Better Together

Outreach Image from Trans Wellness Fair

Slowly but surely I came to understand I was battling  the two binary genders in my life. Of course the main problem was I was born male into a very male dominated family. My inner feminine soul faced an uphill battle from the very beginning.

The older I became, the bigger the gender split or dysphoria grew within me. The problem became, I did not understand what was happening. All I knew was I cherished my very limited time I had alone so I could explore my feminine self. Back then, all I really knew was I had very separate personalities. Deep down, I didn't know why but some days I could live a male existence. Then on other days, all I wanted to be was a girl or woman.. It was during those days, in many ways my male self became emotionally abusive to myself.  He couldn't come to any sort of acceptance to what was going on.  I suppose these days, I would be described as being gender fluid. 

Through it all, life went on until I began to accept the fact I was gender dysphoric and needed somehow to deal with it.  Initially, my he decided to go down the typical male route of trying to ignore a problem hoping it would go away.  Of course the problem never did go away until I faced it. Also initially, I tried to explain away my love of everything feminine by thinking I was a cross dresser and/or I was just a guy with a different hobby. The entire thought process bought me a little more time but that was it. Deep down I knew I was much more than a cross dresser but I was afraid to accept it .

Fear of transitioning into a transgender world without the aid of any surgeries ruled my life. I tried my best to explore the world as my feminine self which took up most of my spare time. Anything I still did as a guy, I wondered if I could do as a transgender woman. This included the most macho events I was doing such as sporting events, after all, there were more women there, why couldn't I be there also? 

Slowly but surely I came to the point of appreciate the fact I was able to experience both sides of the gender border. I came to the understanding of why women and men don't understand each other on many levels. Basic communication between women became a priority for me. Very quickly, I picked up on the fact women use non verbal communication between each other and employ major uses of passive aggressive behavior rather than the direct approach men use. Many times, it took a good amount of time for the claw marks on my back to go away. 

Learning the basic differences of gender turned out to be very beneficial for me. In addition, I learned how I could still use some of the hard earned male knowledge I brought with me. Initially I lived with the idea, I wanted or could have anything to do with my old male self who was so unwanted. However, not everything thing I did in my life was a waste of time. Even though I was bringing a ton of baggage with me into my male to female gender transition, I still needed to take the time I needed to to live a more beneficial life as a trans woman.

As I was able to actually finally transition and when I did, I was better together when I was able to utilize both of my my male and female selves but it was a huge battle to get there. He won a few battles but she won the war.

Secure Beginnings

 

1966 Transvestia Cartoon

This morning I read a post by a transgender man I follow on another writing format. 

The number one fact I took away from his post was how accepting his grandparent was when he was growing up. In fact, the grandparent took him to get his hair cut and purchased him clothes to match his authentic gender. After I read the post I responded by saying how good it must have been to have a supporting person in their life. 

Sadly, I was never able to take advantage of having anyone even knowing about or having any inkling about my gender issues. I knew without any shadow of a doubt, I was expected to be a boy in all aspects of my life. My parents were of the "Greatest Generation" which was the WWII and Great Depression generation. As a child growing up in the 50's, I was expected to fit neatly into a square male hole and survive the best I could. in a world I did not embrace.

The entire experience of being totally alone in the world as a boy who wanted to be a girl led me quickly to extreme cases of gender dysphoria. It wasn't until many years later when I learned of Virginia Prince and her "Transvestia" publication did I discover there actually other transvestites as they called themselves back then. Thinking back, I am fairly sure the publication was mailed out every two months and I couldn't wait until the next one arrived. Thanks to "Transvestia", I was able to learn about actual mixers which were close enough for me to go meet  other cross dressers or transvestites. As I began to see others in those mixers up close and personal, I learned how many levels of difference there were in a community which I imagined to be so similar. For example, the idea of the mixer being for only heterosexual transvestites only was quickly dispelled when too many of the participants disappeared behind  their hotel room doors too quickly.

Ironically, through it all, I still didn't feel as if I had found any sort of a home with others who supposedly were supposed to feel similar to me. Looking back, I think it was because the concept of being transgender had not been widely publicized at the time. I knew I did not belong with the cross dressers trying to deny their male selves or the transsexuals in the group considering radical gender realignment surgery. In those days, anyone who went down the surgical path was recommended to move away and begin a totally new life. As severe as my gender dysphoria was at the time. I couldn't imagine myself doing all of that.

It took awhile but I eventually stopped blaming my parents for ignoring my gender issues. Part of it was my fault for never attempting to tell them what was really bothering me, so I took the traditional male approach and just bottled it all up. I hid it all so well until the night after I returned home from the Army. I came home late from drinking my share of beer and found my Mom waiting up for me. We started to talk and along the way, I tried to come out to her. She followed her instincts and offered to pay for mental health counselling and I followed mine and never brought it up to her again. She has long since passed away so the best I could do to honor her anyhow was to change my new legal middle name to hers nearly five years ago. 

I needed to realize the "Greatest Generation" was good at providing and not so good at emotional support,  at least in my family. Once I accepted the facts of my upbringing, I really needed to work hard to not repeat the cycle of my upbringing. Once I began to feel secure in my transgender life, I was able to  do it.    

Gender Dysphoria

 

/Image from UnSplash

The confusion suffered when a person has a problem deciding which gender they are is often a cruel lifetime curse.

After all these years of living a reasonably successful life as a fulltime transgender woman, when I look in the mirror in the morning and really anytime, I still see a man looking back at me on occasion. Surely my hormone replacement therapy (or whatever it is called today) has aided in my transition but the problem just won't seem to go away.

It is about this time, when I am becoming discouraged concerning my appearance, I look at the reality of the situation. Which is, at the age of seventy three, there will be little more than I can do to insure the world sees me in a more feminine way. All those years of testosterone took it's toll. I do know also I could consider facial femininization surgery but the cost and pain just wouldn't be worth it. So, by my own choice I am stuck with what I see in the mirror.

Not too long ago I was watching one of my guilty pleasure reality talk shows when the host had on a beautiful transgender woman. Along the way during the interview she told the world she was thinking of having facial surgery which amazed the host and I. When he asked why, she said she still saw her old male self when she looked in the mirror. Sad but true.

It is my understanding too that growing up transgender does not automatically guarantee you will have suffered from any gender dysphoria at all. I found out the hard way years ago when I went to one of my transgender-transvestite support group meetings. I brought up my gender dysphoria issues and was quickly told by the moderator she had never suffered from the problem at all. She later went on to completing a gender realignment surgery so I have often wondered one of two things. The first, did she change her mind or two, did she even know what the term meant. Regardless, I learned my lesson and did not bring it up again. 

Regardless, I needed to find away to deal with my own gender dysphoria. After years of turmoil. I finally decided I didn't look as bad as a transgender woman or as good as the mirror sometimes told me I did. I just tried my best, as any cis woman does (on occasion) to look her best when she goes out into the public's eye. Presenting privilege's are so difficult to come by for any transgender person who is attempting to cross the gender border. Think of it this way, there are many cis-women who struggle to have any presenting privilege at all and supposedly the women had the benefit of growing up female. 

I am sure I will take my own gender dysphoria with me to my grave. My biggest paranoia is the dysphoria will not helped along by any assisted care facility I may find myself in.        

Transgender Crisis Management

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

I suspect many of you have experienced your share of "crisis management" during your life. It applies to you no matter how you identify as a transvestite, cross dresser, transsexual or transgender person, you have experienced your share of potentially embarrassing moments.

It all started early in life for all of us (in the extreme majority) who did not grow up in a gender supportive family. We needed to be extremely careful when we dressed in our feminine wardrobe, or clothes we "borrowed" from sisters or mothers. We had to be careful not to ruin the clothes we were trying desperately to wear. Plus when we tried to wear makeup, there was the problem of taking it back off. Crisis management became very important to me if and when someone in the family came home early and I needed to take off all the clothes and makeup in record time. 

Little did I know crisis management would follow me through my life. When I got married to spouses who totally didn't approve of me cross dressing so much, I would need again to rush to take all the makeup off along with the clothes of course. Life with my second wife was the worst because we made a deal I ended up breaking many times. The deal was I had three days a week to cross dress as a woman any way I wanted. Even to the point I could leave the house as a man, rent a motel room and redress as a woman. It was heaven to me for awhile until I became so successful as a feminine person, I wanted more and more. I came to the point where I was sneaking out of the house every chance I had and breaking the promise we had set. In essence I was cheating on my wife with myself, the other woman in my life.

Along the way, I sustained many other crisis management situations. Looking back they are humorous now but at the time were anything but. The most embarrassing I can remember is when I had the brilliant (not) idea to use water balloons as breast forms. What could possibly go wrong, right? One night as I was enjoying the "bounce" I experienced from my falsies, one exploded and my water balloon broke. Fortunately I was on my way to the women's room anyhow, so I was able to hide in a stall, dry myself off and sneak out when the coast was clear. It turned out to be all right and I didn't have to tell someone I was pregnant and my water just broke. Or explain how I had just lost my bustline. 

Another of my mis-adventures occurred when I decided to wear my high heeled boots to my regular venue on a snowy night. I was certain I had navigated the boots in the past and if I was careful I could do it again. Of course I was wrong and when I had to stand up from where I was sitting at the bar, down I went. Not exactly the feminine exit I wanted in my new fancy boots. Very quickly I gathered what was left of my confidence, summoned  what was left of my dignity and walked out. I was lucky my dignity was all which was hurt. 

Through it all, my previous experience with having to deal with any crisis served me well. I was prepared for having my heels get stuck in a sidewalk all the way to the more extreme situations I described. Just think, it all started with me rushing to remove my makeup when my brother came home from school early. I was prepared for the worst and expecting the best. I was lucky, my gender glass was always half full. No matter how much misfortune I was experiencing. 

Similar to everyone else with deep gender dysphoria, I went through my share of crisis management. Even if it was based in reality or was all mental, somehow destiny was telling me I needed to see it all as I followed my own transgender path. 

One thing you could say was somehow even with advanced crisis management, life was never boring.

The Second Half

 

Image from Nik
on UnSplash

Relax, this is not another sports post...As I approached the age of sixty, my gender feeling of something not being right grew ever stronger. 

I knew then, if I didn't immediately make a move to correct my issues, I never would. Even though I was in a fairly comfortable position to keep living as a man, there was still time to get out while I still could. It would mean the possibility of sacrificing the remaining family, friends and job security. I had to do it and I still needed to move forward into a life as a transgender woman.

Once I decided to begin hormone replacement therapy and my external appearance began to change fairly quickly to an androgynous looking person there could be no turning back. The whole process took me by surprise when it happened so fast. I adjusted to the progress and moved on. I found living fulltime was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. When I threw out all my male clothes and was responsible for dressing feminine every day, the whole process changed dramatically. I needed to be able to plan long term for my appearance and not just rely on short term bursts of wardrobe creativity to get me by. Like it or not, looking at myself in the mirror every morning when I got up became a gender dysphoric process. Some days I thought I looked feminine and others I looked terrible. The same old guy.

It turned out too I had several other main issues. One of which was I going to consider any major or minor surgeries. I decided no to all because I felt I could barely present well enough to get by and I didn't need any painful major gender surgery to allow me to feel any better as a transgender woman. Plus, at my age any major surgeries such as gender realignment surgery could be a health risk to recover from. My motto became "don't pay anyone to hurt me." So I stuck with my HRT and hoped for the best and for me it worked and I didn't have the money anyhow.

The second major issue I needed to face rather quickly was how was I going to explore my sexuality once I transitioned into a transgender woman. During my life as a man, being with another man never appealed to me so would it change now? Even though I dated and kissed several men following my gender transition, I found nothing had really changed.  Being with a man most certainly validated myself as a woman in public but it didn't lead to much else. I did interact with a couple men I thought I could be friends with too but it turned out my sexuality in the future would firmly remain with women.

I became entrenched with a very kind and giving small group of cis women who I was able to learn so much from about being a woman in todays' society. When I did, my sexuality never did have to change from what I had felt my entire life. 

Other issues were more mundane yet still very important. I wasn't independently wealthy so I needed to figure out how I was going to live and support myself. I was fortunate when I grew close to early Social Security retirement age. I took it and supplemented my income by selling vintage collectables my second wife and I had collected. I remember vividly my last day at a job I disliked as I walked across the parking lot into a new world. A world where I was free enough to re-create myself as a brand new person. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that new person had been there all along just waiting for her chance to emerge. She was good people which made interacting with the outside world much easier. I found very few people are ever given a second chance at life so I needed to make the most of it. 

I did and found myself moving and marrying my current wife Liz following her finding me on line over eleven years ago now. I would have never dreamed the second half of my life would take me this far.     

Playing to Your Strengths

Photo with jeans
skirt and flowing top
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

I am saddened when I read of another novice transgender person and/or cross dresser who feels they are shut out of the feminine world they want to live in because of how they look. Because of testosterone poisoning the person feels as if they are locked in forever to a gender dysphoric life they did or do not want to live. 

In the first place, I wonder if other transgender women (no matter where they fall in their transition cycle) consider all cis women (born female) don't necessarily "pass" as attractive women. Naturally, there are all types, sizes and shapes of women to be seen. One of the several positives which kept me going when I struggled coming out of my closet was the fact, if I could find clothes the size other women wore which fit me, I could wear them too and do my best to look good. During that portion of my life, I made extensive use of bargain thrift stores to augment my feminine wardrobe. If I purchased the wrong item, I wouldn't be out much money and I could try again and again. The main benefit to me was I could learn which women's sizes fit my body style which sadly leaned towards no hips, a wide torso and broad shoulders. I had quite a bit of disguising to do. 

I started the process by deciding to take off un-needed weight. There is a reason so many cis-women are into diets and I decided to diet for the same basic reason, to look better. My metabolism at the time must have been strongly male because with very little effort I lost nearly fifty pounds which helped my clothing search and allowed me to locate strengths to play to as far as presenting myself to the world. One of the strengths I was always told I had were my legs. Once I made it through my teenaged inspired cross dressing years, I often wore jean skirts and lose flowing tops. The outfits allowed me to show off a strength and at the same time camouflage another. It seemed to work for me as I was suddenly able to navigate the world as my authentic self. To add an extra dimension to my public life, I began to take extra better care of my skin. Having a better basic complexion allowed me to use less makeup and again appear more presentable. 

These days looking more presentable as a transgender person is becoming more and more a priority. With the number of restrictions and hate bills on the horizon for transgender women and men, being able to blend in with the everyday public is a must. I am fortunate I live in a relatively upscale and liberal part of a larger metro area which is known to support LGBT causes but just to the East of us the rural area doesn't. In fact, a group I was part of used to run bake sales in front of a certain very well known big box store in the area. I went and helped but felt decidedly out of place. As I looked around at the other women in the store, it wouldn't been to much of a stretch of the imagination to feel as if I was one of the more attractive women in the store. 

If you are in your closet and need to leave, it is easy for me to say you have to hitch up your big girl panties and try your best to do it. Courage breeds confidence and hopefully playing to your strengths helps you to live an authentic life.            

Trust the Process?

Summer Maxi Dress from
the Jessie Hart 
Collection 

So many times when I had reached the point of utter desperation with my gender dysphoria, I wondered what was ever going to become of me. I just had too much of the powerful and seductive draw of the strong inner feminine being who lived within me. She constantly battled the male world which I was born into and for the most part wanted nothing to do with.

All of my battles led to well publicized bouts of self destructive behavior such as using my car as a possible suicide object by driving way too fast and drinking way too much along the way. Unfortunately, my drinking was subsidized in a good way to a masculine pursuit in my family.  My Dad was known to finish his day everyday with a shot (or two) of whiskey. Attempting to out drink him became an unreachable goal for both my younger brother and I. While it never worked with Dad, the entire drinking process provided me with yet another gender façade when I was dealing with others. Plus, the faux level of bravado I found with the alcohol enabled me to initially coming out as a transvestite to friends of mine, all the way to relaxing me when I was attempting to face the world out of my gender closet as a novice transgender woman. The whole process added to my problems with the mirror I was experiencing. When I was intoxicated and staring at myself in the mirror, I was guaranteed to see what I wanted to see. An attractive woman ready to be seen by the public.

My love of the alcoholic came to very much of an abrupt halt when I was pronounced with possible liver problems by my Veterans Administration doctors. I was surprised outside of a few slip ups, I was able to leave my love of alcohol behind. I was able to trust the process and know I would be better off without the one super destructive aspect of my life which was my drinking. These days, I rarely have more than one beer a month. 

As far as my driving goes, I have become decidedly a defensive driver at my age and I have a strong vested interest in being a safe driver while I am behind the wheel. I feel as if I suffered too many close calls when I was younger to tempt fate anymore. The prime example was when I easily could have seriously injured myself and my brother when I rolled a car at a high rate of speed when we were going to college classes one day. I certainly had a guardian angel riding with me that afternoon when I was trying some self destructive behavior

The reason I was able to move away from such poor choices when it came to my lifestyle was when I was able to complete my gender transition I was happier in life.  Or, when my woman took over, she was running the show and did away with all the self destructive nonsense I was participating in. Even though for many years it was very difficult for me to trust the gender process I was slowly becoming so satisfied with my life I wanted to prolong it as far as possible. A honorable pastime.   

Holiday Errands

It is time to venture out into the world at large and run several errands with my wife Liz. 

Since she is

Photo from Jack Dylag
on Unsplash

now on her near to end of year vacation from work she has something close to eleven days off. As Liz is used to doing, she normally uses the time to push together everything we need to do.

The one thing I don't think she ever understands is how the simplest of errands can affect me. On occasion, just thinking of facing the public can set off my gender dysphoria. Even though it probably has been over a decade since I have been confronted concerning my gender, I still have flashbacks to the days when I was laughed at or questioned. My fear is with the current trend of anti-LGBTQ feelings I may be centered out for negative attention. 

Our first stop will be to a big box store which happens to have the best prices on the cat food our feline critters eat. I imagine they will be fairly crowded with holiday shoppers too involved in their own shopping to worry about me. Also, since my handicapped placard has not arrived back from the state of Ohio yet, the amount of walking I hope doesn't bother me much. Perhaps if I am quick about it, I can sneak a peek at the stores selection of holiday sweaters. 

From there it is off to the grocery store where I have never had a problem before. So I don't anticipate any issues this time. Certainly nothing exciting, except shopping for munchie ideas for the holidays. New Years Eve is out this year because this year the semi final national football playoffs are scheduled and The Ohio State Buckeyes are playing the Georgia Bulldogs in the late game. We are huge fans and will be in front of the television. 

Along the way today also, I may talk Liz into stopping for a light lunch depending what time and how hectic the day becomes because we most likely will make another stop at the pharmacy also.  

As far as what I am going to wear, I already have chosen my charcoal gray cable knit sweater for warmth and I am pairing it with my navy blue leggings and faux fur boots. The outfit should be warm enough for comfort along with showing off my developing hips. Plus at the same time be comfortable and not attract attention. From that point forward, an application of light makeup and brushing out my hair and I should be as ready as I ever will be to face the world. 

I just don't understand why after all these years I still have to put up with all my gender dysphoric doubts. I keep telling myself all the success I have had as my feminine self in the world after all theses should mean something. It does until I look in the mirror and all the old doubts come rushing in.  

It's Not All About You

During my often one sided obsessive goal to be a better transgender woman, my second wife often told me it all wasn't about me. The truth be known, it was all about me. At the time my one sided gender obsession only included her when I wanted to go out with her to dinner dressed as a woman. It was normally all good when she caved in and decided to go out with my feminine self. The problem was,

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

she didn't like my woman self. I believe now it all started with my propensity to dress as what I considered in a sexy nature. To no avail, even when I attempted to dress down for her, it was never enough. It was probably because she felt I hadn't learned enough about what being a woman was all about for me to be considered worthy to be one in her eyes. Along the way she had always accepted the fact I was a cross dresser but never entertained any thoughts of me going on hormone replacement therapy and transition my exterior self to a woman. 

All along I learned and accepted it was all about me. The end result was it was my life and I was attempting to live it the best I could. It just so happened my internal problems with life centered on my gender dysphoria which could be a very visible problem to conquer in public. As I tried my best to present as a woman, I would do things such as wearing sunglasses to see if others were staring at me all the way to trying to look in a mirror at peoples reflections to see if they were looking at me. Eventually I learned it indeed wasn't all about me. The great majority of people had their lives to lead and didn't really want to include me in their lives. 

In other words, my wife was right for perhaps not all the right reasons. She of course was considering the future of a possibly fast disappearing relationship to consider. While I was considering if I could salvage the marriage at all with my gender issues weighing me down. She had to decide what the future would hold.  Since I dearly loved her the entire process was torture for me. 

By now you probably have considered the fact it all was all about me. Call it selfish or not I ended up doing what ever I could to survive. My premise all along was gender was one of the most powerful decisions we ever have to consider in our lives was proven to be correct so many times. The fact the vast majority of people don't have to worry about it at all was a benefit to them. They never had to wake up in the morning wondering what gender I would have to be that day. I would not wish the experience on anyone. 

Perhaps, most importantly I learned the hard way I finally made the right decision as far as my gender transition was concerned. When I became a full time transgender woman I became a better person. Partly because such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was so tired of living a life cross dressed as a man. I say that because it turned out my dominate personality was female. A fact I knew all along but didn't have the personal courage to face. 

It was all about me. 

Conquering Dysphoria

 As I was previously writing about, my post Army years became an alcoholic blur along with a mad dash to attempt to out run my gender issues. As my authentic feminine self continued to push for acceptance, my male self took the usual way out. Act as macho as I could and keep changing jobs and places to live. I was trying desperately to outrun the truth. Along the way, I lived in such diverse places as the metro NYC area all the way to rural Southeastern Ohio along the Ohio River and West Virginia. 

All in all I managed to be successful in my career as a restaurant manager and salvage my marriage with more than a couple close calls as I was not telling the truth concerning where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. It all started innocently enough when I started to volunteer to do the family grocery shopping. In fact, one of my best days occurred when a bagger in the grocery store was blatantly flirting with me.  It could have been because of the fashionable mini skirt I was wearing. By fashionable I mean many women during that era wore their mini with oversize sweaters and flats. However, the end result was just to embolden me do do more cross-dressed. 

Time moved on until I got caught by my wife and agreed to seek counseling from one of the only therapists who dealt with transvestites back in those days and she was far away in Columbus, Ohio. This was all before the transgender terminology or lifestyle became prevalent.

When the transgender terminology made it's way to me, it didn't take me long to suspect I indeed was trans. What took me longer was to do anything about it.

In the meantime, I was desperately still hanging on to the idea I could keep my feminine self in the closet. I ended up trying to live part time in both genders and it nearly killed me. After I failed active suicide attempt I shoved my girl self back into the closet for the final time. It wasn't so long after I did it, my wife of 25 years passed away. Which opened the door for me to transition.

Even though this seems like a blur to me and it is impossible to write about all the learning experiences I went through as I decided to cross the gender frontier, it was actually thirty years of my life. I am counting post military until I started hormone replacement therapy. 

HRT was an entire other story. 

One final question, did I finally conquer my gender dysphoria? Probably not. I will probably die with it even though I have been fortunate enough to live fulltime as a transgender woman for nearly a decade now. 

Battling Gender Dysphoria

 After  my shower yesterday, I wiped the fog off the mirror and had the courage to look at myself.  In the past even looking at myself has set off waves of worsening gender dysphoria which I will explain later. 

Pre Covid Summer Picture

As always, my mass of hair was it's ultra wavy, curly post washed self. No surprise, I have never had a problem looking at my hair. Along the way too, I glanced at my face. I saw a curiously androgynous face staring back at me. No real surprise there either. I have decided it is mine for better or for worse to live with for the remainder of my life. 

For the first time yesterday, I was brave enough to look down from my face to my breasts. Since my maternal grandmother passed away from breast cancer years ago, I am considered to be at risk for the disease and have been told to self examine for any strange soreness or lumps. Which I have done. 

As I had the courage to do a chest scan of my own, it occurred to me how rare it has been for me to do one. In the past, the process has caused my gender dysphoria to flare up when I focused on a relatively small set of breasts overcome by a large set of shoulders. Finally yesterday, my slightly expansive breasts were able to hold their own with my undeveloped old male shoulders and torso. I even discovered one of my breasts was larger than the other which is common in many cis women. 

To make a long story short, my recent discovery process has led me to look ahead even more to when the weather warms up (and stays) and I can wear my summer fashions.  

Changes

 It took me a lifetime of living to partially understand what we all should know. Life is but a series of changes. Once we quit changing we die. 

Years ago, due to financial considerations and other excuses, I put off needed dental work. My excuse was I didn't think I would outlive my teeth since everyone around me was passing away. Well, I proved myself wrong and now this week, I need to pay my dues and go to the dentist. I can't even speculate what will happen.

Interestingly, I am filling out the information forms ahead of time on line and quickly I came to the gender portion. I was given the usual binary choices of male and female and a third choice of "unspecified". I chuckled to myself thinking now I was unspecified? 

It's a big week for changes. Today I have a virtual appointment with my endocrinologist which is all about changes to my body. Hopefully, the visit will be all positive because I am pleased with all the feminine changes going on in my body. Even my breasts seem to be fuller these days. As mentioned, my dental appointment for dentures is tomorrow and my therapist virtual visit is Wednesday.

I haven't figured out yet if being older brings on a resentment towards change. Perhaps it's the idea I have already been through that before, why should I have to do it again?

When you consider the pain, suffering and fear which comes with gender dysphoria and being transgender, how can anything in life compare. 

Changing your gender has to be the most difficult process a human can attempt besides being born and passing away.

2020...It is What it Was

 As we conclude the year 2020, it's easy to remember all the negatives. Primarily all the lives which were affected by the virus. Either by death or lingering physical effects. 

Other negatives seemed to be extra tough on those of us who deal with gender dysphoria. All of a sudden we were forced back into our closets from a overabundance of fear. The only socially redeeming value was the mask we hid behind and the socially distanced space we were encouraged to keep helped us all to present more effectively to a questioning world. Even the most innocent dinners out I enjoyed so much turned into an increasingly scary experience. During the year, I learned the hard way how I relied on gender feedback from the public to justify my gender feelings.  

Through it all, there still were positives. One of which of course was Benedict Donald losing the election. Donnie it seemed was totally for taking all rights away from the transgender population, even to the point of erasing us. Hopefully we will see President Elect Biden reverse rumps terrible transgender military ban quickly. At the least, there is hope for the New Year. 

Then there is the vaccine. I know it is not an immediate cure all to the pandemic but again it is a positive place to start. 

Similar to so many others, I have put together a few New Years' resolutions for 2021. Among other things I plan on returning to my meditation, writing more and trying to schedule at least one time a month when Liz and I can safely venture out of the house. In fact, we have already reserved two spots for a socially distanced paranormal adventure at a haunted opera house in Kentucky in January. After all, we don't want to pass along the virus to the ghosts :).  

Most of all, I would like to say Thank You to all of you who stopped by Cyrsti's Condo in 2020. Your input and visits make it all worthwhile.

Have a happy and productive 2021! Cheers!!!

Smoke and Mirrors

 Gender Dysphoria and how it effects us separately is often a very personal experience. Also it revolves too on how we interact with the public as a transgender woman. In other words, do we pass. I dislike the term but it is one of the few I could use other than "present."

I remember the days when I first began to try my hand at a feminine life, I chose places which had an abundance of mirrors I could reinforce my feminine image in. One place I recall many visits was a large coat factory store where I could try many women's winter coats I couldn't afford. One in particular was a pale blue mid length wool coat I dearly loved. I'm surprised I didn't get kicked out of the store for being a pest and not buying anything.

Still I persisted with mirrors I even sought out sports bar venues where I could sit facing the mirrors behind the bar to reinforce my feminine thoughts. Of course the feelings were fleeting and all too soon, I was left alone with my Mtf gender dysphoria.

Recently I read another take on the whole idea called "Being Trans in a World of Mirrors" by Emma Holiday:

 "Everyone has moments of self-criticism and self-hate. They can be even more painful if parents, siblings or friends highlight your own perceived weaknesses. That kind of negative attention takes the extra rawness and makes it throb inside our soul. We are all forced to find ways to deal with it and survive; it gives psychiatrists, psychologists and bartenders job security.

But being transgender seems to be the Olympics of internal pain and external vulnerability. Over the last three years I have experienced the transgender gauntlet of gender dysphoria in all its glory. It is an inescapable experience of doubt, confusion, shame, guilt, anger and fear, churning 24/7 in your head. When you have gender dysphoria, the frightening statistic that 40% of transgender people attempt suicide suddenly makes sense."

Of course Emma has more to add and you can read it here.

Inspiration

 As Cyrsti's Condo is firmly entrenched in it's tenth year of existence and with over 6,000 posts, finding new topics to explore becomes increasingly difficult. It's during this time I aggressively seek outside sources for ideas. 

Recently, I found this quote which describes many of the early experiences I went through as I explored the feminine world as a cross dresser earlier in life. This was before I transitioned into a fully functioning transgender woman.

Every once in a while though, I encounter the occasional novice transgender person who thinks I magically arrived where I am now with very few problems. All of that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Like so many others who encountered gender dysphoria during their life, I seemingly had to go through so many self destructive times which I could write a whole new post about. In other words, I felt the fear and did it anyway...the wrong way. 

I was fortunate though in that I was able to grasp a couple of things which helped to to get by and even succeed.

The first of which was being able to begin HRT (hormone replacement therapy) which at my age wasn't a given. I had to have the good health to do it. Essentially what happened to me outside of the obvious was the feminine pronouns took the male edge off of me. I became easier to get along with. 

The second of which was when I encountered a series of cis women who welcomed me into their circle and I was able to learn more completely how to exist in a feminine world. 

Overall, this phrase became my mantra and I have been able to succeed. I never take it for granted. 

 

A Day at the BMV

 To begin with, the BMV stands for "Bureau of Motor Vehicles" here in Ohio. Because of social distancing and other factors, the fun filled wait to renew any number of personal or motor vehicle licenses can be completed at the "BMV." 

Because I wasn't really pressed for time, I decided to wait for the middle of the month and go early in the morning. Unfortunately there were many other people thinking the same way. Of course I was optimistic and didn't use the call ahead option either, so I spent nearly two hours of my life I will never get back waiting for my turn. 

Through the whole experience I couldn't help but feel the same gender dysphoric feelings I have felt in the past. Would I get called "sir" or asked any other inappropriate questions. As it turned out, my anxiety was wasted. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I had my vision checked, answered a few questions and was soon seated for my lovely drivers license picture, which I won't get to see for at least two weeks. 

As I sat and waited, I remembered back four years ago when I got my first license which said female on it and how proud I was when I got to use it to vote. Since normally I can't remember what happened last week, my license will always be a way to remember when I changed my legal gender markers.

Maybe it was all worth the wait at the "BMV". A couple hours was sure starting to feel like a whole day.

Gender Euphoria

During the cross dresser - transgender support group meeting this week, we welcomed two new attendees. One was very young and confused. The other was in their 60's dressed in male attire with finger nail polish earrings and light make up. Both were able to contribute nicely in their own way.

Perhaps the most interesting question of the evening came in opening remarks from our new moderator who happens to be a life coach of sorts in her real profession. She helps corporations with dealing through gender issues. So she brings a definite professionalism to the meeting.

This week, her initial question to everyone was instead of gender dysphoria, what was everybody's moment of gender "euphoria."

As my noggin quickly rewound through the decades of my life, one defining moment of gender euphoria became very clear. It happened years ago on one of the nights I cross dressed and went out to one of my favorite venues to ostensibly be by myself. It was a dark period of my life, during which I knew deep down I was sliding down a slippery slope towards changing the way I lived by adopting a feminine lifestyle full time. Overall, my feelings were doing nothing more than causing extreme gender dysphoria.

Finally that evening, I considered the lonely life I was living since my wife of 25 years had passed on along with three of my closest friends. So, I really didn't have many close friends left and very few family members either. Also, it was around that time when the Veterans Administration was publicizing they were beginning to prescribe hormone replacement therapy hormones to veterans. I was already receiving health care from the VA, so it was a no brainer...even for me.

All of a sudden, the whole weight of the world lifted from my shoulders and I realized the impossible dream of living full time as a woman went past being possible all the way to being probable.

Adding to the whole idea was the fact I was nearing retirement age too, so I wouldn't have to worry about transitioning on the job.

So my gender euphoria evening was complete and I could then concentrate on building a new life as my true self.

The Past

As impossible as it is to dwell on any changes one could have made to change a life, we transgender folk seem to always do it.

Take away the fact we are trying to do one of the most impossible things to do in a life (changing a gender) and it turns out we trans people are always trying to figure out a way to have done it better.

One example is timing. Those who transitioned later in life, like me, always have the nagging ideas such as what would have happened if we would have attempted the big move earlier in life.

The easy answer for me is I probably could have accomplished so much more. I spent so much energy and torment trying to live with my gender dysphoria.

When you factor in all the outside factors such as family, society, etc, it just hurts my noggin to even think about it.

My example is if I would have followed my first finance's lead and told the Army I was gay when they came a knocking during the Vietnam War draft. She gave me the option of serving or her. As painful as it was at the time, if I had chosen her, I would have missed out on such tremendous life experiences as having my daughter and traveling over three continents in three years on Uncle Sam's dime. Now I'm happy I didn't choose her!

Still it wasn't good enough. At times I resent the years I spent just trying to live up to the macho code. I can rationalize it all now though by thinking I was just ahead of my time. I was just waiting for the world to catch up. As far as transgender community goes, the good "ol" days weren't so good. After all, I remember men being arrested for just dressing like women.

I could go on and on about the torment of growing up as a boy wanting to be a girl but none of that does any good anyhow.

Maybe I should just keep thinking about how things are, not how they should have been. I am happy where I am now. If you ever would have asked me how it all would end up to this point, I would have not believed you anyway.

Dwelling on the past is useless anyway.

The Essence of being Transgender

This week I had an appointment with the doctor who prescribes my bi-polar medications. She is normally very pleasant, business like and the visit only lasts approximately 15 minutes.

On this day though, she had a student with her and I guess needed the extra time with me.  I am happy to say I haven't had many problems with depression or anxiety lately. She surprised me when she brought up my Mtf gender dysphoria being a factor in feeling better. Undoubtedly I said it was.

Then she questioned dysphoria as being a part of the essence of being transgender. About this time, I noticed the student staring intently at me waiting for an answer. Sensing a time to educate two civilians, I used part of my time to explain my problems with gender dysphoria during my life. Quickly I decided  trying to reflect totally on the true essence of being transgender would have bored everyone in the room. Plus, the truth of the matter is all of our essences are different. An example would be, we have two new attendee's in our support group who are just coming out of the closet. Just think of all the exciting yet terrifying times ahead for them.

I also told her the experiences I have had recently with compliments on my hair. And how Thanksgiving for me was a time to step back and reflect on the good things in my life.

Finally, I pointed out I haven't had any extreme surgery and aside from my HRT hormone regimen, what you see of me is what you get. Even though it has literally been years since I have received any negative feedback from the public, I still have a tinge of paranoia in certain situations and probably will have till I die.

In order to wrap this up as simply as I can, I feel the essence of being transgender is living with the knowledge of being on both sides of the gender fence. As my doctor said this week, undoubtedly I have seen a tremendous amount of living in my life.

Over the years, recently I have come to appreciate it!

Thanks

Thanks to all of you who have made comments here in Cyrsti's Condo or perhaps are new visitors to the blog. It means a lot! This includes those of you who comment through Facebook. :)

As far as the weekend went, we had another Cincinnati Witches Ball committee meeting to go to plus the ever exciting weekly trip to the grocery store. Both went without a hitch. I switched up my outfits and wore my paisley soft leggings I love so much with my long red sweater along with boots of course.

As I mentioned in my last post, the two "C"s (Comfort and Confidence) mean so much when combating my gender dysphoria. Again, as I mentioned, I didn't realize how deep my dysphoria ran.  Perhaps it all stems from a few highly unsuccessful  feminine trips in the public eye years ago when I first began to explore a new scary but exciting world. Basically, this was back in the 80's when times were very different.  Most of my problems were self created to be truthful.

Basically, I made the mistake of dressing for men and not women. Specifically, I dressed too trashy and drew too much unneeded attention.  I was stubborn though and figured since I didn't get to go out much, I needed to go all out and get the most bang for the buck. All of it resulted into too many mini skirts and high heeled days.

The only time I was really successful was when I dressed professionally and happened to blend with other cis women dressed the same way.

Which leads me full circle to the night I went out to purposely be a woman and blend in with other women getting off work from a local upscale mall. I was scared to death as I made my way to the upscale bar and ordered a cocktail. The first lesson I learned was, I lived. The second lesson was (after I relaxed) was I lived and actually felt very good doing it. The problem was I felt so good I knew I would experience more problems going back to my male life.

Little did I know, years later I would still be experiencing much of the same feelings.

Enough of me though. Thanks again to all of you for visiting!