Having it All as a Trans Girl

Archived image
after Beauty Salon. 

As we negotiate difficult gender journeys on the way to becoming our authentic selves as transgender women or trans men, we find it is tough to have it all in our lives.

Many times, as we give up much of the baggage we have accumulated in our old lives, we have to give up spouses, families and even employment. On the plus side, if we have the chance, we can build back better in our new lives. In fact, I was told once by a woman I knew, I had an unique situation. I was starting all over in life where as most other humans never have the chance to do. Before I could get there, I needed to do quite a bit of work.

Early on, I obsessed on my feminine appearance, wrongly thinking it was all I needed to do to make it in the world as a cross dresser or transgender woman. Seeing as how my wife was fond of calling me the pretty princess all the time and I knew nothing about being a woman. Now, I wish I would have listened closer to her. As it was, I did listen to the point where I really began to work overtime observing women to see what she meant and it was not enough. I still didn't understand and my male ego continued to get in my way when I happened to have a successful night out cross dressing. Like the evening I went to a transvestite mixer and was carded at the door to prove I was a guy and not a cis-woman. My defense was I had to know what a woman was if I had been mistaken for one the night before. Plus, somehow I held my gender dilemma against my wife because she would not help me,  As  I always mention, it seemed my wife and my male self ganged up on me to slow down my transition. Both had a losing stake in the process if I made it.

At any rate, I said to hell with them and set out to look behind the sacred feminine curtain to see if I could survive. Quickly, I learned not only could I survive but just possibly I could thrive as a transgender woman. In order to make my way behind the gender curtain, I needed to really learn the basics of communicating as a woman, mainly with other women. I found I had a curious audience of women wondering at the least what I was doing in their world and at the most, learning I was not any sort of a threat. For awhile, my life was moving fast and I was close to seeing what having it all might mean for this trans girl. It all became tantalizingly close. 

So close, I kept moving forward as fast as I could, especially when the forces which were holding me back began to weaken and disappear.  It became easier and easier to toss my old male baggage in the trash and acquire new feminine luggage, The turmoil I experienced at once was the toughest, saddest moment of my life coupled in with a few of the most exciting times I had ever experienced. 

Even with all of my changes I was going through as a transgender woman, I still didn't think I was ever on the edge of having it all. Life is just not built that way. Primarily with the help of a small group of very accepting women friends, I was able to come close and open gender doors which were previously closed to me. I was able to never look back at a male life I never really wanted.

A Vocal Trans Girl

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSplash

The other night when we went out to eat, I needed to order what I wanted food wise loud enough to be heard above the noise of a busy restaurant. 

That meant projecting the best I could, my feminine voice to match my appearance. So many times in my past as a transgender woman and or serious cross dresser, I thought I had done a great job with my makeup and fashion only to destroy it all when I opened my mouth to talk. I could see the surprise in the other person's eyes when they discovered something was not quite right with the picture I was presenting. 

For the longest time, I tried to avoid talking to people all together. It seemed to be a good idea until I realized when I refused to talk, I was just coming off as being mean or standoffish...if I was lucky. Or worse yet, I was coming off as a bitch. So to preclude it from happening was I needed to improve my communication skills with the public. Mostly other women, since men had a tendency to leave me alone. At the least, I had only one gender to deal with as I was testing the world as far as my communication skills were tested. Initially, to sooth the panic I felt when I dealt with other women, I attempted to mimic their voices, which worked to an extent until the conversation became too intense. When it did, I was on my own to see if I could be the total package as a transgender woman in the public's eye. 

All was good, or so I thought, until I decided to go farther and farther in my femininization. I started with attempting to look close to the same as far as the wig I wore and the fashion choices I was wearing. No more trashy style as I attempted to blend in and build the woman I wanted to become. The whole process at time became too intense for me as people around me wanted to know more and more about me. Basically, what was I doing in a woman's world? To answer them, I needed to learn to communicate as a whole new person. I needed to put my straight forward often blustery male communication behind me and be more careful on how I chose my language. 

In order to aid in my vocal trans girl process, I even attempted feminine vocal lessons from an expert the Veterans' Administration assigned me. Of course my "coach" and I worked on how I formed my words but also more importantly addressed what I was saying. I learned the words women used more often to communicate what they are trying to say. During the course of my coaching, I had weekly homework I needed to work on diligently so I could do well the next time I went in for my vocal coaching. My goal was to attain all the extra communication knowledge I could from the help and move back into the world and try it all out. It has been difficult for me to judge how effective the vocal program was but I felt every little bit helped in my quest to communicate as a vocal trans girl.

Plus, I would be remiss if I did not mention the biggest gender flip of all, the switch from male active aggression to female passive aggression. The change to me meant, I needed to be more careful in how I chose any words I perceived to be negative when used with another woman. Which also meant, I needed to be on the outlook for hidden meanings when I was addressed by other women. Especially being told I was attractive...for a man dressed as a woman. 

Overall, I think being a vocal trans girl has been the most difficult part of transitioning for me. Since I was always shy, slipping back into being more or less and introvert was easy but not satisfying. I enjoyed the challenge of putting together the final big piece of my gender puzzle which was communication. Once I did, life became much easier when I could stand up again for my gender self. 

All my efforts at the least helped me to show other women who for whatever reason did not view my presence in their world as a negative and they helped me to succeed more than they ever knew. 

The Quiet Trans Girl

Image from Linkedin on UnSplash.

Growing up, I lived under the double edged sword of not wanting to live in a male dominated world which was my family. So I did what I was taught to do, I internalized my thoughts and never mentioned them to anyone.  I became a very quiet trans girl until when I was in my early twenties and came out as a transvestite to a few very close friends. In the Army, of all places. 

In fact, internalizing my feminine desires became my main theme to my life. On many days, when my gender dysphoria was at it's highest, I had no idea how I was going to make it through another day in a male world. Somehow, without the help of anyone else I made it and continued to live a very quiet life with a few male dominated activities included to throw my gender doubters off the beaten track. Somehow I managed to join up with a small group of hell raisers who I stayed friends with through high school and the military.

Staying hidden in my closet had a negative effect when I first took my tentative steps in the world as a novice cross dresser / transgender woman. When I made my entrance into the real world away from gay bars and clothing stores where everyone could be accepted, I was petrified when someone attempted to communicate with me. What would I say and more importantly how would I say it. Nothing in my life had prepared me for what I was about to face. 

I began the process with simply trying to mimic the voice of the woman who was trying to talk to me, which seemed to work out fairly well until I needed to talk to a man. So I tried to do the next best thing and not talk at all. Not talking worked fairly well until I began to see people again. For the most part, I was easy to remember and more people than I care to mention wanted to know more about me. Particularly women, who in their own feminine way wanted to know why I wanted into their world. To further my communication success, I then decided to attend vocal classes at the Veteran's Administration in Dayton, Ohio. By doing so, I was able to learn the basic differences the male and female binary genders use to communicate in the world. The training went much farther than just the basics of vocal range and I learned a lot. 

Perhaps the biggest improvement I learned was I could now have the confidence to hold my own, one on one with another woman. I was no longer coming off as unfriendly or worse by not wanting to talk. I used to say I was going out to my favorite venues night after night to be alone but it was not true any longer as I was out to be social. 

Ironically, the better I became at being social with other women, the more I was kicked out of my old men's club which I had become so adept at surviving in. I learned quickly my male privilege of discussing topics of interest with other guys was a waste of my time when I was rejected for being a woman. Transgender or not. Like it or not, once again I had became the quiet trans girl. 

It wasn't until I began to build a new circle of women friends did I finally discover I didn't need a man's validation to be a person at all. I could stand on my own two feet and flourish in the world but it wasn't easy to get there. I had more failures than successes when I first started the communication process in the world as a transgender woman. The feminine nuances of non verbal communication women use initially was very difficult to learn. It did not take me long though to grasp when a friendly woman behind the bar was trying to tell me when a drunk guy was a huge red flag and I should vacate the premises.

More than anything else, my new communication skills brought the quiet trans girl out of her shell. When I moved in with Liz in Cincinnati, we began to go to "Meetup" social groups which helped immeasurably with my communication skills. Sure, probably, most of the others attending knew I was trans but I was different and even exotic to a few, so I stood out from the group. I needed to accept the fact and finally began to thrive on my reality.

I know my reality isn't for everyone and my journey could be different than all of yours. The main thing is we are all on the same journey at various points in our lives and can learn from each other. When we do, we can come out of our deep/dark gender closets and live a meaningful life. 

Transgender Socialized

 There is a collection of LGBTQ posts called "Medium" which I have recently been exposed to. Since after a few visits, it becomes a paid site, I was too strapped financially to explore it further. However, through another person's blog I follow, I was able to explore another post concerning being socialized as transgender from Theresa Jean Tanenbaum.

Following my decades long attempt to fit into a male world (and failing), I have given too much thought to the fitting in process, or the lack of. I never really considered the process as being socialized as such. Until I read Theresa's post.

Here is part of it:

"I’ve been a girl my whole life, but I didn’t always know it. As a result, many of my childhood experiences were defined by cognitive dissonance. Growing up as a trans girl is like being gaslit by the whole world and still finding the strength and confidence to say “No! THIS is who I am!” After all, no other girls are subjected to the same degree of toxic masculinity as trans girls. No other girls are forced into boys locker rooms, or men’s restrooms, or all-male prep schools. No other girls are told to “man up!” or “don’t be a sissy”. No other girls are asked to prove they are girls again and again, by people who can’t themselves clearly explain what standard of proof they require, short of direct inspection of their genitals.

Trans girls are sent into male spaces, like canaries in coal mines, often not knowing why we don’t fit it. Not knowing why we are uncomfortable. When we express discomfort with the bullying we frequently experience at the hands of boys, we’re told that “that’s just how boys are” so we’d better get used to it. My failure to properly participate in male tribal behaviors made me a target for male aggression throughout my childhood. Boys who had been taught to “never hit a girl” had no problem starting a fight with someone they perceived as a boy, who acted, talked, and responded like a girl.

For my entire childhood I thought that it was normal to feel sick and nervous around other kids. 

To feel like the other kids were following some script that I couldn’t read. Fearing that if I got a line wrong they’d turn on me. Interacting with boys always made me feel like a rabbit sneaking through a den of lions….one misstep and I’d be devoured. Boys radiated danger to me. "

There is more and you can read it here.

Monday Meeting Day

The second and fourth Monday of the month are meeting nights for one of my cross dresser - transgender support groups. According to my calendar, it is tonight.  One of my biggest challenges is what I wear. I want to look nice without giving any of the overdone cross dressers a run for their money.

I guess the best description would be either looking as real as I can or look like I am not trying too hard.

As I went into during my last Cyrsti's Condo post, The Skin Game, my skin plays very heavily into how I succeed or not. Speaking of that, Paula Goodwin checked in with a comment on makeup/skin:

"Apart from HRT I have found one of the best ways of looking after my skin has been to stop wearing make up. These days I only wear makeup on Occasions ~ the sort of do where any woman is expected to glam up a bit, I have found that most women my age don't habitually wear makeup, and now neither do I. It makes life easier and my skin thanks me for it. That plus a daily moisturiser (and sun block in the summer) seems to do it for me."

Thanks Paula! My only question is have you had any sort of hair removal work done on your face?  I envy some of the younger trans girls in the group who have and have great skin!

If I am not mistaken, Paula is also heading up to her try at stand up comedy during this years' Transgender Day of Visibility. She lives in Great Britain. Talk about bringing it!

It's Been Forever?

Yesterday I went to my bank to deposit some money. Out of the three tellers, I just happened to get the male one. Either he thought I was a vision of loveliness (probably not) or having a real live transgender woman in the bank was a relief from his normal day to day activities.

At any rate, the questions came fast, furious and friendly. Did I do most of my banking on line, was my day going good and was I sure there was nothing else I could be helped with?  I was almost embarrassed. After all, how exciting is a trip to the grocery store anyway?  Plus, yes I did live this way and just didn't put on makeup and women's clothes to go to the bank and run errands. He didn't ask that, of course.

I'm sure though, I shouldn't complain. It wasn't so long ago I was filled full of angst with the thought of even going out in public, let alone communicating with anyone.

As much as I want to be recognized as simply an attractive woman, more than likely, the idea of another person seeing me as a trans girl sometimes is just as satisfying.

In fact on Facebook, I just commented on a person's post who has complained about not wanting to be called transgender at all. She hates the community and pretty much all it stands for. That's all well and good, everyone is entitled to their opinion but it is akin to throwing the baby out with the dish water. After all, one of the big reasons no one knows much about the trans community is because of all the so called transsexuals who transitioned years ago and disappeared. And, like any other community, not all the peeps are pleasant.

We all grew up being someone. Just because that someone happened to be male doesn't make you or him all bad. With all the suicide going on in the LGBT community (especially the 'T') we need visible survivors to prove to the world we can make it and prosper.

It's Nine- Eleven

With all the natural disasters  plaguing our country right now, it is easy to forget many of the unnatural ones such as the "Nine-Eleven" terrorist attack. Here is to remembering the victims of such a brutal attack and their remaining families!

On a brighter side, I wanted to write some original content again and re-continue my archive posts at a later date. They are great to use when I really don't have any thing to write about or any comments to feature.

The older posts also have a tendency to demonstrate what I call "a transgender transition within another Mtf transition." My earlier blog posts have a tendency to feature how  I looked versus how I acted.

 Of course, as I transitioned into full time, much of that had to change. It is hard to explain, but as with any cis woman, you have to look at how you look all the time versus just a couple days a week and the choice of becoming the woman of your dreams. She just may not be your original or fantasy choice, but those ideas may not work for an everyday choice of fashion. At that point, you have to really concentrate on blending with the majority of the cis women around you.

With me though, and what the posts often don't point out, was the sheer joy of my new life as a woman. The clothes just became what they are to any woman-window dressing to the soul.

As I continue with the archive posts from the past, my hope is that the big picture of a transgender transition comes out.

From one LGBT trans girl's viewpoint!

We Got Mail

In response to a couple of recent posts, first from Jeni on transgender PTSD:

"Post Transitioning Stress Disorder
I don't see it as being merely post.
I see it as applying before, during, and after.
One only has to look at how the trash tabloids LOVE outing and demeaning post-op transsexuals, who have successfully transitioned and managed to make a career as a woman. 

Each time the smear campaign is carried out, it's sole intent is to sell news copy, and bash transsexuals for being different.
And what happens to most such women after being outed? There's extremely rarely any follow-up."

And most likely some of the effect undoubtedly carries through to the trans girl on the street and the public at large.

And Connie added : (From an interaction she had had previously with a man) "In the case I was describing, I would say it was as much his disorder as it was mine. I don't think he was trying to hit on me (I've had that experience many times before), but he was trying so hard to show me he was accepting of my gender expression that it left me with the feeling of being "less than". His intentions were good, but his ignorance made the whole thing condescending. I always reply with a polite "thank you" in such cases, but I often walk away thinking that I should have provided some education (not always a polite thing to do). 

The fact that I recognized his remarks as being condescending may well be PTSD, but anything that interrupts my feminine identity and reminds me of a self I have tried so desperately to leave behind would do that, as well. I have managed to at least ignore those obvious things, such as having male genitals or the necessity to shave my face, to the point that they are annoyances I must endure. I rarely allow these things to be a reminder of my male self because I have control over those feelings. I cannot, however, predict what and how someone else will say or do something. Try as I might to be prepared for someone else's reaction to me, being cognizant of that which may burst my bubble is a hindrance to my own self-identity, so I choose to ignore even the possibility of that happening...until it does. Maybe that is the PTSD you're referring to"

Yes, I do think it all plays in Connie because once we begin to face the world as trans women, we have to learn the "dance" all women have to face.

JJ's Sunday Edition

Ker Plunk! Another Sunday Edition is hitting your virtual front porch.
Weather wise we are expecting another sweltering 90 degree humid Ohio summer day, so iced everything will be the way to go today! So let's get started:

Page One: The Week that Was-or Wasn't: First of all, my condolences go out to all the victims of senseless crimes this week. Of course the latest was the twenty plus casualties in Orlando last night at the "Pulse" Night Club. While my blog gently weeps, I just hope for more love in the world. It's frustrating when it seems every week you read of a new story of a gunman opening fire with an "AK-47" on a group of innocent civilians.

Page Two: Yesterday's Coffee-Opinion: Well, the bonfire has come and gone and I had an excellent time even though for once the trans girl wasn't the most interesting woman there.

That honor went to the woman who after about 15 minutes, said it was too hot and there were no men and pulled her wig off and set it on the table. (Cancer survivor plus paranormal ghost buster.)


If you look closely in the picture, I am in the back left corner wearing a striped top. As I said, an excellent time!!!

Page Three: The Back Page: As hot and humid as yesterday was, at certain times I wished I could take my wig off too, except of course I don't wear wear one. Plus, as it turned out, what was left of any makeup I tried to wear was a waste of time too. Which leads me to Connie's comment: "The best paint jobs always start with proper preparation and a good primer. More paint won't make up for those things; in fact, it usually only makes it worse. So it goes, working through our transitions."

I love you all and thanks for taking your time to stop by JJ's!

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk! Another Sunday edition is hitting your virtual front porch! The weather today is typical Ohio-nice today-Artic cold wave Monday. Either way, it's time to grab a cup o joe (coffee) and let's get going!
Page One-The Week that Was or Wasn't: In a 'deja vu ' moment yesterday, a week after the infamous non coffee date with a local crossdresser/trans woman. As I have said and not meaning to offend, (I don't know how she labels herself. )
At any rate yesterday, as Liz and I were doing some grocery shopping in the morning, a rather tallish slim middle aged woman passed us-or did she? Immediately my cross dresser senses went off because she was wearing heels and hose...extremely uncommon in that store where women are most likely to be wearing their jeans, yoga or workout pants on the way home.
But Liz didn't say anything so I didn't either, until the person came towards us again in another aisle and spoke a shy hello (which of course we returned) at that point Liz said she was a "no doubter" family member. (CD/T.) I briefly did wonder if that was the person I was supposed to meet the week before, but I don't think so. As of yet I have not figured out a way to introduce myself without really doing it to a person I suspect is of our faith.
Page Two-Yesterdays' Coffee-Opinion:  You may remember this story from mid December (sent in from Bobby): "Jackie Ryan was in high school when she first got involved in politics.

During a school board discussion in her small town of Sturbridge, Massachusetts, Jackie heard one of her representatives call transgender students—like her—a threat to their peers.

“I immediately sent him an email," she says, "and told him that what he was saying was completely untrue.”

When the representative ignored Jackie’s email, she decided to run for a seat on the school board."

Well, Jackie won! And, Connie commented (on Cyrsti's Condo) : "Meanwhile, so many consider the running of their pantyhose of the utmost importance." (can't figure that one out yet Connie.)

I say, good for her, but I do notice that she must have been running as "Jacob" instead of "Jackie". Anyway, she put herself in a position to show that a transgender person is not a threat to her (or his) peers as much as someone else may cause more damage to young people with an attitude that the ap'peer'ance of a trans person is threatening to their own sensibilities. Jackie was wrong on one account, though, as her campaign goes much further than the Tantasquah school district."

Well, we recently heard from Jackie: "Thank you so much for posting this! The comment above was right, I did have to run under my legal name however I ran openly trans* and talked about the issues and my community believed in me. Thanks :)

No, THANK YOU Jackie!!!! As Connie said, in so many ways you represent the future most of us never had.

Page Three- Carla Lewis: I am partial to Carla Lewis  First, she is a transgender veteran (as I am) and one of substance. In other words, (Connie) she does't consider the running of her pantyhose her utmost importance. Rather here are here recent thoughts off of Facebook:

Carla Lewis

I feel sorry for myself a lot...and I shouldn't. I'm employed. I do okay. I have awesome kids and cool little grandchildren. I have an amazing wife.

Could life be better? Absolutely!

However, on occasion I will catch my reflection in the mirror during a moment of profound clarity and I'll remember that all those years growing up as Justin, I never imagined I would grow into the woman I am. Oh, I hoped for it, prayed for it, and dreamed of it, but that voice inside my head always told me it was a fantasy that could never happen.
...but I did it!
I'm finally the person that I was meant to be for all those years! I carry all my flaws and past tragedies as badges of honor. I got to be the person I am supposed to be. I really did do it!"



Thank you Carla!!!!

Page Four-The Back Page: Since it's Super Sunday, good weather and several other places to be including a writers group, it's time to go! Before I do, here is my prediction; although I would like to see Manning go out a winner-I don't think he will!!!
In the meantime, thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo-it means a lot!!!

Would You Rather?

Over the space of time here in Cyrsti's Condo (nearing five years), one of the questions which has popped up along the way for those of you who are seriously considering a male to female gender transition is-(From Connie) " One of the questions I used to ask of myself, and now of others who may be contemplating transition, is whether it would be better to be considered a beautiful transgender woman or an average-looking cis-woman."

To be fair, I am taking this part of her comment out of context to make mine, but the thought is a very real one. (Go here for the rest of the post and comment.)

On a very deep level, trans is trans and presentation is just something which makes it easier for your inner self to navigate society. 

Obviously, cis women face the same situations as we do and that's why we see the tremendous marketing drives towards women's makeup and fashion products.

I'm actually just getting started on a very intimidating process of putting together similar groups of the over 4,000 posts I have here for another book. It has been no real surprise to me that my earlier posts revolved more completely around what I wore. I guess now, I am boring and expect everyone to just know I'm going with Liz to her doctor's today and no, I will not go through an hour make up process. I can't and work on a blog post, the book and list a few collectibles to make an extra Shekel or two.

So, what's a trans woman to do? Well, it depends quite a bit on how far you have to go to make a "gender jump" in the public's eyes. Some men quite naturally are more effeminate than others and it is easier. In my case, I don't think I ever really was, so I rely heavily now on the external effects of my HRT. Speaking of, I consider my hair as the biggest plus as I consider who I am as a trans girl these days. O (then again) my attitude which helps my public acceptance, or the fact I am very fortunate to have a group of friends and a partner who accept me for who I am.

It's never been a question in my noggin-I would rather be the transgender woman I am trying to make my way- than the so called 'beautiful trans woman' of many dreams.

Can't See My Behind-Got to Look Ahead

I have never really been one to make convenient New Years resolutions which in a week or a month just sort of dissipate. This year though, I have certain life activities which are 'on going.' Just another way of saying I want to 'git r done' before I die.

Lets take HRT for example- I restarted my estrogen patches on New Years Eve. Not well I might add, as the patches wouldn't stick without a band-aid.  No problem, just call me the Teflon Trans Girl.

And,  even more important is my continuing "gender marker" work I will have to pursue again as early as Monday. As of right now, the holiday's have slowed most of everything. (naturally)

Of course, there is always more! 

Just before New Years the Hamilton County/Cincinnati public library announced a service which is just appearing across the country-a chance for you to hard copy print your e book at cost. I can't wait to try it with my "Stilettos on Thin Ice" book. I simply have not had the money to self publish. My problem is I have a deep paranoia with meeting "Stilettos" in person.

Finally, my only real resolutions are to get started on a new book (from Cyrsti's Condo archive posts) and to get into Yoga. Then maybe I could see my own behind?

(Yoga example here shown here by the 'Aflac Duck')

The problem is the duck has more coordination!

The Sexy Dillemma

In a recent Cyrsti's Condo post I wrote I would use the picture of a young Latina transgender girl who was very attractive and was slain brutally last summer.

No pun intended but the double edge sword for trans violence is the better you present, the more chance you could have to attract the wrong "admirer." I have never been in the totally presentable category but I can only imagine the trepidation I would feel if I thought I was trying to "fool" some guy on a date.

Other factors would be "competing" with cis women of the same age. (Especially if they are young, attractive and in competition for a guy. One of the memorable comments I hear quite a bit from the older cis women I hand out with is- when they see a 20 something in a short skirt or low cut top is "hey if she has it, flaunt it." In itself, that statement presents all kinds of serious problems for a trans girl.

The biggest maybe is that looks represent a validation of our femininity. I'm the first to admit I think breast augmentation would mean tons to me and I'm not on the dating market and old. I can't imagine how badly surgery of all kinds goes past the want into the need category for a younger transgender person. 

Plus,it's safe to say the Hispanic and African American cultures as a rule have more of a macho image than say the average white rednecks. (Who are plenty bad enough, so don't accuse me of being a racist.)

Perhaps the saddest part of all of this violence comes when you read the trolls comments after each story. 

At my age, on this topic I am going to fall back on the old cliche and say I hope the world finally changes before I go to the "other side."

Keeping a "Trans Girl" Journal?

As I mentioned previously here in Cyrsti's Condo, I was reading a book my partner Liz gave me called "Awakening your Goddess". Very quickly, the book recommends keeping a journal.

Ironically, keeping a "journal" is a little tougher for a transgender woman because as boys we were gender biased into thinking a diary/journal was only for girls. Imagine if your family found your journal at all-let alone what was written in it???

I find the whole journal concept even more interesting because in many ways I "journal" here everyday. But as I read on, I found I didn't. I write, but I don't feel.

Recommendations from the author "Liz Simpson" include many sensory ideas which a lap top obviously can not provide. Ideas include, sounds, smell, daily writings and even a new pen for your journal. (And the feel of the paper!) All of this makes more sense if you realize she (Liz) is going on to give you a sampling of Goddess's in the book to compare yourself to.

But, as I was yet to find-the best was yet to come!

We were directed on page one of our journals to write down - who did we think we were. As I was to find, an enormous question which deep down I had been trying to answer for over 60 years.

So big in fact, I am going to write about it in my next post. 

"TransAssic" and the Trans Girl II

Yesterday I wrote a post called "TransAassic Park". I was attempting to point out the extreme differences in how the generations view the basic binaries of gender. In fact more than a few 20 somethings I met and heard from in Columbus a couple weeks ago preferred not to participate in a strict gender binary label at all.

Being one of the dinosaurs I mentioned, I wonder if a term such as transgender which appeared during my life and served a very real need for me may also become less and less relevant as I age further.

Example? Liz and I went to dinner last night.  HRT has given me just enough  precious passing privilege to help make life easier. But labels I'm sure get in someone's way. (To the consternation of many.) I have my own breasts and a semblance of a feminine figure compliments of my diet-but no one is slapping a genetic female label on me. Including me. However, I have become my own woman and she is happy to be here.

So, calling myself transgender anymore may describe may just be a "TransAassic" term of how I arrived at where I am today. Plus, it's a great label to use these days especially after the publicity binge we are going through. 

Truly though, I am not so sure it's accurate any more. Maybe it's time to put it into a closet in the museum?

Hey! You Have Boobies

Ok, a couple days ago, the weather around here in Southwestern Ohio blessed us with a fairly warm spring day. Warm enough that I was able to (for the first time) to "show off" my new self. I have lost nearly 35 pounds and discovered parts of my body like a waistline and yes even my "girls." 

It's been a lifetime of waiting for short sleeves, my own hair,  t shirt tops and the feel of "Momma Nature" on my body. Also, I dearly hate wearing bra's and so far Liz hasn't been on my back (or chest) about it. Essentially, I have developed a well formed (almost "C" cup)-so why not? On top (or under) all of that-we have had more than a couple "active" conversations about what to wear under a sun dress. Could be why I notice more than a few generics seeming to be in better moods around here as the weather warms!

At any rate, I was wearing my "peace sign" T-shirt getting ready to go out and my sister in law walked by and said "Wow! You do have boobies!" I thought to myself-forget the damn diet and let's get to the real compliment!  

I had to come down to earth before I went to meet my trans girl friend who is getting ready to move to Texas.

Boy Meets Trans Girl?

You bet ya and there is a film being released on the subject- and -are you sitting down-it stars a real live transgender woman actress. Michelle Hendley (left) is even a mid western girl and lives in  Columbia, Missouri.

Check out the movie's site here.

I watched one of the trailers and I ended up laughing and crying! For a trans person this looks to be the real deal!

We Got MAIL!

Gee all of you are on your game more than I can ever say and I really appreciate your quick inputs!!!

In no particular order, let's get to the post What Would Mao Say?  and this comment:

 J.AlanaSDecember 22, 2014 at 9:07 PM

Funny because during one of my college classes we read M. Butterfly, and it seems that Mao or his government weren't above using a little gender confusion to elicit information about the US in Vietnam via a low level French attache.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Butterfly
and the real French Diplomat:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernard_Boursicot
and the opera singer:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shi_Pei_Pu

Thanks "J.AlanaS" and if you haven't seen the movie, it's worth a look too!

Moving on to our Cyrsti's Condo post "Androgyny and the Trans Girl" -Sally Bend commented:

Sally BendDecember 22, 2014 at 11:28 AM

Well said, hon. Everybody talks about before/after, but you rarely see anybody talk about that androgynous in between. That grey area used to bother me, but with no true after in sight, I've come to appreciate the little joys it delivers.

Thanks Sally! Looking back at the post, I don't if I made my point about how androgyny really sux for the kid being bullied at school.   For the rest of us though, the tipping point of gender androgyny provides an exciting/scary look into the gender life you are considering.  You can go forward, back or as Sally said, appreciate the view.

We have more mail next!!!

He Never Made a Great "Big Brother!"

Big Brother contestant  Rodrigo Lopes  is now  Rebekah Shelton, a Brazilian transgender woman. Shown here as a transgirl and young man (known from Big Brother Brasil 2004)

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Morning Edition"

Hello, all! Hope the "Joe" is brewing and you have a bit of time to sit down and enjoy our "Sunday Edition."

Page 1.-  "Terf Balls"  The never ending battle between the radical feminists or woymn and the radical transgender seemed to come full circle and out again this week.  Perhaps, it all coincided with the time of the year "Michfest" happens in Michigan. It's the festival famously known for it's exclusion of trans women by woymn born woymn.  If you read the never ending war of words between both sides, the discussion ranges from the ridiculous to the pathetic - sadly.  In my simplistic ways of thought, the woymn can stay in their little corner of the girls sandbox and use some sort of "original equipment" genitalia requirement to be there.  Flip the coin, it's the same idea as the males who think they are men because of how many kids they have with how many different women.  The females Terf's have just come up with a fancier name for their little clique in the sandbox.

Page 2.- "Feminism and the Trans Girl."  Ironically this subject "bounced back" to me here in the states, Canada, from a Janie Black post, and from the U.K and Paula.  To me, feminism can be defined as human rights-pure and simple.  To exclude transgender women from the battles other women have been fighting for years is totally ludicrous to me.  First of all, we trans girls bring a unique aspect to the fight which is needed and we bring numbers.  Perhaps it goes back to the basic gender theory that women form cliques and men form teams.  All that really matters is, from the Hobby Lobby supreme court case to the upcoming same sex marriage case (in the supreme court) - the big court is seemingly listening to the public will.  Which, unfortunately is tied into who will scream loudest.  Also, what is swept under the carpet around the country is the amount of violence against domestic women.  Somehow you would think the Terf's and Trans Nazi's alike would get their minds off of original equipment genitalia and help scream in unison.

Page 3.- "Top 5 Things Trans Girls Wish Guys Knew"  We did a fun post recently which was a spin off from a college woman's site.  To which Michellewhois commented:  I loved this! You hit the proverbial nail squarely on the head.  If you haven't read it, just follow the link above-back to it.

"Kelly"

Page 4.- "Coming Out-Everywhere."  From Paula's Place :"The big breaking news here in the UK this morning is the transition of Boxing Promoter Frank Maloney, now known as Kelly."  Should I say "News from the World Wide Transgender News Network? Thanks Paula!!! News like this brings up an ancient Cyrsti Proverb (sorry Confucius!) "If you can't beat us, understand us or join us, we certainly aren't going away!"