Affirmation of course is wonderful in whatever you do but even more so the longer you have worked to achieve a goal.
For decades now, one of my major goals (even when I was dreaming in the closet) was to become accepted for who I was - a transgender woman, or even a complete woman. Last night, at dinner with friends it happened. For two hours I was able to feel a complete part of a group of cis women talking about their lives. Along the way, I also did most of our food ordering and used the women's room too. I even felt comfortable enough to add in my story of going with many of them years ago to see a physic in a group setting. He went around the room giving readings and when he got to me cross dressed in all my glory, he said he could see I was and will be going through some changes. Really? I was happy though my input was considered valuable enough for at least a polite chuckle and gave them all an idea of my life back then.
Overall, the best way I can describe last night... it was like getting my batteries recharged to move on with life.
Simply put, what really happened, was my ever present/lurking Mtf gender dysphoria was pushed to the back of my mentality for awhile.
That's a good thing of course.
I also just found out we are going out to a steakhouse Sunday to celebrate Liz's brother's birthday, weather permitting. So that should be fun too.
I've found that my dysphoria has a way of creeping in more often when I am alone. As I like to say, one can only see herself in the reflection of another's eyes. Of course, putting oneself out there can also be risky, as one sideways glance or derogatory word can burst the bubble. It's still worth it, though, because I don't think we can really be ourselves by ourselves.
ReplyDeleteYour participation in the group took it a step further toward affirmation, I believe, beyond the acceptance of a mere observer. I'm no psychic, myself, but I have seen you change over the years. I could have given that advice, and my rates are probably more reasonable! :-)
Plus, here recently I have found I can talk to more people one on one...many now don't seem to have that sense of recognition I use to get all the time.
ReplyDeleteMy check is in the mail :)