Destruction

Image from Mika Baumeister
on UnSplash

At various stages of my life I survived being so very self destructive to everything around me. 

Of course being gender dysphoric as well as bi-polar didn't help. Before I was diagnosed and received medications it seemed all I did was go from being very depressed to being very mean and nasty. I am surprised my wife was able to stay around as I tried to tear down everything I attempted to build. Often I would change jobs at a frenetic pace just to see if I could. During the process I uprooted and moved my wife and I from our native Ohio, to New York City, then back again to West Virginia. She didn't like the moves but came along anyway.

It took me awhile but finally I came to the conclusion I was trying to out run my gender issues by all the moving we were doing. Since my inner feminine self didn't respect all of the work was male self was doing to be a success, she did her part to resist and tear all the work down. Very self destructive to say the least. 

One of the biggest pillars of my life which was left was my marriage to my second wife which I write about often since it lasted twenty five years. She knew I was a cross dresser or transvestite from the very beginning so in many ways dressing like a woman for me was a non starter with her. She didn't really care and/or put up with it. The deciding factor came when I began to feel the urge to see if I could actually live as a transgender woman. I can still hear her words echoing in my head, I never signed up to live with another woman. After tremendous gender focused battles and me essentially cheating on her by leaving the house behind her back, I finally gave in and tried to purge most all of my feminine belongings before she passed away. I view the whole experience now as a fight between two strong willed women, my wife and my female self.

After I began the MtF gender transition to living life as a transgender woman, I needed to go through a relearning process of sorts to not be so self destructive. Among other things, I needed to dress more conservatively to blend in to where I wanted to go and I needed to be much more wiser when I did it. I almost learned the hard way about being in the wrong place at the wrong time as a trans woman. My male safety privileges were stripped from me when I crossed the gender border and I needed to learn the new rules of being a woman...fast. 

As it turned out, my new feminine self was much less self destructive than my old male self. Once she had finally got her way, she wanted to keep it and build a much more pleasant life.

Planning Ahead

Image from Mohamed Nohassi
on UnSplash 

At some point in my transgender MtF transition I was forced to plan ahead.

The point I am referring to is when I came to the point I knew I was going to attempt to go "all the way". When I did, I needed to seriously consider first of all how I was going to be able to support myself. I worked at a job which was very male dominated and relied on serving the public, so I knew my company would resist my gender changes. Plus I couldn't even imagine how a kitchen crew would react to a transgender manager. 

I ended up taking the easy way out and was able to retire early on my Social Security benefits and augment them by selling the houseful of antiques and collectibles my wife and I had obtained over the years. Between the two, I managed to support myself as a novice transgender woman. Perhaps what I didn't plan so well for was the experience of actually living as a trans woman. Once I threw away or donated all of my male clothes, acquiring an everyday women's wardrobe proved challenging. I learned very quickly I couldn't be the "pretty pretty princess" I was for most of my transvestite or cross dressing years on a daily basis. I needed to fall in line with the women around me and dress for comfort when they went about their normal life's. Blending became my word of the day when I faced the reality of dressing feminine on a daily basis.

Once I conquered dressing the part, I then needed to adjust to going to places I may  have felt uncomfortable in as a transgender woman. Examples included places such as auto parts stores all the way to junk yards when Liz and I searched for a hard to find part for our old car. Through it all, I tried to keep my head up and deal with situations (which for the most part) never came up. What I didn't realize was  dealing with other women on a daily basis would prove to be the most challenging experience for me. All of a sudden, I was forced into deeper communication other than I love your ear-rings. Specifically from women who wanted to pry into who they were communicating with. Some were gentle and calculating while others were more blunt and to the point. Similar to how a man would attack. The most important point was I learned quickly how to  protect myself when I began to be out on a daily basis as a transgender woman.

I learned all the planning in the world all of a sudden didn't do me any good. I was making good on a lifetime gender dream and there was no turning back. I just can't say enough how big the changes were when I finally had the courage to go full time. I will never forget the experience and how fulfilling it was for me. 

It's Complicated

 

Transgender Image 
from UnSsplash

As I transitioned, my overall life process became so much more complicated.

Fortunately during most of the time I did not receive many questions concerning my gender. It's not that I would have not answered most of the questions, even if anyone asked. It turned out the most sensitive question I do dislike is have I had any surgeries "down there". In fact, I reported a rude nurse during a mammogram I had asking the exact same question. It was certainly none of her business.

What also became very complicated was my life as a whole. The more I found I could live a life as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to pursue it. When I did, I ran head on into several major problems. The first of which was my second wife. As I write about often, she and I were married for twenty five years before she passed away. In addition she knew from the beginning I was a transvestite or cross dresser and my cross dressing initially had no bearing on our marriage. When I wanted to take my life a huge step forward and begin hormone replacement therapy, she drew the line. In no way did she want to live with another woman. As I began to be that other woman, our life together became very complicated and many huge fights happened.

The second main issue I faced was with my male self. He was rapidly seeing his life fade away and wanted to hang on as long as he could. Sooner more than later, the scales tipped and when I was still in my male role, I felt as if I was cross dressing as a man. At this point I was in an extra complicated relationship with the two most important people in my life...my wife and myself. In other words, two women fighting for my life. I was under intense pressure to make a decision on what I was going to do. I ended up attempting to live separately between the two major binary genders. I was torn completely on what my final decision would be.

At this point is when destiny stepped in and helped to make my decision for me.  When my wife passed away, there was really no one to tell me not to transition. From then on,  I had to begin to rely upon myself to make the final decisions on what I would live my life as. Continue as a man or explore the possibility of living as a transgender woman. It turned out I was soon helped along by a new set of accepting cis-woman friends I encountered along the way when I was out trying to enjoy myself. Through my powers of observation, I was able to sit back and learn more of what it meant to live a feminine life. We went to all kinds of places from LGBTQA Pride celebrations to lesbian mixers to women's roller derby matches. I had a good time and learned so much. Mainly that I did not need a man to validate myself as a transgender woman.

Very quickly when I decided to leave my male life behind, I knew very quickly I had made the right decision. It seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. From that point forward to the present day, my life has been remarkably uncomplicated once I faced my gender issues.  

Her World

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Gonzalez on UnSplash

I live in her world and I am grateful to do so.

More exactly, I am a retired transgender veteran senior citizen who waited most of her life to finally fully come out to the world. Why I waited so long to live in her world, is a complicated matter which involved a semi successful male life which was difficult to give up. Not to mention the potential to lose what remained of my family and friends. By living an extended period as a man, I learned the hard way what I didn't like about the male gender. Even still, I wasn't sure I could ever achieve my goal of living as a fulltime transgender woman. Early on I was naïve and thought success as a woman only came when I did my best to appear as one. 

As I started my early emergence into her world, I found the process was going to be so much more complicated. How was I going to survive financially as well as get used to communicating with the public from the viewpoint of an all new gender perspective. I discovered quite quickly which gender stereotypes were true and which ones were false. I always play the intelligence card when I learned I lost a major amount of my intelligence with men when I completed my MtF gender transition. I found I needed to get used to the changes quickly. 

The more I changed, the more prominent her world became to me. Before I totally gave in to her, I made the ill-fated attempt to hang on to what was left of my old male life while I tried to live part time as a transgender woman. It was becoming increasingly evident to me I was so much more than a transvestite or part-time crossdresser. The relatively new transgender term I found, described me more completely. As I decided, I was able to leave more and more of the old male pressure behind me but not before an ill fated suicide attempt. When the pressure became too much to bear. The moral to the story, my inner woman had gone too far to ever return and I needed to realize it. 

These days, through the miracle of modern medical science, thanks to HRT (hormone replacement therapy) I am able to wake up every morning with all my hair, soft skin, breasts and expanding hips. All the physical signs I need to reinforce I am living in her world. Long ago I decided I did not need or could not afford any major gender surgeries to help me along at my age. My gender was securely entrenched between my ears, not between my legs. I could face the world with what I had.

The only drawback is when my gender dysphoria gets the best of me when I take a look at myself in the morning mirror. It's the time when certain days I dream of completing facial femininization to look even more feminine. Then I have to put my vanity behind me and move on. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention how internal her world is. The more I transitioned into her world, the more emotional I became as the world around me softened noticeably. Of all my favorite aspects of moving into her world, this was my favorite aspect.

I always say the only regret I have is not transitioning more completely earlier in my life. Perhaps destiny was telling me I had to live through certain learning times in my life. Such as serving in the military, graduating college and having my daughter. Without all of those, I would have missed out on so much of my life. Perhaps I shouldn't  have worried, all along I was living her life anyhow. I was just too stubborn to realize it. One time I had a close cis-woman friend tell me after a Halloween party suddenly tell me if "I ever decided to go the other way" (as a woman) I wouldn't have to worry. I finally listened and made the move into her world.

Watching the Wrong Movie

 

Image from Mason Kimbarosky 
on Unsplash

Recently it occurred to me the biggest problem I had in life was, I was watching the wrong movie. 

The movie I was born into was simply the wrong one and I ended up not being able to escape from the theatre for too many years. It took me way too long to finally decide I was transgender and get on with it. The problems were not unique to me and ran deep within the transvestite or transsexual community. I wanted to be a pretty cheerleader instead of a football player, I wanted to wear the beautiful gown and be courted at prom. The list went on and on along with the wrong movie. Also, I spent hours daydreaming of how it would be to be a girl/woman along with hoping I would wakeup and be able to live my dream. 

As with all movies, the one I was living in had it's ups and downs. Even though I didn't want to experience a male existence at all, I was forced to and managed to find pockets of satisfaction when I was successful. The greatest one was when my daughter was born. The rest of the time, I was mainly locked in the wrong theater and forced to be part of the unwanted movie. It turned out during most of this time, I was working behind the scenes for when the movie ended and I could escape. During this time I managed to break out of my gender closet and begin to explore the world as my feminine self. The times I was successful at watching a new movie just helped me to wanting to see more of it.

The new movie was so interesting when I saw more I just knew I had been forced into the wrong theatre my entire life. The new movie featured the women I wanted so badly to become, if I could fit in and be accepted in the show. Many aspects were correctly pre-identified by me from my years of closely observing women. Such as, women were the high maintenance gender and nearly always on stage if they liked it or not. I needed to become used to the more or less constant attention from both genders. The part I could never pre-learn was how it would be like to really live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. The communication aspects alone of being in a new movie were scary to say the least. Not only did I feel I had to be equal to the cis-women around me, I had to be better to be allowed to continuing to watch the movie.

As we all know, movies change and have plot twists in the middle and being up to date on what I was watching became very important to me. Was I dressing to blend, how was my voice were all part of key elements I needed to face daily and not get rejected from the new movie I loved so much. As the movie unfolded it was clear I always should have had a ticket. Sadly, I did but I took so long to use it.

Another key to knowing I was finally watching the right movie was I never lost interest and haven't to this day. I love the new transgender movie I am in and try to live it to the fullest.

Trust the Process

 

Image from
UnSplash

Over a very long life of considering and attempting a MtF gender transition, I went through many highs and lows. 

On occasion more lows than highs as I went through the process of trying to balance both of my primary binary genders. In other words, I did plenty of inadvisable things which came back to haunt me. I was fortunate in that I didn't experience bodily harm on a couple of occasions when I was in  places I should not have been as a novice transvestite or cross dresser. Where? On a dark, late night urban city street to name a specific one. I did get stopped one night and was lucky I got out of it by just giving five dollars to a couple of panhandlers who clearly wanted more. Through all of my mistakes I just had to trust the process.

Seemingly the process was I had to pay my dues before I was rewarded with any positive feedback as a transgender woman. All the times when my second wife essentially made fun of the way I looked, just made me try harder to work on the many facets which went into a more convincing image as a feminine person. I knew I had made strides when she had to ask me to help her with her makeup on special occasions. I had trusted the process and kept on working hard and it worked for me on those occasions. Even though she had given into my makeup expertise, my wife still didn't give me an overall approval rating in how I presented. 

The farther I made it along in my transgender journey, the more trust I needed to put into what I was attempting to accomplish. All in all, I was trying to build my way into living a dream and I had so much to lose if I had failed. I say often, because one of the reasons I kept going was I felt so natural as my feminine self. When I did feel natural, it was easier for me to blend in with the public and overall present better to the world. I was rewarded when I was able to spread out from the gay venues I was going to and made my way into becoming a regular at several straight, mainstream sports bars I always enjoyed as a man. In them I was able to enjoy my favorite teams along with a big cold draft beer without any problems. When I was recognized as a regular. Probably the hardest prize to attain was my restroom privilege. As you beer drinkers know,  beer doesn't last long with you and being able to use the women's room (again without complaint) was huge.

Trusting the process also gave me added confidence in myself. Even though on occasion I was still petrified, I still was able to interact with the world and learn to enjoy myself. I finally made it to the point of feeling there was nothing wrong with me and if someone else had a problem, it was theirs to deal with. 

As I look back on trusting the process, for me, being allowed to begin hormone replacement therapy medications involved the most trust for me. I needed to trust the medical community the meds would not hurt me and move on from there. I was fortunate in that the process worked for me and I loved the results. By the time I tried HRT I was used to taking chances with my gender transition and hoped I could go even farther. To living my life fulltime as a transgender woman. 

Gender Side Effects

 

Liz on Left from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

When a human being attempts to cross the gender frontier to live a life as their authentic selves, they naturally undergo many side effects. 

Perhaps the biggest side effect is just having to live as the gender you had always dreamed of living. Quickly you find the grass isn't always greener when you transition. My primary examples include when I suddenly lost a part of my intelligence when I started my life as a transgender woman and when I found out the hard way my personal security most certainly wasn't the same. The entire process most certainly was an eye opening experience. All of a sudden, I was more than the "pretty, pretty princess" my wife called me, I was discovering how a woman really lived. 

Other side effects came when I began to live more and more as my feminine self. Gender discoveries were coming fast and furious and were often as terrifying as they were exciting. My male self did not want to give up all the white male privileges he had won in the world. It seemed just the time he could have been situated to enjoy the positives of his labors, it was all taken away because he decided to live as a transgender woman. Side effects for my male self were all negative. 

When I was able to step back and view the entire gender trnasition experience as a whole, the biggest side effect was the entire process felt so natural. When I was having any of the self doubts concerning moving forward in my transition, deep down inside my feminine soul told me to just keep going and everything would be alright. I just needed to learn my own way how difficult the process would be. It seemed every layer of womanhood I learned would just be scratching the surface of what I needed to learn. How was I ever going to be able communicate with the world as my new self and would I ever be accepted to being able to play in the girl's sandbox as an equal. Just two of the burning questions I was facing day to day as I considered reaching for my dream.

Another huge side effect was the time it was taking me to move forward in the world. For every step forward I felt good about, the were two steps back I needed to worry about. Examples included, what was I going to do about a very non approving spouse and how could I ever live without the fairly high paying job I had worked so hard to obtain. As it turned out, biding my time while I learned more about what being a woman was all about turned out to be a good side effect because I was more prepared when the time came to actually begin my life as a full time transgender woman. By the time my transition fully happened, I don't think I had ever prepared better for anything in my life and I was in my early sixties at the time.

Now I can safely say, the final side effect for me was a positive experience. By transitioning I have been able to live out a lifetime dream and never looked back. 

More Hormonal Results

 

Image from Kareya Saleh
on UnSplash 

As I look back on my most recent posts, I discovered I left out one of my major changes when I started hormone replacement therapy.

The other major difference I left out was how the world around me started to appear. All around me, everything seemed to suddenly soften. All of it occurred at the same time the angles in my face were beginning to soften also, so perhaps the whole picture was a part of a bigger outcome. And the larger outcome was clear, the minimal (at that time) dosages of estradiol were working and I indeed was becoming more feminine. So quickly in fact, I was forced to change my timetable to when I planned on coming out to the world as a transgender woman. 

The in between step which unexpectedly took place was how quickly my overall appearance began to change. I went from a macho guy to androgynous person faster than I ever imagined. When I did, I began to consider when I was going to tell what was left of my family about my plans to complete a MtF gender transition. Since my parents had long since passed on, as well as other key individuals in my life, my "to tell" list was relatively small. 

I started with my daughter which turned out to be easy as well as a huge success. Her only comment was why was she the last to know. In fact, she was close to being the first to know since her Mother only knew me as a cross dresser or transvestite and her Step-Mother fought me every inch when and if I ever suggested I was transgender. So the topic was rarely if not ever brought up. My daughter's ultimate reaction was she wanted to take me out shopping which I declined since I already had a growing feminine wardrobe or treat me to a visit to her upscale hair spa for a makeover when my hair became long enough. Which turned out to fit perfectly in for me as a birthday gift. 

Just when I thought everything was going to be easy with my transgender coming out process, here comes my brother (only) and his family to ruin everything. After telling him I was trans, my invitation to the family Thanksgiving dinner was revoked. It especially hurt because my second wife used to single handily feed an increasingly large family for years on her own and here I was being shut out for wanting to live as my authentic self on the holiday. Since that time, now over ten years ago, we haven't spoken since. Even still, I was fortunate in that my daughter's family (including in laws) and my wife Liz's family have filled the void. I did not need or ever miss my brother's support anyway.

My body seemingly took to hormone replacement therapy as if it should have been on the new hormones all along. Destiny was on my side. It was a shame I needed to wait all the years I did to finally go through the gender change. Since all the time I used up as a male wasn't all bad, I was able to experience much in life while at the same time I obsessed on experiencing everything a hormonal change could do for me. The whole process helped usher me into a softer gentler more beautiful inner world.   

It's a Phase?

Image from Samuel Regan Assante 
on UnSplash

 Years ago I became enamored with the idea my cross dressing was just a phase and perhaps someday I would grow out of it. Of course I never did and here we are as I live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. 

I think that even though my Mom never mentioned anything about her clothes being worn or her makeup being used, she most likely thought (or hoped) I was going through some sort of a phase. There is no way I can't believe I was as good as I thought I was hiding my "hobby" from her. Especially when I began to acquire my very own hard earned small wardrobe of feminine clothes and makeup. Even though this phase of my life was just the beginning, it did teach me the lengths of effort I would have to go to to hide my true self from everyone.  I needed to try extra hard to at least participate in male activities such as  sports to cover how I really felt about my life.

It turned out, my early years were a phase after all. The years turned out to be a learning process when I learned the basics of not surviving in a mirror and being able to venture out in the world for the first time as a woman. Very quickly I learned the more I ventured out, the more natural I felt for the first time in my life. A new phase of my life was just beginning. I was loving my successful experiences in a feminine world. 

The next phase of my life was attempting to being able to fully play in the girl's sandbox. I felt I had earned the right due to so many different situations I encountered as I went about my MtF gender transition. All the way from being asked to leave certain venues to being totally accepted and being embraced for being a regular guest. I even considered I was welcomed for the extra diversity I added to the venue. Sadly, I will never know for sure why. I can only know I was.

At this point, my phases of life became a little blurred because they were coming so fast. All of a sudden I gained friends who included me in their circles. I was invited to everything from lesbian mixers, all the way to women's roller derby. Each invitation added to my understanding of a world I so badly wanted to enter. Most importantly, I needed the opportunity to be rounded out as the new feminine person I was becoming. The process was never easy but I had much needed friends help me. 

It took awhile to realize the largest phase I was going through was when I was trying my hardest to survive and prosper in a male world. I needed to act like I enjoyed the BB Gun I received for Christmas instead of the doll baby I really wanted as well as acting as if I enjoyed going hunting with my Dad and younger brother. It wasn't to be until later in life when I learned how successful I had been in covering myself as a macho male. Certain people were totally surprised when I came out and transitioned into the transgender world. I guess I was too successful in my hiding phase when I was younger.

Everybody's life  includes phases, transgender or not. It just seem our trans life's have more intense phases as we attempt very difficult transitions. Often at the risk of losing everything. We can only hope new phases bring balance to our life as well as a chance to move forward. Often out of our dark lonely closets. 

It's All About the Hair

When I was very young the thought of ever being able to afford a nice, quality wig was the impossible dream. Since I was forced into the fashionable boy haircuts of the day ( a short burr or crew cut), I couldn't even begin to approximate having girls hair when I dressed up. I can't even remember wearing a towel around my head to look more feminine. Somehow, I made do until years later I was able to buy the first wig of my dreams, a sleek shoulder length blond hair piece I loved. In fact I think I bought it originally for my first fiancé and then managed to "inherent" it from her when we broke up. Something like you keep the ring and I will keep the wig. Definite priorities, right?

After I maintained ownership, that hairpiece managed to travel with me around the country when I was able to hide it in my baggage. I learned to be very skillful as I packed a small "collection" of women's clothes with my regular wardrobe. Now, as I fast forward several years to another time in my life, I found myself with enough freedom and financial resources to try and buy several ill advised wigs. I conservatively estimate I bought ten in a years time and of which, only two should have been worn in public. 

Finally, after I started hormone replacement therapy, my own hair quickly grew to a point where I could follow my daughter's lead and go to her salon and have it styled. At that point I felt I was truly making serious advances in my MtF gender transition. I loved fixing my own hair but it was an experience having to learn to take care of the back of my head also. No longer did I just have to rely on turning a wig head around and brushing it out. Paula, from the "Paula's Place" blog wrote in and commented on her similar experience:

Photo Courtesy 
Paula Godwin

"I note your comments about acting, there was a moment when I abandoned the use of a wig, for the first tie I felt as though I wasn't in costume and wasn't playing apart. I was dressing as a woman, I wasn't pretending to be woman, I simply was a woman, I was me. Additionally that was when I first started to understand that in all those (oh so many) preceding years I had been playing a part ~ I had been pretending to be a man. Now I could start being me instead of playing the part society expected of me."

Thank you Paula. I agree with your comment on so many levels. The blessings bestowed on me from being able to undergo HRT therapy among other things accelerated my hair growth and I was fortunate not to have any vestiges of male pattern baldness. 

The "costume" comment resonated with me also. Very quickly, being able to do away with wigs and wear my own hair helped me with my gender dysphoria. In other words, I was able to settle in physically to being my authentic self. 

I too was able to convince myself that all those years of being a cross dresser, I had it all wrong. I wasn't cross dressing as a woman. I was fooling myself and was cross dressing like a man. 

  

Transgender Night Out

Photo Courtesy 
Clifton Mill

 Long ago when I was increasingly exploring if I could indeed live in the public's eye as a feminine person, I made a decision. I decided to attempt to visit and even enjoy taking in the Christmas lights and atmosphere at a nearby restored grist mill at nearby Clifton, Ohio. Furthermore, I decided to visit for the first time as a woman, my authentic self. 

Of course, once I made my decision, I had to decide when I could do it and more importantly, what I would wear. As luck would have it, I had an evening off from work when my wife was working at the bookstore. The coast was clear (so to speak) for a night out as a woman enjoying the Christmas lights with perhaps even a hot chocolate to enjoy. The weather for the night turned out to be a benefit also. The evening was clear and frosty without being brutally cold. Ideal for a warm, soft, bulky sweater, leggings and boots. All of which I happened to have in my wardrobe since the items were indirectly approved by my wife. In fact, one year, she had even given me one of my favorite sweaters for Christmas. 

Finally, my night out was upon me and I neglected to say one of the biggest advantages I had was it was dark outside when I left. Harder for prying neighbors eyes to see me. I myself was satisfied with the way I was presenting myself as a woman. Transgender or not. As I always thought, confidence is always a woman's best accessory. When you have it, strangers will at the least read it in you. They will have a tendency to accept you more easily as your feminine self. 

Once I arrived at the mill, it was crowded and I had to walk. Luckily, my boots were casual and easy to walk in. With my shoulder length blond wig I felt encouraged I could present as a woman just out to enjoy the Christmas lights at the Mill. While I was there, I became so encouraged with the outcome of the evening, I decided to stop by the Mill's gift shop to see if I could pick up a gift for my wife while I was there. I didn't find anything special so I purchased a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. The young girl who served me didn't seem to pay me any extra attention so I went away encouraged with my evening.

As is the case with any special night, the entire evening seemed to go by in a flash and all too soon I had to return home and act like I had been there all night for my wife's benefit. If it was late my trick was to already be in bed so she couldn't detect any telltale signs of makeup I didn't remove.  She was always smarter than I was so I am sure she could usually tell what I was up to. Much to my chagrin now, I always caught got sooner or later. Most likely because deep down I wanted to. Evenings such as the one I spent looking at Christmas lights were enablers for me. The more I was successful in trying to live a feminine life the more natural I felt doing it. In many ways I was just living my truth leading me to ever increasing goals in my gender transition. Very quickly I found myself in other more exciting transitions when I was going from cross dresser to novice transgender woman. 

My Christmas night out just furthered my gender cause. The overall feeling of how I was able to approach the evening and succeed. Gave me the confidence to seek out other nights out which I will write about in other posts.

Woman Up

 Perhaps you have been told to "man up" and do something during your life. The best example I can come up with is going through basic training in the military. These days with the welcome influx of women in the military, basic training may be a different experience but in my days it was definitely not a coed experience. Since it was during the days of the Vietnam War draft days, I had no choice but to man up and make it through. Which I did. I ended up taking approximately twenty five pounds of fat

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

off and replacing it with muscle. All of that was good I suppose but at the same time I was desperately missing my urge to cross dress into my feminine clothes. There were times when we were on forced full gear long marches the only thing which kept me going was dreaming of the times I had when I dressed as a woman. I had to "woman up" or hitch up my non existent feminine panties and successfully concentrate on the task at hand. 

Over the years it became evident to me the whole Army experience became a focal point in my life. I learned the hard way I could eventually overcome almost any obstacle on my way to living as a fulltime transgender woman, On occasion I was certainly terrified of crossing the gender frontier and losing my male privileges' but I went forward anyway mainly because deep down I felt so natural doing it. As I entered the second major transition in my life from cross dresser to novice transgender woman, the thrill I experienced when I succeeded and survived was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It felt like I had finally had woman-ed up I did what came naturally.

The problem was all my good feelings were directly challenged by my wife's desire not to live with another woman. The process became a prime example of being stuck between a gender rock and a hard place. I felt I had to continue to explore living as a transgender woman but she was standing in my way. In all ways she represented any chance I had of continuing to live what was left of my male life. Finally one of our fights became so bad she told me to man up and become a woman. She was prophetic in many ways. After a failed suicide attempt on my part and a sudden death from her, the doors swung wide open for me to finally allow my dominate feminine being to exist. As it happened, my life really changed and I had to hitch up my big girl panties or woman up to survive in a world I had only dreamed of. As I discarded all of my old male clothes, with the limited funds I had I had to make sure I was buying useful utilitarian clothes which i could be attractive in and still blend in well with the other women I met. 

It was around this time also when I decided I could retire on early Social Security pay as long as I sold the house full of antiques and collectibles I owned. Through a couple of on line services I used, I was able to exist and retire so I didn't have to attempt to transition on the job in the very conservative company I worked for. I guess you could say I missed being able to woman up by transitioning at work and dodging a major hassle other transgender women and trans men face. 

From that point forward, the biggest hurdle in my MtF gender transition was my decision to woman up and schedule a doctors appointment to see if I could begin hormone replacement therapy. When I found out I could, I was ecstatic. I could now woman up again and take another major step towards achieving my gender dream. In life though nothing remains static and now I remain ready for the next challenge I have to get ready for. Or woman up again. 

How to be Transgender

What a question...right? All of us most certainly have a different but yet oddly similar answer to the question. Along the way here on the blog we have created quite the niche with transgender women who have decided to complete their gender transition later in life. A commitment such as that requires quite the sacrifice. Often we have to give up long time family ties losing beloved former friends and family who refuse to accept our new authentic selves. 

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Along the way, we had to learn our own ways what it meant to enter a new and very foreign feminine world. I know in my case, often the whole process was terrifying. It occurred to me  I was giving up years and years of effort to be a person I never really wanted to be. I know none of that sounds different than the path you followed. Other examples include time in the military and the time and effort you had to put in to grow up fast as your transgender self. After all, we didn't have the benefit of a mother, sister or peer group to aid in shaping our new world. For me it was very difficult to learn I would never be able to recapture a past as a girl I never had. As I write many times, I was guilty of trying to dress as a teenaged girl stuffed into an oversized male body still loaded with testosterone. 

By living my mistakes I learned how to become my unique form of transgender woman. More than likely many of you did also. Many of us are fortunate to have been shaped by the cis women around us. For each disapproving spouse there are so many more who often begrudgingly come to accept the new woman in their relationship. I know with me, even though my second wife never accepted my transition to a transgender woman, she still shaped my transition in more ways than she ever knew. Her comment I was a terrible woman was an example. It came after a practically successful time for me when I presented as a woman. It turns out she wasn't referring to my appearance at all but more about the remaining male ego I still dealt with. It took me years to finally realize what she meant. I'm sure many of you, similar to me, considered yourself to be students of all things feminine. It was difficult to figure out what was good and what was bad for me and entered into how I felt I had to progress towards how to be transgender.

Many of us also who were raised in the pre-internet generation feel our gender growth was stunted in many ways. Leading us to feel we lost the chance to work on a gender transition earlier in our lives if we only had the information to learn from. Since we can't go back in time, we just became better in working with what we had to work with. Sometimes we pashed too hard when we tried to explore outside our restrictive gender closets and had to dial our goals back just a bit until we could get back on track and put our lives back together. 

Together was the key term. Since we have lived longer, the more gender baggage we had to consider bringing with us as we crossed the gender frontier. For instance I had to decided what I was going to do about my lifelong passion for sports. I ended up solving the problem by discovering and being able to socialize with several other women who enjoyed sports as much as I did. How to be transgender for me suddenly became a positive experience for me. On the negative side, my brother who I used to watch many games with vanished from my life when he and my sister in law refused to accept my new feminine self. Of course there were many more important baggage items to consider such as property, jobs and family to name a few. It all is the exact opposite to what young transgender folks face. Their problem is how do they face the future of difficulties with employment and benefits as they build their lives. It seems nobody wins. 

The bottom line is how to be transgender is never easy and is for gender survivors only.

Fear as a Transgender Motivator

 Recently I wrote on the subject of how difficult it was during my MtF gender transition. Every time I thought I had taken a step or two forward, I was sent backwards when my high heeled pump became stuck in a sidewalk crack and ended up sending me into a decidedly unfeminine situation. 

Through it all I was so alone and left on my own to judge my appearance and mannerisms. Similar to so many of us crossing the gender frontier, all I had was a mirror which seemed to never want to tell me the truth. Looking back, fear and trepidation of what the public was going to think of me curiously kept me going. When I was laughed at or even asked to leave a venue, my setbacks just led me to try harder to be successful. 

The entire process was exciting yet terrifying. Interestingly, we transgender women and men all shared similar but all so different experiences. Take Connie for example:

" By the time I finally made it out to be a visible part of the outside world, I had become so afraid of the thought of never leaving the safety of my locked room that going out was more a relief than anything else. The scenarios I'd imagined would surely come to fruition turned out to be much worse than anything I've ever actually experienced.

Connie Malone

 Of course, I really did know that would be the outcome. I'd read Dale Carnegie books, and I was fully aware that 99% of the bad things you think are going to happen never really do. I was also familiar with the Al Franken character, Stuart Smiley, and his inept life coaching tagline, "You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You." Throw in a favorite quote of mine from Oscar Wilde - "Life is too important to be taken too seriously" - and my fears were subsided by the thought that I'd rather have died laughing (even being laughed at) than having been found, alone in my locked basement room, dead in a pool of my own tears.

As I like to say: If ya can't leave 'em laughing, at least leave 'em guessing. That's how I relax and enjoy the ride! :-)"

I agree 99% of the bad things never really happen but it was the one percent which kept coming back to haunt me. 

I finally figured out most of the percent I was failing came from setting myself up for failure. A prime example was one venue I tried time and time again to visit where I knew I wouldn't be welcome instead of going to another venue close by where I had already established myself.  The whole process led to the time I had the police called on me just for using the restroom. 

As I eventually became wiser to where I could go, I was able to begin to relax and build the new feminine person I was always destined to become on a firm foundation. From there forward I didn't have to rely on fear to motivate me.

It's a Material World

And, as Madonna would say, I am a material girl. Then again, don't all of us have to be one way or another? Unless you are living off the grid and probably aren't reading this at all. 

Picture after first hair appointment
Credit: Cyrsti Hart

Actually, I am a very basic transgender woman. Give me a comfortable pair of jeans or leggings, add a tank top and tennis shoes and I am happy and secure as the transgender woman I am. Ironically as basic as I am, I still dress more femininely than my partner Liz who is a cis gender woman. Meaning she was assigned female at birth.

Backtracking a bit, when I first began to explore the feminine world in public, I was much more materialistic. All my accessories such as jewelry, purses, shoes etc. were so much more important to me. All my attention to detail worked too when I was complimented on my appearance by other women. 

All went well until I really started to transition, aided by the effect of hormone replacement therapy. One of the first changes that happened was I was fortunate and my hair really started to grow. So much so that my daughter gifted me my first visit to her upscale hair salon as a birthday present after I had come out to her. The visit remains in my mind as one of the most exciting yet scary experiences of my life as I crossed the gender frontier. Having to walk the "gauntlet" of women who had nothing else to do but to watch and judge me was amazing pressure to say the least. 

I learned too, it was a material world when all of the sudden I was paying to have someone else take care of my hair. My old twenty dollar haircuts at a barber shop were long gone. Also when I was going out, I had to learn there was a back to my head also. All those years of wearing a wig had spoiled me. Of course I could simply turn the wig around on it's stand and brush it out. 

Another of the main problems I faced as I MtF gender transitioned was the cost of trying to maintain two wardrobes. Along the way I was biased because shopping for the feminine side was so much more fun and satisfying. Once I settled into my feminine natural role and quit cross dressing as a guy, of course the costs went down.

I suppose it could be argued we all live in a material world. Transgender women may experience it all in such a unique way.
  

Summer Time

 

The area in and around Cincinnati, Ohio is well known for it's historical connections in aiding runaway slaves during the Underground Railroad days preceding the Civil War.

In 2015, Liz and I toured the "Rankin House" near Ripley, Ohio east of Cincinnati when I was more mobile. The picture on the left was taken facing the Ohio River which flows downhill from the historic house. Known for it's success in helping runaway slaves escape. 

Afterwards we crossed the Ohio on a small ferry boat and ate lunch in historic Augusta, Kentucky, the home of George Clooney. 

It was a relaxing day and one to remember because my transgender transition was still so new and scary as well as being exciting. The day went well, and no, we didn't see George.  

Kim Petras

 If it seems Kim Petras has been in the public eye forever, it's because the transgender German entertainer started her Mtf gender transition at a very early age. Here is more from "Women's Health.":

"German singer and songwriter Kim Petras is the pop queen behind bops like “Heart to Break," “Icy,” and “Broken Glass.” Oh, and she goes from dark and moody to bubblegum pink flawlessly. Ahead of the 2020 U.S. election, she worked with MTV, LogoTV, and Trans Lifeline on a campaign to provide grant money for trans people to update their IDs."

She is 28 and released her first recording in 2011. 

Let's be Careful Out There

 This is actually a continuation of a post I wrote a couple days ago concerning losing one of our main male privileges' when we transition to a feminine life. The privilege is personal security. It's more or less a natural transition since so many cis women know of and have lived around male harassment their entire lives. 

Following the post, I received a couple of comments. The first is from Connie:

"You're absolutely correct. We should never (short) skirt the issue of security. I've had my share of dicey moments, too. Fortunately, for both of us, we may have learned the hard way....but not the costly way. The closest to getting hurt I had was being sucker punched by a creep while I was stepping in to help some younger girls he was stalking late one night. I've reached the age where I'm not out late at night much; bedtime is 10:00 pm, usually. I also have slowed down, physically, so my confidence in being able to outrun an assailant has dropped considerably. I used to be a fast woman, but not a "fast" woman. Not that creepy men care what kind of woman I am, because they are just...uh...CREEPS. Watch out for them!"

Thanks for your unique perspective on a difficult problem.

The second comes from "Girlyboy":

"Part of my own desire to transition is the desire to have the weakness you describe. Part of me wonders if that weakness that comes with a feminine body is not part of why society seems to hate trans MTF so much–that you would willingly give up power and physical strength must seem ludicrous to some…for me, feeling vulnerable is part of the goal." 

Interesting comment. I think very early in my Mtf gender transition, I think I felt the same way because feeling vulnerable validated my femininity.  As I grew into my stronger transgender self, the potential violence all women are subjected to became more important to me and I began to be much more careful. 

My Fave Transition

 Out of all the Mtf gender transitions I have encountered over the years, one of the nicest and most successful transgender women I have known (through Facebook) has to be Wisconsin's Melonee Malone. I have featured her before here in Cyrsti's Condo and after her most recent picture, I thought I would do it again. 

 

The Boss is Transgender

 

Wynne Nowland (left) said it best:

"Once you have come to the conclusion that this is who you are ... don’t delay.”

That’s the biggest lesson Wynne Nowland, CEO of insurance brokerage Bradley & Parker, learned going through her gender transition in mid-2017.

Nowland started working at the medium-sized firm in Melville, New York in 1986, and held several senior positions before becoming CEO and chair in January 2017, just a few months before her transition.

From Nowland’s earliest memory, she knew she was “different,” but it took her a long time to label it. It wasn’t until a few weeks after her 56th birthday in 2017 and four months after promotion to CEO that she had an “awakening” and decided she couldn’t hide her true self any longer.

Nowland sent an email to her 70-person staff telling them that she had made the decision to transition her gender.