The Return Home

 

JJ Hart, on a chilly
Florida beach night.

The return home from a rather lengthy vacation always presents a bittersweet time for me. While the trip to Florida went well and for the most part exceeded my expectations, our return to our home in Cincinnati and to our very lonesome cat was welcome. Similar to being able to sleep in our own bed again.

During this trip we played hide and seek with several major weather systems. In order to stay ahead of the foot of snow, which was heading for our native Ohio, the bus tour company decided to leave a day early and take a different route South to Florida. It proved to be a masterpiece of planning because we faced just a tiny piece of snowy weather around Knoxville, Tennessee and none of the dreaded ice. Which went Southeast of us.

By nature, I have become a worrier in my old age, so on top of thinking about all of the weather issues we would be facing, I had to put the restroom anxiety I always feel in the back of my mind. Which was a good thing because outside of a few startled looks I received from other women on the tour, I had no problems with my choice of restrooms I used. In fact, the biggest issue I faced was trying to wait for a handicapped accessible stall to use which really helped me with my mobility issues, I was able to not use my cane at all and rely heavily on my walker with wheels.

Past the restroom issue, I had to adjust to using my most feminine voice again. An issue because I don’t have to think about it as much around home because I don’t interact with strangers much. Day one proved to be more challenging on my part because I was so shy with the others on the tour, and I was afraid I was coming off as unfriendly or bitchy. I was fortunate in that we had two experienced tour guides who helped me find handicapped accessible ramps and restrooms.

As past trips and experiences have taught me, when I take the first step with a smile and friendliness on my part, most people respond the same way. So, by the time the tour of Florida was over, several of the other travelers made it a point to tell me how nice it was to meet me. I couldn't believe how good it made me feel. It was enough to warm me up even in the record Florida cold spell they were suffering through.  It was so cold and windy for them that they canceled one of the Everglades boat tours we were on. It all worked out for the better for Liz and I because we got extra time to explore the beach which is why we went in the first place. Plus, the leisure time helped me to recover from all the days we spent which required lots of walking. In fact, one day when we went to the Hollywood Beach area of Florida, we ended up walking over seven thousand steps, well over what I was used to.

Overall, I had a very good time on this trip even though it was to a part of the country I don’t agree with as far as politics are concerned. But my native Ohio is rapidly trying to become just as backwards as far as transgender rights are considered.

What did I wear? The whole trip was casual themed and all I took along was my best leggings and jeans, along with a solid pair of tennis shoes for walking. Other than that, I wore sweatshirts. With a daily shave and a liberal dose of my favorite foundation powder. I was ready to go for another day of cold Florida.

As I said, we made it home safely and had a good enough time that my wife Liz is planning the next trip which may include something to do with train travel. Plus, I will be writing more about other in-depth events on the trip.

Survival versus Impostor Syndrome

Conch Shells

 Many times, during my journey into transgender womanhood, I have experienced my fair share of impostor syndrome when I was able to slip in behind the gender curtain.

Most of the time, my fight with impostor syndrome happened early in life when I was first coming out. It was so unfair when I had spent so much time and effort to perfect my feminine presentation, only to be rejected by my own thoughts. The syndrome was especially strong when I was invited to girl's night's outs or used the women's room. 

On our recent vacation trip, I am happy to say, I think the old curse of impostor syndrome went totally away. Since the trip in reality had very few men in relation to women, many times when we ate meals, we ate with other women. I knew I had it made when others asked if we were sisters. Sadly, the overall physical stress of the trip began to take its toll on me. The sicker and weaker I became, the only thing I was trying to do was make it home in one piece. No matter how hard I tried, Covid was stronger and ended up putting me in a hospital in suburban Atlanta for several days, until I could regain my strength and travel again. I have written before how my daughter had to drive down from Ohio to rescue us when there were no rental cars available. 

Again, survival became the priority over worrying about petty issues about what rest room I was going to use. The only time I wavered in deciding what rest room I was going to use was when we stopped at a little seafood place in Florida around the Everglades. There were only two restrooms to use, clearly marked male and female, so the line to the women's room was very long. After a short time, a few brave women began to go ahead and use the men's room, not unlike you are able to see if you go to any major sporting events. I thought long and hard about going ahead and using the male side but ultimately decided it would be a bad idea. Since I did not have to go that bad and did not want to destroy my perfect restroom record which has gone back over a decade, I decided to wait and use the women's room. 

As we waited for our boat tour of the Everglades, we had lunch, and I was able to order a first for me, Conch Fritters. So, I was able to cross another item off my personal bucket list. During lunch, we found a seat at a table with a couple and a very gruff man wearing an Army hat. He did not seem to want to talk much to me and even though I very badly wanted to ask him where he served, I did not. In some ways, impostor syndrome had set in. 

Of course, in the hospital, as I have written about before, pure survival on my part had set in.  All I wanted was to feel better and be discharged. There was no time to be worried about any sort of impostor syndrome at all. In fact, the whole deal I went through made my ancient worries about fitting in seem very petty in comparison. 

So petty, I wonder if I was ever the same person who was so completely into obsessing on my feminine appearance. Perhaps I needed that time in my life to grow into the transgender woman I am today. I was not aware there were going to be multiple transitions as I grew into my authentic self. Being a functional woman meant so much more than just looking like one. There were factors such as developing communication and personality skills also.

Vacation Post

 

Image from Johannis Keys
on UnSplash.

The day finally is here before my wife Liz, and I depart for our long-awaited journey to the Florida Keys very early tomorrow morning. So, this will be my last post for approximately ten days. The first time in my history of writing a blog I have missed this much time in over a decade. 

As luck would have it, we are traveling on a charter bus and there are hefty storm warnings for the bus to attempt to out-run when we depart Cincinnati very early Sunday morning. 

Outside of the weather, long term, I have spent quite a bit of time worrying about potential hassles I may receive from a stray transphobe in the group. Magically however, after we packed this morning, my fears began to disappear. As Liz told me, this is not our first trip, and on the other ones, I have had no problems. In addition, I have steeled myself to facing any detractors if I run into them. Confidence in myself is one of my keys to a fun trip. After all, I paid as much as the next person to go on the trip.

After we arrive in the Keys, I am going to do my best to enjoy the brief respite to the Ohio winter and even try swimming for the first time as a transgender woman. Hopefully, this trip will be less physically demanding on me since I have mobility issues. Since the last trip we went on out west to Colorado seemed to leave very little time to relax and enjoy our surroundings before moving on, I was exhausted before we came back. I didn't like it.  Plus, this time, I have made sure I tried to walk as much as I could to build a little stamina. 

I look forward to rechecking back in with you all after we return and hopefully share a few pictures of me with my new short hair cut. 

I'm sure I will go through some sort of withdrawal when I can't write daily but then again, a little break should do me good so I can refocus my efforts. 

Hope to see you then.