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Jessie Hart Archives 

Most of what I see and react to on  my social media has to do with politics or the occasional reference to the chicken chain I refer to as "Bigot Chicken." (Chick-fil-A) Last night though I received one of the more interesting questions I have seen in a long time. It came from a guy who was new to me and I immediately thought it was one of those leading posts wanting me to send them a friend request or worse. Of course I never respond to those comments. Surprisingly,  this comment was much different.

It turned he didn't care at all I was transgender. He cared because I mentioned I was transgender so prominently in my profile. He went on to say he hoped I understood he wasn't being negative but on the other hand it seemed these days everyone is trying to push their feelings on to everyone else. He used vegetarians as an example. I thanked him for the comment and said I would probably make a blog post from it. I also told him my opinion was people are so picky in promoting their preferences  is because our country is so divided these days. And the divides lead us to wanting to support a certain lifestyle. Especially when it is being threatened to be taken away.  

Then I began to think about what he said. Years ago, my ideal would have been just to live my life as a woman. Without the transgender part added on to it at all. I would have been flattered if I could have been able to go "stealth." as a woman in my life. I would have arrived at my goal of being in the same category as many of the other impossibly feminine transsexuals I had encountered in my life up to that time. What would be the harm in removing the transgender portion of my on line profile and see what happens. After all, for all intents and purposes, I have led a stealth gender life for years now in the public eye, so why not do it on line also?

Suddenly it dawned on me, going stealth about my transgender status would be repeating the same exact mistakes many of the trans generation did before me. Perhaps you remember the days when anyone who went the distance and underwent a sex change surgery (as it was known in those days) was expected to move to another town where nobody knew them. There they would to all intents and purposes disappear and never be heard from again. Which left very few "gender educators" for the rest of us to follow. When I started writing this blog approximately a decade ago, I did it with the hope I could help others who were questioning their gender also. In that sense, nothing has changed. I still hope others receive help from what I write. Even the guy who wondered why I pushed my transgender profile so hard.

I thought I would mention again briefly how important it is to stand up against the gender bigots who want to destroy us and suddenly going stealth on line would certainly not help the cause. So in the meantime, I feel I will leave my profiles alone. I am proud  of being a veteran as well as being transgender and hope I can carry it forward the best I can.   

Happy Transgender Valentines Day

 

From the Jessie Hart Archives
my Valentine Wife Liz on left,

This Valentines Day I have decided to write about  loves I experienced during my life. I have been fortunate in that I have always had a cis woman who more or less put up with me. In chronological order, here they are.

The only woman who did not know I was at the least a cross dresser when we met and dated was my first fiancé. She ultimately became the only woman to ever attempted to completely dress me up as a woman from head to toe. As exciting as it was for me initially, the newness wore off and problems set in. I can't say my cross dressing led to our ultimate separation before I enlisted in the Army. During my interaction with the military draft board, she told me to tell them I was gay to get out of serving to stay home. If I didn't, she told me she would be done with me. When I refused, she followed through on her threat and I was done with her which was probably the best thing that had happened to me to that point in my life.  I was now on my own when I went off to Army basic training at Ft. Knox, Kentucky.

Ironically, my second big romance came courtesy of the Army in Germany. Once I was there for awhile during my two year tour, I met a WAC. Known back then as the Woman's Army Corps. We started to date to the point we decided to keep seeing each other after we were discharged from the military. She knew I was a cross dresser from the beginning of our relationship so I didn't have to worry about telling her my innermost secret. To make a long story short, we ended up getting along well enough to get married and she gave birth to my daughter. Who turned out to be my only child.  The relationship lasted nearly five years until I was literally knocked over when I met my wife to be of twenty five years. It was love at first sight and somehow, someway I knew I just had to establish a relationship with her.

After a lengthy courtship behind my first wife's back, I managed to win her over. Even when I told her I was a cross dresser also. I can't say the twenty five years were not at times rocky but for the most part they were interesting. Even though she fought completely any thoughts I was transgender, I still loved her dearly until her completely surprise death at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack. I was destroyed for years.

I was still very much dealing with a possible transgender transition when I met Liz and several others who helped me more than they ever knew. It has been over eleven years ago since Liz and I met and we were married last October at the urging of my daughter. Just one of the major things I remember about our relationship over the years was when Liz told me she had never seen anything but female in me.

Over the years of my life I have been fortunate to have been loved and to love several Valentine's which passed through. Perhaps being transgender made the process a little different of course I can't speak for others. But since I came from a family who wasn't known to show emotions and even speak of love, being transgender or not has made the love experience special to me.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you also and thanks for reading along.  

  

The Peaks and Valleys

 Being Bi-Polar myself, I have become used to the ups and downs of my mood reactions to life. Quite possibly, before I was diagnosed with my own version of being "Bi" I did my share of hiding behind a dress to take my mind off the daily stresses of life. 

Of course, I could argue the simplest stresses came from trying my best to live up to male standards as I lived my life. 

The older I got and after I was honorably discharged from the Army, the worse my mental issues became. On occasion it was a struggle to just to get out of bed on certain days. Along the way, I finally resorted to therapy. The first guy I went to was a total waste of time as he didn't seem to want to discuss my fondness for cross dressing at all. I solved the problem by going to one of the very few therapists in Ohio at the time who had any knowledge at all of cross dressers as this was way before the transgender idea was even discussed. 

Ironically, it was her who diagnosed me being bi-polar and was able to separate it from my gender dysphoria. She was blunt (and truthful) when she said my desire to be a girl would never go away. For the first time in my life I felt a glimmer of hope. 

Even still, it was difficult for me to separate my two main issues and continue to live a reasonably successful life as a cross dresser. Meaning I was a woman cross dressing as a man. Years later when I needed to take advantage of the Veterans Administration health care, I was paranoid if I would find a therapist who would understand my complex problem. Fortunately I did and amazingly nearly ten years later she still is my VA therapist.

She was the "gold standard" for me as she signed off on helping me begin my hormone replacement therapy all the way to providing me documentation to facilitate changing my legal gender markers in the civilian world plus within the VA itself.  I consider her as one of my top three people who assisted in my early Mtf gender transition. 

These days, while I still have the occasional valleys in my life to climb out of, my medications keep my moods relatively stable and I am able to understand when  gender dysphoria  enters my life. More so than my Bi-Polar condition. 

Most importantly, I have done away with my self harm issues. It took a while to separate all of this out but thanks to a ton of help I have learned to live the peaks and valleys.

Monday, Monday

Not much interesting happening for me today. Tonight one of the cross dresser- transgender support groups I belong to is having a meeting discussing attempting to secure insurance as a transgender person. Since I am a trans vet and have all my health care through the Veteran's Administration, I have no need to go to the meeting.

Tomorrow could be be interesting because my other LGBTQ support group meets. One never knows what sort of interesting cast of characters could be attending.

I will let you know what happens.

I found this old picture I thought I would pass along. I didn't know ii even existed. It includes two of my oldest friends who accepted me...as me and helped me in my MTF gender transition more than I could ever say.

The woman on the right is the one we visited for the Fourth of July party.

It Caught Me Again!

Our Springlike weather for one week and back to winter the next caught me this time. If you listen closely you can hear my very horse voice. Needless to say, I hate it but I seem to be coming out the other side of it now, finally.

Plus, the "Rolls" broke down again this weekend and is in the shop again. Plus, the VA all of the sudden wanted money from 2016 which I thought I had been making payments on. Obviously Uncle Sam needed the 150 bucks worse than I thought I did.

Waah!!!! March does this every year to us, so Spring is about a month away! This year I even have some new wardrobe items!

Cyrsti's Condo Monday Morning Edition

Greetings and welcome into another Cyrsti's Condo Monday morning edition. It's chilly here in Southwestern Ohio, but so far we have missed most of the snow just North of us. Let's grab a steamy "cup o Joe" and get started.

Page One: The Week that Was-or Wasn't: Nothing too amazing to report in my life. Of course the post election news continues to sizzle and I try not to be too paranoid what it means to the LGBT community moving forward. It's tough though with some of the appointee's being announced. Already some of the reforms in neighboring states (Kentucky) are under attack with new bills expected to pass which would open the doors wide open again to LGBTQ discrimination. I guess if you are one of the transgender Trump voters...here you go. Discrimination on yourself.

Page Two: The Holidays: It doesn't seem possible but it has been close to a year now when I changed all my legal gender markers. Somehow, it is seemingly making Christmas a little brighter this year. Unfortunately, I know the Holidays are a rough time for many transgender women and men who have been disowned by their families.

My family split right down the middle of the acceptance road with a total breakdown of relations with my brother's family. I am fortunate though to have been totally accepted by my daughter's in laws and Liz's family. So, I know a little of both sides of the road-per norm.

Page Three: The Back Page: As I said, it's been pretty quiet around here. I don't know yet if I am going to the Cincinnati VA Women's Christmas Party this week because of car issues. But, I am going to try. I think I should still try. It is Wednesday. I also have my "Safe Space" meeting Friday I try to go to without fail. So, it will be a "social" week if I can pull it off.

In the meantime, my laptop battery is telling me it's time to go. I love you all and thanks for taking the time to stop past Cyrsti's Condo!

Jessie (My legal name.)

Time Flies

My Mom said it best: "Never wish time away, it's like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end you come, the faster it goes."

I didn't quite wish the year away but it doesn't seem possible it's been that long since I began to legalize my gender markers, and here I am taking care of my annual driver's license/ car registration renewals. Otherwise known as yet another money grab by the state.

Looking back over the year with all of you, as much as I want to whine about my minor (fortunately) health issues, I really don't have a lot to complain about.

Even the gender marker path wasn't too bad here in Ohio except I still can't get my birth certificate gender changed which means I still can't use the rest room in some states.

As we all know, our basic health is everything and even the VA seems to be on the upswing.

Plus, I have been semi successful in not talking politics (or religion) except with my closest friends and hopefully will be invited on a couple paranormal adventures in October.

So life is good right now as my toilet paper roll spins faster.

Now it's time to go give my taxation without representation money to the state.

Trans Dar?

Any more I don't know if mine works, or if it just serves to put me into a mine field.

Take today for example. I went to my first endocrinologist appointment at the Cincinnati VA Hospital Center. The difference being the Cinci center is much bigger than my former one in Dayton, Ohio. I checked myself into the "Endo" waiting room and there was a woman sitting there by herself. For all the world she looked trans but when I tried to speak she shot me a withering glance.

So I don't know if she truly was or wasn't transgender which brings another question, "Why does the potential for abuse exist at all between trans sisters?"

I know Connie for one has touched on it. As we pass each other on the street, we still carry enough ego to think being "busted" by another trans person is some sort of failure. After all, if we "passed" each other, we could pass the world?

The woman today quite simply could have been a bible thumping/snake worshiper from nearby Kentucky or rural Ohio.

If she was, I wonder what she would have thought about my female Muslim Doctor?

Maybe I could change my "Trans Dar" to "Arse Dar" with the glaring woman because my doctor for one knew little to nothing about transgender women or men and was very cool.

Trans-u-cation is always good!!!!

J.J's Sunday Edition

Kristin Beck

Ker Plunk! A Fourth of July Sunday Edition is hitting your virtual front porch!
Weather: A coolish gray day here in Southwestern Ohio, expecting a rain out tomorrow though for the fourth itself. A great morning for a iced "cup o joe" or Chai Tea. Grab a cup and lets get started.

Page One: The Week that Was-or Wasn't: Last week brought the return of Caitlyn Jenner to the transgender spotlight with a cover on Sports Illustrated and kind comments about the "Make America White" again candidate Donald Trump.  On the other hand there are many other true transgender roll models to celebrate on the birth place of our nation such as Kristin Beck, the retired Navy Seal.

Page Two: Yesterdays' Coffee-Opinion: First of all, we all should never forget that freedom is never free and my thanks go out to all the active and trans vets who gave up to and all of their lives to protect us in places which just seemed crazy-until the world spins into the hot mess it is today. Thanks to all and mostly, the active service transgender members who were finally legalized by the Pentagon.

Page Three: Junk Yard Dawgs? This week, yes I did whine and cry about my trip to a junk yard with Liz. She finally told me to quiet down and at the least I knew a little about cars and not be a pretty, pretty princess again-point taken (dammit). I suggest you go back to the post "Damn Bucket List" and read Connie's totally different spin on a similar subject!

Page Four: The Back Page: Well kids, it's time to go and enjoy the day. Where ever you may be, I hope you enjoy your weekend. Thanks for spending your precious time here at J.J's house. Luv ya all!!!

Finally

In a previous life I was drafted into the military and fought in the Vietnam Era's debacle war. Seems like each generation has one.

I have always carried some guilt over my lack of protest when push came to shove. 

Very few of us though are fortunate enough to live second lives as transgender women or trans men and to make some sort of difference.

This time, I am finally working my way onto a couple committees to give of myself to help others in the Cincinnati Metro transgender community. 

I have spoken about both, but not together. 

The first is I'm working towards helping to put together this years "Transgender Day of Remembrance" in Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky which is turning out to be an exceeding intricate large process. Not to mention difficult, when all you are working with is volunteers from essentially two close but geographically diverse places.

The second will begin Tuesday for me at the Dayton VA. Some time ago, my therapist asked me if I would be interested in an "outreach" program of sorts for transgender veterans which would originate with her. At the time I said sure! Then out of the clear blue sky, she called Thursday and said she was trying to put the first meeting together for next week, and could I make it?

Again, I said sure. Anything I could do to help a fellow trans veteran along and sometimes even survive.

She said she is expecting a small group of four for the first group to organize for the future.

Making the most of what I have done, will prepare me for the future! "Momma Karma" has had to given me a second chance for a reason.

Trans Vet Fighting Again!

 From CHARLOTTE, NC (WBTV) -

Charlotte resident Janice Allison refuses to abide by the bathroom principles laid out in North Carolina's House Bill 2. A military veteran and transgender woman herself, she made her stance on the law clear at last week’s Charlotte City Council meeting.

For more, go here.

JJ's Sunday Edition

Ker Plunk! A JJ's Memorial Day Sunday edition is hitting your virtual front porch. Let's get's started with the weather.
As predicted around here, it was Spring one day and Summer the next with the hot sticky temps so much a part of Ohio weather. So this morning, it's time for a cup of iced "Joe" (coffee) before I take off to the VA for the Patriot Days picnic. Let's get started:

Page One: The Week that Was - or Wasn't: Much of my week was deciding if I was going to the Picnic today and taking on two doctors appointments. I also got the thrilling news on the scheduling of my colonoscopy. Actually the day before (clean out) has been worse for me than the procedure itself. My problem this time is my highly androgynous body. But any of it is better than a possible case of colon cancer. Now, off that shitty topic :) and on to Tia Goward.

Tia is a transgender athlete in Alaska. From the Alaska Dispatch News: 
In what is believed to be a first for Alaska, a transgender athlete competed in an individual event at a high school championship Friday at the state track and field meet at Dimond Alumni Field in Anchorage.

Page Two: Yesterdays Coffee - Opinion: On/during the Memorial Day Weekend, I think I made my opinion very clear in yesterday's post and many before. Number One: we should be honoring our veterans who served and/or gave up the ultimate sacrifice for our country and Number Two: We shouldn't forget our transgender active duty members who are serving in the closet. Supposedly change is coming soon-we will see.

Page Three: The Back Page: Scholarships! Applications are now being accepted for Fantasia Fair 2016 scholarships. Deadlines for application is are no later than July 15. For more information please visit here 
http://www.fantasiafair.org

In the meantime,thanks for taking your time and stopping by JJ's. Enjoy your weekend!

The Good News or the Bad News

When someone asks me that I say "Give me the bad first, the good will feel better!" 

Sort of like yesterday, I received my new checks to use, but now I have to use them.

Then today as I showed up for my blood letting (Phlebotomy), as I was checking in, the only two guys in the waiting room asked was it "a boy or girl." I tensed up and whirled around ready to go to war with them until it turned out they were talking about a story on CBS This Morning called "Raising Ryland. About an eight year old transgender boy.

Ryland and Mom

The good news happened to be both of them seemingly did not have a negative attitude about it. They were just amazed he used be "a girl" at all (their words.)

Where is That Damn Mailman?

Not that don't think the mailman isn't the most sexy guy in the world normally, but yesterday he became even more desirable when he dropped off the first set of estrogen patches from the VA.

I have one more set coming (I hope) today then the plan is to restart my full set of HRT on New Years Eve.

Exactly three years since I started the first time in 2012 (New Years Eve).

Wow! 

Jess I Am

Well, I can't remember the day I was born the first time, but today was as close as a person could come to being born again- (although some believe a religious experience can get them there.)

If you stop by Cyrsti's Condo much I'm sure you have read this was a huge day for me. At 10 o'clock this morning, Liz and I were meeting in front of a probate court judge to get "Jessie Jeanne" legalized as my new name. Before you have your own idea's of a naming ceremony-the name represents a combination of family names. (Another blog post-as well as name progressions, or regressions during my life.)

Mind you, we had to make the nearly two hour drive to my old home town to do it. Following the "ceremony" we had to keep moving and stopped at my old building for another load of old clothes we are putting together to give to homeless shelters around here and then headed over to Dayton to the VA Center. Very quickly, we were able to interrupt the VA officer handling my gender/name changes and give him the newly "minted"name change papers - to get the gender process completed there.

From there we headed back to Cincinnati. Liz picked up some yarn for a project she was doing and I completed the forms to send over to the state BMV to begin the process to change my drivers's license. 

By this time it was time for dinner.

Afterwards, I was able to beg my way into having her helping me set up the new lap top and- here I am!

Such a day ! Details to come.

Hell! They Tried to Kill Me?

First of all, thanks to all of you who thanked me for my service! Mandy and Connie specifically! You two, my daughter and partner Liz made four! Then again, I suppose I don't fit the stereotype of the trans "vet" next door.

In the meantime-yesterday, I went in for another "blood letting" and lab workup and even a visit with my real live Doc.  The problem became when the sequence of the appointments became screwed up. I went to the Doc before the vampires took another pint. The good news was I didn't really need another "session" yesterday but the vampires were not to be denied.  (The bad news.) 

So, since my numbers came back into line so fast, even the nurse brought in from "American Horror Story" to take care of me-won't now for at least a month. She became aggravated when they tried to set me up another blood letting in two weeks and I told her to talk to the Doc...and found out she was wrong...bitch!

The roughest part of all though was making the trip (about 75 miles) down I-75 back to Cincinnati- in the dark-a bumper car zone at it's best.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Kerplunk! Welcome to another Sunday edition. Our Labor Day issue and an abbreviated one to be sure. As happens often, Labor Day around here often is "smokin" with more than the neighborhood grills in the area. It's hot and humid, so a big cup of "iced joe" is in order for this morning.

Page One-The Week That Was-or Wasn't: I am going to be selfish and mention the week was mostly all about me. Thursday was absolutely huge for me. I began treatment for my "PCT" at the VA Hospital I go to. They are taking a unit of blood out of me every two weeks for awhile to get my iron in under control in my system. The good news is, they don't think my liver or heart has sustained any damaged. I have been quiet as a person like me can be, but no one yet has mentioned the effects of my HRT. However, my endocrinologist appointment is coming up the first of October. I am sure he will have something to say. 

Page Two: What a Crazy BITCH! Thursday was also the day I proved I still had it- I pissed off the crazy woman (cat lady-sis in law) enough to kick me out. She said the magic words "why don't you get out and move full time to Liz's." Well, she made Liz the happiest woman in southwestern Ohio. She has wanted me down here full time for literally years. As luck  would have it, I have the old place up in Springfield squared away enough to finally sell anyway. Timing is everything. I did forget to mention she miss pronoun-ed four times alone in two hours at the veterans hospital. The entire medical staff bends over backward to treat me with respect-except her.

Page Three: "Spin Move": Yesterday, after a very large and hot day at the grocery store, we were shopping for dinner. At the produce department we passed an older (than me) woman who looked at me once, twice and was preparing to make it three times. I had had enough and just turned abruptly to look at her. She was startled, maybe a little embarrassed (I hope) and quickly looked down. 

Page Four: The Back Page: Last week provided at least one closing of a chapter in my life which always opens another. I will post about all of it the best I can in the near future. In the meantime, THE Ohio State Buckeyes open their season tomorrow night and I have a scheduled small speaking spot coming up fairly quick in September. 

Got to go! Luv ya all!!! thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo!!!        

Therapy?

Today is my second therapist appointment of the winter. Actually, looking back, only having to reschedule twice since January isn't too bad considering our weather.

I have a problem with therapist appointments. Are they supposed to talk?  Get me started jabbering and I dominate without thinking about anything else. Last time I even stopped and asked the therapist if she was supposed to talk? The problem I have with therapy sessions are-what are we having them about?  In my case, actually, being transgender is just a small part of why I'm there. Everything else in my world is what has a tendency to get in my way.  As I think about it though, much does come from reestablishing myself in the world in the gender I always wanted to be.  Yesterday, I even locked up in a conversation with my sister in law concerning the internal changes of HRT on me.  She asked what? After stuttering around I finally said, it's a whole new gender world for me. I can't explain it to you because you grew up with it.  Enough said?

Rightly or wrongly too-as far as I know, the therapist I am assigned to at the VA, may have never seen another transgender person before. But, I do know at my clinic at least, they became very concerned about my mental well being after I expressed concern last December.  Either way, it's all good. I wish I could forward any relevant info from today's session, but you all read enough of my jabbering here in Cyrsti's Condo, so I won't bore you more.  At least the therapist is getting paid!!!