.

It's a good thing I have a walking boot to protect my ankle!  I am supposed to get it  X-rayed again in two weeks.

One more thing...as I have mentioned before HRT and blood clots are nothing to play with. As Connie commented:

"I'm glad that you didn't have a blood clot. Those things can be very dangerous and life-threatening. I know; I've had two of them. The doctors take no chances, and so off to the emergency center you go. My doctor must have decided that I was lying about not taking hormones, and so he ordered blood tests specifically for my hormone levels. That's how I discovered that my testosterone/estrogen balance was very close to the average post-menopausal woman (whoopie!). Still, though, there was never any determined cause for the clots. Their only answer was to put me on blood thinners for the rest of my life, and HRT would, forevermore, be out of the question for me. When I got the first clot in my calf, my ankle and foot became so swollen that I thought my skin was going to burst open. 

Do you know how you broke your ankle? I don't want to alarm you, but HRT can also cause one to lose bone density. You should have a test for that, as well. Osteoporosis may not kill you like a blood clot can, but it can sure affect your lifestyle."

Ironically, the ankle problem could be a result of an old football injury. Plus, I was tested for Osteoporosis in the past. I'm sure they can do it again! Thanks!

Doctor Day

This afternoon I go to my new primary provider at a local Veteran's Administration Clinic which happens to be nearby. A "primary provider" is similar to having a family doctor. I haven't been to one in over two years.

Since I have been feeling very lethargic recently, I thought it was time to be checked out. My Mom had heart problems in her seventies before passing from heart disease. I'm not having any telltale chest pains but I figure it would be safe to have it checked out.

Also, since I seem to be experiencing all of a sudden this insane period of being mis-gendered, I probably will have to explain to a new nurse and doctor my proper pronouns are she and her.

Let's not forget too it's time again (after five years) for one of my most favorite procedures...a colonoscopy. If you haven't been through one, I will leave the fun details out. One way or another, it's better than the alternative, which is colon cancer. I just had a close friend pass away from it.

I'm also paranoid the Doc is going to find a reason to take me off my HRT hormones or simply mother time is catching up as I approach seventy.

Maybe too, my bi-polar
meds are causing me to feel too lethargic. We will see!

It Always Gets Back to...

This morning we did our weekly shopping. And Paula, this was just down the street...not a hour and a half away like my medical appointments. She commented across the pond in Great Britain, people just don't have to travel the distances we do here in the United States. I did neglect to say, I travel by choice to my original Veterans Administration Hospital, which I like better than the closer one here in Cincinnati.

At any rate, before I ramble any further, let me get back to my original point. For some reason, with the help of a couple ibuprofen, I felt physically very good this morning, and was able to throw my shoulders back and do my best to glide like a woman.

The best part was, I didn't care what others thought. Once I get to the point of having the confidence to look strangers in the eye and try my new speech patterns on them, it's all fun. I am in control of the situation. It helps too if I am not in some sort of physical pain in my hips or legs from thirty plus years walking on concrete floors in the restaurant business.

Also, I thought my make up was purposely subdued as were my clothes...designed to blend with the majority of the other women I saw shopping. Just done to the point of looking as if I wasn't trying.

The icing on the cake was when our coffee shop barista said "You ladies have a nice day."

I just love it when a plan comes together, even though it took decades. 

Such a Monday!

Yesterday was one of those days when all I seemingly did was run all out in a hurry to wait. One of our cars is being repaired and I had to take Liz to work and pick her up. Which added extra stress driving in the Cincinnati rush hour traffic, the worst in Ohio. Not to worry right? The other car would be ready by the evening but, of course it wasn't.

In the meantime, my day was filled with driving the 300 mile round trip to Dayton and Springfield for my VA appointments. On a very hot/humid day in an non air conditioned car. I did of course have my "2-70" air to relay on. Roll two windows down and drive 70 miles per hour. Not good for my mane of hair which I forgot to bring anything to tie it back with.

Once I got there, not to be outdone by the rest of the days hassles, both of my sessions ended up answering a full appointment's worth of time  answering computer questions about myself. Including fun questions about suicide and depression. Not to be totally squeezed out from my appointment time though, I made it a point to tell my therapist about her supposed ability to put in a voice referral for me and I told her about the VA's ability to provide a wig and breast forms to veterans. When you think about it, it is not so strange with the increasing role the Veteran's Administration is taking with women veterans health care.

All to soon, both of my sessions were over and I was back on the road again to Cincinnati, with plenty of time to think of all my answers I gave the computer. I wondered though since I answered truthfully about my suicide attempts and the amount of low level depression I normally fight all the time, will the powers to be want to see me more.

I have fought hard to balance my demons and am not looking for extra guidance at this time. After all, balancing being bi-polar and transgender at the same time has never been a field day. I find it interesting when someone says as soon as they came out, the depression went away. It sure didn't work that way for me.

There was still more to yesterday I will pass along in another post!

Vocalizing?

 After I tried to set a routine of adjusting my vocal chords upward into a more feminine pattern, I developed a minor sore throat. So maybe I should have waited on a professional diagnosis on what is going on with my very raspy voice. Certainly, there is a possibility I may have some other kind of problem going on.

Also, I have developed a minor cold which could be allergy related. Either way, I have suffered too from excess sinus drainage, Which isn't helping my voice either.

Monday, I have an appointment with my therapist who can refer me to a voice therapist at the Veterans Administration. So, we will see what happens! 

Speaking of the VA, interestingly enough, the Cincinnati VA is having a Pride Day this year. Being a transgender vet myself, as most of you know, I went ahead to help "man" a table. Or should I say "person" a table.

Also, a little later in June, I will be helping with our Witches Ball tent at the main Cincinnati Pride. The early part of the summer is shaping up to be busy.
 

Trans Ohio Symposium

Nothing really earth shattering happening this week as we approach the Trans Ohio Symposium  and my workshop.

As I have related to several times here in Cyrsti's Condo,  I am going to be speaking on "Wall's, Fifty Years" in the closet. My therapist was ultra interested in how I was going to approach it this week during our session. I joked, I was going to wing it but finally told her I had printed former blog posts to refer back to. Much of course is predicated on how many peeps show up, their age mix and how they fall under the transgender - cross dresser umbrella. One of the more difficult things to do too, is to figure how much time should be left for questions and answers.

All I know for sure is, the hour goes ultra fast.

I also found out the lead transgender care person at my Dayton, Ohio Veteran's Administration Campus is going to be doing a lecture also. I am planning on attending to make sure I catch up on any information I didn't know and to just meet her. I think I have but am not positive.

Outside of those two places I know I want to be, the rest of the weekend is set up to be one of fun for Liz and I. She is taking Friday off from her job, so we can get our nails done and hopefully get an early start on what usually is a two hour trip one way.

Finally, I am going to try to archive a couple blog posts for the weekend if I have enough material to attempt to write about!

Monday, Monday

So far, it looks like a fairly active week is shaping up so far. Tonight I have one of my cross dresser - transgender support group meetings. Normally something happens to get me riled up.

At the least though, it gives me something to write about here in Cyrsti's Condo! For example, last meeting, one member was pushing two new ones to "help" them go out shopping, etc. They seemed embarrassed by all the attention.

Tuesday is my monthly trip to my therapist, where I will have a chance to talk (no pun intended) about the possibility of going to a VA voice therapist or another. As I have mentioned, the voice problems I have, I consider to be one of my "gender transition" walls. When I brought it up to my partner Liz, she politely differed from saying anything real negative, which means she was holding back. I think, I can speak in "short bursts" well, but then lose it after I talk for anything length of time. Or, try to increase my volume much. I will see what my therapist says.

This also "hair week." I need to get this "mane" of hair I have colored again, before the Transgender Day of Visibility event Liz and I are going to on Saturday of this week. As I have written, I will be helping out on the Crossport Cincinnati information table we are setting out. I look forward to the event, and the week!

Spaced Out!

Yesterday turned out to be one of those expected/unexpected late summer days as temperatures reached ninety (with equal humidity.) I had to go to one of my transgender support groups, this one at the Veterans Administration Hospital in Dayton, Ohio so I had to use my cars 260 air conditioning...two windows down at 60 MPH. So it was hot.

I dressed down for the occasion, wearing a relatively low cut sleeveless tank top and distressed jeans with my walking shoes for the normally long walk along the VA's parking lot to get a spot to park.

Once I did, all was good and the group gained another member. She actually is still serving and is very effeminate and mainly still in the closet due to the current administration's  harassment. Our on again off again SRS girl was back sporting a brand new wig and makeup and looked much better. I was happy for her until she couldn't keep her hands off me.

I enjoy my space and only let select individuals into it, if I can help it. So yesterday, I didn't grin and bear it.

On the bright side, I learned I can attend another larger transgender group which meets after ours once a month on the third Tuesday. All I have to do is stay up in Dayton another couple hours until the meeting and then come back, skipping all the nasty Cincinnati rush hour traffic. Plus, I have had several invitations to attend their meetings, which makes me feel good!

I also had to stop in downtown Dayton yesterday to pickup the last piece of legal paperwork finishing off my probate property work. It was like returning to my old stomping grounds as the office was near the cluster of Dayton gay bars I essentially started to go out in public too. The whole experience brought back good and bad memories. Including the one when I was nearly accosted by myself by two men leaving a club.

I learned my lesson the hard way about cis/trans women and space that early morning for sure.

Cyrsti's Condo Monday Morning Edition

Greetings and welcome into another Cyrsti's Condo Monday morning edition. It's chilly here in Southwestern Ohio, but so far we have missed most of the snow just North of us. Let's grab a steamy "cup o Joe" and get started.

Page One: The Week that Was-or Wasn't: Nothing too amazing to report in my life. Of course the post election news continues to sizzle and I try not to be too paranoid what it means to the LGBT community moving forward. It's tough though with some of the appointee's being announced. Already some of the reforms in neighboring states (Kentucky) are under attack with new bills expected to pass which would open the doors wide open again to LGBTQ discrimination. I guess if you are one of the transgender Trump voters...here you go. Discrimination on yourself.

Page Two: The Holidays: It doesn't seem possible but it has been close to a year now when I changed all my legal gender markers. Somehow, it is seemingly making Christmas a little brighter this year. Unfortunately, I know the Holidays are a rough time for many transgender women and men who have been disowned by their families.

My family split right down the middle of the acceptance road with a total breakdown of relations with my brother's family. I am fortunate though to have been totally accepted by my daughter's in laws and Liz's family. So, I know a little of both sides of the road-per norm.

Page Three: The Back Page: As I said, it's been pretty quiet around here. I don't know yet if I am going to the Cincinnati VA Women's Christmas Party this week because of car issues. But, I am going to try. I think I should still try. It is Wednesday. I also have my "Safe Space" meeting Friday I try to go to without fail. So, it will be a "social" week if I can pull it off.

In the meantime, my laptop battery is telling me it's time to go. I love you all and thanks for taking the time to stop past Cyrsti's Condo!

Jessie (My legal name.)