Then I Went and Did It!

 

Trans Girl image from
Alexander Grey on 
UnSplash.

I played around for nearly a half a century being a very serious cross dresser. Sounds like a long time, doesn't it!

It was while I was doing it but now it seems like it was a blur. Most of it started with all the problems of sneaking around my home when I was growing up. I needed to use a ton of creativity to hide my cross dressing itself and not to mention the clothes I had accumulated. Somehow, I managed to do it all. Who knows, maybe it all made me a better person? I doubt it but at the least, the process helped me to be more creative with my life.

As I progressed slowly with my makeup art and improving my women's fashion choices by going to thrift stores, I found out I could do more. Then I went and did it by going out and testing the public's reaction to me as a novice transgender woman or at the least a skilled cross dresser. I found, the more I did it, the more successful I was and I felt so natural. To me, feeling natural was the best way I knew I was on the correct gender path and I wanted to keep going. Plus, feeling natural, gave me the confidence I needed to always push my gender envelope and try to do more and more. I even changed the way I viewed my Halloween costumes I was choosing. I started to go away from my trashy woman's look and then tried for a more realistic approach. I searched my brain for ideas which allowed me to try to present as a cis-woman at a Halloween party. Again, I went and did it when I succeeded at two parties where I was actually mistaken for a woman. Which in fact I was just learning I was.

By this time, it was too late to turn back and ignore my gender dreams. I was having so much success building a new life as a transgender woman, I just couldn't turn back. Even my sexuality was not a problem when I began to attract more attention from cis-women than I ever had as a man. I was validating myself as my own type of woman through my years of femininization and it felt so right. Then, I went and did it and jumped into the girl's sandbox and after a few bruises was successful. The claw marks I received on my back I felt were all learning experiences and I stayed and eventually held my own. 

All of this led me to my next transgender step of researching the possibility of beginning gender affirming hormones. Then I went and finally did by making my first appointment with a doctor who I heard would prescribe the hormones if a person was healthy. Thank the Goddess I was and the fun started. Like so many others, I needed to begin my hormonal journey on minimal dose of medication until my doctor and I could see how my body reacted. As it turned out, my body took to the new feminization hormones the way I hoped it would. It was like a big I told you so as my body changed. Inside and out. I needed all the help I could get in the appearance department and I was overjoyed when my facial angles softened and my hair quickly grew to a point where wigs became a part of my past. Luckily, my family history had no male pattern baldness for me to deal with. 

Since my overall appearance was becoming highly androgynous, I was loving it, I decided to give up on what was left of my old male life. I was to the point where none of my male shirts fit my breasts anymore, so rather than buy new bigger ones, I decided to go and do it. Give away what was left of my male clothes and live fulltime as a woman, transgender or not I was ready for the world. 

Since I had taken my time to make certain my gender decision was the correct one, I had no problems of never looking back. Many times now, I wish I had the courage to do it sooner and not have to worry about so many then I went and did its. 

Life is Too Short

As I went through many years of being a cross dresser, I knew time was running short ( I was sixty) if I was ever going to make the big jump to living as a full time transgender woman. As life went on, two major ideas set in.. Perhaps the hardest one was facing my own mortality and knowing I had lived longer than I was going to live in the future. The writing on the wall was telling me I was entering my senior years and time was growing short for any major lifetime changes such as a gender change. Of course changing my gender involved the possibility of losing friends and family as well as my financial livelihood. 

Photo from the Jessie 
Hart Collection 

The second major factor in changing my gender closet was how natural I felt when I was out of my old dark and lonely closet. Somehow the gender euphoria which flooded over me when I was out and about presenting as a woman was a feeling I had a difficult time expressing. Because there was no one to tell how I was feeling. At the time, my second wife was completely against any idea of me pursuing a transgender lifestyle. Being a pretend male at the time, I did what I was trained to do...hold your emotions in and get over any problem you may encounter. Or, man up and get over it. 

For the sake of saving my relationship with my wife, I did my best to go against my own natural feminine instincts time after time. Finally, the stress I was living under became to much and I tried yet another very aggressive act of self harm. I have written about it several times here in the blog because it is so important to me to spread the word that suicide is never the answer to your problems. Mainly because life is too short as it is and secondly what is true today may not be true tomorrow.

In my case, I learned the hard way to accept my own mortality when close friends and my wife all passed on within a relatively short period of time. All of a sudden, the old "now or never" narrative set in on me with a vengeance. So, after exploring being a woman in all the various ways I knew how, I decided to jump off the cliff and transition. I started with hormone replacement therapy and never looked back. Again the more I explored the world, the more natural I became and felt. It got to the point when I was massively depressed when I had to face the world as a male. Mainly because the hormones stripped away almost all of my male privilege's by making my appearance highly androgynous. Plus, at that point, I hadn't made it to the point where I could sample any of the female privilege's. 

Finally, I got it through my thick, stubborn noggin that my life acting like a man was over. More so because the whole male gender process should have never been undertaken to begin with. The weight was finally taken off my shoulders when I decided once and for all to live a full time feminine existence as a transgender woman. Even then I knew the process wouldn't be easy. The time I spent exploring and learning to find my way around told me to be prepared for more hidden curves and walls on my gender journey. 

On the other hand, I had prepared myself the best I could with assets such as appearance and communication so I could begin the journey. I figured life was too short not to do it. There was no attempting to succeed, I was going to make it.

Battling Gender Dysphoria

 After  my shower yesterday, I wiped the fog off the mirror and had the courage to look at myself.  In the past even looking at myself has set off waves of worsening gender dysphoria which I will explain later. 

Pre Covid Summer Picture

As always, my mass of hair was it's ultra wavy, curly post washed self. No surprise, I have never had a problem looking at my hair. Along the way too, I glanced at my face. I saw a curiously androgynous face staring back at me. No real surprise there either. I have decided it is mine for better or for worse to live with for the remainder of my life. 

For the first time yesterday, I was brave enough to look down from my face to my breasts. Since my maternal grandmother passed away from breast cancer years ago, I am considered to be at risk for the disease and have been told to self examine for any strange soreness or lumps. Which I have done. 

As I had the courage to do a chest scan of my own, it occurred to me how rare it has been for me to do one. In the past, the process has caused my gender dysphoria to flare up when I focused on a relatively small set of breasts overcome by a large set of shoulders. Finally yesterday, my slightly expansive breasts were able to hold their own with my undeveloped old male shoulders and torso. I even discovered one of my breasts was larger than the other which is common in many cis women. 

To make a long story short, my recent discovery process has led me to look ahead even more to when the weather warms up (and stays) and I can wear my summer fashions.  

Cyrsti's Condo "Androgyny Personified"

Grace Jones - androgynous actress. Circa 1970

We Got MAIL!

Gee all of you are on your game more than I can ever say and I really appreciate your quick inputs!!!

In no particular order, let's get to the post What Would Mao Say?  and this comment:

 J.AlanaSDecember 22, 2014 at 9:07 PM

Funny because during one of my college classes we read M. Butterfly, and it seems that Mao or his government weren't above using a little gender confusion to elicit information about the US in Vietnam via a low level French attache.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Butterfly
and the real French Diplomat:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernard_Boursicot
and the opera singer:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shi_Pei_Pu

Thanks "J.AlanaS" and if you haven't seen the movie, it's worth a look too!

Moving on to our Cyrsti's Condo post "Androgyny and the Trans Girl" -Sally Bend commented:

Sally BendDecember 22, 2014 at 11:28 AM

Well said, hon. Everybody talks about before/after, but you rarely see anybody talk about that androgynous in between. That grey area used to bother me, but with no true after in sight, I've come to appreciate the little joys it delivers.

Thanks Sally! Looking back at the post, I don't if I made my point about how androgyny really sux for the kid being bullied at school.   For the rest of us though, the tipping point of gender androgyny provides an exciting/scary look into the gender life you are considering.  You can go forward, back or as Sally said, appreciate the view.

We have more mail next!!!

Androgyny and the Trans Girl

One piece to the transgender transition journey is the time a person spends being androgynous.  The gender "never-never land."  I find it a relatively frustrating place to be on occasion. I know where I am going but I'm  like a kid in the back seat asking parents every half hour, "are we there yet?"

Also, androgyny offers a certain seduction to other human critters.  On the negative side, it leads to people being scared,  bullied and violence.

Until I can make the final jump into the girl's sandbox, I am stuck with a certain amount of androgyny.  The amount of attention I get on occasion is fun and other times tedious but (I hate this line) - it is what it is.  I wanted this, love this and here I am.  Interestingly, this weekend, I felt a real live "period" . Without the obvious happenings of course, my breasts were hard and sore and I felt out of sorts all weekend. Over the past couple of years, I have felt these feelings over a period of time (no pun intended) but never a condensed time period.  Believe me, I'm keeping track of the dates to see if I am on some sort of monthly cycle. Heading back to my androgyny subject matter, I know generic males have their own type of period too!

Also I know more than a few of you Cyrsti's Condo regulars will the like the touch of a gender androgyne. Enjoy a pix of the Russian MtF androgynous model  Andrew Gordiychuk.- rocking a hot shade of red lipstick and nails!  Find more on the New Male Fashion site here.

Cyrsti's Condo Art Choice

I just found this picture and wanted to pass it along as it jumped off the page and spoke gender volumes to me. .Femininity and androgyny just to name a few!

Giving Thanks

Well, in my family, Thanksgiving Day has come and gone ushering in the commercial frenzy of Christmas (which if I live long enough, will start on Labor Day in September!) Yes, there was also the too bountiful meal with bunches of kids, way too serious discussions on politics and sports.

I have become in many ways the androgynous patriarch of the family who lost my significant inheritance in a failed business and a wife of 25 years. Nearly eight years ago, around Thanksgiving.

I used to be the "elephant" in the room with my transgender secret that most of the family thought they had an inkling of. In the past, I had a tendency to just be passive in my participation, not knowing from one year to the next when my androgyny would lead to a full time "hey look at me Thanksgiving."

The fun part this year was interacting with several of the older grand kids (12-17 year old range).  Of course I already knew how incredibly diverse my two oldest grand kids are but I didn't know about my brother's 17 year old grand daughter. Along the way, we were able to duck the political speeches and talk about her studies of different religions such as Islam, Buddhism and Hindu. She didn't know that in another life in Thailand, I was best "man" in a Christian/Buddhist wedding and considered myself "follower" of the religion until Liz began to interest me in earth based religions. As it turns out she hasn't been "polluted" by a parenting system who has encouraged her to think.

My 13 year old grand daughter doesn't say much but my 10 year old oldest grandson does...and stuck near my side most of the day.  To catch you up, he is the one who had a very out gay man for a fourth grade teacher a couple years ago. Not so long ago he proudly announced to my daughter how proud he was of me coming out as gay. My daughter said "not gay-transgender" and proceeded to explain the difference.  Fortunately, he seemed to become even more inquisitive about me.  Yesterday we had a quick conversation on a serious side about how he has ran into a few anti-Jewish remarks in his sixth grade class.  I said unfortunately haters are lurking around everywhere and told him about my encounter with "GSB" (gender slur bitch) as my example.

Being who I am too, I tried to get my daughter to let him and his younger brother come watch The Ohio State-Michigan football game Saturday with the family.  He would surely learn how hyper sports fans can reel off a set of cuss words in a record minimum time.  For those of you who don't know, "the game" is nearly a holiday here in Ohio.  As far as my leanings go, all you have to do is look at the picture above. It was taken last May at the Trans Ohio Symposium in The Ohio State Student Union with mascot "Brutus Buckeye."

So, today presents itself as a brief respite before "the game" at noon tomorrow and "the drag show" Saturday night.  More on that in a later Cyrsti's Condo Post!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Woman" of the Day

On Pinterest I came across Scarlett Jones or vice versa. I really admire her androgynous semi goth style!

Take a look:

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl of the Day"

Our feature today is the very androgynous Anderson Brooks:

Cyrsti's Condo "Gender Blender"

Stav Strashko

Boris Apfrel

The pretty pretty boys are back in town!

Cyrsti's Condo "Too Much Beauty for One Gender"

There was nothing to suggest to me this model wasn't genetic...but androgyny is androgyny!

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

"Too Beautiful for One Gender" describes this photo of yet another Mtf androgynous model Alberto Monterrosas.

Androgyny

Androgyny or "too much beauty for one gender" compliments of Dima Sotnikov in Cyrsti's Condo.

Vintage- Classic- Androgyny

I couldn't resist passing along this androgynous classic here in Cyrsti's Condo:

 

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Our feature cover today is an interesting pose from the androgynous male model Alexander Chernov. 

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Jen! Thanks for this comment!

I love the androgynous look!

I recently saw a guy waiting to cross a street in LA that was wearing a blue knee length dress. He had feminine cut brown medium length curly hair, and wasn't making any attempt to pass his face off as feminine.

I was really impressed!

I've many times thought that if I can't get to the point of passing well enough, that maybe I should just go with dressing feminine and accept what mother nature gave me as far as my facial features.

And I have really enjoyed your posts with these androgynous males.

Take care!

jen

And... here is another:

Cyrsti's Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Our feature cover today in the Condo is Mexico's androgynous male model Luiss San Murquia

Cyrsti" Condo "Cover Girl" of the Day

Our feature cover today is yet another beautiful androgynous model David Ferran.  At what point in time do the genetic female models feel threatened?

Cyrsti's Condo "Gender Blender"

Androgynous male and female models together:  Kirill Sadovy (left) Alexandrina Til (female-right)