Thanks

Thanks to all of you who have made comments here in Cyrsti's Condo or perhaps are new visitors to the blog. It means a lot! This includes those of you who comment through Facebook. :)

As far as the weekend went, we had another Cincinnati Witches Ball committee meeting to go to plus the ever exciting weekly trip to the grocery store. Both went without a hitch. I switched up my outfits and wore my paisley soft leggings I love so much with my long red sweater along with boots of course.

As I mentioned in my last post, the two "C"s (Comfort and Confidence) mean so much when combating my gender dysphoria. Again, as I mentioned, I didn't realize how deep my dysphoria ran.  Perhaps it all stems from a few highly unsuccessful  feminine trips in the public eye years ago when I first began to explore a new scary but exciting world. Basically, this was back in the 80's when times were very different.  Most of my problems were self created to be truthful.

Basically, I made the mistake of dressing for men and not women. Specifically, I dressed too trashy and drew too much unneeded attention.  I was stubborn though and figured since I didn't get to go out much, I needed to go all out and get the most bang for the buck. All of it resulted into too many mini skirts and high heeled days.

The only time I was really successful was when I dressed professionally and happened to blend with other cis women dressed the same way.

Which leads me full circle to the night I went out to purposely be a woman and blend in with other women getting off work from a local upscale mall. I was scared to death as I made my way to the upscale bar and ordered a cocktail. The first lesson I learned was, I lived. The second lesson was (after I relaxed) was I lived and actually felt very good doing it. The problem was I felt so good I knew I would experience more problems going back to my male life.

Little did I know, years later I would still be experiencing much of the same feelings.

Enough of me though. Thanks again to all of you for visiting! 

Halloween Dreams

It amazes me after all these years I can still have so many vivid memories of my early Halloween experiences.

One of the earliest goes back to the 1980's when I lived near Yonkers, New York. I was working for a Wendy's franchisee then and one of my assistant managers invited me to a Halloween get together she was having. I saw it as the perfect opportunity to get out and live as a woman for a short period of time...if I could figure out how to do it.

Since my wife wasn't really into Halloween and knew why I was, it was fairly easy to convince her not to go. Plus, she was always against what she thought were my sleezy costumes. With her out of the way, I was free to costume myself anyway I pleased.

I picked out a short mini dress, heels and one of my fave wigs for the evening. If you remember, big hair was "in" in the 80's, so I fit right in. After freshly shaving my legs, applying my makeup, panty hose and getting dressed, it was time to go.

What I wasn't prepared for was how well I was going to fit right in.

It turned out, the Halloween "party" she invited me to was actually a group of her girl friends who all were going to one of their local taverns to party. I was in heaven when I saw all these women dressed almost like I was. Initially they were in shock when they saw me and looked me over head to toe until my friend told them who I was. Then I was accepted.

The tavern was within walking distance of her house, so here we were all in our heels clicking along as we walked to the party. Again, I blended right in and felt great.

Once we arrived at the tavern, we proceeded to order drinks and the other women got up to dance. Unfortunately I have exactly no rhythm and kept my seat. Inwardly though, I was savoring every moment and even got asked to dance. Again, I politely declined.

All too quickly the evening had to end and I had to head back to my routine existence. However, the word spread through out my store how I had dressed for Halloween. Nothing much happened as I just said I always wanted to do it. Resulting in a few "yeah right" smiles.

Little did I know how long the memories of the evening would linger. It showed me how it would be to interact with women on their own level. If only for one evening. 

To Be or Not to Be

Recently here in Cyrsti's Condo, we featured two young transgender women who decided to come out and be LGBTQ activists...if even it's because they came out at all.  One was Teddy Quinlivan. Along the way, Connie wanted to clarify a comment she made:

"I didn't write what I did because I disagreed with Ms. Quinilivan's decision to come out as she did. In this age of cyber-information, though, it's likely that someone else would have exposed her gender status eventually. My point was that much of what made it possible for her to even have that option was by those of us who had gone before her. Whether it was more difficult for us (baby boomers) than it was for her could be debated, but I was more interested in the evolution and history of it all. We, who are the old-timers now, also owe much to those who had gone before us.

For many women, cis or trans, fashion models represent the unrealistic, if not impossible. I agree with Paula that it is about so much more than clothes and looks, but, unfortunately, there are so many who develop feelings of inferiority - and even hopelessness - when they compare themselves to these models. We trans women often talk about how passing is not really important, but I think most of us would like to be able to do so. If I could, I believe I would do everything I could to keep my trans status a secret. As a child, I fantasized about moving away to a place where nobody knew me and live as a woman. By the time I got close enough to my eighteenth birthday, though, testosterone had done so much damage to my body that my dream seemed to be forever quashed. Had I thought that I needed to look as good as a model, however, I never would have considered it in the first place.

Anyway, those of us who are trans and not models (although I want to be a contestant on a new show, "America's Next (Muffin) Top Model," can still have an impact. Just being out in the world and living regular lives can make a big difference. I think it's pretty obvious to most everybody I meet that I'm a trans woman, so I never bring up the subject. If someone else does, I do my best to educate them, but I always make it clear that I consider myself to be a woman, and trans is but one adjective of many others I wish to be used in reference to me. How about: loving, caring, friendly, good, or even bitchy (sometimes)?"


I agree. Unless you happen to be totally passable, you definitely are on the front lines of transgender acceptance/education. If you like it or not.  It's one of the reasons I respect those who come out despite having a ton of passing privilege .

Cosmo Girl?

As I have mentioned previously here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have become a regular reader of "Cosmopolitan Magazine." Of all places, I started to read it in my waiting rooms at the Veteran's Administration. I started out as a skeptic, wondering what in the world I have in common with all these impossibly skinny and beautiful young women...but not all as you can see in the picture.

Along the way though, I found all these wonderful articles on what women feel, mostly about the world of men. I even found an article celebrating the virtues of dating a transgender man!

Every now and then too, I read a reaffirming article on makeup. For example, I found out I was applying my blush the correct way. Over a fresh coat of foundation.  I never felt there was any other way all these years. Even though I don't consider myself anywhere close to the cutting edge in makeup application, I seem to find an idea or two in every issue.

FYI...a whole years subscription to Cosmo costs me less than fourteen dollars.

A small price to pay to give me yet another look at what I have missed in the world of cis-women.

I need all the help I can get!

Acceptance?

Here in Cyrsti's Condo recently I have been discussing the cis-woman who can't seem to leave me alone and while she is doing it, has been leaving me snarky comments about my hair,

Most certainly, we all experience different levels of acceptance from cis-women. After all, we have taken the time and effort to enter their world.

As I so often do, I will let you read Connie's opinion on the whole situation:

Connie

"As much as we'd like to be considered part of the club, the amount of acceptance by other women will always vary. Beyond that, their motives are not necessarily the same, either. Some women may be accepting because it's the PC thing to do. Others, seeing a trans woman, seem to want to change us (possibly, just as they want to change a man). Whereas these "changers" would not think of doing so with another cis woman, a trans woman could be seen as needing some help - and these women believe that they are the ones who can give it. Some do so with some tact, while others are just plain blunt. Then, there are some women who are more subversive and catty in letting one know what they think about her appearance (these women probably don't care if you're trans or not; they are just bitches).

I think that I stopped socializing with the oft-mentioned local cross dresser group, mostly because of their requirement that we all be totally accepting of each other. Nobody would dare suggest to someone that they do something that might improve their presentation. When the officers of the club voted to ban one of the members from joining the others when in public, though, I stopped showing up, myself. I could have been the next one out for being a bitch about it, but I thought it best to just bite my tongue. Soon thereafter, another group of cis women with whom I was associated ousted a member because she had raised objections for my inclusion. I was told that the woman was jealous of me, and she did not like being shown up by my presentation. 

All in all, I would rather suffer the scrutiny of cis women than the condescension of the trans group. Whether or not things are said to my face, though, I know that there are always things said behind my back. How do I know? Because I've heard things about others when they're not around. Welcome to the club!"

As I have often written about, one of my first rude awakenings to dealing with other women, was discovering how complex the layers are within the feminine experience. I learned relatively quickly to look for and/or expect a knife in the back from certain cis-women. 

Acceptance was not always as easy as it seemed. 

Much Needed Vocal Advice!

From Connie:

Although I really despise the sound of a woman who speaks with a vocal fry, I'm hearing it more and more - even among radio professionals. These women often include a toned-down valley girl kind of phrasing, especially at the end of a phrase or sentence. I have been experimenting with using just a tiny bit of the vocal fry, as it has little to do with the vocal chords' ability to create pitch or tone. It sure does force one to soften the voice because it hurts at a higher volume - unless you want to sound like the late actress, Selma Diamond, who was a chain smoker. 

As a singer, I have always tried to open up and project, even when being gravelly (the trick is to create the gravel in the sinus cavity and not in the throat). By cutting back on the projection, and using a touch of the gravel (or fry) for certain words, I am slowly improving my feminine voice. My pitch will never be high enough to be that of the average woman, but there are cis women who speak in a pitch similar enough to mine. I'm really a baritone who had tried to be a tenor for many years (popular music has few baritones), and my three-octave range moves more toward the low end than the high. Working on a little fry has helped, in that I don't have to think at all about vocal range to use it.

Thanks!!!

Girl's Night Out Part Two

Actually this is part two from the last post I wrote about an evening I spent years ago out with two much younger cis women socializing.  Fast forward to about three years ago, when I was invited to a birthday dinner with my partner and her friends. Looking back on it, that night was my first real girls night out of substance and it meant a lot to me.
Primarily I wanted to see what really went on on yet another "mystical" things women do that men aren't invited to or don't really want to be anyhow. 
Of course the vibe was different. Without any men present, probably everyone was freed to speak more openly about relationships, family etc. 
So I guess (not unlike my first post) I was fairly quiet again-as I learned what I was missing and did I fit.
Above all I did feel as if I fit and should have been playing in the "girl's sandbox" my entire life.
Definitely, " Girls NIght Out" part two represented another high point to my mtf gender transition at that time!

Girl Interrupted

More great news yesterday! My estrogen was found not to be the basis of my liver problems this summer...and I am allowed to resume my dosage ASAP. 

Estrogen is like a snowflake, for the most part  the hormone effects each trans person different. 

Yes there is the breast development-which is tied in with your feminine family genetics and normally never up to the expectations of the person on HRT. (Many cis women aren't satisfied with their breasts, so we are in good company.)

Yes there is the emotional aspect-which I think is the biggest part. You do get "weepy"and experience "hot flashes" -which are different animals unto themselves. As close as I can come explaining one is during my first one, I thought I was internally combusting!

The part of Estrogen effects (so far) I have never been able to explain to anyone (man or woman) is how my world softened internally. Somehow I was more perceptive to the world around me. Cis men don't experience it and cis women are born with it-so they don't understand. That's OK!

Finally, I look forward to a couple exterior changes. My hair will thicken again and my skin will soften-bringing out curves.

Poor Liz (my partner) she gets to live through another MtF gender puberty of sorts. She wasn't around for my first. She was with me as I started HRT the first time and a form of transgender menopause when I stopped. 

And now, here we go again!!! YAY!!!

Sandbox?

Here in Cyrsti's Condo I used to call transitioning "playing in the girl's sandbox".

All I heard forever it seemed was "welcome to our world" from the cis women who did embrace me. (Bless their hearts-a bunch of embracing!)

Finally, I became just me to them and the world. And last night on Thanksgiving Eve, everything seemed to slow down and come into focus.  Indeed I knew I was going full circle into becoming the person I was born to be. 

In more of a traditional way, Liz and I went to a small meetup of friends celebrating a full moon. The group focused the power of the moon to heal ones in need-and the world. 

On the way home, Liz and I took the easy way out and shopped for our Thanksgiving dinner with her family on Saturday. I have a bad hip, so I wasn't expecting an easy way of the experience. 

Amazingly, the hip didn't bother me and here I was following Liz around like a puppy dog while she tore through the store, comparing prices/coupons and checking out. No side looks, no smirks no reaction of any kind-from anyone.

I felt great and ready to pass along all the thanks and goodwill I felt to all that I could. Ironically now, it's increasingly difficult to do that because like it or not I'm heading down a stealth path I didn't see coming. Being transgender is becoming less and less relevant to me.

My spot in the sandbox "seems" to be secure.

The Science of Bra's

Think of it-which item of clothing generates more discussion than a bra. Often, the discussion is cute and nostalgic, embarrassing or even fetishistic in nature. Or Not!  For those of us who had/have a history of dating generic girls, there are the terrible memories of trying to slyly "unlock" the mysteries of removing our dates bra's at the drive in theater.  (Imagine what she felt?) Then, there were the wonderful girls who could "effortlessly" take their bras off-under a sweat shirt. 

Of course as time has passed and I have learned the gender grass on the other side is NOT necessarily always greener. Many of the women I know don't speak fondly of the first trips with Mom to pick out a training bra. Plus, there is the pressure to buy the right lingerie set (including a bra) for an intimate date night. (Or the possibility of one.)

Cis Model Lace Bra

And, of course there is more- so much more. If and when you decide to explore HRT and develop your own breasts, then all of a sudden you are slightly embarrassed teen girl looking for her first real bra.



Finally, I know I'm writing to the choir here about the power of the right bra. No pun intended, but the right one can "push" you to heights you never imagined. T-shirt bras can smooth you under a form fitting top or a flirty "peek a boo" lace bra can give you just a touch of class when you need it (not all low like me!)

I could go on and on. For some bra's are a BIG topic and for others (me) not so big. I can only say I have had a whole different idea of what's going on under my external clothing recently. I was more than a little shocked the first time I was told by one of my doctors to take my top off-then my bra. (Yes Mom-my undies were clean!!)

It's not a real surprise that bra's are such a big deal because they hold breasts (real or other wise.) And, we all know the power of the "girls" on both genders. Transgender, cross dresser, cis man or woman- all are influenced by breasts.

Even when I was wearing breast forms exclusively, somehow they defined my femininity.  Big or small, shaped well or not-bra's have a big job to do with all the boobs running around!

"Mocking the Cis World?"

This story and video came from theFrisky which you may recall is the source of the Cyrsti's Condo "Power Scopes" and is very transgender friendly:



Total hero Janet Mock, author of Redefining Realness and a trans advocate, recently sat down for an interview with Fusion’s Alicia Menendez, only this time, she was the one asking the questions. The interview was Menendez’s idea, and stemmed from a desire to show just how ridiculous and invasive the media is with trans people, specifically trans women like Mock.

Go here to watch the video for a real look of what it would be like if a cis woman was asked the same questions Janet Mock (not to mention others of us) go through. I say "us" because I don't know about you, but I can almost depend on a genitalia related question coming at me very soon from casual on line acquaintances.   Of course, I don't have the benefit of presenting as well as Janet Mock does, so my question usually comes from the angle of "do you still have 'it'?"  Actually, I don't. I lost most of my rational thought years ago.

I have also been told to "mellow out", the question is a "natural"  one and most cases an innocent one. However, I will have to remember this interview when and if I encounter a rather "tedious" pain in the rear.

We "Gotz" Mail!

Thanks as always to all of you who sent in your usual wonderful thoughtful comments to the high tech Cyrsti's Condo mail center!

Paula, along with Vicki is one of the girls from the UK who commented on the differing use of Tranny across the pond. She said she always thought first of a transistor radio. I could comment Paula of a kid doing his paper route with a transistor radio rocking the Beatles but that would age me!

Paula also commented on the "Beeb" (the BBC) being a more reliant news and information source due to no reliance on advertisers. Speaking of our own network with very little advertising (PBS), for some unknown reason my quirky mind has become addicted to their opening news sound.  It's aired at a pre butt crack of dawn hour of 6 am and is a shorter version of the "Beeb" channel I get on my satellite provider. My dog has not adjusted to me "beeping" along with the opening sound. I have not adjusted to being up that early for no real reason.

Leanne commented on my "Don't Hate me Post":

"Please do not dwell on those that do not understand you be they cis, trans, or in between (which is probably where I fall). For each person that doesn't want to understand you, there are ten of us that not only want to understand you but most also love you as a sister. As difficult as our journey is, we need to learn to accept the good and ignore the rest."  Thanks Leanne, I really don't dwell on them, that one though caught me by surprise!

On Passing Comments, Vicki for some reason I don't think that is her hair so we can both pull in our claws. I will have to go back and check a few of her other videos! If it is, I may have to find other ways to dislike her in my passive aggressive set of weapons! (Just kidding!)

Again and again thanks to all of you and Mark for your comments!

Needle in a Haystack

Let's face it, there are bunches of lonely people in the world and never more than in the transgender culture. Seemingly, we have a couple of strikes against us in the relationship arena before we ever get started.
Many of us have intense relationships which have been severed or destroyed by coming out as transgender women or men.
Then trans women have the unique tendency to be desired by men who are not so positively referred to as admirers.
What's a trans person to do?

We are at the mercy as any cis person in the dating world and we can meet people on line, in person or from other friends...supposedly. Remember, this is only my experience but I have never heard of one transgender friend hooking another up in a dating situation. I have had some success in meeting two of my friends at a sports venue pub and my serious relationship on line. Additionally, I have met several others I stay in contact with on line.

As with many other of my beliefs, I have a tendency to get push back from many people on my on line contact feelings. Most don't realize how many sites I was on and how many screw balls I filtered through to find the quality circle of friends I'm so happy to have now. I hear, well I tried "_____" site and got a bunch of idiots so now I sit here alone now.

I'm going to quote my gf again on our gay tour guide staring at my chest comment: "well the fun part is you attract all kinds".  And mention a chat I recently had with another trans girl I know. She has a man who wants to ask her out who she already knows to an extent. She believes he is a sweet guy.  Before I could think about it I was spouting the company line about "be careful dear" blah blah blah.
Of course we all should be careful as any woman should but why should my friend be denied a shot at happiness with a guy? The reason she could find happiness is that she is different.

I think the bottom line is with too many of us is that we want to jump ahead and say "well I will start dating when my breasts get a little bigger or my hair gets a little longer" or what ever. In the meantime, life slips away on us again!

Think of it this way too. Bunches of cis women have children to pull them through lonely times we don't most of the time. so I think they have a tendency to be too selective and stay in their little room. On the other side of the ledger we can be very exotic critters (or erotic for some of you) because of who we are.  If you play it right, you could end up ahead of the dating competition and be careful you don't get stuck by that needle in the haystack!