Mountain of Hope...Mound of Ash

 

Image from JJ Hart

On occasion when I was following my very long path to transgender womanhood, I did experience enough hope to keep moving forward towards my ultimate goal of living a fulltime feminine life. 

Those were the days I was on top of the world and felt good about my life as a whole. Sadly, too many times my dreams were crushed mainly with me making poor gender decisions. Those were the nights I returned home with tears in my eyes following brutal interactions with the public. I was at the least stared at and at the worst laughed at to my face. Since I had only the mirror to blame for lying to me, I needed to find a better way to improve my presentation as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

Really, the only recourse I had was to keep going out hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Very gradually, out of sheer will power, I did become better at my craft and my confidence grew. I was climbing my mountain of hope and staying there. Sadly, my only mound of ash came when I was discovered by my second wife when I was returning home after a night out. Predictably a massive fight would happen, and feelings would be hurt. It wasn't until years later when I finally had the courage to face my gender truth and finally transition. By that time my wife had passed away and it was a moot point. Following her passing, I found I had another mountain to climb. 

My mountain was one of loneliness. For the first time in over twenty-five years, I was by myself with only my two dogs to take care of. No other person to worry about disappointing with all of my gender adventures. It did not take me long to decide which direction to go with my life. My inner feminine soul was screaming to be let out and for once there was nothing to restrain her. She was my woman, and I was her.  With new enthusiasm, I began to climb again. Sure, there were still setbacks and problems with my new life. A primary example was when I tried to date men and was constantly stood up on potential dates. Fortunately, when I began to be accepted by lesbians, I found I did not need a man to be validated as a woman. 

When I climbed my gender mountain, I began to begin too clearly see what was going on around me. As all the clouds and doubt parted and I could see there was only one path for me to pursue. I finally gave up on my male self, gave away all his clothes, started gender affirming hormones and never looked back. 

When I finally freed myself up to be me, I never had felt better. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders which I had carried way too long. Since I am afraid of heights, climbing my gender mountain was never easy but I made it. 

Take Your Pleasure Seriously

 

Ohio River image from the
Jessie Hart archives. 

For a gender dysphoric person, the scale seems to be balanced against experiencing any gender euphoria.

 In my case, destiny allowed just enough gender euphoria for me to continue down my gender journey. As I questioned what I was doing, the "why" of it never really came into question. I just knew deep down I was on a process I could not control. It would control me. Deep down inside, regardless of any doubts I may have had dissolved when I felt so natural when I was dressed as a girl. In other words, I was home when I was away from my unwanted heavy male self. 

Still I persisted and tried to find my way in the male universe, I was taking my pleasure seriously when I was dressed head to toe as a woman. I found following one dream (feminine) didn't mean giving up on the other (masculine.) I often wonder, if there was any help available to me back in the pre-internet dark ages would I have had the courage to seek it out. One problem was back in those days we who existed with gender issues were still considered to be mentally ill. Which I knew I wasn't.

The gender unrest I lived through and with was to continue until much later in life. Nearly a half a century to be exact, I gave up any hope of ever returning to a male life and never looked back. Riding a wave of gender euphoria was something I had never experienced before. Living as my authentic self was amazing and even though my male self was still fighting to be recognized. He was to be denied and my life went full circle back to the earliest days of wondering what gender I really was.

By going full circle, I had a lot of ground to cover. In many ways, the world caught up with me. I was able to follow the progression of a term which would describe me and in a very small way enabled me to be a part of a transgender community. Along the way many things changed. Primarily in the terminology which began with what was transgender anyhow and went all the way to the LGBT label which has grown these days to include other letters which includes other communities. Including gender fluid people which on occasion, described how I perceived myself all those years ago. 

During my full circle journey, I learned to take my pleasure seriously. Different than most transgender women and one I don't necessarily recommend, I learned the so called "ropes" of being a single woman (trans or not) in alcohol serving venues. All of the sudden, I found myself in situations where I was the single woman. The positive side of taking my pleasure seriously was when I discovered a small community I could thrive in. The negative side came when I was approached by intoxicated men not in control of themselves. Early on, when I needed some sort of protection, I used my cell phone. Making a big show of acting as if I was talking to another person on the phone who was coming to join me and fill the empty seat beside me. Of course after I gained my small group of lesbian friends, I was nearly completely insulated from the world of men. Also my ideas of sexuality were determined for good. I had way more interaction with women than I ever had as a guy.

Along the way, my new found gender euphoria as I learned to live as a transgender woman began to put my unwanted male life behind me, I had managed to live through the down points in my life and come full circle into a new day. I don't know if the ups have ever equaled the downs but at the least I was never bored.  

Lesbian Bars

Image from the
Jessie Hart 
Archives.

When I was first exploring the world as a novice transgender woman, one of the first big discoveries I made was the male gay bar scene was not for me. 

I initially thought going to a gay bar was a safe place to be. I found I was safe, to the point of not being threatened but on the other hand I did not anticipate being ignored to the point of being discriminated against. Since I knew the odds of anyone hitting on me would be very low, again I was lonely all the way to the point of being ignored at the bar when I tried to order a drink.  Also, I disliked being treated like a drag queen on nights when there was a show. Within a short period of time, I grew tired of the experience and looked for other outlets to explore.  

About that time, I became aware of several new lesbian bars which had opened around the Dayton, Ohio area and wondered how my acceptance would be at them. Since my sexuality had never changed from liking women, I felt more comfortable in their company and wanted to see if they accepted me at all. Not to be "picked up" so to speak but to be treated on a friendly basis. Initially, I knew of three lesbian bars of which I tried to go to two. 

The first one I tried did not accept me at all. It was a very butch dominated bar where I got in trouble for playing Shania Twains "Man, I feel Like a Woman." The lesbians huddled around the small bar did not see the humor in my choice of music. Even though I wasn't welcome, I still persisted on going back just because I was so stubborn. On the other hand the second lesbian bar I went to was a completely different experience. They were friendly to me and I felt relaxed and welcome. Plus I was surprised when I discovered my male self actually knew one of the bartenders. Her and her wife were regulars at my restaurant. 

As it turned out, I had many exciting experiences there starting with how I presented myself.  Quickly I assumed the role of a "lipstick lesbian" in my boots, tight padded jeans and blond shoulder length wig. One night I presented so well, a "super butch' (very masculine) woman approached me to sing karaoke with her. She would not take no for an answer so I joined her along with her cowboy hat for a terrible duet. Since I am a terrible singer. When I finished, my singing partner said she was surprised my voice was deeper than hers as I began to plot my escape. While she took off to the restroom, I took off to pay my bar tab and left and I never saw her again. I know my friend behind the bar got a kick out of my whole experience. 

One night I am still sad I missed was when the bar scheduled a few exotic dancers to come in and entertain. The small venue was packed as everyone eagerly awaited the show and one of the other patrons actually bought me a beer and said she ought to take me home with her. Even though I was flattered, at that time I still had a wife to go home to and time was running short. I could not stay until the exotic dancers made it, so at the least I saved the tip money I was going to use. It was to be the only time in my life I would get the chance to experience how a group of women act around dancers.  

I was saddened when the bar closed and I had fewer venues to go to but it was a time of great discovery for me anyhow. My new small circle of cis-women friends were lesbians. The fun started when I began to receive invites to come along to monthly lesbian only mixers at different Dayton, Ohio venues. Some were straight while others were gay which made going even more exciting. One night, one of my friends even asked me to approach another person at the mixer for her to see if she was with someone else which marked the first and last time I was ever a "wing person" for another woman. 

Probably, the biggest lesson I learned about the lesbian community was the different layers of people from "Baby Dykes" to "Lipstick Lesbians" all the way to "Butches and Super Butches." I found for the most part I fit in except for one night at a woman's Valentines' Dance years ago when a bigoted TERF attacked me about being at the dance at all. At the time, my future wife Liz was part of a Cincinnati lesbian social group which I tried to join also. When I was turned down, Liz left the group. 

As you can tell, I owe quite a bit to lesbians and their bars which sadly have disappeared in many areas. I know of two still left in my local Cincinnati area but there could be more I have not heard of since we don't get out much anymore. I just know the venues I went to in place of gay bars were a welcome relief to my acceptance as a transgender woman. When I combined them with all the straight venues I had become an accepted regular in, my new life was off to a good start. 

International Womens Day

 

Image from Joeyy Lee on UnSplash

As International Women's Day rolls around again, it is always worth mentioning how transgender women fit in the the group of women at large.

Of course, there is a group of "TERF's" or transphobic cis-gender women, who feel we trans women should be outright excluded from any sisterhood. Shame on them for their narrow minded ideas. It has always seemed to me, the more the merrier in how the feminine population is perceived and should be important to all women. Especially now with all the attacks on women's reproductive rights by Republican politicians across the country. Bottom line is diversity in how women hood is achieved should be celebrated not restricted. 

Which brings me to one of my favorite points concerning womanhood and how it is earned not just given at birth. Even though many women are born female, it doesn't mean they necessarily ever go through the process of becoming women and the same can be certainly said for men. As a transgender woman, I feel I have had to follow a gender path which has led me to my own particular brand of womanhood. So I should be included as much as the next person in "Women's Day." One day in the past I was when I was chosen to participate in a photo shoot celebrating the diversity in all women, not just the classical beautiful ones. Even though the album wasn't chosen to advance to a competition  in Chicago, I was thrilled to be a part. But that wasn't all.  

In my journey, I have been fortunate to have experienced many more positive feminine role models than negative ones who aided me in my journey. Many were lesbians who brought their own brand of being women with them since primarily showing me I didn't need a man to be validated in the world. I could stand alone and make it. On the other hand, I had other women around me who built their lives around children and family and I learned from them also how to further cherish what I had with my marriage to Liz and relationship with my daughter and her grandkids. Especially when my oldest grandchild decided to carve out a non-binary gender path of their own. All of a sudden, I was a role model on how to be brave enough to pursue a life outside the normal gender boundaries. Primarily since I never pursued any gender realignment surgeries, I still deep down knew who I was and needed to make changes  to live my truth.

Also, I don't understand why most all women don't accept trans women on "Women's Day" or any other day to speak of. After all. we have spent time on the other side of the gender fence and decided we did not or could not live there. I have discovered though many more women than men have embraced my change. Men especially are very fragile in their sexuality and have a tendency to ignore me while women are just the opposite.   

If you are still working your way out of your closet into the world and are wondering how you fit into "Women's Day", rest assured you are in the learning process and the day is for you too. When you look at all the young women being educated and starting their own businesses, the future is certainly female and we are certainly in the right group. 

Emergence

Image from Alfred Schrock 
on UnSplash 

During our long and twisted gender journeys we have points of emergence. 

I always prefer to explain to others I experienced more than one transition. I feel as if the first portion of my life as a cross dresser in the mirror was one part of my life and coming out as transgender was another. The whole process took me years too long to discover. Much too long observing transsexuals around me to see if I wanted to or even go the route they were headed. Ultimately I decided I did not want to undergo sex change surgery as it was known back in those days. Also expected or recommended was you needed to move away and assume an entire new life. I was selfish and never wanted to totally give up my past I worked so hard to obtain. Plus, I didn't have the life background a couple of my acquaintances had who had gone the gender distance by having surgery.

One of the people I knew was a soon to retire fireman with a good pension to fall back on and the other was an accomplished electrical engineer who would not have a difficult time maintaining a job. Not to mention, both were drop dead gorgeous. At the time, I was far from retirement in an industry which would have been nearly impossible to transition in. Also, I was very insecure about my feminine appearance. Even with all of those factors going against me, I still was intrigued by the possibilities my gender future presented to me. All I really knew was I needed to discover how my path would open a new world of emergence for me.

My potential emergence as a transgender woman was an exciting time for me. Discoveries were like no other I had ever experienced in my life. Directly and indirectly, I was exploring everything from my new feminine life to what would become of my sexuality. At the same time, I needed to consider a wife I loved very much who was dead set against me going any farther in my quest to be a transgender woman but never had any problems with my cross dressing tendencies. It was as if she never liked or even tolerated my inner woman. It was difficult for me to learn my new gender ropes when she was against me but I did. 

Along the way, diverse parties and mixers assisted me in my emergence. By doing so, I was able to test out how well my possible new world was working. I even had the rare time, my wife didn't come along to keep track of what I was doing. Needless to say, the times she wasn't with me led my times to be more productive. Primarily, I discovered negative interactions with a few men, all the way to positive interactions with lesbians I met. All lessons which turned out to be very important in my emergence as an out transgender woman. Ultimately, I decided against the surgeries but completely wanted the lifestyle. After all, my gender was between my ears and not between my legs.

Overall, my gender emergence was never easy but all worth it in the short and long term. In essence, an entire new set of life lessons. 

Macho Remembered

Image from the Jessie Hart Archives

 I don't think I ever considered myself as a macho guy but then again, there were times I needed to be. 

Those were the times on the football field, in the Army
or when I was at work when my macho image worked to my advantage. Mainly because I needed it to. In fact, on occasion, I came to rely upon it to do better in life. On other occasions, my main macho props were cigars and beer. 

Interestingly, when I transitioned, I discovered a new side of macho. Very early on when I was coming out as a novice transgender woman, I shied away from any contact with a man I felt was macho. I thought he would recoil at any interaction with me. Slowly but surely, I learned none of it  rarely ever happened. For the most part the majority of all men tended to ignore me  anyhow and the pressure to succeed went away. 

The biggest example I can recall is the time I developed a friendship with a big bear of a guy at one of the venue's where I was a regular. He was part of a small group of diverse people I met on a weekly basis. While I was part of the group, the guy also fell victim to an ill-fated marriage to another member of the group, a long dark haired beauty who also was a hair dresser as well as part time exotic dancer. As you most likely can imagine the marriage just wouldn't work. What happened was, the remainder of the group basically shunned him. All except me. I gave him a shoulder to lean on. What I neglected to mention was the guy owned a classic motorcycle. Even though I was never really a fan of motorcycles, I could appreciate the inherent beauty of the machine and I could pass along my ideas to him.

It wasn't long before he came into the venue and ended up setting next to me to talk. He was the first macho guy I became comfortable with but sadly he moved on too soon when he transferred to another lumber yard in a neighboring town. I never had the chance to hitch a ride on the back of his classic bike. From him I learned confidence in my dealings with all men. Including the first time I was asked out to dinner from a transgender man. 

Which leads me to yet another different attraction I always felt when I was with a group of lesbians. If you don't know, lesbians range all the way from lipstick women to super butch lesbians. For whatever reason, I never had any problem attracting to and relating to the super butch spectrums of lesbian women. I have never been shy writing about the time the super butch cornered me and strongly suggested I sing karaoke with her. I very poorly did it and took off before she had any other chances to talk to me. 

Oddly, my interactions with macho guys also extended into the male gay community. When Liz and I went to Mardi Gras several years ago we ended up in a gay bar heavily frequented by "bears" or macho bearded large men. There, as well as several Prides we went to, I had "Bears" smile and speak to me. 

Perhaps it all has to do with the aura I project. I lived such a long portion of my life attempting to survive in a male world, I still have an in-depth knowledge of the culture. Which doesn't explain the paranoia I always felt when dealing with men. Perhaps I will never lose my fear. 

Finally, what I also learned was many men who project as macho really aren't in the toxic sense and they are more secure in their masculinity. Which makes them safer for all women... Cis-gender and transgender. We need more non toxic men.

Gender Countdown

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

My journey to living my dream as a transgender woman admittedly took a long time. 

Too long to many who blame me for waiting so long and tried to say I was somehow less transgender than they were. Which of course, I immediately dismissed. After all after I had spent nearly a half a century to achieve my goals, who were they to question me anyhow. Also, they dismissed me since I turned my back on any possible gender altering surgeries. My reasons included not wanting to undertake any serious surgeries at my age. I was in my early sixties when I decided to undergo HRT which I still call "Hormone Replacement Therapy.' Since I understand has been relabeled in some circles. It's interesting in that the topic this week of my Veteran's Administration group session this week included two full pages on just transgender related labels from over the years.

Then, there was always the matter of trying to properly present  my feminine gender in a brave new world. Along the way, a trans woman friend of mine told me I passed out of sheer willpower. Which I took to mean, I was going out in the world doing the best I could and I would learn as I went along. Similar to on the job training. As I continued my on the job gender training, I learned the hard way, the more I learned the more I needed to learn.

I was fortunate in that my entire life I made observing women a priority. By doing so, I had a head start when it came to surviving in a new world. Even though I had made major strides, I found I could not learn enough to overcome all of the obstacles I would face. The main one was to be worried about my own personal safety. Looking back, it was the main male privilege I lost when I transitioned. There were many more but none where I had my safety questioned several times by stray men. 

For some reason, destiny led me into the company of lesbians when I was included into a small circle of friends I socialized with. With them, I learned to be an observer more than an active participant until I began to gather my confidence. From there I learned also how women don't need a man for verification. It was during this period of my life my gender countdown really became faster. I began to make up for lost time. 

Perhaps the final and biggest push to my countdown came when my future wife Liz told me I should complete my MtF gender transition. She told me at the time she had never seen anything male about me at all. Finally the doors were opening for me to live my transgender dream. To celebrate, Liz was with me the night I took the first minimal HRT dosage. 

The only regret I have on my countdown, is I put myself through so much torment before I completed it. (To my specifications.) I could have saved myself another suicide attempt as well as other unpleasant possibilities My gender countdown would have come to an unpleasant end. .

Lessons Learned

"Club" Photo Courtesy Cyrsti Hart 

Years ago there used to be a venue in Dayton, Ohio called "Celebrity". It was a huge converted super club which I happened to patronize a couple of times when I took a date to a prom. 

Years passed by and I advanced my feminine technique far enough I couldn't wait to make the short trip to return. When I did make it, I was fascinated with all the opportunities.  The club featured a wide variety of gay men to drag queens to cross dressers and the occasional sprinkling in of "admirers" or those men who desired men dressed as women. 

Perhaps the earliest lesson I learned was how different I was from the drag queens who frequented the venue. While many were totally attractive there were just as many who came off as caricatures of cis-women. 

Through it all, I was intrigued by the attention I received from the occasional admirer. Mostly they wanted me to shoot pool with them. Probably so they could watch me navigate the table in my short tight mini skirt I was fond of wearing. Back in those days I felt trashy or so called sexy clothing was the way to validate myself as a woman. Plus everyone told me I had great legs, why not take advantage in the way I felt. The problem arose when I had to learn to wear the mini skirts. I found out one night first hand when a man insisted I watch their game when I refused to actually play. He pulled up what amounted to no more than a bar stool for me to perch on during the pool match. It only worked for a short time until I became uncomfortable and moved on. 

All in all the whole experience left me mostly confused. I was in the early stages of realizing I wasn't looking from attention from a man but loved it when it came from a woman. It was rare there were any other lesbians in the venue so I had very few opportunities to find any other women to attempt to interact with. 

Celebrity Signage

There were a few other cross dressers and/or transgender women who frequented the venue. Many of them were from a Dayton group who were decidedly unfriendly. So I left them alone. Another lesson learned. Just because others shared my desire to be feminine didn't mean their attitudes changed for the better. 

Most likely the highlight of going to the venue had to do with using the ladies room. When I did, I was fairly sure the décor hadn't changed since my prom date did years before. For whatever reason, the experience made up for my other resentments. after all  she was the one who was able to wear the beautiful dress and wear the fresh corsage. 

The whole experience helped me to grow past the initial steps of coming out in a feminine world. Little did I know then how many more there were to come.  

A Good Question

 

Recently I wrote a post concerning the term "passing" and it's relevance to transgender women and/or cross dressers today.  Georgette wrote in with this response:

"I'm not sure the idea of "passing" will ever go away. I see so many on-line posts of Trans People still asking/worrying about it.  And it is not just transgender women, many younger trans men are asking the same.  The ones that give up and say they will never pass  say that's OK as I will own being a transgender woman. But I wonder if they could pass would they still own being a trans woman."

First of all, thanks for the comment. In my experience, most all of the transgender women I knew who readily passed, all went stealth and were never heard from again. Of course, my disclaimer is my examples came from "back in the day" when going stealth was the only way to go. In other words, stealth meant being invisible to the public than being anything other than a cis woman. 

I have two specific examples of trans women who closely followed each other in their transitions. In fact, I think their genital realignment surgeries came in the same year. Both of them had an advantage in that they had natural feminine tendencies and passed very easily. Yes, I was quite envious as I struggled to work with the qualities I did have to get by  Through it all, as I tried to come to grips with my gender identity, I was able to essentially "carve" out my own little niche. 

These days, I find myself  struggling with going stealth myself. In fact if the truth be known, I am an estimated  ninety per cent in the world as a cis woman. When I refer to this, I need to explain for the most part it has little to do with appearance and more to do with confidence. Much of my confidence comes from having Liz by myside. She has my back when/if anyone miss-pronouns me. Ironically, I think we get more public push back from those thinking we are lesbians. 

In addition, I have pulled back from most of my participation in the transgender - cross dresser support group I used to be fairly active in. I just don't feel a part of it anymore. Being a full time participant in a feminine world has eliminated the need to get all dolled up to be with other like minded individuals.  If I truly thought I had anything to add, I would go. Many of the other attendee's are much younger so there is an age gap to consider also.

Still,  I do think I carry the stigma with me of wanting to "pass" as a cis woman. Too much time , effort and worry went into during my gender transitional years. I can't forget also how much the femininization affects of hormone replacement therapy helped me align my inner and outer selves. Finally I  learned none of it still matters totally. An example was the Thanksgiving debacle I went through with my daughter's in laws. My excuse for their miss-gendering was how well I imprinted my maleness on them earlier in my life.

It's a good question.

More on Transgender Attraction

 Connie commented on the Cyrsti's Condo "Attraction" post:

"As I approach both my 70th birthday and 49th wedding anniversary, attraction is quite different than it was before. While I don't feel lonely, I do feel a loss. I was lucky that my transition to living as a woman was accepted by my wife, but the relationship changed. We were friends before we married, and, while that part has only strengthened over the years, romance was placed on the back burner years ago. Of course, it's much more complicated than just that, as there are other factors (many of them having to do with health) that I won't divulge here. Love and companionship create a bond that can be so much stronger than physical attraction.

I could write of a multitude of occasions when someone was attracted to me as a trans woman. It has never been the case that I consciously attempted to cause any of them. I have been "hit on" by men (both gay and straight), women (both cis and trans), and even a trans man. In each case, I have asked myself what it was that attracted them to me. As far as I know, none of them could have been sure of my genitalia or the "authenticity" of my breasts. In at least a couple encounters, I'm not even sure they knew I was a trans woman. I'm not naïve enough that I believe they were all attracted to my sparkly personality, either.

I decided long ago that, although I can adeptly create the illusion that there is a female body beneath my clothing, it doesn't matter - because I know there is not. The only way, now, that I would feel sexually attractive would be if I had female genitalia and breasts. The fact is that if I don't feel attractive the way I am, then I wouldn't be interested in anyone else who might be attracted to me this way, either.

I know it is largely due to my dysphoria that causes me to feel the way I do. Thank God I have a wife who values our love, companionship, and close friendship as much as I do. Those are pretty attractive qualities, in themselves, after all."

Thanks for the comment! 

As I have said many times, my major contact with genders when I began to come out as a transgender woman came from cis women, mainly lesbians although one of my first dates was with a trans man. Although I like to deceive myself into thinking the majority of attraction came from how I presented myself, the reality was my attraction came from the fact I was different. I am a firm believer in most cis women aren't as grounded in a strict gender binary as men are. So my gender blurring was a plus to them.

Plus my attraction could have been my desire to live an authentic life on a cis woman's side of the gender spectrum. 

To be certain there are no easy answers.

Terf's

Do you know what a "Terf" is, or what it means?

To put it simply, a Terf is a cis woman who dislikes transgender women  First of all, here's how the name came to be. It is the abbreviation for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminism. Essentially the idea it is impossible for a person assigned a specific gender at birth to transition and occupy the space of another gender. They take it as far as seeing it  as an invasion all over again from the patriarchy and essentially raping women again. 

In their neat conceptual world, men are the predators and women are the prey. To introduce any form of a transgender woman is an attack on feminism everywhere in addition to trans males being a threat to butch lesbians.

I would have to ask Paula for sure but I think Terf's are more publicized in Great Britain where Paula is from. However, a few years ago I was confronted by gender rejection at a lesbian Valentine's Dance Liz and I went to here in Cincinnati. You could definitely refer to the person who literally sought me out to harass me as a Terf. 

I was minding my own business waiting for Liz to rejoin me with a few appetizers when this lesbian approached and started to ask me about what my "real" name was. Unfortunately, I hadn't had my name legally changed yet to produce my driver's license.  By the time Liz returned, the bitch had disappeared again into the crowd. 

Being the glutton for punishment I was back in those days, I even tried to join Liz's lesbian meet up group which put on the dance. Naturally I was rejected for being transgender and not a "real" woman. Shortly after that, Liz left the group, 

Since essentially, my feminine upbringing was helped along by cis women lesbians, I know all lesbians aren't Terf's. Plus, naively I have always felt the more the better when it comes to any form of human movements. In other words, I don't understand why cis women Terf's wouldn't want transgender women involved in their search for equality in gender rights. After all, we have seen the gender world  from both sides and made our choice to leave our male privileges behind. 

In the meantime, I will forever remember the time I was gender slurred and attacked by a Terf. 

A Caricature?

 From disabled transgender poet Torrin A Greathouse:

"If we're not feminine enough, that is a failure. But if trans women are too feminine, that is also seen as a flaw. It is seen as a caricature of womanhood."

Where does that statement leave you? For me, it brings back memories of obsessing over every aspect of my feminine presentation. In fact, I have often written about the differences between my early posts here in Cyrsti's Condo as compared to my current offerings. Nearly all of the decade old posts have a definite  bias on every aspect of what I was wearing.  Perhaps I was presenting as too feminine and maybe I was a caricature myself. 

Of course time changes all of us and I was changed by the cis women I interacted with.  They brought a different feel to their femininity and one I happened to identify with.  All of a sudden finding exactly the correct accessory to wear when I met them wasn't the priority, communicating with them and the world became a real goal. I guess you could call it acceptance over accessories. Through it all, I was able to observe how they interacted with the world and my small tight-knit circle of friends ushered in my unique personal womanhood. 

In other words, I was able to escape the "caricature" mold Greathouse writes about by capturing what being a woman meant to me. Obviously there were surprises along the way. 

Overall though, I changed and was able to finally thrive. In no small deal thanks to all of them. 

They showed me the way out of the clothes into the real world and gave me confidence to live the life I had always dreamed of living. 

If you would want to read more of the "NPR" post with Torrin Greathouse, follow the link above. 

Welcome to the Sisterhood?

 Very early in my Mtf gender transition, I was "ushered" into the sisterhood of cis women by several very well meaning women. Having said all of that, I learned too all women were not real happy with my showing up to play in their gender "sandbox." I also learned quickly the feminine power of passive aggression. Or, I discovered to quickly learn a smiling face could hide a sharp knife heading for my back. 

Take the restroom acceptance for example. One night I remember vividly was years ago when a woman I met briefly at a sports bar was going to the ladies room and invited me to go along. The whole process caught me by surprise and I declined...that time. The next time she asked, I took her up on the invitation and conducted myself well. I took care of business, made sure to wash my hands, checked my makeup and hair and took off. Everything went well with the person who invited me but not so well with a couple other women in the venue. One of which ended up complaining to the manager. He ended up letting a couple play "Dude Looked Like a Lady" three times in a row on the juke box and finally asked me to leave.

Several weeks later though I got my revenge on the jerk after he got fired and two staff members met me in a neighboring venue and invited me back. A friendly attitude and good tipping got me by almost every time. Interesting enough, it was during this time I met another transgender woman who ended up moving away years later after we did some quality partying together at several different venues. One of which had a enormous bar area and a famous two dollar draft beer night on Tuesdays. Most nights, finding a seat was difficult but somehow we managed being the only trans girls in the crowd having a great time. It was in this venue I did meet the two lesbian women I was to become best friends with. And from there too we were able to branch out to a couple other spots in a restored restoration district and have a very good time there too.

I guess you could say I networked my way into the "sisterhood." When I was going out to entertain myself and be alone, I was attracting too much attention to myself. When I was with my friends, I had strength in numbers and in fact had the chance to blend in with their lesbian mixers which I totally enjoyed.

I was welcomed into the sisterhood more than I was ever expecting to do.  

Memories

At my age and during this quarantine, I find myself trying to remember more of the "back in the day" memories of when I was living through my first days of actually trying to live in a feminine world. Today, I am wondering what in the world some of the people I encountered thought of me. For this post, two small lesbian bars I used to frequent are coming to mind. 

I have written here in Cyrsti's Condo about both of the bars and how they were similar but yet different. One was more friendly and the other not so much since it was very much a lesbian biker style bar. I am sure the people I repeatedly saw in there went from a what the hell, to why does a person such as me even want to come in there to start with, to finally giving me a begrudging acceptance. In the end, I am sure they weren't sorry to see me move on to other challenges. And, a challenge is just what it was. 

The other bar was much more mellow and accepting. In fact, one of the bartenders knew me as my male self too. I enjoyed the time I spent being able to drink a few beers and chat with the bartender. It was in this bar, I was forced to sing karaoke with a very butch lesbian in boots with a cowboy hat. I am sure, in the dark bar, in my jeans, boots and long blond hair I looked like the perfect conquest for a super butch. As my bartender friend smirked, indeed I did sing the only song I knew. To put it mildly, I can't sing as a girl or a guy, so as soon as the song was over I bolted for the bar. Paid my tab and took off. I often wonder what "Cowboy" woman thought after I left and I never found out either. I never saw her again when I went back and nobody in the bar seemed to know who she was. Who knows? She may have changed my perspective on life :). As time and life moved on, both of the bars closed and I was forced to find other places to entertain myself. 

Other places were not so difficult to find I learned. As most of you condo regulars know, I spent way too much time in the larger commercial chain bar/restaurants. It was way too easy to find a spot and become a regular. After all, I was very different, tipped well and minded my own business. The only potential problems I ever ran into back in those days was using my rest room of choice and getting home before my wife did as she closed the big book store she managed. 

All in all, it was a crazy time in my life, mostly caused by my desire to chase my gender dysphoria. I learned quite a bit of positives and for the most part have forgotten most of the negatives. Isn't that what old age is all about?

New Acquaintances?

Both support group meetings this week resulted in meeting new transgender folks with an occasional cross dresser mixed in.

Most were very shy and uncommunicative, but others were outgoing too. One in particular reminded me of a trans girl I used to hang out with years ago. Another was a delightful more mature pan-sexual cis woman who shared her recent experiences coming out in the LGBTQ community.

At both meetings, I shared experiences about Liz and how she helped kick me totally out of the closet. Of course (being me), I did things backwards. Friends had to convince me finally to accept myself as a feminine being. I was torturing myself living three or four days as a guy, then three or four as a woman. It ultimately led to me trying to kill myself.

It must have been a powerful message in one group, since my therapist made a special phone call to thank me for participating.

Switching topics now (slightly), we will have a chance to meet a few other new transgender and/or cross dressers tonight. We have decided to go to the group Thursday social for the first time.  It also gives us a chance to try out a new restaurant.

Of course tomorrow (Friday) is hair day for both Liz and I and a chance to decide if I want it colored or not. It will be a "game time" decision depending on if Liz is going to have her's colored or not. If she doesn't, it leaves a coloring spot I could possibly have.

Finally, Saturday we have an invitation to go out and meet a couple friends. However, we are expecting another big weekend storm before record cold temperatures set in, so it is doubtful we will be able to go.

The "joys" of an Ohio winter!

The Name Game.

Lately it seems, every time we turn around, someone is adding another letter to the LGBT moniker.

LGBT has become LGBTQ and beyond even, which I am not going to mention in this post. Oh well, why not. There is also LGBTQIA. If you wonder what all that means, "Q" is for questioning "I" is for intersex and "A" is for ally or asexual.

I still wonder though, what happened to the "C" for cross dressers?

Maybe you have to complete some sort of reality school to "graduate" up into the main lineup of letters? Also what happened to transsexuals? Remember when the all powerful Transsexuals "ruled" the roost after they climbed the gender dysphoria ladder to surgery and then disappeared? Maybe some still do, but almost all of the trans women who have gone through surgery I know these days are nice and mellow women.

Then there are the poor transvestites. Remember them? I remember explaining to a few key people in my world what the term meant. It seems pretty harmless these days. All I wanted to do was to dress like a woman. Of course, all of that started to change when the transgender term came along.

Every once in a while, I take a look at the other letters to see what they still mean to me. Although I know it drives many lesbians crazy, I consider myself a lesbian because I am a woman and live with a cis woman. I was gay "questioning" but never saw the need or desire and "Bi" is pretty self explanatory.

Finally, I am not intersex and I live with an ally.

Hopefully, I covered all the bases...I think I feel better!

Sunday!

Again! Another week has flown by. Very much a typical one on the home front.

No trips to the doctors or therapists this week, except for my recent hearing test, it looks like I will be around for awhile at the least. I hope so, I still have quite a bit to do!

I did read a couple interesting links from Bob and did send a message to a nearby LGBT organizer in Dayton, Ohio, so I can pass along his ideas. Recently, his posts have been very pro - transgender in the LGB spectrum, so we will see what will happen.

The link from Bob was called "What Do We Do About Women With a Penis?" by Cassie Brighter. It leads off with: "The Penis in Women's Spaces, the Cotton Ceiling and the Definition of Womanhood. It's a very long and well written post with several intriguing ideas from which I am going to try to pass along. Or, you can follow the link above to read it yourself.

One paragraph starts with a circle of women all cis except one transgender who become nude in a circle:

"Nineteen of these women are vulva-clad, vagina-equipped natal, cisgender women. One of these women is trans. While she might not refer to her genitals by the words 'penis' or 'testicles,' that’s what they are anatomically. And, though transformed by several years of female hormones, her genitals are likely to be understood as "male genitals" by most women present.

This is the challenge we face: Do we allow the trans gal to participate in the exercise (which includes shedding all clothes and touching one’s genitals), or do we specifically exclude her, for fear of triggering one or more of the other women?" 

The post goes on to explain an answer, or answers to this complicated idea. Also, if you are wondering what the term "Cotton Ceiling" means, here is your answer:

"The term "cotton ceiling" was coined by porn actress and trans activist Drew DeVaux in 2015. It’s been used to refer to the tendency by cisgender lesbians to outwardly include and support trans women, but draw the line at considering ever having sex with them."

Finally, as I try to break this down for you, the post goes into the trans woman in "women's spaces." She (Cassie) writes:

"I beseech you, please show up with humility and patience. If a cisgender woman talks to you from privilege, acting entitled and expecting you to "mind your place," resist the urge to get mad. It might not be malice, it might just be ignorance. Be gentle in correcting pronouns, explaining trans basics, correcting misperceptions."

Later on in the post, we transgender women are referred to as "refugee's" in women's spaces.

As you can tell, there is a lot of ground covered here. Thanks Bob for sharing!

Hope the rest of you had a great week!

Living in a Woman's World

Yesterday, I spent an hour plus talking to a friend's sibling who was struggling with questions as to coming out as a transgender woman.

Along the way of course, she asked what my definition of a cross dresser versus a transgender woman is. You Cyrsti's Condo regulars know I feel the difference is a cross dresser wants to look like a woman, while a trans woman wants to be a woman.

From there, my new friend said she probably belonged in the transgender category.

As the conversation continued, we crossed into the area of sexuality. I said, I wasn't really attracted to men, but had dated a few...with no substantial results. On the other hand, she seemed to be attracted to men...which is absolutely fine.

Old Halloween Picture with Cis Friend

I did tell her to see if she could tell if her attraction was real, or simply a mode of validation. I used to be a believer being on a man's arm was the fool proof method of passing in the world as a woman.

Again (as many of you know), as I transitioned, my first three strong friends, and later my partner of seven years, all just happened to be cis woman lesbians. So, I didn't really have to worry what most men thought of me, since I didn't need them anymore for my validation as a trans girl.

All in all, the hour and ten minute conversation turned out to be a really educational experience for me, as I mostly just sat back and listened. I only really reacted when asked a question.

It was good to help and by the way, from her pictures, she is a Mtf transition natural.

Is It Easier to gain Transgender Acceptance from Men or Women?

Without question for me, cis-women have been the easiest to gain acceptance from. Followed by cis-men and lesbian women. Ironically though, a cis woman lesbian has been my partner for five years now.

For some reason, I think cis women have less to lose knowing a transgender woman, unless one of us used to be her boy friend or spouse. At that point we are playing in their sandbox and open to their life's lessons. We can exchange makeup and fashion tips quite easily. Having been down the same path and I think many cis-women are pleasantly surprised. Plus, it has always been great fun for me!

Men on the other hand are so sexually insecure, it is difficult to find one or any who will truly accept a trans woman. Although I know it happens because as a group transgender women provide an unique, even exotic look into sexuality for some cis-men. Those are the "admirers" who wouldn't want to bring you home for Thanksgiving dinner.

I my past, I have been alternately blistered or more often ignored by cis women lesbians. One of my worst gender slurs ever came at the hands of a butch lesbian at a big party. It was one of the few times I have let anyone get to me.

So, there you go. My personal look at public acceptance of transgender women. Especially important these days as we try to separate ourselves from the LGBT umbrella, be public and tell our story.

Happy Fourth!!!! Boom-BOOM!

The Fourth of July holiday this year does mean more to the transgender population of the LBGT crew. The gays and lesbians of course have just fought a hard fought battle to win the nation wide right to same sex marriage. But, for the most part, we trans types were left out in the cold thinking "well that's the right thing to do-but what's in it for us?" 

Being a transgender U.S. Army veteran one of the heights of hypocrisy in our society comes from the military. Recently there have been some real change in the basic policy concerning active trans troops. Unlike gay or lesbian troops, transgender women and men were out. (Talk about uncertainty!)

Then slowly and ever so uncertainly bits and pieces of change were announced. With my very limited on hands knowledge of the military (three years) I knew the "chain of command" was an all important factor in how trans troops could possibly serve. The problem was, you could have one unit commander who supported your job and service-then get transferred to one who didn't and out you go. Discharged, "see ya!"

Now at least in two branches, (Marines and Navy) they have issued a directive to not follow the chain of command and go all the way to the top:

I'm far from the expert, but I see this as one giant step towards moving the Pentagon bureaucracy towards granting troops who fight for the nation-true equality.

Even another cause for celebration!!!