Fall Leaves

Image from Alisa Anton
on UnSplash. 

I write substantially how fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the cooler temperatures, wardrobe changes and how the trees change into their brilliant colors. All before the colors go away and drab winter sets in.

Long ago, I felt all the seasonal changes deep down to my inner soul. Of course as a novice transgender woman the wardrobe fashion changes were challenging and fun. I learned I needed to look ahead for the best clothing bargains if I was to be successful in locating all the fashion firsts in sizes that fit me. After a few seasonal changes, I began to feel so natural, I automatically felt the changes coming on. Fall was especially fun when it was time to go through all of my leggings, boots and sweaters to see what I would have to add or subtract to make it through another season.

Even though fashion changes were exciting and fun, other aspects of the season just brought about melancholy depression. I vividly remember the nights when I went out and just drove around in my car watching all the leaves blow around in the headlights. Here I was still stuck in a gender I did not want to have anything to do with and not seeing a way out. Very soon, the fun of fall would turn into the depression of winter for me. My final fall before leaving for Army basic training was especially bad because I knew for a fact I would not be able to do anything about my transgender desires for a very long three years of my life. It seemed so unfair my new life into transgender womanhood would have to be put on hold through no fault of my own. I was bitter. 

Little did I know, after waiting over two years out of three in the Army, karma would come back to help me. During my last year I learned of a Halloween party which was being planned by a hospital group which my friends and I were invited to. Immediately my mind jumped to the possibility of me dressing up as a woman and going. Of course the problem arose how was I going to do it because I did not want to go halfway. I wanted to be the sexiest dressed woman at the party. Fortunately, I had access to an apartment where I could finally shave my legs and put on makeup with a wig I managed to buy at a downtown Stuttgart, Germany shop where I was stationed. Through it all, I knew I was risking harassment or worse by my superiors in the Army if the word got out about my so called "costume" which may have been a little too good. But nothing ever happened.

In fact, because of the Halloween party, my life changed nearly full circle that fall. A couple of days after the party, when my closest friends gathered once again over potent, tasty German beer I blurted out the costume I wore was more than a casual fun idea I came up with on the spur of the moment. I was a transvestite as we were known back in those days and I enjoyed wearing women's clothes, makeup and wigs. I knew at the time, again I would be risking what was left of the time I had left in the Army if what I said found it's way into the wrong hands. It did not matter at the time as the first time I left my gender closet felt so good. So good, I tried to come out to my Mom who promptly slammed me back into my closet. 

All of this happened during the fall which still remains my favorite season of the year. As a  transgender woman, I appreciate the re-birth of spring but summer is too hot and winter is too long and drab. It's why fall leaves are so important to me.  

Down but Not Out

 

First Girl's Night Out.
I am on the bottom row, left.

There have been many times during my transgender journey which I have felt down.

However, a little voice in my head kept telling me to keep going and if I did, I could achieve my dream of living a feminine life.  I write many times (mainly for those of you who are still new to the transgender or cross dressing world) how I was ridiculed intensely when I first tried to explore the public as a woman. After being laughed at, I always headed home in a hurry and tried to go back to the drawing board to try to determine what I was doing wrong. It took me awhile to figure out I needed to get past my male ego of what a woman should look like and into blending in with the rest of the female world. The mirror and my head turned out to be powerful opponents. 

I need to stress, it took me years of being down to turn my learning curve the opposite way and turn my frown into a smile when I was out in the world. Along the way, I needed to adjust my thinking on how I was accepted. I needed to realize I would never be the most attractive woman in the room and begin to fall back on my personality to get along. I was transgender and different but so what I was a good person. When I accomplished being at the least friendly to others, I began to be accepted into small groups of acquaintances who accepted me for my true self. In one of the venues I became a regular in, I have vibrant memories of a group of five diverse women and even a few men who I could set in with and have a beverage. 

It all proved to me I was resilient and could survive most things, including my growth as a transgender woman. Even though life was about ready to deal me several severe setbacks I was not expecting, I could make it. 

When life did hit me with setbacks, they were sledgehammer type blows. It seemed life was fond of giving me setbacks such as my wife passing away along with most of my best friends. It nearly finished me off when I had to close my restaurant I worked so hard to buy. More or less, I was left with my house, two dogs and an old car to re-erect my life. 

The old saying the darkest hour was right before the dawn was true for me  I was down but I had one huge card up my favorite blouse's sleeve. Since I was so far down why not start all over again as my dream self. My inner female had always been strong enough  to fight for her existence, so why no let her have it. Karma was on my side also, as it was about this time the Veterans Administration  health care system which I was already a part of suddenly approved the use of gender affirming hormones for transgender veterans. I only needed approval from a VA therapist to start the program. It turned out I was with Dr. C. my therapist for over ten years and she worked miracles for me.

Maybe it was because I was able to outlive a suicide attempt and years of self destructive behavior that I was able to come full circle in my life and end up on my heels. I was down but not out and discovered people in the world who could and would step up to accept me as my authentic self. Even though I needed to make the effort first. Which for me was very difficult. In the end, the whole process made me a better person.

Acceptance

 

Image from Damir Kopezhanov
on UnSplash

Recently I attended my first Alzheimer's of Cincinnati diversity group session.  

There were five people including me and truthfully, they were not very diverse. The group included one African American, one Jewish woman with her daughter and a couple of other women. I didn't enter the group looking for much more, in fact, I didn't know what to expect. The only thing I didn't want to happen was for anyone to disrespect me by using the wrong pronouns. It was new for me because I was the one seemingly adding most of the diversity. 

 The meeting went smoothly with me being responded to as "she". Where it will go from here will be interesting also. The moderator was pressing me to "recruit" other members of the "Crossport" transgender-transvestite organization of which I am a part of. I told her it would be easier said than done because even though the group is fairly large, the over- whelming largest portion of the members are still firmly in the closet. 

I wonder too, when the monthly diversity meeting in two months will be held in person, will anyone have a different reaction to me. I wouldn't think so but sometimes my gender dysphoria just gets a chance to work overtime. The next  meeting in August  will be virtual too. So it won't be until September until I meet everyone in person,  so I will have plenty of time to worry about it. 

Anyway you cut it, acceptance is nice. Especially when I have another chance to be out on the world as a proud (sometimes confident) transgender woman. My goal is to become an outreach person who has information about where to go for elderly care assistance in the area. So even though, a person's parent my not be LGBTQ+, I still will be able to relay any information I may have when it comes to Alzheimer's Elderly care of any type. 

Now, coming up next will be my third (out of ten) virtual meetups with the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration. They are trying their own outreach to LGBTQA+ veterans within their system. I am particularly wanting to provide feedback because of the initial failings I encountered when I first came out years ago. I will say now, in their (the VA's) dealings with me I have seen a noticeable improvement in many areas and I don't feel so much as a "trail blazer" like I did when I first entered the VA system. 

With both personal attempts to do more with the public to help others struggling with their gender issues, I will be paying forward the good karma I will need in the future. 

Karma?

I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the moderator of one of my cross dresser - transgender support groups. Primarily, she has a relatively cavalier attitude of how trans people in general aren't having any problems with the public. Her views went against a couple transgender women in the group who specifically were fired from their jobs for being trans.

Several times, I felt she was just looking for compliments on how well she presented. Plus, she was bragging how she could go anywhere except perhaps a biker bar without consequences.

Life changed for her Sunday night when reality set in. She was meeting a couple other trans/ cross dressing friends at a bar when they encountered a transphobic group sitting next to them at the bar. Words were exchanged including "freaks" and "it." The jerk even tried to take a picture.

The good news was she held her ground and called the guy an "ass" to his face and ultimately even got him kicked out of the venue. Fortunately, she had been going there for literally years and had built up a great amount of good will. On the other hand, the "ass" ended up getting arrested.

The moral to the story, I guess, is we never know when the ugly head of trans-phobia will raise up and temporarily ruin our life.

On the other hand we can win the battle when we are able to stand up for ourselves but all too often, bodily harm is a real threat.

Plus, I am sure the moderator has changed her idea of "universal" transgender acceptance. The challenge continues. Of course much is effected by the amount of "passing privilege" one has. An example is the moderator has quite a bit of privilege but her friends, not so much. None of that should matter but it still does. Saturday night, essentially the same group was the recipient of two bottles of wine from a neighboring table while Sunday the dreaded "freak and it" words were used.

I have my own cases of transgender "PTSD", maybe the moderator is building hers now too. Unfortunately karma still exists in our world.

HRT-Fact or Fiction?

You regulars around here in Cyrsti's Condo know I am a Huge believer in karma...what goes around- comes around.  During my life as a guy, I never understood several things about women: problems with climate change, losing items in purse and breaking their nails.  After all, how hard could it be to go back to the nail salon and get it fixed - poor babies.Little did I know one of my  hormone replacement therapy effects would be making my fingernails paper thin.

So thin it seems just playing with the dog the wrong way can chip or crack a nail. Even my genetic friends say my nails "break" in a weird way. I'm afraid to ask how that works!

All I know is now, I'm adding a specific vitamin to my diet which says it is good for my nails and coating them with a clear base which is also a strengthener.

My problem also is the physical labor I still do moving items from point "A" to point "B" to sell-not good for a salon inspired "manicure."

Look, I'm not really being a whiny girl here, I'm just giving Momma Karma her due.  When one of the women I worked with "broke a nail" not only did it cost her money-it hurt!

Stop the Damn Bitching Already!

I believe I have whined, complained and yes, even bitched about how HRT has destroyed the thermostat in my body here in the Condo.  Go ahead and say it, "no one twisted your arm to start HRT Cyrsti, so get the hell over it."

I accept all of that except - after a brief respite from the minus teens wind chills we are having here in my part of Ohio, we are expecting temps to go to 20 year lows next week.  Really? 

I have a confession to make:  Cyrsti's Condo does not over look the mountains and the beach in the tropics but is in a circa 1860's drafty big brick building in Ohio. Our weather extremes though, do make you appreciative when Momma Nature throws you a bone and the temp rises to 50 in January - summertime.

To combat the cold though, I'm heading south again- to Cincinnati where the outside temp will be nearly as cold but the inside temp will be toasty with the help of a "B.A.F" - a big ass fireplace. Sorry about all the cussing in this Cyrsti's Condo post but this cold weather just gets me in this mood.

Setting aside all my whining, there are benefits to facing up to this cold "thang" as a girl. First of all, you are allowed to be cold by other women and men.  Secondly, you can stylishly "layer" yourself up to stay warm and look good too.  My best purchase of the season so far were my fur lined snow boots which fit over my hand knitted wool knee socks for warm "tootsies".  Of course my "imagined" overstock of sweaters, leggings and scarves all of the sudden isn't so overstocked at all!

It's too bad that "karma", "cold" and "cussing" all don't begin with a "C".  If they did, I could come up with some sort of inspired thought of why Karma was getting even with me for making fun of women all those years for being cold.

How about, I just can't or I give up Momma Karma, I'm sorry!  You were right and you win!

Looking Back and Forward

Following the weekend's intense activity, I finally have had an opportunity to reflect on life as I know it now.
Recapping just a bit, Saturday's burial of my outward male and emergence of my female self was intense to say the least. Sunday I sort of curled into a ball, Monday I worked diligently on all the projects I do and last night I went out for a drink to the place where much of my public coming out process happened.
I'm going to stop and quote a loving and giving quote from my Mom now: " Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes". As "non frilly" as that quote may seem-it's true.

Last night, I thought back on all the times I went to this very busy upscale sports bar in various "experimental" outfits and wigs. I've told whomever will listen (and some who won't) I was very much a trial and error transition person. (mostly error) I was fairly certain this feminine direction I was heading was the correct one but I had to find out for sure. One of the those moments occurred where I was last night. Years ago I was sitting there and this incredibly warm sense of well being came over me.  No, it wasn't the beer and I didn't have to run out and buy a store bought vagina- I just knew I found my true self.

At any rate, the last five years have been one hell of a trip. I went back to the dusty archives to pass along an ancient post from Cyrsti's Condo, called Weekend Update.  I was interested to see how completely I was into the psychical aspect of the moment...shaving legs, clothes etc. I won't pretend to say I'm not into the psychical aspect of being a woman now but it ceases to be the all encompassing factor. I guess it's important to me to look as good as I can but it's not the defining factor of my femininity. Again, I have been so lucky to have learned from a close group of genetic female friends currently and in the past on what a woman is and isn't.

As I look forward to the time I have left on this world, I'm incredibly excited what is around the next corner for me on this journey.  I'm never so sure what dose of positive karma brought me to this point. I compare my life as a human and a transgender person to an old school pin ball machine. Don't we all play this game?   Five silver balls and we are done- game over-see ya!  As hard as we try, we try to aim the silver balls and hope for big points. Skill is one thing though but what about luck and destiny? If you know those answers-please can I talk to you!!!!!

So looking forward, I'm hoping to have at least one or two balls left to play...and have as much fun as karma will let me!