Trust the Process

 

Image from
UnSplash

Over a very long life of considering and attempting a MtF gender transition, I went through many highs and lows. 

On occasion more lows than highs as I went through the process of trying to balance both of my primary binary genders. In other words, I did plenty of inadvisable things which came back to haunt me. I was fortunate in that I didn't experience bodily harm on a couple of occasions when I was in  places I should not have been as a novice transvestite or cross dresser. Where? On a dark, late night urban city street to name a specific one. I did get stopped one night and was lucky I got out of it by just giving five dollars to a couple of panhandlers who clearly wanted more. Through all of my mistakes I just had to trust the process.

Seemingly the process was I had to pay my dues before I was rewarded with any positive feedback as a transgender woman. All the times when my second wife essentially made fun of the way I looked, just made me try harder to work on the many facets which went into a more convincing image as a feminine person. I knew I had made strides when she had to ask me to help her with her makeup on special occasions. I had trusted the process and kept on working hard and it worked for me on those occasions. Even though she had given into my makeup expertise, my wife still didn't give me an overall approval rating in how I presented. 

The farther I made it along in my transgender journey, the more trust I needed to put into what I was attempting to accomplish. All in all, I was trying to build my way into living a dream and I had so much to lose if I had failed. I say often, because one of the reasons I kept going was I felt so natural as my feminine self. When I did feel natural, it was easier for me to blend in with the public and overall present better to the world. I was rewarded when I was able to spread out from the gay venues I was going to and made my way into becoming a regular at several straight, mainstream sports bars I always enjoyed as a man. In them I was able to enjoy my favorite teams along with a big cold draft beer without any problems. When I was recognized as a regular. Probably the hardest prize to attain was my restroom privilege. As you beer drinkers know,  beer doesn't last long with you and being able to use the women's room (again without complaint) was huge.

Trusting the process also gave me added confidence in myself. Even though on occasion I was still petrified, I still was able to interact with the world and learn to enjoy myself. I finally made it to the point of feeling there was nothing wrong with me and if someone else had a problem, it was theirs to deal with. 

As I look back on trusting the process, for me, being allowed to begin hormone replacement therapy medications involved the most trust for me. I needed to trust the medical community the meds would not hurt me and move on from there. I was fortunate in that the process worked for me and I loved the results. By the time I tried HRT I was used to taking chances with my gender transition and hoped I could go even farther. To living my life fulltime as a transgender woman. 

It's a New World

 

Raquel 

Without bringing up too much unpleasant history, it was possibly the time of Donald tRumpt's election when it became more and more in vogue to outwardly criticize transgender citizens.  I have an example. 

A long time acquaintance of mine moved from Ohio to Texas eight years ago and lives full time as a transgender woman, mostly with no problems. Recently though all of that changed when she went to a diner she knows well. Her name is Raquel and here is a partial look at what went down:

"I avoid news/politics. But I feel like I'm on people's radar lately. Yesterday as I was walking out of a diner, two drunk couples were in a booth, and this big tough guy gets my attention...

"GUY: Hey! You're not a dude, are you?

ME: [loudly] F***. You.

GUY: I'll take that as a yes!

(his friends are kinda looking around like WTF I'm not part of this)

GUY: No, you're beautiful! You had me fooled!

Coincidentally, this was the 8th anniversary of the day I moved to Texas, and it was also one of the only times I've been carrying pepper spray with me. Because people are crazy. And something's up. And nothing would make me happier than hitting this guy in the face with cop-strength capsaicin."

First of all, I admire Raquel's courage in not backing down from this guy but I remember her well and am not surprised. Years ago, she was with me the night three drunk guys started playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" non stop at a sports bar we were at. Both of us were determined not to back down and let them chase us out of the venue. I am also surprised all she was carrying was pepper spray. I believe she has gone through firearms training.

I get the feeling the public these days is more emboldened to leave their comfort zones and challenge our transgender ones. It is sad we have to go through all of this as well as all the anti-LGBTQ or transgender bills in the state legislatures these days. Little does the public know we have been a part of them since history has begun and we are not going anywhere now.

Even still it is important to note it is a new world and I am always prepared to be confronted about my gender status when my wife Liz and I go out in public. We have not gone as far as buying pepper spray but have equipped our key chains with devices which could be used to stab and hurt would be attackers.

More than ever before, it is time to be aware of our surroundings as transgender women. It doesn't look as if these times are going away anytime soon.

Trans Reflexes

 

Cincinnati Skyline
From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Quite early during my transition I found myself needing to develop a whole new set of public reflexes to use when I was out in the world. No longer could I fall back on the tried and true old male actions I had crafted over the years to get by. Primary examples include having an interest in sports and owning muscle cars. Anything I could do to prove I was worthy of being called a male which of course, deep down, I always resisted. The benefit was I could participate in the many available male privileges such as job preference. The whole process was helpful in hiding my feminine tendencies and keeping the bullies away. 

Anytime I was faced with some sort of confrontation, I was able to "puff" myself up (since I was never really a small person) and fend off many possible disputes. It became my go to reflex which had to radically change when I began to live as my authentic feminine self. Nearly immediately I was shocked when I was naïve in thinking I would be accepted in man-centric conversations. No one cared about my amount of expertise or success at my job or my overall knowledge of the world. I quickly discovered the art of "mansplaining" and how it was an insult to all women. A prime example came when I needed to have my car towed one time and couldn't even be allowed to explain to the tow truck driver and the policeman where I lived. On the way back home in the truck, to make conversation I tried to play the dumb blond and ask questions about how the tow truck worked. It seemed to do the trick because shortly the driver started to comment about what his wife packed him for lunch. Who knows, maybe he thought I was trying to pick him up. 

Of course the biggest reflex I needed to change (and quickly) was when my personal security was threatened as a woman. Transgender or not. No longer could I rely on my size as a man to keep me out of possible danger. I went from the protector to needing the protection. I was cornered once in a hallway during a party I was attending with my second wife by a much larger man who was coming after me when he found me in a space where I couldn't escape. Luckily, my wife was there and ironically became my protector and he left me alone. I paid the price with her by hearing the lecture of being more careful. Still I didn't learn quickly. There was another night when I was stupidly walking alone between gay venues in downtown Dayton, Ohio. Two men approached me asking for money and all I had was a five dollar bill which satisfied them for the moment and I quickly left and made it to my car. From then on, I made sure I had friends walk me to my car when I went back there plus I made sure I took advantage of closer lighted parking. Security lessons learned. 

Following all of those immediate personal reflex changes, future reflex differences were easier to accommodate and learn from. As my communication skills improved, I was able to be more skilled at reading passive behavior skills from other women. Which helped me anticipate when some other woman was going to claw or knife my back. For the most part men left me alone so I didn't have to worry much about them. Which was ironic since my history with men should have given me more skills to deal with them but then again, I was mostly socializing with lesbians so I was insulated from men altogether. 

Through it all, my inner woman took her cue to live and ran with it. Seemingly, she made up for a lifetime in the closet in a few short years. It was almost as if she was waiting patiently for her time and quickly made the most of honing her reflexes quite quickly when it happened. 

  

Stay Safe out There

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

 These days it seems, with all the Republican anti LGBT bills which are mainly directed towards transgender women and trans men, it's increasingly difficult to relax in public. Who knows when the next shoe will fall and another person will confront you about living as your authentic self.  Sadly, in today's society people are less into minding their own business and more into minding yours.

All of this creates the extra gender pressure I previously mentioned. Through it all, the ability to present yourself authentically becomes extra important. Sadly for some of us cis-women are seemingly not so into taking advantage of what nature gave them. If I was going to go out and run errands right now, I'm sure I would see almost no women who took the time to wear any makeup and dress up at all. The real dilemma for transgender women is to look feminine without really trying. It is certainly a product of having to try harder than the average cis-woman to be accepted.  All ready there are stories surfacing about cis-women being rejected from using the woman's room by over zealous gender bigots. 

Rest rooms of course produce a unique challenge to the average transgender woman. Unless you live in the rare state or area which you are protected by law to use the restroom of your choice, it pays dividends to pay extra attention to your surroundings and be careful to use common sense women's room etiquette. Examples are many but a few of the most important ones are to sit when you pee (look at the seat first) always stop to wash your hands, don't be afraid to make eye contact with other women and don't put your purse on the floor. Perhaps the most important point to remember is to have the confidence to use the rest room of your choice.

It hasn't always been easy for me during my transition to use the women's room. Years ago I had the police called on me as well as other harrowing experiences. The scariest experience came when my wife Liz and I were on a tour bus trip from our native Ohio to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. The bus made regular rest stops which were bad enough but the one at the border of Mississippi/Alabama was the worst. First of all, I had to wait in a line of women just to pee which I did. When I finished and opened the stall door I came face to face with two hostile looking women glaring at me. I hurriedly excused myself and went to wash my hands and got out of there. It took me a half hour on the bus to finally relax. I half expected a highway patrolman to pull the bus over and seek me out but it never happened. 

Of course, perhaps the major loss of male privilege we experience when we transition away from the "men's club" is personal safety. Growing up we never had the chance to learn what other cis-women are raised to know. Some men are predators and need to be steered clear of. As a male I learned how to not exist with toxic males by being the better guy no matter how hard that was. By bigger I mean the times I had to "puff" myself up to ward off any unwanted angry advances. It was a real gender upbringing when all of that was stripped away and one night I learned the hard way how a man can trap a woman and force himself on her. Nothing happened when my wife walked in except learning a valuable lesson concerning my new life. It could have been much worse. 

These days, more and more cis women face the same pressures we trans women do when it comes to their personal safety. It's important we all keep our heads on a swivel to stay safe when we go out in public. Stay safe out there.

While my Blog Gently Weeps

Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance when we pause to remember all of the transgender women and trans men who have tragically lost their lives this year. Just trying to live as their authentic selves. In addition to the thirty two deaths reported in 2022, the news of the mass shooting at a Colorado Springs Sunday morning (CNN was reporting) a shooting at a LGBTQ nightclub which left five people dead and at least eighteen injured which will surely increase the total.

Just saying this is sad and tragic is not enough of course. Too many of the deaths come from the ranks of transgender women of color and some of them were engaged in the sex trade. Mainly because of family problems when they came out and couldn't find employment because of discrimination. Most had two strikes against them before they ever had a chance to live.

 The lessons to be learned from the Transgender Day of Remembrance are few and impactful. Without living in fear due to potential violence, there are plenty of common sense rules you can follow to help insure your safety. First of all you have to remember when you leave the boys club to play fulltime with the girls you immediately lose a certain amount (or all) of your male privilege. The most important privilege you lose is access to personal safety. An example is don't leave yourself open to being accosted in a dark deserted parking lot, when you enter the world of cis women everywhere. All cis women of course know the possible dangers they face in certain situations. It's why cis women travel in groups when they have to go to possibly dangerous situations. 

Whatever excuse you may try to explain what women go through, very simply neither gender should have to go through violence often perpetuated by toxic males. The moral to the story is to never live scared but learn to watch your surroundings and simply know women have much more to be careful of. Plus,  the extra sad part of transgender murders comes with the element of surprise is thrown in. Or, when a guy is negatively surprised when he is suddenly attracted to an attractive transgender woman. 

Every year this time I hope the new year brings a huge decrease in the number of transgender deaths due to violence. Sadly, it seems a whole political party has dedicated itself to restricting LGBTQ rights, so change will be difficult to come by. Even still, in the future, I hope to weep fewer tears. 

The Mean Streets

 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

When you get down to it, many streets or parking lots just aren't safe for women. All women, cis  or transgender. Yesterday when I was going back to my parking lot alone, I keenly felt the pressure of walking two blocks down an urban street alone. To my benefit, the time I was doing it was just before dusk so there was still plenty of light. Along the way I began to wonder why I didn't see (or notice) any uniformed police presence. Usually, the Cincinnati Police has an LGBT Outreach unit they send. Perhaps they decided to be present at the Transgender flag raising ceremony the same morning at City Hall.  One thing is for sure, I noticed nearly no one during my walk.

I don't move so well anymore so I couldn't move quickly if I had an incident. 

My paranoia proved to be just that and I made it to my car without an incident. There was a time years ago when I didn't. I was still very much a novice when it came to being in a feminine world. I still didn't realize how much of my male privilege I was giving up as I transitioned to a transgender woman. One of the biggest was my personal safety. No longer could I ignore parking in poorly lit parking lots or streets and it came back to haunt me in the worst way.

One night (late) I was coming out of one gay venue in downtown Dayton, Ohio I used to visit on occasion. When I left I was confronted on the sidewalk by two guys wanting money. Luckily I was able to defuse the situation by giving them my last five dollar bill and they let me go on my way. From then on whenever I went back there I made sure I was not alone. I remember vividly the first time I asked a trans man I knew to escort me to my car one night when I left a big gay club. Lesson learned which was reinforced on the night I have written so much about when I was physically threatened by a man at a party I attended. 

As I wrote, none of this is new to a cis gender woman. They grow up living in a world where they are in physical danger at some point in their lives.  One of the most important lessons you need to learn as you begin to navigate the "mean streets." 

None of this is meant to make you paranoid.  It is meant as a gender warning. Just as if you have faced a point in your MtF gender transition when you were treated as a second class citizen , potentially losing your personal security is even worse. 

As many cis women will tell you, welcome to their world. If you are careful, you can negotiate the mean streets just fine as your authentic self. Just don't make the mistake of thinking you can bully your way out of it. Plus, I know some transwomen who carry firearms to protect themselves. Even with my Army weapons training, if I did, I am afraid I would shoot myself before anyone else. Instead I choose to not be alone on the mean streets if I can help it. I am fortunate in I usually am with Liz who is very familiar with Cincinnati and knows where to go and where to stay away from. 

As they used to say on the old "Hill Street Blues" police show, let's be careful out there!