Bucket List

 

Jimmy Buffett Courtesy Sony Pictures

It's Jimmy Buffett day here in Cincinnati. Jimmy's concert has been an entertainment mainstay for years with people camping out a day early along the Ohio River venue to insure a good seat or view of the festivities. 

Every year the concert was one of the must do activities for my deceased wife and I to do. No matter what the cost I purchased tickets as close to the stage as I could. Plus we would gladly make the hour trip (one way) to get there. Of course all of these trips I made were as my old male self. I remember vividly being distracted at the concert by the other cis women and their clothes which sometimes bordered on the skimpy. My heart broke when I couldn't join them.

Ironically, in the present, since I moved to Cincinnati with Liz we only live approximately twenty miles from the venue where Jimmy is entertaining. Also the fact remains I have transitioned into a full time transgender woman so the opportunity to cross a Jimmy Buffett concert off my transgender bucket list should be one I could mark off my list...if I had one.

That's right, I don't have a bucket list. Throughout my life I have been able to finally find a way to do most everything I wanted to do. Most of it is to do with my major goal of becoming a full time functioning feminine person. My example is when I was growing up and someone asked me what I wanted to be later in life, my secret answer was always a girl. My thoughts continued all the way through adult hood till my deceased wife and I went on a vacation and it wasn't long until she started to ask me why I was miserable. Being the man I always tried to be, I apologized and didn't tell her the truth, I wanted to be on vacation with her as a woman. Very quickly my so called bucket list was history. Mainly because I knew I couldn't move forward and transition to a woman and preserve my marriage, job and many other aspects of my life. 

In many ways I felt I was swimming with sharks not unlike the central figure in Jimmy's Fin's song. If I varied my path one way or another, the sharks were waiting for me. 

Regardless, I still don't have much of a bucket list as I approach 73 years of age. Most I have are involved with staying healthy later in life. Long gone are the ideas of going to Kathmandu as we had a chance to do when I was in the Army in Thailand. Sadly, I know for certain my friends I was trying to go with have passed on. 

Perhaps you could also say my bucket has just rusted out. I keep thinking next year maybe the one I magically become healthy enough to brave the crowds and see Jimmy Buffett performing in Cincinnati before he retires. 

  

Hey! Are You Transgender?

 I don't ever try to hide the fact I am transgender. Very rarely is it a potential issue. 

On the other hand, I don't often out myself either. I am far from the dating scene of my past so it also isn't a major deal. My heart goes out to younger transgender women and men who have to negotiate the dating world. Ironically, it seems the better you present, the more difficulty you may have. Even to the point of placing yourself in danger if you are "discovered" by an unsuspected suitor. 

Last night though, I found myself in a situation I don't think I have ever found myself in. Back in the day, I was always surrounded by my cis women friends so I had never found myself in a situation with a man where I was outed. As an aside, I didn't ever feel as if I presented well enough to confuse the public totally on what gender I really was. I always assumed everyone knew I was trans and I was satisfied with all of that as long as I was treated with respect. 

For some reason last night, I went against my basic rule and accepted a friend request from a man. The reasons were  he was in a group I was in with similar political leanings and he was local. If worst came to worst I could always mention my very territorial partner of nine years or just block him. 

I didn't have to do either last night. Interestingly, his first comment was he was surprised to learn I was a woman. Obviously, he had not read my profile...yet. Because after I answered with I was fine with his surprise. He came right back with how cool it was when he found out I was transgender. Followed with how good my picture looked.

Fortunately, a simple thank you from me and he was gone. 

The whole deal brought back so many memories plus a realization I was fortunate to be in a relationship with a partner who accepts me for who I am.

Coming Out Day...Again

I have been out for so long, I don't normally give much thought to the National "Coming Out Day" which was yesterday.

As I have always written about, coming out can be on very many levels. As little as cross dressing and going out on rare occasions when you are safe, all the way to living full time as a transgender woman. Both are equally as important to the overall trans cause.

Through all of this though, I had my own "coming out" experience this morning. With our changing weather and numerous errands to run this morning, I had to go my wardrobe and find an outfit which was comfortable and was designed to blend with the majority of cis women I encounter. I came up with my long sleeved Durango, Colorado railroad shirt, along with a slightly faded pair of leggings with a pair of tennis shoes.

Normally, I am not real impressed with yet another rather mundane outfit but this morning  However, today somehow was different. For once I accepted I had arrived. This was life as I hadn't really planned for but found anyway. 

The coming out process for me went something like this.  I always knew my goal was to blend. Early on I focused on professional women around me. As I progressed though, I decided I loved the "hippie" bohemian styles from my youth. Finally these days I have settled on comfort and whatever style I can afford. I love this part of the year because I can wear my soft sweaters. colorful leggings and boots.

Most importantly, I have reached a point of having confidence in my feminine appearance which accordingly has acted as a deterrent to my gender dysphoria.

Whatever coming out means to you, building confidence could be your best friend. After all, the great majority of us start so far behind cis women applying makeup and having understanding of what outfits are flattering or not. One of the major problems is battling the mirror which always tries to lie to you and going through our teenage years when we are much older. Which leads to the stereotypical mid aged cross dresser in the mall stuffed into a mini skirt and heels.

Rest assured, it is all part of the coming out process. Here's to hoping yours is coming along well too!

Transgender Affirmation

Affirmation of course is wonderful in whatever you do but even more so the longer you have worked to achieve a goal.

For decades now, one of my major goals (even when I was dreaming in the closet) was to become accepted for who I was - a transgender woman, or even a complete woman. Last night, at dinner with friends it happened. For two hours I was able to feel a complete part of a group of cis women talking about their lives.  Along the way, I also did most of our food ordering and used the women's room too. I even felt comfortable enough to add in my story of going with many of them years ago to see a physic in a group setting. He went around the room giving readings and when he got to me cross dressed in all my glory, he said he could see I was and will be going through some changes. Really? I was happy though my input was considered valuable enough for at least a polite chuckle and gave them all an idea of my life back then.

Overall, the best way I can describe last night... it was like getting my batteries recharged to move on with life.

Simply put, what really happened, was my ever present/lurking Mtf gender dysphoria was pushed to the back of my mentality for awhile.

That's a good thing of course.

I also just found out we are going out to a steakhouse Sunday to celebrate Liz's brother's birthday, weather permitting. So that should be fun too.

Cis Gender Dysphoria

Every now and then we transgender women and trans men suffer from tunnel vision in our daily approaches to life. By the way, "cis gender" to me means a person born female or male. For the sake of simplicity, I know these binary birth terms do not apply to everyone.

Last night, I was listening to a cis feminine singer talk about how she worries about how she looks and it interferes with her life. To the point of her questioning the whole cult of beauty. I immediately thought I feel the same way...only worse.

Years ago, when I was first considering making the jump from cross dresser to trans woman, I was told several times by my cis woman friends, "Welcome to our world!." As I saw it then and now, women live in a much more complex world than men.

After all, all women (cis or transgender) worry to some degree about their appearance. Outside of the Walmart queens, the typical woman has some sort of problem with her breasts, hair, legs or other parts of her anatomy. Let alone make up, skin and just what is the proper outfit to wear?

I guess being part of "their world" means accepting a larger share of gender dysphoria.

Get Out of the Closet!

At Monday's transgender - cross dresser meeting, it occurred to me my coming out process was once again backwards when compared to so many others.

During the meeting, I normally have the chance to sit back and consider everyone else's experience and relate it to mine.

After my wife passed away, it left the door wide open to basically fully explore my life as a woman and I totally took advantage of it. Nearly every spare moment was used to go out cross dressed and see if my feminine dreams could become a reality. Then, I met two close cis female lesbian friends who refused to even acknowledge any maleness in me. They kept pushing me to never look back, in many unspoken ways. For example, I was always an invitee to anything from lesbian mixers to football games.

Then, came along my partner Liz who I just happened to meet on an online dating site.  As most of you already remember, Liz is also a lesbian identifying cis female. Even more than the other two women, she refused and still refuses to see any maleness in me at all. This even was back in the days before I started HRT hormones and was still wearing wigs. In fact, she was with me the New Years Eve when I took my first dosage.

Of course now, I wonder what took me so long to accept the inevitable, deep down inside the girl within me was finally going to get a chance to live her life.

It just took others to really see her. 

Our Crowning Glory

It doesn't matter, if we are transgender, cross dresser or cis woman, hair means quite a bit to us. I still feel as if I caved into pressure a bit to get my hair cut much shorter than it was. It definitely is more age appropriate and more feminine. And yes Shelle, it is so much cooler!

Here were a couple more questions I received: Plus I added another picture with a bit more contrast.

1. FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJune 27, 2018 at 5:29 PM

   "Very nice! This is after the hair coloring, though? Maybe it's the red brick wall behind you that makes it hard for me to see."
2. 
   Paula GoodwinJune 28, 2018 at 7:34 AM

   "I think that style suits you, and is actually a little more feminine than the flowing locks! I have been nervous of reverting to my natural colour because of the interim stages ~ For the next few weeks I will be sporting pink white and blue wash out stripes"
3. Thanks to both of you! Actually this cut is without coloring. My stylist has suggested I go back to my original color because it brings my eyes out so well. We are going to be able to see more when I go back in August for my next appointment. Fortunately, my hair grows really fast and if the experiment does't go well, we can go back to coloring again. 
4. Also, deep down inside, I have been wanting to lighten up my color anyhow!  As my stylist said, it may be a little less severe. 

<

Appointment Made

I finally summoned the courage to get a real live professional to work on my hair, or should I say, she got the courage!

The appointment is not until June 26th, time enough to have my hair colored again. Which it needs. The stylist donates 20 percent of what ever I pay to one of the transgender charities here in Cincinnati and even has a transgender child herself. My goal is to look my best for one or both of the Fourth of July parties we have been invited to.

Years ago, I used to go to a stylist when I first went full time and absolutely loved the overall "estrogen" laden experience of being in a cis women's hair salon. Due to moving and financial considerations, I have not made it back.

My new stylist is here in Cincinnati and I should be able to set up regular six week appointments with her.

Maybe she can tame down this wild mane of hair. I think I have transitioned past the point of seeing how well (and long) can it grow, to trying to look better. I want to experiment with  bangs and get my hair in the back evened out.

Should be a fun and interesting time!

Breaking Necks?

I know in the public's eye, at the least I am a big woman. Transgender, cis, or whatever.

Plus I know I have privilege in the fact I am white and live in a fairly liberal part of Ohio. Also, my partner happens to be a cis woman and like it or not, she provides a sense of security. Every once in a while though, I do journey out of my comfort zone and check out reality.

Mine came this Saturday at Liz's karate tournament. The event is held in a Northern Kentucky middle school and approximately 500 people attend...including many kids. To put  it in perspective for you,  the school and the territory we were in was getting into the heavy red necked area of Kentucky. Out of the area just south of Cincinnati across the Ohio River is fairly liberal.

Once we got into te venue, my goal was to find a seat and try to make myself as small as possible. Initially I did fairly well. I was able to move about the venue with very little notice from the other participants. Not many people were turning to stare so fast I thought they were going to break their necks. My confidence was growing.

As we were leaving though, I experienced a dose of reality from ignorant bigots on their way into the venue.

A group of four cigarette puffing Kentucky rednecks walked right towards me. I had no where to go as they about stopped to snicker and stare.

I suppose the silver lining was I needed the reality of how the world can really be.  And, how fortunate I have it.

Age Appropriate?

One of the more frustrating facets of growing "more mature" is trying to fight off the ravages of a lifetime of testosterone poisoning.

No one ever said life ever had to be fair but finally arriving at the point in your life when you can express your true gender comes at a frustrating time when you can't experiment with many of the new fashion trends you see.

Although, if you are at the top of your transgender game, you would know there are still sties to visit where you can  do your best to compete in the world with fashionable cis women. Fabulous After 40 is one of those sites.  "Fabulous After 40" can show you how to walk the fine line between "classy" and "trashy" or at the least being age appropriate.

Speaking of age appropriate (and another reference to Popeye), lets check in with Connie:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEMay 6, 2018 at 2:45 PM

"I would guess, from my observation, that many women in their 60's have given up learning or crafting their presentations. For those of us who got a late start, though, it seems appropriate that we try a bit harder. I'm familiar with a number of trans women who, having missed their chance when younger, attempt to model their presentations after much younger women - which is a mistake, trans or not. I often, figuratively, roll my eyes at older cis women who are obviously wearing the same style of clothing and doing their hair and makeup the same way as they did some time back in their youth, when they thought they looked great (and they probably did.....then).

Maybe it's not a checklist that we need, but a reality check!

As Olive Oyl once asked Popeye over the table during a romantic dinner, "Do I have spinach in my teeth?" :-)"

Agreed, reality checks are always good but it's tough sometimes to get a "real" reality check!  I know I don't wear "age appropriate" hair but since it's all mine and I enjoy it so much, I am telling the world to go to hell. Having said that though, it is time to get my hair "shaped" and trimmed. Which I plan on doing before this summer really gets underway!

These days, I also find larger selections of plus size clothing to choose from, which makes staying "clothing current" easier.

The Gender Tipping Point

As we transgender women (and cross dressers too) go through life attempting to cross the gender frontier, there comes a point when you can "tip" the gender balance.

As we move down the path, often we learn the more we know, the more we need to learn.

Examples would be, as novices, we strive to perfect a feminine "illusion" thinking it will be enough to sustain our gender desires. Then we find, no matter how good the illusion looks, nothing is good enough. You have to move around and even create another persona to exist.

The more serious you become about succeeding in a feminine lifestyle, the more you learn about the razor thin "gender tipping point." Studies indicate fellow humans make gender decisions within a matter of seconds.

Getting better and better has to become an obsession to succeed. I always read with some humor a negative person who thinks no cis men can ever do the work to become a convincing woman. Do they not want to do the weight and skin work, not to mention the makeup and fashion expertise which is needed? Any cis woman would tell you the same thing. Being a woman is definitely being the high maintenance gender.

Visualize if you will, a transgender person jumping up and down on a teeter totter. After a while some (quicker than others) will learn moving up the board to the center is a more effective way of  getting where you want to go.

All of a sudden, you feel natural as your chosen gender and you start to reach out for better hair, voice, or whatever you feel makes you feminine.

As the teeter totter begins to flip your way, you begin to feel more and more natural and life can become better than you ever thought.

Sometimes though,we slip and fall off the "trans teeter" and it is extremely painful to try again. As with anything else which is worth it though, the ups and downs of your ride can be worth it as you live your new life.

Listening With Your Eyes?

Referring back to the Cyrsti's Condo post "Is It Time", Connie brought up a good point about how people listen with their eyes. I would only add women are more apt to listen with their eyes than men.

Connie's idea started me thinking about how often I mention women deal in more non verbal communication skills than men. Eye to eye communication is a big part of it. If not all of it on occasion.

I remember quite clearly (for once), the times when I was going out cross dressed by myself and a man approached me, for whatever reason. Many times, I was "warned" by one of my cis women friends to steer clear of a potentially bad situation.

As I have often written about too, I learned often a cis woman's verbal comments don't always match what she is thinking and to be careful of where the knife is going to hit your back. Until I began to develop my own sense of confidence and being as a transgender woman, the "phantom" attacks used to bother me more. Until I became accustomed to the more complex sense of community women have.

For more of Connie's comment, follow the link above, then down the post to "comments".

"Left Handed Mail"

Two comments from my recent blog post "What Makes a Woman" from the "UK Huffington Post."
The first from Paula:

1. The problem with the child bearing ability definition is that would include a lot of Trans Men!
2. Good point! I wonder what the so called "purists" think about the trans men who keep all their reproductive organs to have a child or transgender women who have their sperm frozen for possible impregnation of a woman at a later date?
3. FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJanuary 30, 2017 at 2:03 PM

   I disagree with the article's insinuation that the "very real feeling" equates to "You just are." They are not the same thing, although attempting to make them so may be the only way to explain gender identity to the average person. The problem is that to assume they are the same diminishes the validity of the "just are" premise. Certainly, accepting that oneself is left-handed or dyslexic comes from no feeling, albeit there are very real feelings that can emerge as a result of those things.
   
   One of the most disturbing things people relate to me is that they accept (or reject) my choice to act on my feelings of being a woman. Oftentimes, I am even congratulated for my courage to act on my feelings - or to be as I feel myself to be. Yes, I have a feeling of being true to myself through this transition, but it is really more due to the release of the bad feelings I have had in the past than the good feelings I get from my feminine expression. Still, my gender identity is not a feeling anymore than a cis woman's female gender is to her. The difference is that I am forced to be conscious of the same thing she may take for granted. It is that fact that creates the "feelings".

Thanks Connie and Paula :)

Transgender Working World

Connie wrote in via the cyrstih@yahoo.com email account about her experiences in Seattle where she works with an Hispanic crew and a boss who considers her an abomination. 

Her leg is swelling from blood clots again and she desperately needs the money so my thoughts go out to her. In her words :I'm working along this job and have an interesting story; not the nature of the work, but the nature of the people on the job. 

My job is to maintain large hanging flower baskets in some of the business districts around town - mostly watering - in the early morning hours. Last week, I was involved in the installation of the new summer baskets.

The foreman is a Latino, which means nothing to me except that he obviously is engrossed enough in his culture that I am an abomination to him. Still, he's at least "tolerant" of my existence there; tolerant to a point. It's his pronoun usage when talking about and to me that is the problem. It's always "he,his,or Amigo not Amiga."

I made one subtle remark about it to him, but he either refuses to give me the proper respect or he didn't get the message. So, after a week of this, I brought the subject up with the owner. He was not comprehending what I was telling him at all, and couldn't understand why his foreman would be using male pronouns when  he didn't do so with, or to, other women. Ha! I had to tell my boss that I was a transgender woman, because for all the time he's known me he has thought that I was a cis woman!!! (with a rather low voice, he said)

The whole thing is not worth a battle to me, as this is just a temporary seasonal job I've taken, while this guy has been working there for fifteen years. I believe that I would even have legal grounds for making a stink about this, but I'm more interested in searching out avenues of positive energy. I know that there are those who think I'm giving in here, but I prefer to see the positivity in the fact the owner is happy to have me be a face for his business, working and dealing with the people in the districts he serves. Besides, who wouldn't be pleased to be able to work independently without a foreman looking over her back all the time. Also, if he mis-genders me to someone, he's only going to be confusing them. I win all the way around!

Feel free to use any or all of this. I just think it's an amusing twist of sorts on the "transgenders in the workplace" issues that are usually reported."

First of all Connie, I wish you good health! And second of all what an inspiring story. I had a difficult time lifting it from yahoo over to here for some reason, hope everyone got the meaning!

Stay Out of Red Neck Bars if you Ain't a Cow Girl or a Sheep

Over the recent years here in Cyrsti's Condo, many have asked me how I finally began to make a transition into a quality feminine lifestyle. First and foremost, I have been able to balance a lack of movie queen looks with a group of cis women dedicated friends. Normally one balanced the other until I gained confidence to "step out" on my own. Look at it this way, instead of hiding in the back of the line, I became an active partner.

Secondly, I began to be more selective on where I went and quit taking chances so to speak. Here's an example: Today Liz and I along with a few acquaintances toured a working artist gallery in an old factory building in downtown Cincinnati. I am not the biggest art expert in the world but I do admire and respect more than a few of the artists work which I met today. And, DUH!!! I was welcomed and Oh-Gee there weren't any of those pesky gender specific restrooms.

So my advice to the novice cross dresser or transgender woman heading out into the public eye for the first time is - go to someplace percent wise that you can relax and enjoy the world. If you can and I know it is tough. I tripped through malls in heels and short skirts and most definitely found my way into some wrong drinking establishments. I was no angel.

In fact, one of my goals for next year is to finally e-pub my second book which details most of my dumber moments in the world. My first literary effort "Stilettos on Thin Ice" was much more of a personal look of how I survived growing up transgender.

Spoiler alert: I may have lived through my visits to a few red neck bars and I had a real tough time passing as a "cow girl" or a sheep. Depending on who who talked to!!!

Women Form Cliques and Men Form Teams

No big earth shattering news in that headline? Right? All in all, it's just another version of "Women are from Venus" and "Men from Mars."  Over the years, I have written about where transwomen and transgender men come from.

I think (assuming we make it through life relatively unscathed) we are Earthlings. Why? Because we do assume a highly unique view of the genders by simply living our lives. Men mistrust us because we have made a conscious choice to leave the "team." Women often are much more curious as to the reasons behind us joining their's.

As I widened my scope of feminine acquaintances who have never met my past self, it seemed that only a few doors had to be opened and I was admitted to what I have always called the "girl's sandbox".

I found for the most part, I did not threaten the other cis women except for the ones who always seemed to keep in the back of their noggin's the nagging idea I used to live a very male life. So I didn't matter to the average woman chasing down a man, stuck in family drama-etc-or I was just too damn old and certainly wasn't going to win any beauty battles!

On Mars, I always felt it was ironic that once I chose to leave the man's team, I was for the most  part feared or very/very excluded. I guess because they felt I was cheating in the gender game. No sports or beer for me!

Which brings me full circle to my journal post for today-what type of women do I enjoy hanging out with the most?

It wasn't so long ago I would have said "all." Now, not so much. One example was a woman who was at the Nail Party the other night. For some reason, she just made me feel a little uneasy. We had never met before and we never really interacted that night, but she just didn't seem like the type I would meet for a cup of coffee anytime soon.

That's OK though, I will try to stay grounded here on Earth and let my transgender experience calm all the gender drama around me. All that traveling just makes me tired!