Friday, February 24, 2023

Life is Too Short

As I went through many years of being a cross dresser, I knew time was running short ( I was sixty) if I was ever going to make the big jump to living as a full time transgender woman. As life went on, two major ideas set in.. Perhaps the hardest one was facing my own mortality and knowing I had lived longer than I was going to live in the future. The writing on the wall was telling me I was entering my senior years and time was growing short for any major lifetime changes such as a gender change. Of course changing my gender involved the possibility of losing friends and family as well as my financial livelihood. 

Photo from the Jessie 
Hart Collection 
The second major factor in changing my gender closet was how natural I felt when I was out of my old dark and lonely closet. Somehow the gender euphoria which flooded over me when I was out and about presenting as a woman was a feeling I had a difficult time expressing. Because there was no one to tell how I was feeling. At the time, my second wife was completely against any idea of me pursuing a transgender lifestyle. Being a pretend male at the time, I did what I was trained to do...hold your emotions in and get over any problem you may encounter. Or, man up and get over it. 

For the sake of saving my relationship with my wife, I did my best to go against my own natural feminine instincts time after time. Finally, the stress I was living under became to much and I tried yet another very aggressive act of self harm. I have written about it several times here in the blog because it is so important to me to spread the word that suicide is never the answer to your problems. Mainly because life is too short as it is and secondly what is true today may not be true tomorrow.

In my case, I learned the hard way to accept my own mortality when close friends and my wife all passed on within a relatively short period of time. All of a sudden, the old "now or never" narrative set in on me with a vengeance. So, after exploring being a woman in all the various ways I knew how, I decided to jump off the cliff and transition. I started with hormone replacement therapy and never looked back. Again the more I explored the world, the more natural I became and felt. It got to the point when I was massively depressed when I had to face the world as a male. Mainly because the hormones stripped away almost all of my male privilege's by making my appearance highly androgynous. Plus, at that point, I hadn't made it to the point where I could sample any of the female privilege's. 

Finally, I got it through my thick, stubborn noggin that my life acting like a man was over. More so because the whole male gender process should have never been undertaken to begin with. The weight was finally taken off my shoulders when I decided once and for all to live a full time feminine existence as a transgender woman. Even then I knew the process wouldn't be easy. The time I spent exploring and learning to find my way around told me to be prepared for more hidden curves and walls on my gender journey. 

On the other hand, I had prepared myself the best I could with assets such as appearance and communication so I could begin the journey. I figured life was too short not to do it. There was no attempting to succeed, I was going to make it.

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