Trip Number One

 

Hair after salon image 
Jessie Hart
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Way back when, one of the first priorities I had was coming out to my only child, a daughter. Of course I was properly scared to death the morning I told her at breakfast. 

It turned out all the paranoia I felt was unfounded when she wholeheartedly supported me. Which she does to this day. Outside of my wife Liz, she is one of my biggest transgender allies. Especially since her oldest child came out to her as trans, so she had some experience with the entire situation. 

When I came out to my daughter, I had a chance to let my hair grow out to the point where it could be styled professionally at a beauty salon. Which at the time seemed to be the impossible dream. It also was close to my birthday so as it turned out my birthday gift was a trip to her (daughter's) very upscale salon for a color and trim. 

Even though the entire idea of going to a women's beauty salon  really scared me, how could I refuse such a wonderful gift. Before I knew it, the time to meet her and go through with the visit was upon me. For my first visit my daughter came with me to essentially hold my hand, because I was almost ready to panic and run out the front door. But I didn't. As I nervously sat and waited with a cup of coffee, I wondered what was going to lie ahead and what color was I going to choose for my new hair. Since I had retired, I didn't have to worry about any negative responses from employers or fellow employees. Freed up from all that worry, I was able to worry about my choices.

Finally, it was my turn to be called back to my new stylist. Predictably, the salon itself was long and narrow with a single line of women in chairs being styled. Walking in front of all of them and feeling their eyes on me did not do me any favors when it came to my nervousness. After greetings were exchanged, the first priority was picking a color to change what was left of my dark hair which was my natural color. By mutual agreement between the stylist, my daughter and myself, we decided to go with a streaked light red and blond look. Plus, since my hair is naturally wavy, the stylist straightened it out. Which later on I found I didn't like.  

By the time all of this was happening, I thought I was getting a contact buzz from all the estrogen in the room. Through it all, I quickly discovered what I was missing by never being able to go to a woman's only space such as an upscale beauty salon. Before I moved, I ended up going back several times before I moved away to Cincinnati. Plus, the more I went, the more I relaxed and enjoyed the experience. 

It took awhile but I found and set up many appointments with a new stylist here in Cincinnati who happened to have a transgender son. Again she was very good at her craft and I enjoyed going to her for hair advice and stylings before she retired due to problems with her hands. With her though, the experience was singular because there were no gauntlet of women to walk past everytime I went. She had her own little cubical. 

I will forever be in debt to my daughter for her birthday gift so many years ago which brought me into the  world of beauty salons. From that point forward, I began to understand why women spend so much time and money on their hair.

The Power of Estrogen

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

On occasion when I apply my dosage of Estradiol  patches, I pause to consider the effects on my body. Since I have been on hormone replacement therapy for years now, I take many of the changes for granted. Which I know I never should. I never know when my health may deteriorate and I may have to discontinue HRT. 

To begin with, I was one of the fortunate transgender individuals who at my age (early 60's) had passed the health screenings so I could begin wholesale changes to my body. Little did I know my body would just be the beginning to the changes I would experience.  Before you begin to think this is going to be another post about the usual effects of HRT, it is not. The usual effects happened relatively quickly for me, my hair and breasts grew, my skin softened and my selfish desire to be able to present well as a transgender woman was achieved  Reasons for the quick changes could have been I already had a higher level of natural estrogen in my body (which I never had checked) or most likely was my age which would have signaled a decrease in my testosterone anyhow.

What I didn't realize my brief gender euphoria I achieved would be short lived. Quickly I experienced new emotional highs and lows while at the same time I was going through the second major gender puberty in my life. I will never forget the first time I went through hormone induced hot flashes and I thought I was going to internally combust. Emotional changes included being able to cry for the first time in my life, for any number of reasons. An example was the sunset I was watching on my porch when an approaching small thunderstorm approached. For no apparent reason I began to softly cry. I think I cried because I was losing what remained of my old male self. Before I was unable to cry for even my closest family members when they passed away.

In no time at all, the emotions of beginning my new hormonal journey far outpaced the outward physical changes which occurred.  One of the changes which occurred was when my bodies' thermostat was effectively destroyed. Before hormones, similar to any other macho guy, I didn't really put much belief into when a woman told me she was cold. When I became cold all the time, I became that woman. My cis woman friends back then just told me welcome to their world. Little did they know. their world was the place I so badly wanted to experience. All the way to changing my hormonal gender levels through medication. 

I know also, many transgender women for health reasons can not undertake HRT and have never missed it. Perhaps they always had a higher natural estrogen level to begin with or are living proof gender comes from between the ears, not between the legs. 

In all cases too, socialization needs to be considered when we consider what makes a woman or a man. Socialization is so important when someone makes it (or doesn't)  In other words, some females or males never make it to the level of being women or men. For whatever reason, their life's journey is interrupted. 

Most importantly to me, estrogen took the hard edge of testosterone off of me. More than my hair, breasts and hips, my internal peace of who I had became was the new focus of my life. I was mellowed out by my new hormonal self induced (and doctor) monitored levels. Once I started the process I never needed to look back. As you can tell, HRT to me was much more than the physical results.   

Whose Fault was It

 I often think about and sometimes write about what if I was never gender dysphoric and ultimately made it my life's goal to be a woman. In fact, if someone had asked me early in life (and I gave a honest answer) what I really wanted to do with my life, somewhere in the answer, being a girl would have made it into the conversation. Of course I never had the courage to answer like that.

Photo Courtesy
J,J, Hart

I have written before on the effects of the drug DES which was given to pregnant women who had a history of problem pregnancies'. What is DES? Diethylstilbestrol (DES) is a synthetic form of the female hormone estrogen. It was prescribed to pregnant women between 1940 and 1971 to prevent miscarriage, premature labor, and related complications of pregnancy.  I fit the description as I was born in 1949 and my mother suffered from a string of cruel miscarriages and still births. So it's very possible I was a DES baby.

What did it mean to me? Most likely a lifetime of gender struggle. I wish I could reclaim just a small portion of the energy it took me to stay in the male gender lane. 

I wish too I could have had a chance to experience just a small lesson into what a girl went through growing up. I remember quite vividly the changes I went through when male puberty took over my body. I remember too how I didn't like it but thought I didn't really have much of a choice. I am happy for the young transgender youth of today who at the least have a possibility of being prescribed hormone blockers to help development  into their authentic selves. 

Looking back at the process now, I'm sure my Mom who was a very forceful individual would have forced her "daughter's" hand  into going to the same college as she did along with being in the same sorority. I can only imagine the pressure she put on me as a son would have increased dramatically

Most certainly there would have been other trade off's too. The primary one concerns my time in the military. Seeing as how I have to add in all the years the Vietnam War hung around for, caused me to have to worry about going and serving. All the worry led me to the ultimate prize of meeting my first wife and her birthing my daughter who I cherish as the greatest gift of my life.

For the most part, my gender condition was no one's fault. In the end I was given lipstick and learned to wear it and if it wasn't for DES I may not be around to experience the gender euphoria I feel on occasion. 

I wonder if DES had come with a transgender warning label if Mom would have decided to take it.

It's Patch Day

Banquet Picture
Credit Cyrsti Hart

 Every Tuesday and Friday during the week I change out my Estradiol patches. 

Over the years I have come to accept my femininizing meds as the most important medication I take except my bi-polar meds. 

Approximately eight years ago I started down the hormone replacement therapy path. I began with a doctor who prescribed minimum doses until we could see how my body adapted. Other than a six month stoppage due to another health problem, I have been on the femininizing meds ever since.

Every once in awhile I do write about the changes here in Cyrsti's Condo but I try not to because results vary so completely among users. Plus, since I have such a difficult time remembering last week, recalling exact times and dates of HRT changes are difficult to come up with.

I do have several thoughts on the timings to pass along, although your results could vary. First of all, make certain you have a medical professional to monitor your dosage. Estrogen is a powerful drug and abuse can cause you health problems.

Now, lets get back to the matter at hand. Most likely since I was in my early sixties when I started, changes didn't take long to appear. My natural supply of testosterone was on the way down anyhow. What I remember most was how my breasts started to change, along with my emotions it seemed. I prefer to describe the whole experience as my world was suddenly softening. I rediscovered long hidden emotions which went all the way to experiencing hot flashes which didn't do me any good when I discovered I was cold all the time and women weren't just making it up.

I was fortunate in that I inherited a full head of hair which started to grow longer and thicker with HRT. Body hair started to thin except for my beard which had never been very thick to start with. All of this  went along with skin softening. Amazingly, my appearance took on a more feminine look with new softer lines.

One other thing which never changed was my voice. Along the way I did try vocal lessons but wasn't really satisfied with the results.

As I look back  on all the years I experienced on  hormone replacement therapy, I am so thankful my body was able to accept the changes it went through. 

Every patch day, I pause and thank the Goddess for her help in guiding me down a path not many humans experience. All of which is dependent of my little patches. Then again, I have  an appointment coming up next week with my Endocrinologist, she holds the ultimate future of my journey in her hands. 

In many ways I feel the patches have provided me with an exciting yet terrifying magic carpet ride.

Double Edged Sword?

Looking back at the decade which is almost over, I can't help but marvel at the changes which occurred.

Specifically, in 2010 I was struggling totally with my gender identity. The more I lived and experimented with living in a feminine world, the more natural I felt. Unfortunately though, the better I felt the harder it was to give up my male past. After all, there were so many huge questions to answer. Most of my immediate family (my parents) had passed away, as well as most of my closest friends. I only had to worry about my only sibling (a brother) and my only child (a daughter).

Both of them turned out to be my first sword. My daughter embraced me while my brother rejected me. I have written profusely concerning both. Essentially though, my brother refused to accept me while selling out to his right wing, red neck, in laws. I was fortunate in that I gained so much more than I lost.

Of utmost importance in the decade, was meeting my partner Liz. She basically found me struggling to find myself on a series of online dating sites. Ironically, Liz was looking for a woman when she found me.

On the sites, I was still struggling with my sexuality, thinking I needed a man to be a woman. As it turned out, I didn't. Before Liz came along, I was able to make friends with two lesbians who did more than they would ever know in helping me in my new explorations of the feminine world. All wasn't so rosy though as the sword swung again as I was kicked out of one place I frequented and had the cops called on me in another. On the other hand, I distinctly remember a spaghetti dinner I attended at Zena's (a cis woman friend) when I wore my black short skirt and heels.

As always though, the sword swung back during the decade and I found myself reaping the benefits of hormone replacement therapy. An old transgender friend once told me I "passed" out of sheer will power. So I needed every bit of help I could get in the transgender presentation department.  It seems impossible to me now it was over seven years ago when Liz and I went out on New Years Eve and I took my first small doses of estrogen. Years later I can thank the meds for softer skin, longer hair, breasts and on certain days, crazy emotions.

All in all, it has been quite the decade for me. As I look back on it, the decade has been right up next to the 1970's for me as a time of turmoil and discovery. The sword swung mightily in both decades teaching me that life is but a circle.

The sword of course is just another mystical symbol. Life is also directed by destiny. If you don't take chances, it may never find you.

Success

Finally my endocrinologist got in touch with me yesterday.  Approximately a week and half ago I did my blood labs to check my hormone levels.

My testosterone levels came back half of what the normal prescribed amount, so that is good if you are a transgender woman. Which of course I am. No real surprise because at my age, my testosterone would be decreasing anyway.

More importantly my estrogen amount was also low enough to be able to increase my dosage of estradiol (estrogen).

Since I passed all my blood clot, heart, lung and colon tests with flying colors, I was approved for an increase in my hormone patches from 1.5 milligrams to 2.0. Now all I am left with wondering how long it will take me to get my new patches.

What I hope will happen is a decrease in my overall body hair again and maybe an increase in my hips. The process started then stopped.

Of course due to my age and VA supervision, I have to be monitored again in about six months. By "monitored" I mean I have to have my blood tests done again to check my estrogen level. Sometimes I am fairly certain I set a record for the number of blood tests taken at the Dayton, Ohio VA.

I am not complaining though. I have been trying to get my Estradiol increased for the past year or so. With the increase, I still will only be at the level of several of the other trans women I know. I also know my endocrinologist is acting out of caution. Again due to my age.

Which I appreciate.

Mammogram

Well, I finally got off my rear and scheduled my mammogram appointment for Monday. It's actually in an easier hospital to get to for me and I don't have to navigate the congested maze of hospitals located around the downtown medical center. Plus I won't have to walk as far.

Yesterday, I also left a message with my endocrinologist asking her if she ever received my blood test labs which measure the estradiol (synthetic estrogen) and testosterone levels in my body. I have not heard back yet from her. One way or another it's not earth shattering because I am not trying to do anything very dramatic. Also, going through my Doc is the safest way to go.

Changing subjects here, the very crowded Democratic primary seems to keep adding people many of us have never heard of. Certain groups through are attempting to sort through all the political BS to give us a deeper look into the candidates. In fact, Democratic candidates will be facing off on LGBTQ issues in a forum this fall. It's a long read, but you can go here to check it out. It helped me to at least put ideas with names for a change.

The event is scheduled for October 10th, which coincides with the "National Coming Out Day."

Appointment Made

I finally summoned the courage to get a real live professional to work on my hair, or should I say, she got the courage!

The appointment is not until June 26th, time enough to have my hair colored again. Which it needs. The stylist donates 20 percent of what ever I pay to one of the transgender charities here in Cincinnati and even has a transgender child herself. My goal is to look my best for one or both of the Fourth of July parties we have been invited to.

Years ago, I used to go to a stylist when I first went full time and absolutely loved the overall "estrogen" laden experience of being in a cis women's hair salon. Due to moving and financial considerations, I have not made it back.

My new stylist is here in Cincinnati and I should be able to set up regular six week appointments with her.

Maybe she can tame down this wild mane of hair. I think I have transitioned past the point of seeing how well (and long) can it grow, to trying to look better. I want to experiment with  bangs and get my hair in the back evened out.

Should be a fun and interesting time!

J.J.'s Sunday Edition

Hello All! Another Sunday Edition is hitting your virtual front porch! KerPlunk! 
Weather: We are in what I call a summer lull here in Ohio when Momma Nature gives us a break from the heat and humidity for a couple days. It has been really nice and I hope it is too where you are.

Page One: The Week that Was-or Wasn't: Here on the blog, the chatter over the drug DES very much dominated the conversation. Michelle Hart wrote (no relation I think):

"I see that the DES controversy has come out to play once again. I remember in the infancy of the internet, when many of us sought the hows and whys of who we were, many latched onto this tidbit of information. You have to remember that back in the late 80's early 90's, everyone had information to share, whether it was the right information didn't matter."
And went on: Today, I just think to myself the immortal words of Popeye, "I ams what I ams and that all I ams."
Plus, January Powell wrote: "Having previously miscarried, Mom got estrogen -- DES, I guess? She said the popular alternative then was thalidomide; call me lucky.

Thanks to all who commented on the original post.

Page Two: Yesterday's Coffee-Opinion: Once again the world was spinning upside down or even out of control with the events in Dallas, Baton Rouge  and elsewhere. As crazy and tragic as all of this has been-some of the reaction I have seen has been worse. Some are calling for the "zombie apocalypse" is or worse yet...other end of days. What bugs me the fact I know so many good people on both sides of the spectrum. And, most certainly we can't attempt to run a society without a police force.

If once we get there, the evangelicals have just built a full fledged reproduction of the Ark down in Kentucky which may be a place to run to. Somehow though, I don't think any of the LGBT community would be allowed in two by two, and what rest rooms would we trans folk use?

I'm far from a genius but somehow we need to stop the indiscriminate killing by and of police and start to heal so together we can face an every looming greater terrorist threat.

I'm also kind of jealous in that I would love to see my grand-kids inherit a functioning country.

Page Three: Shopping On a lighter note (finally), Liz and I are thinking about taking a trip to Maine later on this fall, and it's never too early to consider what I am going to wear for the cooler weather. I have always considered seasonal shopping to be one of the greatest pleasures of being a girl!!!

Page Four: The Back Page: Well kids, it's a busy day ahead with the youngest grandson's 5th birthday party, so I must go. Take a moment to set aside your mistrust and even hatred and worship whatever higher being you believe in...we all need it!
Luv you all!!
JJ 

You're Such a Boob!

Since summer time is almost here, it's time to take a look at my bra situation again and judge what HRT has or hasn't done. To explain it, I thought I would pass along an old archive post:

"Finally it's becoming evident the hormones are beginning to gain more and more ground in my quest for bigger breasts.
Over the years my bras have been more of a "hit and miss" effort. much was determined by the size "d" breast forms I've owned for years.  Anyway you cut it, I'm a big girl and bigger breasts should come with the package to fill out my figure.
Now though it is time to actually measure my body and find what cup size I have developed to over the last 16 months or so on HRT. Here's a chart I used:

After I used a cloth tape measure and measured around my chest below my breasts and then around the fullest part of them and took the difference, it turned out to be just under 2 inches.

On the chart, the difference in My Standard Cup Size was:


AA.- 0" to 1/2" (1.3cm)
A.- 1/2"- 1" (2.6 cm)
B.- 2" (5.1 cm)
C.- 3"  (7.6 cm)
D.-  4" (10.2 cm)

Naturally (no pun intended) I was happy with the results. I felt I was filling out a full "A" cup but never a "B" yet. As I have mentioned, supposedly my mother's genetics have a lot to do with this process. She was well endowed so I hope I can eventually develop to a full "C" on the hormones alone."

Ironically, I hate to wear a bra, but have to now since I am passing the "perky" stage. It's also becoming evident I am becoming more and more in tune with my hormones. For example last night I began to feel the beginnings of a fairly rare hot flash coming on-on one of the days I change out my estrogen patches. Plus, I am beginning to predict how I will feel afterwards.

I still have a dream of affording a breast job some day, but the way life is going, I may have a much better use for 4,500 dollars!

What the 'Bleep???'

It's that time kids...The end of a year, which of course always forces us to think "What the Bleep?" Did I do that? 

As 2016 rapidly approaches, it's time to do just that...over a couple posts.

First things first though. Yesterday Liz and I attended the one year memorial of the tragic suicide of transgender teen  Leelah Alcorn. The tough subject was handled with class and dignity.

2015 for me also marked the most serious health scare of my life, which resulted in suspension of my estrogen until the Doc's tracked my liver/iron problems. Fortunately, the first new prescription (of two) came in the mail recently (as you probably read here in Cyrsti's Condo.) I never had to stop my testosterone blocker though.

Estrogen is a funny critter.  Over the years I have found many in the "community" have taken the hormone illegally to the point of injury. And, others have used the fact they were on estrogen mainly to brag and seemingly use it to hammer others. Something like "Whoo Hoo!" I'm on the 'Juice' -nadee-nadee-boo boo!

Then there is Maria!: 

Good luck, Girlfriend! I'm GG and they won't give me HRT (which I need due to a hysterectomy 25 years ago) because my mom had breast cancer. I am happy for you, though. For sure. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks Maria !! I had been on estrogen for approximately three years. Enough to feel and understand the changes I was going through. I think you need the full three to have any idea of the effects, or should I say the nuances on a male body.

My goal is now (as I begin again) is to be a quicker "study" of the feminine changes which will be happening again.

Finally, here is my usual HRT disclaimer: Just because I (or anyone) is on HRT does not mean I am a more accomplished transgender woman than anyone else. I'm not a Doc of any sorts, but for ME the balance of way less testosterone and way more estrogen in my body has been completely and totally dramatic. Consider too, you may be already have higher estrogen or testosterone levels to deal with.

In my next post we are going to look at the the boring but equally as dramatic world of gender markers and how they mesh with HRT. 

Where is That Damn Mailman?

Not that don't think the mailman isn't the most sexy guy in the world normally, but yesterday he became even more desirable when he dropped off the first set of estrogen patches from the VA.

I have one more set coming (I hope) today then the plan is to restart my full set of HRT on New Years Eve.

Exactly three years since I started the first time in 2012 (New Years Eve).

Wow! 

Girl Interrupted

More great news yesterday! My estrogen was found not to be the basis of my liver problems this summer...and I am allowed to resume my dosage ASAP. 

Estrogen is like a snowflake, for the most part  the hormone effects each trans person different. 

Yes there is the breast development-which is tied in with your feminine family genetics and normally never up to the expectations of the person on HRT. (Many cis women aren't satisfied with their breasts, so we are in good company.)

Yes there is the emotional aspect-which I think is the biggest part. You do get "weepy"and experience "hot flashes" -which are different animals unto themselves. As close as I can come explaining one is during my first one, I thought I was internally combusting!

The part of Estrogen effects (so far) I have never been able to explain to anyone (man or woman) is how my world softened internally. Somehow I was more perceptive to the world around me. Cis men don't experience it and cis women are born with it-so they don't understand. That's OK!

Finally, I look forward to a couple exterior changes. My hair will thicken again and my skin will soften-bringing out curves.

Poor Liz (my partner) she gets to live through another MtF gender puberty of sorts. She wasn't around for my first. She was with me as I started HRT the first time and a form of transgender menopause when I stopped. 

And now, here we go again!!! YAY!!!

Wasssup???

Here we go, another round of medical fun and games the next couple days, intermingled with spiritual get togethers.

Tomorrow is my endocrinologist visit which ties in closely with my next "blood letting" on Thursday. If you recall, the Doc (I have four now) took me off my estrogen about a week or so ago. Plus, if you are that interested, I have PCT, which is hereditary (among other things.) You can Google it. If you do, the cure is/are Phlebotomies (which you can Google too.)

At any rate, by Thursday afternoon, after all the regular blood labs which will be taken, I will feel like a pin cushion again. The good news? I can flat out give blood-fast and this week will be the mid way point of my treatment.

Plus, when my treatment does work, I will have the chance to restart my HRT.

Also on the bright side is Liz and I heard of another highly spiritual Native American story telling event tonight we can attend. The speaker is from the Shawnee tribe. You may ask why since I am not Native American to my knowledge, so here you go:

You regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo know I have a strong belief in the "Twin or Duel" gender spirit beliefs of many of the ancient peoples believed in. In fact I am taking my research on the subject a step further back. To when the ancient "matriarchal" beliefs were replaced (often by the hard way) by "patriarchal" beliefs. The worst of which of course came from the Catholics.




I am currently reading a book called Awakening Your Goddess.  I am just getting into the book and already I'm finding how difficult it is for genetic women to do this too. And, how it all relates to transgender women.

I will have posts coming!  

Seems Kind of Cruel

I knew it was coming, as sure Fall is in the air around here on the Ohio River-yesterday my endocrinologist said "Get off the estrogen Cyrtsi." It's quite possible he said that it is a major contributor to what is ailing me.

I was semi proud of myself and kept my composure long enough to ask him was he sure and was it a permanent move. He was nice enough to say we are going to try it for three months and see what happens. I am pretty sure he knew not to try to B.S a Bullshitter and we both knew HRT was always going to be a risk at my age anyhow. So, I seriously doubt anymore estrogen will be in my future.

Enter Liz at this point: I was sad to the point of tears (damn hormones!) But, she pointed out if I really wanted to give all the credit for my MtF gender transition to drugs-maybe I was really shortchanging myself. As you may or may not remember, we have been together from day #1 about four years ago when I started HRT.

So, here I sit, rightly or wrongly beginning to rebuild again upon a couple facets of my life I enjoyed. Seems sort of cruel that I used to enjoy a fine Cincinnati craft beer and I used to enjoy the effects of estrogen on my body-and the Doc's took them both away. Then again, I will enjoy a good cup of coffee even more now and savor the healing effects my body will be now going through. Which in fact I already am.

Somehow I was allowed to burn my fuse at both ends for as long as I could. Now it's time to "trans up" and face the future. Not to worry!

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

On some days around here in the Condo, I sit back and think this: 

For some reason, I feel put upon by the world and want to blame someone or something else for the situation I may be in.  

The other day I was at my Sister in Law's doing something I didn't want to do and was not too happy about it.

She said "just take more of your estrogen, you will feel nicer."

I just fired back "really? how many times have you told me that women were the meaner gender?"

I agree and answered the proper way with - one finger.

Girls Night Out on Steriods

OK, I wanted to use the word "hormones" (or even Estrogen) but didn't. Last night, Liz and I went to a small dinner I could not even imagined going to a few years ago. We are members of a professional women's networking group I have mentioned here in Cyrsti's Condo before.

Each time I learn a little more about how generics interact without men around. Some still seem to define themselves through their husbands but in this group many are there to network their business. A varied group to say the least. In case you are interested, I just quit outing myself as a transgender woman to this group after the first meeting we went to.

What I found most interesting last night though were several 20 or 30 something women who were talking about not wanting kids.  Plus, there were several others who supported their right to not birth children.  I had several ideas (of course).

I thought most likely I had the easiest route to having my daughter of anyone and it was cool to add my grandparent experiences. A Much better-time-believe me!

More importantly though, I thought of one of the not so venerable arguments that trans women can't be women because we can't birth a child. So I guess, those three or four generics last night without birthing experiences can't be women?

I just smirked to myself and ate my dinner secure in the fact there are still people who still mistake females for women and males for men. Somehow I think I wouldn't use the "W" word for the local woman here who starved her 8th child to death.

One thing is for sure, "girls night out on steriods" never disappoints as a learning experience.

An Extra Shot of "E" Please

I'm very excited about this afternoon! Following a long brutal winter, I'm heading back to my hair salon for a "spring/summer" update.

I refer to the experience as being exposed to a "contact" dose of estrogen.  In other words, it's the female equivalent of going into a car parts store with a bunch of guys.  Of course in the salon I go to, there is the occasional guy and several "very pretty" effeminate male stylists but everyone else is genetic or transgender and is engaged in the feminine pursuit of feeling pampered.

On my first visit a year or so ago, the pampering part is what surprised me the most.  Of course I dearly love what a professional can do for my hair, but how they do it is even more fun.

Of course, each time I learn more and can communicate what I want done-rather than sitting in the chair and saying "what do you think?"  It's yet another example of the old "act like you've been there" quote, because I have.

This afternoon, I know I need my split ends cut off, plus some shaping. Plus, I can afford one highlight added to my basic reddish color, so I'm thinking about going with a lighter semi blond for summer. I have a tendency to over think the process and always forget to remember my hair grows rather fast as does it's color-which does a real quick fade to gray.  What ever I do, it won't take long to repair itself- if I screw it up.

Every time I can afford to go to the salon, I do come back with a greater realization of why women consider it a staple of their lives.  Not only do they look better, they get a chance to relax from the world and get back to feminine bonding,  mostly, with others of the same sex.

Deja Vu

By definition in English, the term Deja Vu is French, and literally means "already seen". Or is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not.

On occasion over the years, I have wondered if any of the occasions when being feminine was so natural meant I had lived them in another life?  The "past life" theory is one of those ideas I put in my ghosts or aliens category of I don't believe- or non believe.

These days, as I transition ever further into a feminine existence, I have a tendency to toss the feeling of Deja Vu into the category of syncing an over abundance of estrogen in the womb to my HRT meds today.  The process of day to day influences just seem more normal. Not because I lived them before, it's because I feel normal living them now.

To put it into other words which you peeps from the 60's might equate to - through most of my life "I got stoned and missed it." Except in this case, I got "T"'d and missed it with my natural excess of testosterone.

Just an idea!

Sunday Evening in Cyrsti's Condo

Normally I try to answer all the mail around here and tidy up my thoughts over a cup o joe here on Sunday morning.

This week I was gone for a couple days and hightailed it back home just ahead of a huge storm which battered the Midwestern United States.

So now it's time to sit down and catch up with all of you.

Other than the time spent with my girlfriend, I had the most fun not packing any male clothes at all.  The week I had playing with the stereotypical  male tasks such as electric and plumbing was erased this weekend. Nothing really amazing happened except what the weather did to my hair after I washed it last night and just let it air dry. Today I have all this wonderful wild reddish wavy hair.

Looking back, to comments from last week, Pat commented on the "Mommies Little Girl" post:

"The question of environment or genetics is tough. I suspect it is a combination of both and the fact that in my case my mother was treated with heavy doses of estrogen and perhaps DES during her pregnancy with me. Women of that generation took pride in their feminine appearance, their housekeeping, their cooking, etc. They were survivors of the depression and WWII. They counted their blessings and had an appreciation of the values that they saw around them in the post WWII era."

Thanks Pat, for mentioning DES as the pregnancy drug's name I can never remember!  As I mentioned in the post, estrogen or DES baths in the womb were certainly better than the alternative of not being in this dimension at all. As the children of the "Greatest Generation" we did have a real dbl edge sword of values versus understanding from our parents.  Interestingly, until I was watching a JFK special recently, I didn't realize Kennedy was the generational president of many of the WWII vets.  After his death, they quickly faded into Nixon's "Silent Majority".

Enough of history already.  These days I wonder if kids of both genders are at the least pushed to the middle of the spectrum because of all the medications and hormones they are exposed to from day one-or before in the womb.

At the least the future should be brighter for all of them as the transgender youth of the world are beginning to write their own public story, out of the shadows of stealth.

Thanks for the comment Pat, I marvel at how our pasts intermingle and have to think many others do too. I just can't figure out which hormone in the womb made you a Yankee fan? Maybe "A-Rodgen?".