Ownership, Skeletons and Politics?

 

My daughter's favorite saying used to be something to the fact if you have skeleton's in the closet you better make them dance. Which could describe many politicians in Washington DC.

This post however is not another rant on my part about politics. If you follow me at all you know I am solidly behind the Biden-Harris ticket and believe tRumpt and his cohorts want to erase transgender people everywhere. As well as do away with our democracy. But, as I said, this post is not about politics, it's about my life. 

In my case, I spent most of my life trying to change the inevitable. I was transgender and should just relax and make the best of the situation I found myself in. By cross dressing my life away, the only positive I can come up with is all the practice I put into the art of feminine makeup and fashion. It wasn't until I left the mirror and started exploring the world, did I begin to own it. The whole process turned out to be a blur and actually happened faster than I dreamed it would. In other words, by interacting as a transgender woman in public, I was teaching the skeletons in my closet to dance. 

The dance moves became more and more intense when the public wanted to invade my little private world and know more about me. First of all, when I finally moved from the easy clothing stores in the malls I used to shop at and into food venues where I would stop to eat. Then I found myself needing to communicate with servers and bartenders one on one as I was scared to death. At first I tried to mimic the range and tones of the women I was speaking with until I found I could take advantage of feminine vocal lessons at my local Veterans' Administration hospital. Slowly, I gained enough confidence to get by in the world. I was coming to realize I could not change who I truly was, so I better learn to know her better. When I did, I enjoyed the person she was, My feminine inner soul went way past just trying to look good in the mirror and do a better job with my makeup and fashion. I found I could just let her go and I could set back for a change, watch my skeletons dance and enjoy the show. For the first time in my life I did not have to feel guilty about the person I was becoming.

In addition to having less guilt, I was having the time of my life. For the first time, I was making new friends who had no connection at all with my old male self. My small core group of mainly lesbian women friends taught me more about owning who I was than they ever knew. I was validated as a transgender woman through them mainly because they saw me as me. The freedom was remarkable. 

Perhaps I could say I transitioned to my authentic self  not so much because of my friends but on the other hand, I started to own my life and live it with my friends. I was teaching my skeletons all new dances when I let them out of the closet. As always my old male self was resisting losing his grip and it took my wife Liz to send him away. When we first met, Liz barely knew what was left of my former self and she told me she never saw anything remotely male about me. That was it and from then on I went all out to own who I really was. 

See, I told you this was not going to be a political post, Now if you will excuse me, my skeletons are dancing for the public to see.  

Steps Forward and Back on Our Transgender Day of Visibility

 

Transgender Flag image from 
Alexander Grey on UnSplash.

During this week, we celebrated the "Transgender Day of Visibility." A time to be see and be seen during a time of great duress depending upon where you happen to live. It is also a time to remember and celebrate how those of us who are fortunate enough to have escaped our gender closets. Then were able to carve out a new life. 

In order to do the carving, you must have a sharp knife and be prepared to expect steps forward and steps backwards. In my early days in the public's eye, it seemed I couldn't get my feminine presentation together. It seemed on nights when I had my makeup and fashion together I then tried to ruin it all by slipping and almost falling in my heels or worse yet, just walking like a linebacker in drag. 

Of course I took a couple steps back when I left the comfort of my mirror and encountered the harsh reality of the real world. In many ways you could describe the process as the second act of my life. Of course the first involved working very hard to make it in a male world I never really wanted. Then I needed to work even harder to take the steps to leave it all behind. Even when I was struggling with the world at large by getting stared at, all the way to being the subject of out and out laughter, somehow I found the will to keep trying.

The problem I had was I sure I was trying to achieve the right goal. Could my dream of living a fulltime life as a transgender woman ever be a reality anyhow? Many dark days told me I was spending too much time, energy and even money on an unapproachable goal. The next step forward as I was in the darkness searching kept happening because everytime I saw the light in my closet, it felt it so natural. Deep down something was telling me to keep pursuing my journey.

The problem was, life kept getting in my way. First of all, my male self and my second wife had the idea any femininization I was thinking of would be totally wrong and cost me all chances at the life as I knew it. Even though I was at a disadvantage, I still knew deep down I had the courage to pursue more steps towards the point where I couldn't return. For me it meant beginning gender affirming hormones if I could be medically cleared to do so. I still could not take the big step until my wife passed away and I was cleared to begin. 

As with everything else in my life, hormones did shorten and lighten up the steps I was taking to living a transgender life. For any number of reasons, destiny opened my closet doors wide open. Tragically, when I lost so many friends and family who were dear to me, people I needed to come out to were few and far between. Other factors came into play also such as my age (sixty) which enabled hormones to take effect faster. At the same time, I wasn't too far away from being able to retire early and not have to worry about my finances when I was forced to come out on a job. Another plus came when the Veterans Administration health care system which I took advantage of started to accept transgender veterans like me and help with hormonal care.

As you can tell, destiny was urging me on to take the final step and live my life as a trans woman. Finally, I could take it no longer and took the final step and never look back. Taking the steps makes me proud to be a part of this year's Transgender Day of Visibility.   

Transgender Assimilation

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives...

This morning I went to the Veterans Administration local clinic to have my hearing checked and make an appointment in the future with my primary provider (family doctor). 

When I arrived, both waiting rooms were over half full, so I had no choice but to assimilate myself with the other people after I checked in with the receptionist. Ironically, in the past at this clinic was when I was blatantly mis-gendered by a woman who I don't think is no longer there. Even though I corrected her twice, she managed to call me sir three times. It was so bad, I almost filed an official complaint because the VA at the time was making a serious effort to discover how transgender veterans were being treated. I didn't and she is gone and this morning the receptionist did her job correctly. 

The next big step came when I was called back to the room where the hearing test was being administered. Since the three or four previous people (all men) in the waiting room, when they were called back, a "Mister" was attached to their name. Not to worry. This time, I was referred to by name with no gender marker. From then on the appointment went well. The audiologist was very nice and commented on how long and nice my hair looked. Plus, probably the best part was my hearing had not deteriorated much at all since it was checked two years ago. So for now, hearing aids are out. 

Since I went all out with my new makeup this morning to present my best face to the world, I hoped walking past a full waiting room on the way out would not present any problems. I also decided to wear a rather form fitting outfit consisting of a sweater and leggings. Rather unusual for the normal VA waiting room nearly full of men with very few women. So I was trying my best to not get clocked as anything other than an attractive woman out running her errands

My next in person visit has been scheduled for a week from now and it will be a much more serious deal. I am going to schedule having blood done for my psych meds as well as a possible decrease in my kidney function. Plus, I am having an possible skin issue with a spot on my forehead. Just guessing but they most likely have to have it checked. I suppose the whole deal is just part of being old.

Most of my advanced medical paranoia comes from when and if one of my doctors recommends I decrease my gender meds to help my blood work improve. I need to jump off that bridge when I come to it.

In the meantime, today went well for me as I was able to assimilate myself into the world as a transgender woman. I even was able to experience a little gender euphoria at the coffee shop I stopped at on the way home when I was treated with a big smile from the guy at the counter. Life is good.

As we all know, assimilation is so important for every transgender woman or trans man in todays often challenging political world. Often it takes us many years with our gender dysphoria to gather the confidence to become comfortable in our own gender skins. Undoubtedly a topic for another post.

Live Action Week

 

Alzheimer's LGBTQ Shirt 

For some unknown reason, I have had several scheduled and unscheduled appointments come up this week. One on top of each other. 

One of the scheduled appointments was today when my wife Liz and I had our yearly maintenance taken care of on our fairly new heat pump and hot water tank. Since the equipment is new and the work is already paid for in our contract, we did not expect many worries/.Which is exactly what happened. What I did not expect was the work which showed up without notice in our front yard this morning. It turns out, our internet provider picked today to replace service on our street which is all underground. 

To prepare to face all these expected and unexpected workers in our world this morning, I went ahead and shaved closely last night. The only other thing I was going to do was tie my hair back and try my best to be out of the way the best I could. It worked fairly well, since the two workers who needed to come in the house were courteous and did not mis-gender me one way or another.

Coming up in a couple of days, I will have the opposite happen to me when I need to go to my local Veterans Administration clinic to have my hearing checked. For the visit I plan to try out the new makeup I just purchased and do the best I can to present well as a transgender woman. Since I have had no real problems at the clinic recently, I don't expect any this time either. It will still be interesting since I need to interact closer with a receptionist to make another appointment with my primary provider, which is what the VA calls my family doctor. I have blood work to request for my endocrinologist and another nurse practitioner who monitors my psych medications. It seems like every six months or so everyone wants a shot of my blood to examine so I might as well get a head start on the process. 

Finally, for this month I have another Alzheimer's diversity committee meeting coming up and for the time being, it will be another virtual get together which is much easier for me. As always, I urge you to contact your local chapter if your are having potential or current dementia problems in your family. I have found the Cincinnati/Dayton groups to be very pro-LGBTQ+ friendly in their approach to me. 

I am sure I will have more to add to this post after my upcoming visit to the VA but for now, I hear the equipment working in the front yard so I don't have much faith in the internet staying on.