Cyrsti's Condo "Archive Post"

From 2014: "It's fairly bad when I encounter others who know just a little about the transgender community but then ask why there are so many mean peeps who love to eat their young.

On one hand I think I know and on the other I'm just as clueless as they are.  I do know way back in the day, I experienced a form of it in the earliest transvestite "mixers" I attended. Those times of course were in the "social media dark ages." Now of course, anyone with the basic knowledge and the equipment can "spread their gospel" or "grind their axes" or just comment on others.  Including me of course.

Fortunately, I am mellowing in my old age and take most of what I see and read from the so called self anointed "experts" in our community with a grain of salt.  Then again, I do have a few old wounds which still haven't healed.

It's a pretty simple deal with me.  If someone lodges a personal attack "just another old guy on hormones" rather than "Cyrsti, I hate your stupid ideas", I react differently.  .Certainly the first person needs to just go away- but the second- sure, they could be right! I always have to be careful though that I attribute the ideas I just pass along and if you and I were chatting over an adult beverage in person, I may say some things I don't totally embrace just to see your reaction and a discussion.  Can't do that with the written word easily!

 "Cyrsti's Condo" may have started life as a rather one dimensional look at many of the crazy things I did as I searched for my identity.  But quickly though, it grew to opinion and news.  More so even, than my trials and errors with style, fashion, make up and hair.

Finally, after all these years, I'm pretty fearless when I do wade into the T-girls sandbox.  The only real reason is I am increasingly secure in my own body and skin. I attempt to constantly remind all of you I write about it as a process- not bragging and if you have read my "Stiletto's on Thin Ice" book, you know why I don't put myself on any pedestals. For most of my 65 years, the ice was damn thin!

But! For "kicks and giggles" here are some of my negative thoughts of why a trans terf (or Nazi) may not like you:

1. You haven't lived as long as a transgender person as they have.
2. You don't have as many operations as they have, or have taken as many HRT meds.
3. You don't look as good as them.
4. You haven't carried your male ego with you transitioning like they have
5. You made the right decision and they didn't.
6. Finally, NEVER act like you are enjoying your life-they will be jealous!"

It's amazing how some things never/haven't changed.

Timing is Everything

Or lack of it.

I wrote a week or so ago about my new glasses I am awaiting. The glasses could come any day now-or any week now for the next couple.

The reason I am extra anxious to see them (no pun intended) is to try them with my new hair color. Having written that, my new color is just an updated version of my old color (without the gray) the color itself is a very dark auburn. I still plan on trying to update a couple of pictures with the "new look".

All of this really needs to happen by the end of the month when Liz and I are going to an artists show we were invited to and a "Writer in Residence" program I would like to attend at the Cincinnati Public Library.

For both occasions I have updated my business cards to plug my book "Stiletto's on Thin Ice."

I even have a new dress I have been saving back for the artist's show and Valentines Day I haven't worn yet.

Tomorrow is another trip to my Trans veteran therapist which usually is always interesting when a get to meet in person the receptionists who insist on mis-gendering me on the phone. You would thing after all this time they would get it right.

The folks who did get it right this weekend were my daughter's family and in laws who have always accepted me with open arms.

So all in all life is rolling by!

Takin Care of Business

I have had several friends I see on a regular basis tell me they can't make a comment on the blog and what's up with the advertisements?

It is my understanding,you have to become a member of the blog to make a comment.(no charge) The spot to do it is on the right hand side about 2/3's of the way down.(Almost clear to the bottom.) The only right I have is to censure any haters or trolls.

Now, the ad's...Google pretty much has total say on which ad's you will see. Sometimes they are worthwhile for you sometimes not. An example was the ad I had today from some obscure university I had never heard of. Perhaps they have read my writing?

Why have ad's at all? Bluntly, like Connie, I need the cash and while I know you can make some sort of respectful return on the time you put into a blog, I haven't seen it yet. Easily, I put an hour a day into JJ's for a very small return.

How is the return figured you ask? Good question. Say you like "Joe Blow's Burger Rama" and an ad shows up on the blog and you you check out the ad, I get an itty bitty kick back.

The ad for the book is a good deal, I get a nice kick back from that, while Frock Magazine is an exchange.

So, if you have paid attention, every once in a while, I position the ads in a different place to create more much needed revenue from a community which is notoriously broke.

Then there are those who fund their blogs through a Paypal account (donation). I have always felt bad about that. It seems to put more pressure on something I started doing for fun.

So there you you go, I hope some of this info helps!!!!! 

Spring Into Spring?

Looking head on (no pun intended) on my newest hair color adventure. For once, my timing is fairly decent as the never ending gray color is beginning to slip through.

Trans Vet Pride

I'm considering going with a lighter red color this time around which will give me more options to stay ligher, go dark again or back to the vibrant "violet" which was such a hit last fall. Decisions, decisions,decisions. One thing for sure is I will have to color it again sometime around Memorial Day for my invite to the Veterans Picnic at the VA in Dayton and Trans Ohio Symposium. 

As I look back on it, maybe my violet hair was a bit of a clue that I may be wild enough to take on the "Frank N Furter character from Rocky Horror Show. (How about 'selfies' with Frankie') to make some money for charity?

TransOhio 2015

Also, before I forget again, thanks to all of you who bought my book. All of the sudden I began to get bi-weekly reports from the publishing platform I am on and at one point Stilettos on Thin Ice was in the top 35% of all Kindle/Amazon non fiction books. (Can't make any of that up.) Now I have to get up off my arse and get #2 done!

Can't See My Behind-Got to Look Ahead

I have never really been one to make convenient New Years resolutions which in a week or a month just sort of dissipate. This year though, I have certain life activities which are 'on going.' Just another way of saying I want to 'git r done' before I die.

Lets take HRT for example- I restarted my estrogen patches on New Years Eve. Not well I might add, as the patches wouldn't stick without a band-aid.  No problem, just call me the Teflon Trans Girl.

And,  even more important is my continuing "gender marker" work I will have to pursue again as early as Monday. As of right now, the holiday's have slowed most of everything. (naturally)

Of course, there is always more! 

Just before New Years the Hamilton County/Cincinnati public library announced a service which is just appearing across the country-a chance for you to hard copy print your e book at cost. I can't wait to try it with my "Stilettos on Thin Ice" book. I simply have not had the money to self publish. My problem is I have a deep paranoia with meeting "Stilettos" in person.

Finally, my only real resolutions are to get started on a new book (from Cyrsti's Condo archive posts) and to get into Yoga. Then maybe I could see my own behind?

(Yoga example here shown here by the 'Aflac Duck')

The problem is the duck has more coordination!

Stay Out of Red Neck Bars if you Ain't a Cow Girl or a Sheep

Over the recent years here in Cyrsti's Condo, many have asked me how I finally began to make a transition into a quality feminine lifestyle. First and foremost, I have been able to balance a lack of movie queen looks with a group of cis women dedicated friends. Normally one balanced the other until I gained confidence to "step out" on my own. Look at it this way, instead of hiding in the back of the line, I became an active partner.

Secondly, I began to be more selective on where I went and quit taking chances so to speak. Here's an example: Today Liz and I along with a few acquaintances toured a working artist gallery in an old factory building in downtown Cincinnati. I am not the biggest art expert in the world but I do admire and respect more than a few of the artists work which I met today. And, DUH!!! I was welcomed and Oh-Gee there weren't any of those pesky gender specific restrooms.

So my advice to the novice cross dresser or transgender woman heading out into the public eye for the first time is - go to someplace percent wise that you can relax and enjoy the world. If you can and I know it is tough. I tripped through malls in heels and short skirts and most definitely found my way into some wrong drinking establishments. I was no angel.

In fact, one of my goals for next year is to finally e-pub my second book which details most of my dumber moments in the world. My first literary effort "Stilettos on Thin Ice" was much more of a personal look of how I survived growing up transgender.

Spoiler alert: I may have lived through my visits to a few red neck bars and I had a real tough time passing as a "cow girl" or a sheep. Depending on who who talked to!!!

Just Who the Hell do You Think You Are?

In my previous Cyrsti's Condo post, I mentioned the recommended way to start my journal-with the question of who did I think I was? Then I was positively blown away with the first question: how did I feel about being a woman? Then list 20 words I associate with "femaleness". 

Then, the second question asked "Did I ever consider being a man?" By this time I had barely noticed what the rest of the journal questions pertained to, I was so stunned.

As my noggin began to clear though, I began to think the questions through.

A quick example was how "back in the day" the great majority of the words I would have associated with "femaleness" would have been clothes/makeup/appearance orientated. Today, maybe only a few. (I am going to journal my "20" today.)

I simply flipped the "man question around: "Did I ever not consider being a man and how much pain did it cause me?" Again, I will  write down 20 words.

In future posts of course, I will pass along some of the other points from the journal list, such as if I wrote a book about my life (I did) what title would I give it "Stilettos on Thin Ice."
As well as other relevant questions about the type of women I get along with best, etc.

So, plenty of thought and words to pass along to all of you soon!!!

Changes in Attitude, Changes in Latitude

With all respects to all you Jimmy Buffett "Parrot Head" fans, I couldn't resist using one of his song titles as a lead to this post.

Before I get into it, I feel the need to pass along this disclaimer- none of the posts I ever write here on Cyrsti's Condo are ever intended to imply my progress with HRT or hair or anything I do makes me better than anyone else. To further that point, I provide the pictures I do...so you can make your own decisions on the beautiful critter I am.

On the other hand, there are moments of pure fun and the opposite which the premise of this blog was built on. The "good, the bad and the ugly of Mtf transitioning." In fact my "Stilettos on Thin Ice" book was written about.


So much for my book plug and disclaimer. What this post is really about it is, I have grown quite used to wearing a very loose tank top of sorts around the house since it has been so hot. It's appropriate with Liz but not her 17 year old son. One "slip up" and I have an extremely good chance of suffering a fashion "mishap." Such a difference a year on HRT did make in the magical/mystical breast department. BUT- what is good for me does not make it good for you and the process is not without medical risk.

So, I had to change my shirt and get yet another lecture about not wearing the tank top out in public without something under it.

Damn puberty!

"Fear and Loathing in Ohio?"

Several days ago Stana on the Femulate blog wrote a post essentially about part of her yearly trip to Hamvention here in Dayton, Ohio called "Fear and Loathing in Ohio." 

Immediately I thought Whoa!!! basically, she worried about Ohio being (and I paraphrase) less than liberal and somewhat worried about traveling through it. I will let you get your own take on it because after being slightly miffed immediately, I began to think-Stana is right.

Selfishly, I have had tons of fear and loathing here as I opened the cross dressing door and began my transition to woman. On a much larger scale though Ohio is a melting pot of ideas and sometimes they just don't melt. I can see how that would frighten some-after all- there is a reason we are always a presidential battle ground. 

Plus, "Fear and Loathing" for each and everyone of us is yet another highly personal situation. I can't begin to express the terror I felt the first night I journeyed into a TGIF Fridays. Could I - would I be able to for the first time in my life express my feminine self. As is turns out-the evening was successful and the first of many. And, in a Dr. Phil moment- I have many more examples of "fear and loathing" in my book "Stilettos on Thin Ice."

So, it has been suggested on occasion the hormones cause me to become a little more bitchy. So I have calmed down now and agree-there is "Fear and Loathing" in Ohio! But rest assured, there are more and more "freedom fighters" out here on the frontier getting organized to make life easier for all transgender women and transgender men. 

I certainly don't live in a cushy liberal neighborhood but acceptance is worth the battle!

What's The Wife Going to Say???

Been there-done it. I was a married cross dresser through two marriages. I can only say for me it was "cruel and unusual" punishment and especially to my second wife who passed on nearly eight years ago. Perhaps she was right. I would drive her to an early grave.

From what I read from most of you and others around the web, I was different in that I told both of them I was a transvestite or cross dresser before we were married.

Of course I'm always on the look for ideas on the subject-especially from the generics who were or are married to cross dressers such as Maria (see blog link) to the right and this latest link from Tasi Zuriak who recently announced Sister House newest writer, Terri Lee Ryan, ex-wife of a crossdresser, and her expose on the 10 Reasons Cross-Dressers’ Wives Divorce Them | Family Room .

You Cyrsti's Condo regulars probably tire of me repeating of my second wife totally supported my cross dressing while at the same time was just as adamant about not accepting me as a transgender woman .Her reason was sound, a cross dresser was a man in a dress a trans woman was that-a woman.


Yes, at one time I even attempted to set up a generic "acceptance scale" in my Stilettos On Thin Ice Book. Basically, there are number one spouses like my partner Liz, who has never seen any male in me after four plus years. Then on the other end there are the number ten spouses who wouldn't wait to put a divorce lawyers number on a speed dial at the same time she heads out to her "snake worshiping" bible thumper. Obviously, the numbers in between represent snowflakes. None are the same.

If I have enough time, I am going to go back to the Sister House site and pose the question about how many cross dressers told their spouses up front. Then, assuming they didn't how many tried to hide the fact until they were caught or actually waited to "come out." How much does "honesty" really matter?

I'm thinking there are too many still in the closet to come up with a representative number. After all, I know there are so few cross dressers who can actually come out at work or on the evening news. Not a good way for "the wife" to find out.

Going Back to My Roots

Before I get too far into this post, no I am not talking about my hair roots! I'm writing about my very dark years in the cross dressing closet and realizations how the past has effected my present.  First of all, I'm always surprised when peeps think I have magically arrived at this point in my life without a tremendous amount of stress and tension. Very simply, I almost didn't live through it. Connie said it best- we are survivors.  In most all transgender cases (to quote a movie line and twist it) "it's not the years-it's the mileage too."

Recently, I have been revisiting my past by reliving it through others.  On one side, there is Gena I'm chatting with.  She is in her 60's deeply closeted except for a semi understanding spouse and beginning to think she is trans. Then there is Maria with her Cross Dresser's Wife blog. And, finally last night there was Kadijah who by accident ended up sitting beside me at a Creative Society of Cincinnati meeting. 

All of these dots connect. All take me back to my roots.  Gena is self explanatory.  We share the same age and probably if not for certain extenuating circumstances she could be in a similar situation as I am. Maria on the other hand most likely shares much of the same problems/opportunities which my wives have had from loving a cross dresser or transgender woman. (And more I will mention in another post.) And then there is Kadijah who was a "civilian" until last night.  At these meetings, Liz primarily networks her beadwork, knitting etc. and I use them to "hawk" my book Stilettos on Thin Ice.  Of course, as I do, I automatically out myself as I did with her when she asked what my book is all about.  Anymore my simple answer is my sometimes painful story of living a lie as a cross dresser until I came out and transitioned as transgender.  It turned out Kadijah was a 30 something very talented artist from here in Cincinnati and we ended up having a fascinating conversation which went way past being trans.

Never a dull moment! Thank goodness!

Professional Woman's Night Out

My partner Liz is a member of several "Meet Up" groups in Cincinnati.  Last night she took me along to her Professional Women's Meetup dinner last night. 

As always, I had very little idea of what to expect. 

At the least though, I should have expected the self introductions when everyone around the table introduced themselves.  Of course, where I was sitting, I was second to speak.  I am not new to introducing myself and anymore, not shy about doing it. I essentially said, "Hello I'm Cyrsti Hart, I am a transgender woman, blogger and writer. Needless to say, I was beginning to receive a little more attention by this time.  My biggest mistake was not bringing enough of my Stilettos on Thin Ice book promo cards as most everyone wanted one. 

As far as the rest of the meet up went, I was flattered to be among such a group of interesting accomplished women.  Accountants, Attorneys, Artisans and all.  My gender take on the evening was, women as a group tended not to talk about the success of their business's as much as giving them a gentle networking nudge.  All the time, they were mixing in tons of "soft" info about where they live, have lived or plan to live.  Of course. I didn't expect a male dominated "sledge hammer" networking approach either, so for the most part (for once) I was quiet and learned.

The most wonderful part of the evening when I walked away from the experience with yet more knowledge of the gender path I was taking.  I'm most appreciative to my partner Liz for taking me and  to the women around the table who welcomed me into their circle!

Rockin the Airwaves!

I can't say Thursday brought back many fond memories of my radio disk jockey days which ended in the early 1980's , but it's worthwhile to note the feedback from a couple of you who heard the broadcast.
 First, The "Fabulous Connie Dee":  I listened to the broadcast stream - not sure if it was up or downstream-complete with commercial interruptions. I even tried to call in (after making a search for their number), but they apparently have but one line, and they would wait forever to hang up on each caller. I thought that it could be fun if we were on at the same time. You did just fine by yourself, though. I remember a Cyrsti from not that long ago who would not have been so restrained. I would have shamelessly plugged your book, had I been given the chance/ {:-)
Connie, don't worry, I have not developed a new "laid back" personality, unless by some chance HRT is working some sort of changes on me. And, I haven't developed the "Dr. Phil" mentality yet by trying to plug my "Stilettos on Thin Ice" book , although I should before I get invited to Ophra's house!


As far as the radio station itself- WAIF, it's a local "subscriber" supported radio station and I really don't know if it is not another of the many "faith based" radio stations around here or simply a non commercial one.  Except for the commercials you pick up on line on their "stream". Yes Connie, being on with you would have been a dream come true- or nightmare when we got kicked off!


And, Janet Warner sent in this comment:  Cyrsti,
I caught part of the show today and heard you when you called back in the second time. I thought the show was very positive, it is so wonderful that finally what it means to be TG is being discussed openly on a radio station with a broad audience. It is a rotten shame however that it takes the death of such a young innocent person to shock folks enough to have the discussion in the first place. Hopefully some good will come of all of this, but as one of the callers said, until it is no longer legal to discriminate against a person on the basis of gender identity, it is hard to see how real progress can happen.


Thanks Janet!  Indeed it is sad a young transgender person has to take her own life for this to happen. Didn't you think the program showed the depth of the problems we face?  Mr. teen therapist Moderator Tom, relayed right off the bat how stunned he was when he found about the "Josh Alcorn" he knew and the problems "Josh" was facing.  At the least now, Moderator Tom has heard about the problems of being transgender and how close to home and well hidden it can be.


While the conversation did show the depth of ignorance we face, until we face up to talking about it-no real progress can happen.  I was happy when I got back in to the show for the third time, I was able to have been one of two transgender veterans on the show. I was able to mention the discrimination active military members face IF they chose to come out.
While I doubt if I will be invited back to participate anytime soon on the station (even though I was not a wild woman), I think perhaps I will get a mention or two at "Moderator Tom's (and Leelah's church) on Sunday. I would love to be a fly on that wall-until I got swatted for being a trans fly.

Just Another Day in Paradise?

As you regulars around here in Cyrsti's Condo may know, I have the attention of a seven year old.  Plus, I write tons and read very little.  Recently though, Liz acquired a copy of a book called "Dress Codes-Of Three Girlhoods, My Mother's, My Father's and Mine."    The book was published back in 2002 by Noelle Howey.

Literally, after approximately three months of reading the last 75 pages of a 325 page book, I formed several thoughts: On a pure mechanical basis, I know how hard it was to write my first book "Stilettos on Thin Ice" which wasn't  even close to being as long. I wonder how anyone else does it.

Secondly, the family perspectives from a generic female on her way to becoming a woman was perhaps too much detail for someone like me-but-that's just me.  Also, became quickly apparent too, was how much the overall climate for transgender women and men has changed since she wrote the book.

Finally, as I blissfully waded through my reading of "Dress Codes" I was moderately interested in the fact the whole family is from Ohio.  Cleveland area to be exact.  She began to mention "Christine's" tentative first steps out of the closet came at cross dresser meetings around Cleveland. Christine also mentioned meeting the never charming, self proclaimed transgender pioneer Virginia Prince.

I operate in a tunnel and never really wondered about the timing of Christine's cross dresser meetings, until finally Noelle wrote about her (Christine) winning the Miss Paradise Pageant in 1989. And, with the help of electrolysis and HRT, Christine came fully out of the closet.  Being the brilliant person I am, my noggin finally kicked in and I remembered I attended a few of those " Paradise Club" meetings in Cleveland in the 1980's. I don't remember a Christine.  What I do remember is how diverse some of the meetings were.  Not only was I meeting other professed hetero cross dressers, I was meeting another spectrum of attendees ranging from fetish cross dressers to those who (like Christine) had their sights on SRS later in life.

The biggest drawback was "Paradise" only lasted a very short time and I hope so many years later, Christine has found hers!

Playing in the Trenches

Accidentally, as I was writing another Cyrsti's Condo post the other day, I used MtF transgender woman Kimberly Reed as a stereotypical example of a point I was trying to make on the physical part of transitioning.  During her sports career in football, Kimberly was the young blond slim quarterback, during mine I played in the trenches as a defensive end.  NO, I did not play on Kimberly's team, against her and we are different ages from different places.  She is an example kids!!!

Sure, a physical transition is never easy and if you are blessed to have the support and resources to do it-the earlier the better.  I can tell you from personal experience, taking a 60 + year old male body and changing gender gears is no picnic. As you all know though, I have been at it for a long time now and found myself "back in the trenches" on several fronts.

The first "battle" ironically came quickly from within what I considered "my own community." I was naive though and thought any of the successful strides I made discovering my inner femininity could/should be shared with others.  I found instead until I spent thousands on surgery and endured years of pain, I wasn't worthy.  Although on occasion I did get my feelings hurt, I considered the source, began to call them "Trans-Nazi's" and moved on-into the real world.

Like so many others, I was spending most all of my early public time in gay venues.  I didn't take long to find myself in a different set of trenches.  Back in those days, gay and lesbian venues had even less knowledge of what a transgender woman or trans man was all about.  Worse than that, they didn't care to. After a night of getting ignored in a gay bar trying to get served, I said to hell with them and began to go to straight venues. It worked and I moved on.

On occasion I landed back in my own transgender community.  This time, I was called a transgender "pretender" by the purists of the trans world-after all, why had I waited so long to transition?  You know, it's a good question, but essentially none of their business. But, how much fun would that be, and all you regulars know I have answered the "whys and hows" of my life and even wrote a book "Stilettos on Thin Ice"  to explain it.

So, if you are considering making the transgender gender jump, chances are you are not living in a feminine ready body right now.  If you are ready to get in the trenches and do it,  be ready, the process will be incredibly tough.  The rewards though, can be just as incredibly wonderful.

I love those who tell me I could  never transition-I look like a linebacker. I just say, remember me? I was the defensive end - just down the line from you. .

Pushing the Envelope at Home?

One common theme most of us face or have faced is how we approach our lives as cross dressers or transgender girls with wives who understandingly have a huge stake in our actions.  Here is a portion of a comment from Pat about her life:

While over time my wife has acclimated a bit to me being dressed she still does not want anyone to learn that I am a CD. When we lived in the house we were somewhat isolated. We were down a long driveway on a small road with only a handful of other houses. When I would dress my wife was always running around closing the curtains even though there was no real way passers by if any, would be able to see in.

She went on to say though, they have since moved to a more populated condo.

Surely, spouses have a huge stake in us...if they don't, it's time to put a lawyer's phone number on your phone's speed dial.  Relationship-kaput- done-finis. I wrote nearly a whole chapter on this subject in my "Stiletto's on Thin Ice"  book.  Plus, you Cyrsti's Condo regulars probably get tired of me writing about how my wife accepted my cross dressing before we married.  On the other hand, she never made a secret of how as soon as I began the path to HRT, we would part ways as friends.  She passed away before I started. 

Recently on another site where I was commenting on gender differences, a generic went out of her way to agree with my comments but prefaced it all with she was a Christian and didn't agree with my lifestyle. Believe it or not, I never waded back in.  My point is, if a spouse truly believes her faith precludes loving and accepting all, she will never accept a cross dressing spouse - let alone a transgender one.  

I also know though, what an incredibly selfish gender journey we embark on.  Many times, not understanding all of it ourselves, let alone expect a loved one to embrace it.  Plus, for most of us, the more we experience the girl's sandbox-the more we want.

Personally, I have a whole box of envelopes I have pushed over many edges during my life but my transgender experience was far and away the most powerful.  My wife and I made it 25 years, and if I was her, I would kicked me out after year one.  Which makes her a better person than I.  On the other hand, she made me the woman I am today and Liz brought her out.

This post could go on forever and is as complex as any I could write.  Maybe we could just make it into some sort of Condo game show? Pick this envelope and see what's in it?

My Goat and I

This is not a fun story, in fact it is downright painful about why I grew the "Goatee."

For obvious reasons, I never wore much facial hair because I knew sooner more than later it would have to come off in some sort of "ultimate purge." Fortunately too, my beard growth basically stops from the corners of my mouth over to my ears.

I have written in length here in Cyrsti's Condo, and even more so in my book "Stilettos on Thin Ice" about how I tried to balance my awakening knowledge I was transgender with a desire to stay with my wife of 25 years.  She always accepted the knowledge I was a cross dresser but never would embrace thoughts of me being trans.

Bottom line was, the more I explored my gender, the clearer it became I was trans.

Sounds easy, right?  The problem was, I began getting caught up in lies about where I was and what I was doing on a greater scale. I became harder and harder to live with.  To the point on one occasion, when she told me "be man enough to go become a woman, we both will be better off." I didn't and continued down a road where I essentially was cheating on her-with myself.

Finally, on yet another occasion when she came home early and caught me coming through the door, I had had enough.  I wasn't being honest with myself, her or the world and dishonesty in a person I felt was one of the nastiest attributes ever. Someone could call me stupid-just not a liar. So here I was lying.  What did I do? Once again I tried to take the easy way out by taking a whole bottle of whatever bi-polar medicine I had at the time and curled up downstairs on the couch.  I'm writing this, so you can guess the pills didn't kill me (I never told her.) so I went to "plan B."

I am a firm believer in whatever spirit you worship giving you a strong hint of what you should do in life. I am not the sharpest tack in the box and I chose to ignore my spiritual gender guideposts but for some reason, "plan B" was looking better.

The plan was going to be utterly difficult and in many ways I thought would be tossing all of my feminine learning experiences in the trash.  The only way though I knew to stop what I was doing was to grow a beard.  A voice deep inside was screaming at me, "Just Do It!" The picture of me with a goatee here on the blog shows the result.

The saddest part of the story is approximately two years into me doing the wrong thing for the right reason-one night my wife of 25 years went to work and never came home.  She suffered a fatal heart attack on the job. Absolutely and positively I never thought I would outlive her.  That was eight years ago this Thanksgiving and the mental trauma took me five years to work my way through. The night was the reason I try to tell everyone how literally paper thin, life really is and everything you think is permanent is merely an illusion.

Now though, I am proud of the fact now, I was able to live up to what I said I was going to do during the last two years of her life.  Selfishly, I do listen to those who say she was wrong to expect me to be someone I wasn't (like her sister, my daughter and my partner). I know they are right but I loved my wife deeply and she was my best friend too, so as in most other things, there was so much more than meets the eye.

In the picture, I had ballooned up to 275+ pounds.  After her passing, I went back to my inner soul for survival. She helped me to lick my wounds and slowly get back in the game and within a week, the goatee was gone.

Should I say, the rest is history?

It Is a Woman's World

This post is actually just a compilation of thoughts. First of all, an extension of the woman in the bright yellow Camaro convertible, with the matching hat driving past me with the top down (not hers) Saturday. The differing gender reactions to her presented a classic look at how the male/female binaries work.

First of all, I'm going to assume the couples I saw were men and women not just males and females.

Many of the first lessons I learned in the girl's sandbox came on how you had to learn to relay on your senses to survive and even thrive.  Communication was the biggest change for me.  My entire life, I knew what a woman wasn't telling me, carried the most weight and I had to learn now a new world of glances, innuendos and body language.

Quickly I put together a checklist of how women were viewing me in my the early days out of the closet  as a cross dresser.  You may remember them from here in Cyrsti's Condo, or Stilettos on Thin Ice.  Here are the basics of what I looked for:

1. No look at all, or looked right through me.  I figured I passed as feminine because women don't miss much from other women.
2. The "head to toe" look.  The "other woman" made no secret of checking every inch of me out.  She knew something might be amiss with the gender picture she was seeing.  But she didn't seem to be sure, and most of the time, I was satisfied with that!
3. The little "smile".  This was a tough one for me because to many women, this is an accepted "inter-gender" greeting and not nasty.
4. The little smirk.  She thought she was cool because she was in on my "secret".
5. The "slut" look.  I knew I had gone way over the top in the outfit I was trying to pull off, and so did all the other women.  There are a group of women though who live in this group who have very few female friends and need men to compliment their ego. (another post)
6. The run, whisper and point female.  She just had to get to her nearest companion, point at me, whisper in a ear and laugh. UGLY!

Like I said, I knew if I was going to be able to succeed in this feminine world, I had to learn to cohabitate with the ones who run it-women.

As far as our girl in the yellow convertible, I'm pretty sure all the women I saw glaring at her first and then their male companions, but her in #5. I'm also pretty sure the woman didn't really care!

Award Winning

This morning, being the radical person I am, I changed up my routine while the joe (coffee) was brewing, instead of burrowing into my email accounts, I just had to pass along this post from one of the few Tuba playing, super gardening transgender women on the planet....Paula Goodwin.  It comes from her Paula's Place blog and is called "Who am I?"  The subject is what makes a blog a "gender blog?":

Paula (on the right)

Here is an excerpt:  The other day I noticed a comment on Stana's Femulate which made an observation about "Gender Blogs", now it is usually the poss on blogs that get me thinking but this comment made me wonder, what is it that makes a "Gender Blog"? and is this one?

It seems that I'm not the only one thinking along these lines at the moment, Cyrsti noted on her Condo that she had made a few "genderless posts" and the wonderful Hanna wondered of she should be writing about more than just clothes and makeup, I enjoy these blogs and would say to them both, don't try to change, just carry on doing what comes naturally.

And more:

Certainly it was my gender issues that made me start the blog, it soon became a safe place for me to note my thoughts and feelings, and occasionally get some feedback from people who had walked this path before me.   It was a chance to talk about my outings, discuss my latest clothing purchases and talk about makeup.   But soon the rest of my life leaked in.   I am not just transgender but many other things as well, so I hope that is reflected in my blog, I know the blogs I enjoy reading most are reflect the whole person, not just their gender identity.  

First of all I was flattered to be included in Paula's thoughts and two, the excerpts above are just a portion of her thoughts. (Follow the link above for the whole post.)   

Finally, my feelings on the matter of writing a "gender blog" is this.  When I started Cyrsti's Condo, it even had a different name and was a suggestion of an on line acquaintance who I had shared my  cross dressing experiences with.  More than several people seemed to be be interested in my antics and wanted to read more.  Then my orientation began to change with HRT and living more and more as a transgender woman- and I kept writing.  So to this point, you all have transitioned with me to the point of even buying my book "Stilletto's on Thin Ice." - if you wanted the in depth version.

So I suppose, in many ways I'm beginning to feel the same way as transgender women such as Laverne Cox and Carmen Carerra do:  I am actively merging all my social media accounts involving my non gender related business and interests into one account on Twitter, Pinterest, etc...I do all of this and I just happen to be transgender too. An example is,  if you go to my Pinterest page you will see boards reflecting my love for vintage items and "ambiance" home decorating ideas as well as the usual plethora of cross dresser, transgender pix.

Who knows? Maybe as I merge everything I love into one person and project it into the world, I won't be writing a "gender blog" anymore.  But that is another topic for another post and thank you Paula!

Cross Style

Whatever label we want to stick on ourselves-cross dresser, transgender, gender fluid or whatever, our style becomes an integral part of us.  As we make the migration into the girls sandbox of the high maintenance gender, style is as big a part of our lives as most of the genetic women in the world.

Of course most of us (of age)  go through our formative cross dressing years without much guidance.  We knew what we wanted to look like from the confines of our masculine world.  If guys thought we looked like women, we passed and all was good.  Then of course, if we pursued it further, we found the world put so many other expectations on us as we transitioned.  As I have mentioned here in Cyrsti's Condo and beat it to death in "Stilettos on Thin Ice" (my book), when you play in the girls sandbox you need their approval to go forth in the world.  Everyone looks at women-especially other women.

I write often here in the Condo about my style which although it has always ran counter to many of the other cross dressers I met along the way is still a definite style.  Similar to the great majority of genetic women.  (The ones who don't where I live are the females.)

So, while I am dazzled anymore about why my posts from three years ago were so into what I was wearing and today are into what I am thinking-I took the time to pause and consider why.

The simplest answer is HRT has helped me to either give the world a highly androgynous view of me or a feminine one.  But, I thought, not so fast-I do routinely out style my genetic female friends (except Liz) and why is that?

The simplest answer to that (for my simple mind) is DUH! the most attractive women in the room are the ones who look like they aren't trying.  It's tough to do that, being genetic, transgender or cross dresser. My example is the woman on the left.  She is an example of my ideal style.  Now, just between us girls, we all know, I'm not getting there in this lifetime.

Instead, I go the next best route and try to incorporate as many of the Boho/Gypsy aspects of her style into mine.  The beaded necklaces alone represent my increased awareness of Native American and earth based spirituality.

Plus, when I go this route, I have a deeper understanding of the Stana's and Mandy's of the world.  I think I have read so much of Femulate I know exactly what would be in Stana's wardrobe and I'm beginning to learn the same insight from some chatting I have done with Mandy Sherman.

Our paths through the sandbox are the same, often the fun part is how we look getting there.  One of the oldest sayings in the cross dresser's handbook was the excuse we dressed in women's clothes only because a mans' was so boring.

All true to be certain,  but if you are not able to "let your girl flags fly", you simply will be missing much of the fun.   As you can imagine from the woman above, back in the day, I really wanted to be one of the girls letting their freak flags fly and I am over joyed the style is coming back!