Be Careful What you Wish For

 Lately here in Cyrsti's Condo, we have been discussing a few of the ramifications of life insurance and to a differing degree, changing your legal gender markers.

Here in Ohio, it was not too difficult or expensive to change my legal name, gender on my driver's license, my name/gender in my Veterans Administration paperwork and my name on my social security card. (not my gender) Also, I still cannot change my birth certificate gender here in Ohio.

It turns out, not being able to change my Social Security gender at the moment turned out to be a good thing after I heard this from Connie:

"When I applied for Social Security and Medicare, I did so in person with the proper documentation with my legal name change. I did not, however, change my gender marker, as I felt it wasn't worth opening that can of worms. I guess I should have been more aware, though, because the person on the other side of the glass partition checked off the Female box for me. It ended up being a pain in the ass to get it changed back when I later had trouble getting Medicare to pay on a doctor bill. Health insurance considers the differences in male and female rates, as well as does life insurance (or did, then). Social Security tried to blame me for the "mistake," even though it would have required a specific application and documentation from me to make that change - which, of course, I did not provide, and they could not have had on file). Maybe I was just passing so well to the woman that day, I don't know. Sometimes, though, there are more important things than passing.

It behooves us to be diligent as we make changes throughout transitioning. In the case of life insurance, we won't be around to clean up any messes that our beneficiaries may be left to endure."

I guess it was obvious to the guy at Social Security that I didn't "pass" or then again, I don't remember if I "outed" myself by telling him I was transgender. It was five years ago now and on some days, I have a difficult time remembering last week. I just remember him saying he could change my name, not my gender. 

Of course too, I am under a different health system with Veteran's Administration health.  Under which if I ever experience problems with being transgender, there is a person/persons to call. 

So once again, there are many steps to consider when you are considering changing your legal gender markers.

Masculinity and Femininity

 I have written extensively here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the terms "woman and man" are socialized terms and are simply an extension of "female and male." Here is another look from Addison J. Smith: (She/They)

"Masculinity and femininity are cultural concepts that change over time. They are something we can relate to but they don’t come from us. We learn these concepts. We see ourselves in others and we learn what it is to be like them. If you see yourself as a man, no matter what body type you have, you will want to learn what it means to be masculine as your culture currently defines it. If you see yourself as a woman, you will want to learn what it means to be feminine. We identify with a gender and learn to be that gender. It happens at such a young age that we don’t even realize we do this. Instead, we believe this learned behavior is something intrinsic to us."

Our identity comes from seeing others and knowing yourself through others. 

My example comes from when I first started to go out in the world and explore it as a transgender woman. Very quickly of course I was rejected by men because I had left the male club with all of it's inherent privilege's. Somehow I became part of a conversation between a couple men and was startled by the way I was treated. I had lost most of my intelligence it seemed. On the other hand I was accepted more or less by the cis women I encountered. Perhaps it was because I was reflecting their femininity back at them. I know it might be a difficult idea to consider and as a matter of fact, I didn't think much about it until I read Addison's post. Much of it was written about reflection between your perceived and actual gender. 

To this day, since I have not attempted any bottom surgeries at all, my actual biological gender is still male but my perceived gender is female. Obviously it took me years to come to this knowledge. I actually survived well in the male world and played the game as best as I could. I guess you could say I reflected well. 

I did it until it was impossible to do anymore. The gender stress was killing me literally. I drank myself to the point of suicide. 

It was about this time too, I learned the feminine image in the mirror meant nothing unless I could project it in a quality manner to the only gender which really mattered to me...women. 

Finally I will conclude this post with another Addison quote: 

"I don’t have a problem with masculinity (except the toxic kind), I’m simply not masculine. Masculinity is great for people who are masculine. Be masculine, have fun, just don’t be a jerk. I can’t say that I’m really drawn to be feminine in the popular sense, but if you know you’re feminine, go for it."

Transgender Socialized

 There is a collection of LGBTQ posts called "Medium" which I have recently been exposed to. Since after a few visits, it becomes a paid site, I was too strapped financially to explore it further. However, through another person's blog I follow, I was able to explore another post concerning being socialized as transgender from Theresa Jean Tanenbaum.

Following my decades long attempt to fit into a male world (and failing), I have given too much thought to the fitting in process, or the lack of. I never really considered the process as being socialized as such. Until I read Theresa's post.

Here is part of it:

"I’ve been a girl my whole life, but I didn’t always know it. As a result, many of my childhood experiences were defined by cognitive dissonance. Growing up as a trans girl is like being gaslit by the whole world and still finding the strength and confidence to say “No! THIS is who I am!” After all, no other girls are subjected to the same degree of toxic masculinity as trans girls. No other girls are forced into boys locker rooms, or men’s restrooms, or all-male prep schools. No other girls are told to “man up!” or “don’t be a sissy”. No other girls are asked to prove they are girls again and again, by people who can’t themselves clearly explain what standard of proof they require, short of direct inspection of their genitals.

Trans girls are sent into male spaces, like canaries in coal mines, often not knowing why we don’t fit it. Not knowing why we are uncomfortable. When we express discomfort with the bullying we frequently experience at the hands of boys, we’re told that “that’s just how boys are” so we’d better get used to it. My failure to properly participate in male tribal behaviors made me a target for male aggression throughout my childhood. Boys who had been taught to “never hit a girl” had no problem starting a fight with someone they perceived as a boy, who acted, talked, and responded like a girl.

For my entire childhood I thought that it was normal to feel sick and nervous around other kids. 

To feel like the other kids were following some script that I couldn’t read. Fearing that if I got a line wrong they’d turn on me. Interacting with boys always made me feel like a rabbit sneaking through a den of lions….one misstep and I’d be devoured. Boys radiated danger to me. "

There is more and you can read it here.

A Different Potty Break?

As I read the beginning of this post, I have to admit I was totally taken aback from the direction it took. Here is an excerpt:

"I'm 5 foot 3 inches tall and under 105 pounds. My red curly hair goes down to the middle of my back. I have long eyelashes (they're natural, I swear) and I am usually wearing some sassy shirt with a sarcastic quip like "In Your Dreams Loser." I'm a size one in girl's jeans. My voice is soft. Anyone who meets me, but doesn't actually know me, would never question my gender. They would assume I'm female. But I'm not. I have a penis.

I'm not transgender, but I don't identify as a man either. To me gender is this limiting and negative social construct I want nothing to do with. I'm just me. I'm more like a woman in some ways and more like a man in others. But because I don't intend to transition or start the process to become a woman, I never question which bathroom I use. I use the men's.

And this is what happens:

A man comes in and sees me washing my hands. He looks as if he has been slapped. He backs up and looks at the door to make sure he's in the right place."

Now, before you want to jump to conclusions on "passing privilege" and the like, go here and read the rest of the post.

Shopping with the Stars

First off, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
Hopefully you have friends and family you can share thanks with. Please take it from me - never take it for granted. Of course there are the usual football games on Thanksgiving Day but the real competition begins the next day. Black Friday!
It's the biggest shopping day of the year and is primarily associated with the feminine part of the population. To many women, it's a rite of passage and a prime opportunity to bond with their "sisters" without male intervention.

While I haven't (yet) experienced the group estrogen shopping binge, I have explored the waters of Black Friday on my own. Like anything else in the transgender culture it wasn't easy.

I worked my way up to the super shopping day in my formative cross dressing years. Quickly, shopping became a wonderful combination of discovery and interaction for me with the world. I learned most sales clerks were mostly interested in selling me something, giving me tips and some were even intrigued by meeting "a person like me." As time passed I learned to "pass" to and couldn't wait to add Black Friday to my list of achievements. As luck would have it, my work schedule made that very difficult but finally the big day came.

"Reasonably" early, I put on my best jeans, softest sweater and flats to conquer the masses of the shopping world. With my 'toned down' makeup and hair I was fairly sure I wouldn't have many problems. What I didn't understand was not many other shoppers would have noticed anyhow! The malls and stores I went to were so full of women doing their version of competitive shopping, they probably wouldn't have cared if a Martian was shopping with them. As long the Martian woman didn't beat them to a deal.

Didn't buy much that day. Just walked, watched and enjoyed being a girl in the world.
Looking into the future, I'm not so sure I will ever experience (or desire) the estrogen shopping bond with any of my genetic women friends. They aren't really into the shopping binges and I really have an aversion to pushy crowds. But if you have never been to Black Friday as a girl, be sure to put it on your trans bucket list**!

**Bucket List is a list of things you want to do be you "kick the bucket" (die).

Defining "Transgender"

Imagine my surprise when I saw the story about the military gay pride march in San Diego. Sure, there a plenty of gay pride march stories which have absolutely no bearing on my life as a transgender woman. The surprise came when Yahoo News ran a supporting story on new transgender diagnostic terms.
I don't pretend to be any sort of an expert in psychiatric terminology- unlike a person such as Sherri Lynn but this article got my attention.
It seems to me the new diagnostic terms being debated could take the transgender community out from under the mental illness tag we have lived with. (That's was my first stop at the Veteran's Administration.)
Before I pass along a few excerpts from the article, I need to mention the nation's psychiatric establishment is  working to overhaul its diagnostic manual for the first time in almost two decades. This process just doesn't happen very often.
Being labeled mentally deficient is bad enough and that is only the beginning.  Read on:

"The most symbolic change under consideration so far for the manual's fifth edition, known as the DSM-V for short, is a new name for Gender Identity Disorder, the diagnosis now given to adults, adolescents and children with "a strong and persistent cross-gender identification." In the manual's next incarnation, individuals displaying "a marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender" would be diagnosed instead with "Gender Dysphoria," a term that comes from the Greek word for emotional distress.

While the shift may seem purely semantic, switching the emphasis from a disorder that by definition all transgender people possess to a temporary mental state that only some might possess marks real progress, according to Dana Beyer, a retired eye surgeon who helped the Washington Psychiatric Society make recommendations for the chapter on "Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders."

"A right-winger can't go out and say all trans people are mentally ill because if you are not dysphoric, that can't be diagnosed from afar," Beyer said. "It no longer matters what your body looks like, what you want to do to it, all of that is irrelevant as far as the APA goes."

Historically, what is happening does resemble what the gay community went through years ago:

" But while there are parallels, achieving what the APA did for gays four decades ago is more complicated for people who identity as transgender, an umbrella term that encompasses transsexuals, cross-dressers and others whose self-concepts otherwise do not align with the male or female label they were given at birth. Unlike sexual orientation, the accepted protocols for treating many patients expressing profound discomfort with their given gender call for medical intervention."

I have taken you as far as I can on this extremely important and complex subject. For more go here.

One final comment.  A huge debt of gratitude to Dana Beyer and so many other transgender and transsexual men and women who did not go stealth and decided to make a difference!