Trans Bucket List

 

Image from Pepe Nero on UnSplash.

On my way to achieving my version of transgender womanhood, I started my trans woman bucket list.

It all started on the fateful night when I decided to go out and mingle with a group of professional women as an equal. Not as a man cross dressed in their company to see if I could make it in their world. There was so much else at stake that evening because I knew if I was successful, I could never go back to just living my life as a man. 

Once I was successful, I began to think of  things I could accomplish as a trans woman to add to my bucket list. Once I was accepted as a regular in one venue, could I possibly add another to increase where I could go to add variety to my evenings. For the most part I was successful in being accepted. Even to the point of being thrust into a diverse small group of acquaintances I could regularly socialize with. The group included the sister of one of the bartenders, a lesbian, a couple men and an exotic dancer to name a few. All of this occurred before I met the transgender woman and two lesbians I socialized with on a regular basis.

Also on my bucket list at the time was how was I going to handle my sexuality with men. I almost found out when I became attracted to one of the men in the group. Or should I say he was becoming intrigued with me. All the way to him seeking me out on the nights when I was there all alone. I felt comfortable talking to him and even enjoyed his company before he switched jobs and abruptly moved away. It turned out there were very few men on my bucket list but even so, there were a couple which left a deep impression on me. 

Both of the men were met through social media dating sites and happened after I sorted through an amazing amount of trash responses. Because I was careful to meet any responders in a setting I approved of, we met in my regular venues I felt safe in. Both treated me with respect and I leaned a little of how it would be to interact with an interested man as a woman as I was wined and dined. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. I still remember both dates and how special I felt but on the other hand, I never really lost my attraction to women. As impossible at it seemed to me at the time, I was headed towards being a transgender lesbian...if I could be accepted. 

I continued my quest for a new bucket list as I learned how to be a woman from other women. It seemed nightly I was learning new ideas such as I did not need a man to be validated in my new life. The lesbians I were around were both very strong and confident in their own right, so I could be also. 

Then, there was my relationship with my wife Liz which has been going on for over thirteen years now. I never though I would find another person who would be serious enough about me to want to build a relationship at my age. But I did and amazingly, Liz found me on a dating site defying all odds. 

Just when I thought I was done with my bucket, it became filled with happiness and I hope to keep it that way. 

Lesbian Bars

Image from the
Jessie Hart 
Archives.

When I was first exploring the world as a novice transgender woman, one of the first big discoveries I made was the male gay bar scene was not for me. 

I initially thought going to a gay bar was a safe place to be. I found I was safe, to the point of not being threatened but on the other hand I did not anticipate being ignored to the point of being discriminated against. Since I knew the odds of anyone hitting on me would be very low, again I was lonely all the way to the point of being ignored at the bar when I tried to order a drink.  Also, I disliked being treated like a drag queen on nights when there was a show. Within a short period of time, I grew tired of the experience and looked for other outlets to explore.  

About that time, I became aware of several new lesbian bars which had opened around the Dayton, Ohio area and wondered how my acceptance would be at them. Since my sexuality had never changed from liking women, I felt more comfortable in their company and wanted to see if they accepted me at all. Not to be "picked up" so to speak but to be treated on a friendly basis. Initially, I knew of three lesbian bars of which I tried to go to two. 

The first one I tried did not accept me at all. It was a very butch dominated bar where I got in trouble for playing Shania Twains "Man, I feel Like a Woman." The lesbians huddled around the small bar did not see the humor in my choice of music. Even though I wasn't welcome, I still persisted on going back just because I was so stubborn. On the other hand the second lesbian bar I went to was a completely different experience. They were friendly to me and I felt relaxed and welcome. Plus I was surprised when I discovered my male self actually knew one of the bartenders. Her and her wife were regulars at my restaurant. 

As it turned out, I had many exciting experiences there starting with how I presented myself.  Quickly I assumed the role of a "lipstick lesbian" in my boots, tight padded jeans and blond shoulder length wig. One night I presented so well, a "super butch' (very masculine) woman approached me to sing karaoke with her. She would not take no for an answer so I joined her along with her cowboy hat for a terrible duet. Since I am a terrible singer. When I finished, my singing partner said she was surprised my voice was deeper than hers as I began to plot my escape. While she took off to the restroom, I took off to pay my bar tab and left and I never saw her again. I know my friend behind the bar got a kick out of my whole experience. 

One night I am still sad I missed was when the bar scheduled a few exotic dancers to come in and entertain. The small venue was packed as everyone eagerly awaited the show and one of the other patrons actually bought me a beer and said she ought to take me home with her. Even though I was flattered, at that time I still had a wife to go home to and time was running short. I could not stay until the exotic dancers made it, so at the least I saved the tip money I was going to use. It was to be the only time in my life I would get the chance to experience how a group of women act around dancers.  

I was saddened when the bar closed and I had fewer venues to go to but it was a time of great discovery for me anyhow. My new small circle of cis-women friends were lesbians. The fun started when I began to receive invites to come along to monthly lesbian only mixers at different Dayton, Ohio venues. Some were straight while others were gay which made going even more exciting. One night, one of my friends even asked me to approach another person at the mixer for her to see if she was with someone else which marked the first and last time I was ever a "wing person" for another woman. 

Probably, the biggest lesson I learned about the lesbian community was the different layers of people from "Baby Dykes" to "Lipstick Lesbians" all the way to "Butches and Super Butches." I found for the most part I fit in except for one night at a woman's Valentines' Dance years ago when a bigoted TERF attacked me about being at the dance at all. At the time, my future wife Liz was part of a Cincinnati lesbian social group which I tried to join also. When I was turned down, Liz left the group. 

As you can tell, I owe quite a bit to lesbians and their bars which sadly have disappeared in many areas. I know of two still left in my local Cincinnati area but there could be more I have not heard of since we don't get out much anymore. I just know the venues I went to in place of gay bars were a welcome relief to my acceptance as a transgender woman. When I combined them with all the straight venues I had become an accepted regular in, my new life was off to a good start.