Trans Girl Passing Privilege

 

Witches Ball Image. Tom on
left.

Passing privilege has been one of my biggest gender paranoia's over the years. Many because I did not begin my journey with any feminine characteristics I could see. Testosterone poisoning had essentially ruined my life when it came to establishing passing privilege. 

As I began to add angles to my body along with unwanted body hair and muscle mass, I began to think ever presenting well as a cross dresser / transgender woman would be impossible. In order to make my gender dream possible, I needed to look around at the other women my age and try to blend my style with theirs. The whole process was difficult and I made many fashion mistakes along the way. Even though I did, I managed to survive in the world as a novice transvestite on my own and move forward. Mainly thanks to brief moments of gender euphoria which always propelled me forward. To do so, I learned how important for me it was to blend in with other women. All I knew was, I enjoyed it immensely when other women would take the time to talk and communicate with me as an equal.

Through it all, I learned that even if I was not the most beautiful woman in the room, many other cis-women were not either. Since women operate on a more layered existence than men, there were many other possibilities to be successful in the world other than just being attractive. In fact, being transgender gave me an extra quality to my existence which many women were drawn to. As I crossed the gender frontier into a new feminine world, ironically I found I had more interest from women than I ever did when I was a man. 

Probably, one of the more profound statements I was ever told was when my transgender friend Racquel told me I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took to mean (again) I was not the best looking woman in the room but went out into the public's eye anyhow. Together, we went to many so called straight venues together and had a great time with very little public push back, Even if I was passing out of sheer willpower, I was doing it successfully. Which was all that mattered. 

It mattered even less, when I was able to expand my small circle of lesbian friends who put the icing on the cake so to speak when it came to passing privilege. We were able to attend several lesbian mixers in Dayton, Ohio at several different venues. Even though I was initially very scared to go, I was quickly put at ease when I found I could blend in with the group in the venue. Sometimes the venue would be gay and sometimes straight which added to the excitement. All I know is one night, I was asked to be a lesbian wing person for my friend who was too shy to approach another woman and ask for her name. I even was able to steal a few kisses on the side one night from another woman I met. Willpower passing was great. 

I don't have enough power to do it but I think "passing" should be changed to "blending". With blending, you have the choice to dress with the other women you are going to be around and you have the choice not to if you like. In my case, I always wanted to do the best I could to enter the world as a transgender woman and blend in with the other women who were going to be around me. On the other hand, I understand also it is a trans woman's privilege to go to the grocery store in her heels and hose to do her shopping. It is all part of the fun of entering the women's world. 

The biggest problem with trans girl passing privilege is the amount of stress and attention put into appearance by the media and the outside world. The competition to look better seems to get stronger with each generation with the internet and social media being the major culprits. When the stress goes up for ordinary women to look better, it follows the pressure to be even better is real for transgender women and their quest to blend in with the public. 

At least now, there are plenty of self help makeup videos to help the novice trans girl along plus several of the big makeup stores offer advice and products too. Many more places than transgender women such I had when I was first coming out. Maybe it all equals out. 

More Transgender Flowers

Due to the state of my life lately, this comment is actually several days old and includes another comment/picture from Connie. Much of it revolves around the concept of "passing" in a feminine world:

"Because of the work I do, I interact with dozens of people every day. It is usually they who start the conversation, as I'm basically there to water beautiful flower baskets, and people want to tell me how lovely those flowers are. I just reply with a feminine-sounding "thank you," but oftentimes I'm asked how I keep them so nice and lush. If I've passed up until this point, that's OK, but attempting to keep my feminine voice during a conversation, and keeping my feminine appearance during a longer face-to-face encounter lower my chances of passing with each tick of the clock (Is that what they mean by "clocked?")

My philosophy on passing is based on passing muster. This may, or may not, include blending in. I pretty much draw attention to myself while working, but it's in a positive way. I realize that there are many people who may size me up before saying anything at all to me, and I'm confident that, for most people, I am passing muster. What I think is the best test of this is that I seem to be approachable. It's a lot different than interacting with sales people or servers, whose jobs are to be nice to the customer - whatever they may think about a trans woman. 

At one of the locations where I work, on the pier amidst cruise ships and smaller harbor tour boats, there are more tourists from all over the world than there are Seattle-ites, so I'm often asked for directions or recommendations on the best places to see or go to eat. I'm sometimes taken aback when a good ole boy from the deep south approaches me with such questions. I mean, he easily could have gone to the visitor center right there, but he chose to come to me. I think I have the longest conversations with these guys, because I want them to know that a trans woman can be just as approachable and engaging as anyone else. Maybe some of them don't even figure out that I am trans, but it doesn't matter. 

Every once in a while, someone will compliment more than just my flowers. I have sometimes been told that I am pretty, too. Women are more likely to be sincere in saying that, but I've heard, "the flowers are almost as pretty as you are" from men more often than I would like (men think they're so clever with their come-on lines). 

Even if nobody spoke directly to me, I could take solace in the mere fact that I hear, all day long, parents say to their toddlers in tow, "See, the lady is watering the flowers!" At least they're calling me a lady, and I'm sure their kids will grow up accepting that I am, as are all trans women."

Thanks for the comment!

Cyrsti's Condo "House Keeping!"

As I wrote in my last post, there are tons of items to get caught up with here in the "Condo"-

First, let's not forget THE Ohio State Buckeyes won the first NCAA National College Football Championship!  Go BUX!!!!

Secondly, I don't know if all you regulars around here know that when she gets out of the rubber room she is confined to, The Fabulous Connie Dee's sarcastic sense of humor is far and beyond the best I have encountered.  A classic feminine- stick the stiletto heel in your back-while she runs as you are laughing. 

This comment was a reference to my radio interview with a teen therapist (who happened to be a Christian) who attends the same church with the Leelah Alcorn family:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEE

Is a trans fly one that dresses up like a butterfly? You could light on the cross in the church, which would make you cross dressing. You'd be all the buzz. No swats, but there could be moth balls involved. Tom (therapist) would surely break out with a "Him"......LOVE IT! I remember looking for cartoons like this in playboy's and trans magazines (all bought by me..lol) when i was younger. or maybe a "refrain", anyway. My mother always told me to be pun-ctual for church - Sorry!

 

Interestingly, Liz and I met another transgender entertainer from the Cincinnati area Saturday night by the name of Debi.

 

When the institution let Connie out again, she came up with this: " I have always thought that it would be fun to have a silk purse in the shape of a sow's ear. That, at least, goes toward attitude and confidence; maybe even friendliness as a conversation piece. Some rely on FFS to overcome physical detriments, but my FFS is a bit different in that it stands for "Fast and Friendly Smile". :-)"

 

I second the emotion about FFS- my greatest transgender "passing priviledge" comes from my smile.

 

And, as Pat added:  An old mentor told me that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. That does not mean all is lost.
Attitude, confidence, friendliness and acceptance of others will overcome physical detriments.

 

Finally, Alicia responded to the classic "cartoon" we posted:  LOVE IT! I remember looking for cartoons like this in playboy's and trans magazines (all bought by me..lol) when I was younger.

 

As always, thanks so much!!!

 

 

: 

In the Passing Lane

"Back in the day", being able to navigate the public as a woman with no problems was called passing, then the transgender PC term became presenting and now Janet Mock cleared the air about both.

We have talked a little about Mock's new book called "Redefining Realness" here in Cyrsti's Condo but since I haven't read it yet, I'm restricted to what I can find on line about it.

Recently, I did find her YouTube video on "passing".  Cutting to the chase, what she says of course is so true. "I'm (Janet) am not passing as anything, I'm just me."  I already know what most of you are thinking. If the rest of us even came close to looking like she does, we wouldn't have to worry about passing any how!

The reason I believe those thoughts are wrong is, sure Janet Mock is gorgeous but regardless, she stepped up and out to speak for the rest of us and said a lot. All of the sudden,  transsexual, transgender or cross dresser,  you  had a person of substance (not going stealth) speaking for you.

On a much smaller level than Janet Mock, I can attest about how much my transgender world opened as soon as I owned up to who I am. Plus, we have had regular contributors to the "Condo" ( Pat)  attest to it too.

Now, let's take a look at Cyrsti's Condo big screen for what Janet Mock had to say on passing:

"Passing" the Eye Test

Those of you Cyrsti's Condo sports fanatics probably have heard the term "passing the eye test" in a negative connotation. An example is a football player who totally "looks" the part and even has the physical skills to be a star. For what reason though, the player never makes it. Compare it to the beautiful cross dresser you know who never quite captures the essence of being a woman!

I had a chance to check my theory last night on New Years Eve,  as my eye test told me an incredible amount of 20 something Cincinnati area women would start 2014 with a cold - or worse.  Very "little black dresses"  and very high heels were the norm on the very chilly streets of Cincinnati. Obviously, coats were optional! OK, I know I sound like someone's Mom and my intention is not to critique the young women last night. I would have loved to have ever looked like them! Proof was the rule of thumb I experienced when my girlfriend and I were trying to hail a taxi : The longest legs in the shortest skirt with the highest heels, gets the first cab. Guess who got the last cab?

Going back to when we left the hotel, Liz and I tried to define my "style".  This was as close as we could come. A "shaggy haired, too much eye makeup, good old girl" partying with my girlfriend on New Years Eve.  Take the hair in the blog profile picture with the makeup in the Google+ picture and that's close. In short, I thought I looked great and  passed my own mental "eye test".  As I have always said "confidence is your greatest fashion accessory."  Mine last night led to a  thoroughly enjoyable evening. We went to a couple places including one of the newer "brew houses" which overlooks the Ohio between the Red's and Bengal's stadia.  If you don't know, Cincinnati has a huge German heritage and it's finally beginning to reclaim it's past as a home to many quality craft brewers.

I'm very much a creature of habit and this was our second year in a row greeting the New Year on the banks of the Ohio in downtown Cincinnati.  This year, I was on a confidence roll other than the looks department. For once,  I didn't let the "rest room" paranoia creep in and ruin much of my evening. I just figured I would use the women's restroom when I needed to and if anyone bitched, I would pee down their leg- not mine.

Looking back, the most interesting experience of the evening came as we were checking into our hotel under my female name.  The clerk was having absolutely no problems with the process until she asked for my drivers license/I.D.  The picture on the license shows a very androgynous me - with my very male name.  She just paused for a second, didn't say anything except "sign here Mam" on the paperwork. I knew I passed the "eye test" and she thought damn that woman is wearing too much eye makeup and has too much hair for a woman her age.

I'm not exactly sure men my age feel the same way!

"Pass" the Makeup Please

If you are not familiar with a site called The Transadvocate,  you should be. They are a top shelf spot featuring transgender issues, features, and discussions. As you may remember, I have mentioned their work several times here in Cyrsti's Condo.

Recently Transadvocate ran a post by Dana Taylor called "On "Passing" As A Woman." She begins by writing:

"Right up front I will tell you that I cringe when I hear passing as a woman in relation to a trans woman. What this really means is passing as a cisgender woman. A real woman, right?"

And a bit later adds:

"They want all women to meet certain stereotypical criteria which includes how you look, smell, walk, talk, etc. We should never tell our sisters that they must meet this criteria to be a woman. Even though you may think you are trying to help this person you may actually be causing damage to them. For instance, there are some trans women who have physical male characteristics that will never allow them to meet the passing criteria. I am one of those women. If I had listened to a lot of advice from trans women on being a woman, I am not sure where I would be today. It is difficult enough to come out and try to be who you are than to have all these other requirements put on you. This can cause some trans women who are not out yet to never come out thinking there is no way they could pass."

I so agree!   I get all sorts of  messages which begin with  saying "I will never pass", I immediately consider one of three things:

1.- If you use the "never" term, you are a success! It will "never" happen.
2.- You are not willing to go through the years of trial and mostly error I have endured with my "linebacker" body to enjoy bits of success. (Did you think I was born with all this "natural beauty?) Kidding!
3.- Most importantly, what are you trying to pass as?

As Dana said above you may fit into a category where indeed you will never "pass" as a genetic woman but is there a problem with "passing" as an attractive transgender woman?

Check out this message I received from a reader the other day:  He said he was afraid to go out and he would need to look exactly like a woman before he did. I told him "good luck with that"! Sure, there are rare guys like the kid on the left who indeed may "pass" in the strictest sense or the British chopper crewman above. The rest of us know our path is beyond tough and has no guarantee of success.

Then, there is the classic example of Stana of Femulate fame. The picture to the right is what she was wearing the day we met for coffee last summer. She is unapologetic about being very tall and in tall heels. I have had comm enters say they are too tall to pass. Obviously Stana doesn't feel that way and she proved it to me as I was able to look over her shoulder at all those men getting lost in all those legs.

The common thread here goes back to what Dana pointed out.
"A woman is a woman who makes her own choices on how she wants to look, dress, smell or anything else that has to do with her own body. If she wants to follow the stereotypical concept of being a woman, she should be free to do so."

She went on to add and I paraphrase, society needs to get the hell over how we want to live and leave us alone - and you know what? We have contributors here in the Condo who are living examples of how society does adjust to us for a change. Pat, Tracy and myself of course.

Let me repeat though "If you tell me you will never "pass", I will certainly take you at face value."

***Go here for the entire Transadvocate post.

Drive Safely While Passing

You all probably know I am one of a huge base of fans of the Femulate web site which has totaled some seven million hits to date.

This coming Thursday, I'm am thrilled I am going to meet Stana who founded and runs Femulate.  She is coming to my part of the world. Yes, I am a groupie!!!!

Recently she commented on a senseless cruel comment she received with as much sarcasm I have seen and I loved it. Here is the reply. To set it up "Hamvention" is held around here and that is why she is coming to the Dayton, Ohio area:

"Comments to Wednesday's post included one that suggested that I not go to Hamvention because "you really don't pass as well as you think you do." My retort is, "How do you know? Have you seen me drive?" To tell the truth, I seldom pass and prefer to stay in the right lane on the highway. I only pass when I absolutely have to. So even if the commenter did see me driving, chances are that he did not see me pass because I seldom do."

In addition to my obvious respect for this reply, it's extra sweet for those of us who deal with haters on the internet who slash others behind the safety of their computers. I wish I had this much reserve and creativity to respond as Stana did.

As far as Cyrsti's Condo goes, all comments pro or con are appreciated. Personal attacks aren't.

Shopping with the Stars

First off, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
Hopefully you have friends and family you can share thanks with. Please take it from me - never take it for granted. Of course there are the usual football games on Thanksgiving Day but the real competition begins the next day. Black Friday!
It's the biggest shopping day of the year and is primarily associated with the feminine part of the population. To many women, it's a rite of passage and a prime opportunity to bond with their "sisters" without male intervention.

While I haven't (yet) experienced the group estrogen shopping binge, I have explored the waters of Black Friday on my own. Like anything else in the transgender culture it wasn't easy.

I worked my way up to the super shopping day in my formative cross dressing years. Quickly, shopping became a wonderful combination of discovery and interaction for me with the world. I learned most sales clerks were mostly interested in selling me something, giving me tips and some were even intrigued by meeting "a person like me." As time passed I learned to "pass" to and couldn't wait to add Black Friday to my list of achievements. As luck would have it, my work schedule made that very difficult but finally the big day came.

"Reasonably" early, I put on my best jeans, softest sweater and flats to conquer the masses of the shopping world. With my 'toned down' makeup and hair I was fairly sure I wouldn't have many problems. What I didn't understand was not many other shoppers would have noticed anyhow! The malls and stores I went to were so full of women doing their version of competitive shopping, they probably wouldn't have cared if a Martian was shopping with them. As long the Martian woman didn't beat them to a deal.

Didn't buy much that day. Just walked, watched and enjoyed being a girl in the world.
Looking into the future, I'm not so sure I will ever experience (or desire) the estrogen shopping bond with any of my genetic women friends. They aren't really into the shopping binges and I really have an aversion to pushy crowds. But if you have never been to Black Friday as a girl, be sure to put it on your trans bucket list**!

**Bucket List is a list of things you want to do be you "kick the bucket" (die).