Sunday, December 4, 2022

It's Not All About You

During my often one sided obsessive goal to be a better transgender woman, my second wife often told me it all wasn't about me. The truth be known, it was all about me. At the time my one sided gender obsession only included her when I wanted to go out with her to dinner dressed as a woman. It was normally all good when she caved in and decided to go out with my feminine self. The problem was,

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

she didn't like my woman self. I believe now it all started with my propensity to dress as what I considered in a sexy nature. To no avail, even when I attempted to dress down for her, it was never enough. It was probably because she felt I hadn't learned enough about what being a woman was all about for me to be considered worthy to be one in her eyes. Along the way she had always accepted the fact I was a cross dresser but never entertained any thoughts of me going on hormone replacement therapy and transition my exterior self to a woman. 

All along I learned and accepted it was all about me. The end result was it was my life and I was attempting to live it the best I could. It just so happened my internal problems with life centered on my gender dysphoria which could be a very visible problem to conquer in public. As I tried my best to present as a woman, I would do things such as wearing sunglasses to see if others were staring at me all the way to trying to look in a mirror at peoples reflections to see if they were looking at me. Eventually I learned it indeed wasn't all about me. The great majority of people had their lives to lead and didn't really want to include me in their lives. 

In other words, my wife was right for perhaps not all the right reasons. She of course was considering the future of a possibly fast disappearing relationship to consider. While I was considering if I could salvage the marriage at all with my gender issues weighing me down. She had to decide what the future would hold.  Since I dearly loved her the entire process was torture for me. 

By now you probably have considered the fact it all was all about me. Call it selfish or not I ended up doing what ever I could to survive. My premise all along was gender was one of the most powerful decisions we ever have to consider in our lives was proven to be correct so many times. The fact the vast majority of people don't have to worry about it at all was a benefit to them. They never had to wake up in the morning wondering what gender I would have to be that day. I would not wish the experience on anyone. 

Perhaps, most importantly I learned the hard way I finally made the right decision as far as my gender transition was concerned. When I became a full time transgender woman I became a better person. Partly because such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was so tired of living a life cross dressed as a man. I say that because it turned out my dominate personality was female. A fact I knew all along but didn't have the personal courage to face. 

It was all about me. 

1 comment:

  1. I am reminded of an occasion when my wife said to me "Not everything is about gender" I feel for very similar reasons. My whole world had become centred on my own gender identity ~ for me at that point everything was about gender, and how I could resolve my issues.
    I had become very selfish and my need for resolution was all consuming. Although I loved my wife and wanted to preserve our marriage, I needed to sort myself out before I could try to do that, and by the time I had sorted myself out it was too late.
    Off course transition is selfish, we do it for ourselves, it is our resolution to an existential problem, and there will be casualties along the way, casualties in the form of relationships, careers, status etc. Sometimes we have to be selfish just to survive.