Into One Club and Out of Another

 

In the Women's Club. I am on the bottom row
to the left.

As I transitioned into transgender womanhood, I learned how quickly I could be pushed out of one gender club and make my way into another.

The first club I was quickly rejected from was the good old boys club which I was tired of anyhow. I quickly found many of the gender stereotypes were true. My primary example was and is when I am in a conversation with a man, I seemingly have lost a good portion of my intelligence. In many ways, I was expecting it because of the way I had seen many men around me in my life treat women. I wanted a change in the worst way.

Of course leaving one club and being accepted into another was not going to be the easiest thing I had ever done. As I set my course into the world of women, initially I was met with little resistance except for two key people in my life. Along with my second wife who hated the idea, of course my male self was dead against it also. He was the one who was getting kicked out of the club.

One of the first aspects of being accepted into the woman's club I learned was to look for the hidden knife behind the back trick. All of a sudden I was in the world of passive resistance. Some women did not like the way I looked or acted all the way to resented my presence in the club all together. Rather than tell me to my face, they worked behind my back to drive me away. I came away from the learning experience with many claw marks on my back. I considered it all as a initiation experience into a new exciting world where all I wanted to do was play in the girl's sandbox. What I never counted on was how complex the new world would be. I knew women were much more complex than men but slipping behind the gender curtain and living my dream proved it.

I fought hard to keep my dream from becoming a nightmare. First there was the problem with learning how to dress myself so I could stand a chance of blending in with the other women in the world. Then there was the problem with learning how to go with the flow, or practice moving like a woman and last but not least, there was the problem of learning to communicate with the world in my new club. The more I progressed with all of this, the more I did not want to be forced back into the male club because the pressure was constantly there. Going back meant leaving all the gender struggle behind me and regaining all the male privileges I had lost when I entered transgender womanhood. 

Somehow, I always managed to keep my dream alive and no matter how beneficial going back seemed to me at the time, maintaining my hard earned membership in my new club was more important to me. I had served my time in an unwanted male existence and had no desire to return. So I continued to spend time in my new club as a transgender woman and learn the benefits of living an authentic life. 

I never really missed the benefits of living in the male world.  Then I needed to set out on the complicated process of telling all of those who thought I was still in the male club, I was not and please listen to the reason why. Some people and family I was successful with and some I was not but none of it kept me from trying. My main goal now is to keep my membership in good standing in the transgender woman's club.

Seraching for Me

Image from Selcuk S
On UnSplash.

Ironically, during my life I have spent too much time searching for who the true me was.

Naturally, I am referring to finding the springboard I needed to determine which gender I was. When I was younger, I made the habit of waking up in the morning wondering if I was a boy or a girl. I was very gender fluid for years before I decided which gender direction was the correct one for me. The problem was I needed to put on my gender blinders and attack the world daily as a male. Something I never wanted to do.

It turned out the springboard I needed to find out the me I was looking for was still a long way in coming. I still needed to cross or follow many paths before I found me. More precisely, I had parenthood come into my life as well as many challenges such as military service, marriages and just life in many ways. I was constantly searching for my gender by going out and exploring the world to find out if I could ever achieve my dream of transgender womanhood. The journey was so difficult when I experienced negative feedback From stares and giggles, all the way to people singling me out for pictures, I did it all before I made a better effort to blend in with the rest of the world.

All in all, I found just being me was going to be much more complicated than I ever thought possible. It all started for me in the days when I always thought the grass was always going to be greener for me on the feminine side of the border. I discovered, even though my trip across the border was terrifying at times, on the other hand I felt so good and natural, I knew there could and would be no turning back. No matter how easy it would have been. At times, I was even a bit jealous of men who had never experienced any gender issues and were able to live out their lives enjoying male privileges. It all just was not in the cards for me during my life.

Just me, turned out to be so much more. I am a parent, a grandparent and a spouse to a supporting wife. In other words, I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people who care for me. Plus during my life I have been able to take an in-depth dive into how both main binary genders operate. What really breaks my heart is when one of the bigoted transphobic political commercials comes on with all it's lies. I want to tell the haters that even though I am a transgender woman, I have a life not so different from theirs. I am just busy being me.

Perhaps the problem is, since my life turned out to be more complex than the so-called norm, so people don't want to understand or care. 

By this time in my life, I have learned being just me will have to be good enough. I have worked too long and hard to give it up now. From having a gender fluid lonely youth to finding my true self in trans womanhood, I think I have been fortunate to end up where I am. Plus, I will continue to advocate for all transgender women or trans men such as my transgender grandchild with their whole life ahead. There is so much to do. Maybe I can just be a positive example to another novice transgender person still living firmly in their closet. Who knows? Maybe you can be next to escape and live as your authentic self.

Turning Your Gender Corner

 

Image from the JJ Hart Archives.

As I made my way towards coming out of my closet and living as a transgender woman, I found I had many corners to navigate.

At first the corners were easy to take on but then became progressively more difficult as I moved closer to my impossible dream of escaping my male life. Through out the fifty years I lived as a serious cross dresser, it seemed I spent too much time researching to see if a life as my authentic femininized self was even possible. What was I going to do about a disapproving group of family, friends and bosses. All corners I needed to see around and judge what was next. 

At times, a few of the corners were more frustrating than others. My primary example always is when I spent years thinking my appearance as a woman (trans or not) was the all important driving factor in how I lived. There was so much more to being a woman than just how I looked. Appearance did open or close many doors but it was only the start. Also, as the internet began to have an impact in my life, I started to research more and more about what the new transgender term was all about and how did it define me. Initially, I thought it did because when I went to transgender - cross dresser mixers I did not mix well with the transvestites and leaned towards the transsexuals in the groups. I was somewhere in between and it was evident to me I had many more corners to turn before I discovered where I wanted to be.

Looking back, during that time in my life, I was gender fluid but had no way to express it. 

As I did begin to aggressively pursue my gender path, I needed to put all the labels behind me and try to determine if my dreams were indeed reachable. Right or wrong, I began to slip out of the house when my wife was at work to live an entire whole new existence as a woman. To do so, there were many blind corners I needed to face, Perhaps the biggest one was when other women wanted to strike up a conversation with me. I found they would start innocently enough with a small compliment on a facet of my wardrobe such as ear-rings and move on from there. Fortunately, most of the conversations were innocent enough as most of the women just were curious about what I was doing in their world. After the first shock of having to communicate in a brand new world, I actually turned the corner and began to appreciate the attention I was getting. I never had that amount of attention from women in my male life. The roles were reversed because I was receiving little to no attention from any of the men I met.  

Even though sometimes we follow similar paths as transgender women and trans men, the gender curves and corners are vastly different. We all have spouses or girlfriends who provide various levels of support or push-back. Often the push-back leads to mental health stress all the way to suicide attempts. 

Through therapy, often turning the gender corners you face may be easier. I know in my case, a mixture of going out on my own to start a new life along with therapy to do away with the old one worked for me. 

Now, at my age of seventy-five, I have come to realize the gender corners I will have to face will always be there as I face the possibility of advanced elderly assisted living. It all seems just a part of the problems we face as transgender women and trans men. 

One Gender Size does Not fit All

Image from Grae Phillips 
on Geraldo television show.

 If the truth be known, all the way back when I was a kid struggling to understand what gender I was on any given day, I would have been known as gender fluid. 

Of course, gender fluid was a term which hadn't been invented yet. Anyone who was interested in cross dressing was branded as being a transvestite and even worse labeled as being mentally ill. In the middle of my gender vacuum, even I knew well enough I was not mentally ill just because I wanted to wear makeup and dresses. I hid my desires and hoped for the best, which mostly came when I was left alone to cross dress and admire myself in the full length hallway mirror at home. Most of all, I was trapped and could do nothing about it. Keep in mind, all of this was happening in the information "dark ages" before the internet and social media. The gender underground I was interested in came mainly from the pages of Transvestia Magazine and Virginia Prince. Even I knew the pages of the "National Enquirer" and other predecessors of Faux News who sensationalized cross dressers were not to be trusted.

Then came the barrage of so called reality television talk shows including, Donahue, Springer and Raphael. All of whom seemed to be pushing the theme of cross dressing husbands Except for the impossibly beautiful and talented "Grae Phillips" who put everyone else to shame. All of these shows probably did little or no good for my gender dysphoria except for publicizing the fact there were cross dressers of transvestites of all kinds at all. All I knew was I desperately tried to watch or tape every show I knew was coming up from my "TV Guide". My wife was trying to tape her soaps and I was trying to tape my talk shows and both kept us busy. Even though I still had to watch my shows in private attempting to learn anything I could about the outside world.

I did learn once again. my gender size was unique and did not fit all. In fact, I still felt out of place when I started to attend my first cross dresser - transvestite mixers here in my native Ohio. I discovered there were so many different levels of participation from transsexuals headed for gender surgeries down to the weekend cross dressing hobbyists.  For some reason, I was not part of either group and once again my gender size was not fitting in. The problem was, all of this happened before the transgender terminology was introduced. When it was and I started to have access to my first computer, I was able to research the term which was unknown to me. Suddenly I knew what had been missing my whole life, a gender size which fit me and I set out to discover more about being transgender. For me, it meant being part of a gender description which was somewhere in-between the spaces I had been in previously.

Even though my gender size did not fit all, finally I was able to locate my own niche to thrive in. Life became fulfilling, scary and exciting at the same time. I found out I was fine being who I was all along and it felt so natural. I was home. 

Better Together

Outreach Image from Trans Wellness Fair

Slowly but surely I came to understand I was battling  the two binary genders in my life. Of course the main problem was I was born male into a very male dominated family. My inner feminine soul faced an uphill battle from the very beginning.

The older I became, the bigger the gender split or dysphoria grew within me. The problem became, I did not understand what was happening. All I knew was I cherished my very limited time I had alone so I could explore my feminine self. Back then, all I really knew was I had very separate personalities. Deep down, I didn't know why but some days I could live a male existence. Then on other days, all I wanted to be was a girl or woman.. It was during those days, in many ways my male self became emotionally abusive to myself.  He couldn't come to any sort of acceptance to what was going on.  I suppose these days, I would be described as being gender fluid. 

Through it all, life went on until I began to accept the fact I was gender dysphoric and needed somehow to deal with it.  Initially, my he decided to go down the typical male route of trying to ignore a problem hoping it would go away.  Of course the problem never did go away until I faced it. Also initially, I tried to explain away my love of everything feminine by thinking I was a cross dresser and/or I was just a guy with a different hobby. The entire thought process bought me a little more time but that was it. Deep down I knew I was much more than a cross dresser but I was afraid to accept it .

Fear of transitioning into a transgender world without the aid of any surgeries ruled my life. I tried my best to explore the world as my feminine self which took up most of my spare time. Anything I still did as a guy, I wondered if I could do as a transgender woman. This included the most macho events I was doing such as sporting events, after all, there were more women there, why couldn't I be there also? 

Slowly but surely I came to the point of appreciate the fact I was able to experience both sides of the gender border. I came to the understanding of why women and men don't understand each other on many levels. Basic communication between women became a priority for me. Very quickly, I picked up on the fact women use non verbal communication between each other and employ major uses of passive aggressive behavior rather than the direct approach men use. Many times, it took a good amount of time for the claw marks on my back to go away. 

Learning the basic differences of gender turned out to be very beneficial for me. In addition, I learned how I could still use some of the hard earned male knowledge I brought with me. Initially I lived with the idea, I wanted or could have anything to do with my old male self who was so unwanted. However, not everything thing I did in my life was a waste of time. Even though I was bringing a ton of baggage with me into my male to female gender transition, I still needed to take the time I needed to to live a more beneficial life as a trans woman.

As I was able to actually finally transition and when I did, I was better together when I was able to utilize both of my my male and female selves but it was a huge battle to get there. He won a few battles but she won the war.

The Pain of Gender Transition

Image from UnSplash

When anyone states gender dysphoric individuals or gender fluid folks who seek to live as their authentic selves did it because they  had a choice, I think they are crazy. They obviously don't  know anything  how much pain and suffering goes into our journeys.  Most of us from our earliest days grew up with unapproving parents. It took me until my early twenties to come out to my Mom. Which at that time I was rudely rejected by the offer of psychiatric treatment. At the same time I never came out to my Dad and both of my parents have long since passed on. In fairness to both of them, at that time, there was very little information available on any gender issues. 

Even still, none of that excuses the pain I suffered. I went through days and even weeks wondering currently exactly which gender did I want to be on any given day. Of course the more I researched my mind, the more I knew I wanted to be feminine. I just couldn't find a path to get there. Plus, once I started to find my way, I needed to figure out if it was the correct path and what were the roadblocks going to be in the future. As it turned out, there were plenty.

As I always mention, the thought of losing my male privilege's as well as friends, family and work consumed me. The pain led me to drink too much alcohol as well as developing an active self harm personality. 

As far as my male self went, I fought every feminine encroachment as hard as I could but it seemed the only way I could numb the pain was to give in to my gender desires. No matter how many times I tried to relieve the pressure to be feminine by cross dressing, all was good for approximately three days or so before the urge to present my femininity began to build to a pressure point I could barely maintain. In the meantime my old male self became a disaster to be around. To this day, I don't understand how the significant others in my life stayed around me. On many days I didn't want to be around me. 

As my pain and suffering continued and even increased the tearing of my inner self approached the point of no return. I made it to the point I thought death would be an improvement to the way I was living. A place I found no one should ever be but an overwhelming number of  transgender are. In itself, the threat of suicide should prove to the doubters being transgender is far from being a choice. It is a deep desire and need. 

Sadly the transgender transition path is lined with many obstacles along the way. Once we conquer one roadblock more complex ones crop up. The whole process again proves those following it are in it for the long term and it was never just a choice.   The pain was real.

Neat Little Boxes

These days it seems, everyday a different term or even an alphabet letter comes forward to describe a different facet of the transgender or LGBT community. In fact the latest LGBT acronym has been expanded to LGBTQIA + to include Queer, Intersex and Asexual persons also. Often when I write the original four letters (to me) I feel remiss in leaving out the other groups but for the sake of simplicity, I leave it alone.

Image Courtesy Christine
Jorgensen 

I wonder also why we need such a selection of neat little boxes to identify with. Perhaps it is because we are learning gender has so many different variations to discuss. Again I will throw up my age as an excuse to be mesmerized by the newer facets added to the old school thought that there were just boys and girls growing up. Then we slowly became aware of people such as Christine Jorgensen  was the first to be widely known for undergoing sex change surgery  To put it into perspective Jorgensen changed gender in 1952 when I was three years old. As I grew up, the only vague terms I ever heard or read to describe at all what my gender feelings were transsexual or transvestite. 

The next main person I remember in my gender dysphoric life was Virginia Prince who I started to follow in the 1970's when I subscribed to her "Transvestia Magazine". Some publications give her credit for coining the transgender term but others don't. It doesn't really matter because in the seventies the transgender term became popular anyhow. I viewed it at the time for ideally describing me. I wasn't ready for any life changing gender surgery but on the other hand I knew my cross dressing was more than an innocent hobby. 

It was during this time I progressed into what I called a very serious crossdresser, even to the point of imagining if I could really be a novice transgender woman. I was trying to fit into two of the neat little boxes and I was having a difficult time doing it. My old male self was fighting back as I slid down the slippery slope to living my gender truth. To cloud my judgement too, this was becoming the time more terminology was being added to the system I was identifying with. Terms such as "gender queer" and "gender fluid" became popular subjects in support groups I was attending. "Gender Fluid" I felt could have really gone a long way describing how I felt when I was younger and totally confused. Just when I thought I had the box thing figured out, two of the biggest, most challenging box choices were still to come as I began to seriously pursue a gender transition. 

The biggest of them all came when I made the ill-fated attempt to live a life in both binary genders. To put it very simply, my feet ended up not fitting in either box and the process came close to killing me. The second was when I had to determine my future sexuality as a transgender woman. During my life I had never been remotely attracted sexually to another man so I wondered if I ever could. What happened was after a couple brief flings with men which resulted in no sex, I was able to settle back in with women friends. So I viewed myself as a transgender lesbian which I see more and more of in social media circles.

It took awhile but I finally figured out which of the neat little boxes I fit into. Until someone comes up with another. 

Transgender Dreams

Dream Photo
Courtesy Jessie Hart

 
When I was much younger I used to look forward (then hate) the times I went to sleep and had vivid dreams of being a pretty girl .I awakened depressed when I learned it was just all just a dream. 

These days, curiously, my dreams have changed. Some times I am my feminine self and other times I revert back to my old male self. Neither one of which makes much of a difference to me when I wake up.

Maybe I should just call my dreams "gender fluid" using a more current term. Also maybe I am not being very realistic as far as my subconscious mind is concerned. After all I did live most of my life trying to survive in a male dominated world in a life I never wanted. Perhaps it will take time to establish a backlog of feminine or transgender existence to draw from when I dream. Usually I can experience both genders in one night. When I wake up, I just think Wow! How different was that. 

On rarer occasions, I seem to hit a middle road when I am back to wearing wigs and interacting more with cis women I didn't know. I even had a dream of the night I had to invade the women's room of one our favorite LGBTQ friendly bars we went to, Once I went in there were several evil looking women glaring at me. Once I finished with my business and washed my hands I needed to use the hand dryer. One of the women glared at me again and barely moved from in front of the dryer. Being the alpha bitch I was becoming, I simply reached around her and turned the dryer on and it really messed up her hair. I was amazed how the details of the experience came back to me in a dream.  

Perhaps, as the new life I have chosen to live continues to build experiences, it will be interesting to see if my dreams change more to a feminine side. Since my earlier life was more intense in many ways than my current one, I doubt if will happen. But it will be interesting to see if it does.

Transgender Ally's

Saturday was National Daughters' Day. Along the way here in Cyrsti's Condo, I have not been shy writing about my daughters acceptance of her transgender parent. 

Liz (left) and my daughter. Credit Cyrsti Hart

I was fortunate when not only did my daughter accept me, she wanted to help me. On occasion she tried to go too far. She was going to help me with my wardrobe and appearance. As I recently wrote about, she gifted me an appointment to her decidedly upscale hair salon. As I said before she came with me and added another layer to me being equally excited and terrified. I distinctly remember the second time I went back for a cut and color and suffered the "sticker shock" of being presented a bill for 175 dollars, not including tip. Due to financial considerations, it was my last visit there! Plus, I moved away. 

Of course my most influential dealing with allies came when I started to actually present my feminine self to the world. I made a couple of cis woman friends through my dealings at a local sports bar I went to and met my current partner Liz on an on line dating site. Liz essentially became my most influential ally when she told me to live totally as a transgender woman because she had always seen me as a woman. 

Over the years though, not unlike almost everything else in the transgender world, allies have come under scrutiny. It's become more difficult for potential trans allies to comprehend the intricacies of pronoun usage as an example. Plus just imagine if you were on the outside looking in and trying to understand the always evolving alphabet in the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Then again, what if your child is trying to tell you they are gender fluid? 

Somewhere along the way I think we have lost some of our perspective on what an ally actually is. As in everything else in our world, being an ally evolves too.

In the meantime, I love my daughter Andrea and my partner Liz very much! 
  

Being Gender Fluid

 On occasion I feel as if the term "gender fluid" is a relatively new term. In fact those of us in the more mature age range remember when transvestite was one of the only words we could use to describe ourselves except maybe cross dresser. Then, along the way, the transvestite term was shortened to "tr_nny" which became a gender slur in some parts of the world. 

The reason I bring up the gender fluid term in today's post is I heard it re
cently from an eleven year old person on national television. They said they didn't know what gender they were. I quickly flashed back to my youth and knew I felt the same way. In fact, I have written extensively in the past the number of mornings I woke up not wanting to be a boy anymore. On the other hand when I was successful doing "boy" things I enjoyed it. Definitely gender dysphoria at it's most severe. From a time before gender dysphoria was even a term. Plus, I can't even imagine having such an understanding and supportive set of parents.

As I grew, served my time in college and the Army I prefer to think I "grew" into the transgender term too and out of being gender fluid. Once I experienced being around other so called heterosexual cross dressers, I learned there was a whole other level of individuals who loosely identified as transvestites. These persons were the impossibly feminine visitors to the mixers I went to. They just didn't fit. Somehow they were out of place.

Soon I discovered I felt out of place too. I certainly didn't fit in with the ultra masculine men in a dress crowd and barely tried to hang out with the "A" listers as I called them. I tagged along on the adventures they embarked on after the regular meet ups. I discovered a wonderful world of gay clubs along with the chance to live my life as a feminine being.

All of this decidedly terminated any chance of my gender fluid tendencies but not quite. Even though being feminine felt so natural, going out with friends cross dressed as a man felt good on occasion also. I guess you could say any traces of gender fluidity for me was becoming toxic.    

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and took advantage of several drastic changes in my life. I put my suicide attempts behind me and started hormone replacement therapy. Which once and for all forced my male self into his closet.

It also ended any lingering ideas of being gender fluid. 

How Much Visibility is Good?

 Another "Transgender Day of Visibility" has come and gone. In fact, a few organizations such as Trans Ohio made it a month long look into various aspects of transgender life.  

With all the positive push to let the public know we are here and really aren't all that different from everyone else comes many other issues. 

Of course the main one is how hard we work to assimilate ourselves into the world of cis women as a whole. Once we have accomplished moving around in the feminine world, do we want to give it all up? I imagine most of us dread the Hey! that is a man in a dress syndrome. 

Then there is the security problem we face as trans women. It remains a tragic statistic how many transgender women are attacked and even killed in the world today. If we are not a part of the fortunate few who have natural passing privilege, are we subjecting ourselves to violence?  Conversely, if you are a young and pretty trans girl and don't let your potential boyfriends know of your gender past, again do you open yourself open to violence.

All questions which are not easily answered every year when we come to the Transgender Day of Visibility. 

On the other hand, being visible can be as simple as going out in public as your authentic self. Of course, even that has been curtailed due to the effects of the pandemic. Everything helps! I remember receiving a comment here in Cyrsti's Condo from a reader who occasionally journeyed out to a venue as a woman and was accepted as such.  As I said, pre pandemic of course. 

Recently though, I have been impressed with the young transgender and/or gender fluid folk I have been able to interact with. During the recent visit with the university class and recent transgender - crossdresser meetings I have attended, easily  three fourths of the participants have been in their 20's or 30's. To a person, they have been wonderful ambassadors for our culture. 

The future lies with our youth of course and the Transgender Day of Visibility should be dedicated to all of them. In many ways, a few of us opened a few doors for them and now are along for the ride. 

It's an exciting one. 

Did Gender Fluidity Nearly Kill Me?

 It seems to me the term "gender fluid" has just become popularized by the younger generation of queer women and men everywhere.  My idea was reinforced recently when I attended  a transgender - crossdresser meeting. Several of the participants were 20 to early 30 somethings  Along  the way, they mentioned the idea of being gender fluid.  Or how they wished somedays they could work as a guy and the next as a girl. 

Oldest known picture

At the time, I wondered  if being gender would have worked for me, or was I at all? 

Then I realized I tried being gender fluid and it led me to a suicide attempt. I was trying to live part time in my old male life while at the same time attempting to learn to live as a transgender woman. 

Hormone replacement therapy came along and forced my hand. If I was going to choose a gender, it would have to be the higher maintenance feminine one. When I started HRT, it seemed all too quickly I was growing breasts, my skin was softening and my hair was becoming long enough to tie it back into a pony tail.

At the time, I wasn't planning on the process happening so fast. So, very quickly any thoughts of being gender fluid left my mind. Even though the term itself was probably a decade away from being used at all.

 

As I proceeded on my journey, it was increasingly evident I was home. I had discovered what deep down I always knew...I was born to be a girl/woman. 

In conclusion,  I wish anyone trying to pursue a gender fluid life the best of luck. It nearly killed me.

A Step Forward?

 Recently, I have been reading about and even know a couple people who describe themselves as non binary humans. It's my guess most of them would also be known as gender fluid or even androgynous back in the day. 

Then again, I don't like to become mired in labels. Plus, as Connie has brought up in a few of her comments about how years ago, there were only two recognized genders. Then as the years progressed the transgender term became a reality. I remember the first times I became aware of the idea of a transgender person, the more it made sense to me.

All of the sudden, the impossibly feminine cross dressers I encountered at the very early transvestite mixers I attended made sense. They weren't cross dressers at all but rather, they were transgender. While we are on the topic of labels, a few of them even made the jump to transsexual and went all the way to sex change surgery. As it was known as then. 

Now, I personally have gone way past the idea of operating outside of the gender binary. I am firmly in the transgender camp and have no desire to vary my existence at all back to any aspect of my previous male life. 

On the other hand, I am fascinated by those who aren't and are able to be gender fluid or non binary. Hopefully, all of it represents a step forward for humans everywhere.  

In the meantime, here is the transgender flag. (I think) Because these days, everything changes so quickly in the world of gender.

 

Freedom of Choice?

Two important discussions came up last night in the transgender - cross dresser support group meeting I went to.  One of which involved the age old problem of "civilians" thinking trans people or cross dressers have a choice in choosing their gender lifestyle. Obviously, we don't. We don't wake up one day and think "Gee" this will be a great day to change my gender. Arguably one of the tougher things to do as a human being. Not to mention the havoc the change causes to family, friends and work.

To make matters worse, very few of us are "naturals" and have to go through all kinds of contortions to help our exteriors match what our interiors are feeling. I know I am basically speaking to the choir here in Cyrsti's Condo but if I am not, imagine waking up in the morning not knowing which gender you are.

These days though, we are fortunate to be experiencing the rise of the acceptance of "gender fluid" individuals. people are being accepted for being a curious mixture of the two binary genders, plus at the least, claiming gender fluidity gives questioning trans people a niche to go to while they explore where they are going with their lives.

All in all, times are a changing as we begin to explore all the fascinating facets of life humans can explore.

The second discussion which came up last night (by me) was how we know we are making the correct life choice as we begin our transition. Some end at cross dressing, others go all the way through surgery and physically change their gender. Take me for example. My inner gender compass centered up when I started to live full time as a transgender woman. I don't need to risk my body and have any surgeries.

My message last night seemed to resonate with a new attendee who was just starting down their (my assigned pronouns) gender path. They were questioning when they would know which direction they were headed as a cross dresser or beyond. I simply told them to try to feel what your inner compass was telling you but harder yet try to follow it.

I know it is easier said than done in most cases.

Every Door Should Have One!

In Between Post

As I wrote about previously here in Cyrsti's Condo, I am right in the middle of a very busy week. Yesterday, I had a therapist appointment, one Doctor's appointment and a support group meeting.

All went well and I even was able to negotiate the eighty mile return rush hour trip through two cities which included being stopped for at least ten miles in more stop than go traffic.

Other than that, the only perceived problem I had was my hair. I washed it the day before and didn't bother to brush it out enough before I left. Then, I forgot my brush and had no way to get my waves back under control. Needless to say, I survived.

My therapist appointment went as predicted. We always end up talking more about other things than about me. Which, I guess is a good thing. Fortunately, right now, my demons aren't chasing me as much as they did in the past. The Doctor's appointment had as much to do with it as anything. She prescribes the meds I take to control my bi-polar disorder.

The LGBT support group meeting was interesting as always. A very unique small group of people attended. Including a transgender woman formerly from Alabama who served on a submarine. One trans person of color, a retired ally cis man and a couple gender fluid folks. Really different than the cross dresser - transgender support group meetings I attend here in Cincinnati.

The in between part of this post comes with the fact I am attending my Grand-daughters graduation tonight again up in the Dayton, Ohio area. In order to pull this off with only one car, we had to rent one (car) for the trip.

I think I have a pretty nice outfit picked out with my long black embroidered skirt paired with an embroidered boho style sleeveless top and my fancy black flats. Due to a total lack of decision making with the family groups involved, we are all supposed to meet a couple hours early for tailgate eats before the actual graduation.

Due to my excessive HRT hormones, I probably will do my share of crying :).

Prom Time

I have written before here in Cyrsti's Condo about my three very accepting grand children.  I am so proud of the diversity and acceptance my daughter has instilled in them.

For years my grand daughter has presented as androgynous. However, she took it to a very gender fluid height for this years' senior prom. Her high school, obviously accepts diversity too!

Check out her picture! To my knowledge she hasn't mentioned any preferred pronouns as of yet.

Wow! I'm so proud!!!

What is Visibility?

Since it is our local Cincinnati Transgender Day of Visibility, perhaps it's time to discuss what visibility really means.

Many would consider me to be really visible since I live full time as a trans woman. Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not. When and if I am successful in blending in seamlessly as a woman in society, I am not visible at all. Then, at other times I am in and out of another person's reality so quickly, I am barely visible to them either. Maybe later they think there maybe have been something a little off kilter with their encounter with me. By that time though, I am long gone from their reality.

How about you though? Can you be visible and still be in your closet? Sure you can. Maybe you bide your time and support silently pro LGBTQ political candidates and laws. Who knows when you will need them? Plus, what about the gender fluid kids who are new in the system, they need our help.

Finally, is the church you go to anti gay and transgender or do you still support businesses such as Chick - Fil - A or Hobby Lobby who are actively involved in erasing our very existence.

You see, there is plenty to do to stay visible even though you may not be in the public's eye. 

Sexuality?

I brought up the age old argument between sexuality and everyday life as a trans woman at last night's transgender -cross dresser support group meeting. I only said in passing (no pun intended), one of the bigger things I learned quickly when I came out was how my sexuality didn't really change.

The very few dates I had with men were always a struggle and very quickly I could see no real future ahead with the male gender. On the other hand, I was always attracted to women and enjoyed immensely my new interaction with them. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I ended up socializing with several lesbians. During some of the lesbian mixers I went to, there were several women who were more masculine than I ever was. And looking at the long term, I am still with Liz, who identified as a cis lesbian. Now she believes she is more/was gender fluid.

I must have done pretty well because the moderator didn't have any input and the rest of the fourteen attendee's seemed to being paying attention. One of the most presentable trans women who is a couple years out of her gender realignment surgery even had a good comment on the discussion. Several of the group was busy having a love fest about how accepting cis women are and the transgender woman said all that was true until you find yourself between another cis woman and her man. It took a little while for me to understand with some women, the smiling face could be hiding a knife waiting to go into your back. Like so many other things, learned experiences only happen with time.

Speaking of time, our skin is something which reacts to time and we have been writing about here in Cyrsti's Condo. Yesterday we heard from Paula, today Connie:

"Shaving is a double-edged sword, so to speak. It does dry out the skin, but it also helps to exfoliate. I use an apricot scrub before shaving, as it allows for a closer shave, so I've got the exfoliation thing down. I follow up with a serum that goes deeper into the skin than a moisturizer, but I still use the all-important moisturizer after that. Usually, I will apply a light layer of a pore-reducing cream over the "T-zone." Because of my uneven and rather ruddy complexion, I brush on a foundation of mineral makeup. In order to bring back some color to my face (after having had covered it up with the foundation), I use a mineral blush. Of course, this is all after I've used a good cleanser in the first place.

I've spent a good part of my working life out in the elements, and most of it without sun block. I can only wonder how much better my skin might be today had I used it all my life. If all of the sun block properties of those things I put on my face now could be added up, I'd be using an SPF 60. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, and I can only expect the benefits of the SPF 30 in my moisturizer. Unless I'm out in the direct sunlight in the summer, that's minimal protection. I've found that I can apply a waterproof* sunscreen over the mineral makeup without making a complete mess of it, but it's not too difficult to brush on just a bit over the top of the sunscreen to even things out again.

*Waterproof to a degree, as I hate it when I perspire and the sunscreen drips from my forehead into my eyes".

Thanks for the input!

The Salvation?

I received this comment here in Cyrsti's Condo from Paula Goodwin from "across the pond" in Great Britain:

"I fear that many trans people expect transitioning to solve all of their problems, but it won't, only the gender one!"

I especially think this is relevant to those who go all the way and have gender realignment surgery. I have known some people in my past who ended up being very bitter and disappointed people. Seemingly, they would have been better off pursuing their part time feminine life than living 24/7 as a woman. 

If you remember too, "back in the day" the approved way of approaching being transgender or transsexual was having the operation and disappearing into the woodwork, or becoming the neighbor lady next door. All of a sudden, the round peg was still being pounded into a square hole with little positive result. 

These days, we have more options of course. We are coming to realize the gender fluid spectrum is becoming a real thing. Also, after excessive repetition,the public is slowly coming to realize gender is between the ears and sexuality is between the legs. Plus, there is no such thing as being more transgender than someone else just because of operations. Outwardly, you can appear in the public's eye as little or as as much as you want, even though your mind tells you you're feminine almost all of the time. 

As a sidelight, Stana of Femulate blog fame has a similar personal take on her blog today.

So, society is changing and the person who regularly crosses the gender line at our cross dresser - transgender support group meeting is becoming more in vogue. He/she admittedly is gender fluid and sometimes she comes to the meeting as her male self and sometimes as her feminine side. How great is that?