Staring Down the Transgender Cliff

Image from Jimmy Conover
on UnSplash

 As I transitioned from my very active male self into an accomplished transgender woman, there were many times I found myself staring down a cliff on my gender path.

The more I walked on and was successful, the more scared I became. The cliff I was looking at, increasingly appeared to be steeper and riskier than I ever imagined when I first put on a dress and makeup so many years before. After all, I was risking so much such as a spouse, family and a job to name just a few. To add more pressure, I was becoming increasingly more and more successful in my choice of occupations. I had worked years to arrive at where I was and now I was risking it all to try to be a successful out transgender woman. By successful, I mean I was able to increasingly move about in society as I carved out a new life.

Mixed in with all the life changing experiences I was going through were many failures as I would sneak up to the cliff and look over. The entire process was scaring me more and more and threatened pushing me back into the gender closet I had worked so hard to leave for all of those years. 

Finally, I could take it no longer and began to gather the courage to take a leap of faith as I approached jumping off my personal cliff into a risky world I thought I knew something about. Before I did, I tried to come up with a survival plan when I jumped into the sometime snake pit which was the feminine world. I needed to learn the basics of the indirect passive aggression. Slowly but surely I learned to fasten my seatbelt and learned to ready myself to jump. I had conquered so much on my journey and it was time to quit staring down the gender cliff. 

Ironically, the women friends I had made like Liz and Kim helped me to a soft landing. They taught me what it would take to for me to become a transgender woman on my own terms. More importantly, all the fears I felt concerning my fear of gender heights proved they were like new gender guardian angels to me. Certainly, I found there were transphobes who would never like me but on the other hand, I found most people just didn't care. I was left alone to make a soft landing around my friends and enjoy my new life. 

I have always tried to be a proponent of the idea that something you are proposing to do will not be as bad as you think it will be or as good as you think it will. The same happened to me with I took the chance and gave up my male life and undertook the biggest adventure of my life. 

The soft landing off of the cliff coincided with my softer life as a transgender woman. When I did land, I wondered what took me so long. My excuse was I was afraid of heights, when in reality, I was just afraid of losing what was left of the white male privilege's I enjoyed. But it turned out, I could not have my gender cake and eat it too. It became too much pressure to attempt to live part time as a trans woman and a man. 

I closed my eyes, hoped for the best and jumped. It did not matter how intimidating the cliff seemed to be, the steep gender cliff proved to be the least of my problems. 

Young and Dumb

 

Banquet image with Liz on left. 

I often wonder how wise I was when I decided to follow my gender path to becoming a full time transgender woman. In many ways, I am referring to the good old, if I knew then what I know now, would have I done it.

The short answer is most certainly I would have tried my best to follow the same path because I had no choice. Either I transitioned or I died. I made it so simple even the most extreme transphobic person could understand.  

Transgender or not, we all go periods in our life when we are young and dumb. Fortunately, most of us live through this process and learn from our mistakes. This is especially true for transgender woman or trans men as they go through an assimilation process leading to living as their authentic selves . In many blog posts, I document more than a few of my fashion and makeup  mistakes when I first started my journey out of my dark gender closet. It wasn't until years of experimenting with my makeup did I seek out professional help which happened at a cross dresser - transgender mixer I happened to go to. I put my ego aside and volunteered for a professional to redo my makeup. He did a tremendous job and even explained what he was doing so I understood as he went along. I was very impressed with the results and basked in the praise I received from others I met. I went from a casual believer in the power of makeup to a total devotee.

Even when I was young and dumb, I tried to conduct myself with some sort of grace and decorum. I made sure I distanced myself from the other trans woman who was flashing others at the Andy Warhol show we went to in Columbus at The Ohio State University as well as making sure I did not abuse the rest room privileges other cross dressers did at a gay bar we went to. Leaving the toilet seat up and urinating all over the toilet in the women's room was certainly not cool and was nothing I wanted to be associated with. It wasn't too long after that when the sign went up on the door...real women only.

On the other hand, I still did quite a few dumb things which could have gotten me into trouble when I was in my formative cross dressing years. I drove way too much after I consumed vast amounts of beer was my main sin as well as how I dressed when I first came out into the world. My trashy fashion sense was just screaming look at me when the best policy was just to blend in with the world. My other problems I was lucky to escape happened when I ignored my new personal security needs as a transgender woman. No longer could I fall back on my departed male safety privilege and I needed to watch where I parked and what I wore around certain people. I was bailed out of one close call by my second wife and another time, I was able to buy my way out of trouble with two men I encountered on a dark urban sidewalk when I was leaving a gay bar.

I always have been a believer in that I have always had some sort of a guardian angel looking over me and she was certainly helping me out during my self destructive coming out days. I am sure, many times she was shaking her head and saying not again. How I was driving in those days alone many times could have resulted in a very serious injury. 

As with anything else, if you are transgender, life has given you extra layers of existence to work your way through. You need to deal with life's normal problems along with a whole new set of others which often are completely unexpected. Crossing the gender border can often be brutal at the hands of the public which chooses not to support us at all. Which we will find out again with yet another major Supreme Court decision coming up soon. Too many people didn't make it through the young and dumb period of their lives and are now old and dumb. 

Life in Her World

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Once I was preparing to live as a transgender woman, I needed to figure out what to do with my new life. . 

As it turned out, even though I had worked for years to figure out my ultimate gender puzzle, I found I still had a long way to go. When everything ceased to be in my mind and into the world, I faced the formidable task of rebuilding my life as a trans woman and leaving my male past behind. The first major problem came from my old male self accepting any of the idea at all. He kept reminding me of all the risks I would be taking if I transitioned. What would happen to my family, friends and employment if I entered my new exciting world. What I did for the longest time was attempt to live with one foot in one gender and one foot in another. Of course, my less than wonderful idea did not work and the pressure to move into her world fulltime became unbearable. I finally realized I did not have a choice and  I just had to complete my transition. I emphasize I had no choice because some transphobic individuals think I did. I would like them to live just a small time in a transgender life to permanently change their minds.

Another problem I had was the longer I lived in my new trans life, the more routine it became.  I found myself slipping back into my old male bad habits which were long gone. When my white, male privileges disappeared, I had no where to turn when life turned the tables on me. A primary example came on the occasions when my personal security was threatened as a novice transgender woman just learning the world. I discovered I could not just bluster or bluff away problematic situations which arose in the world. In many situations, like every other woman,  I needed to work hard to distance myself from the problem and try to learn from it.  Every time I slipped back into male mode, I was rudely reminded of what I did and quickly adjusted.  

Just moving around became a priority for me. I needed to unlearn the male walk and talk and learn to try to flow like a woman. I practiced everytime I could until I thought I had achieved a basic successful walk so I would  not look like a line backer in a dress. The whole process became easier when I finally realized I needed to put my male self away and adopt the feminine one forever. Without totally knowing it, I had moved away from my cross dressing days into a life in her world as a transgender woman. As far as talking was involved in the process, I write about the feminine art of communication often. As a male my habit of frontal aggression needed to go away as I found myself in a world dominated by passive aggression. All too often, I suffered the pain of claw marks on my back when I thought I knew what another woman was thinking or doing. Instead of making the first move in situations, I learned to lay back and let the other woman make the first move and then go from there.

Life in her world then became a question of how confident I had become. I came to realize even though another woman realized my path was different than hers, I still could be accepted as an equal. When I reached this moment of confidence, my life changed forever and I knew I could live the life I always dreamed of. In her world where I always belonged. 

In order to do so, I needed to finally trust my inner feminine soul to take over and run my life. She did a wonderful job since she had waited so long to do it. I was able to become a well rounded person in her world.

Impostor Syndrome?

 

Halloween Girls Night Out
Jessie Hart Archives 

In many ways, this post is an extension of yesterdays work. 

Impostor syndrome to me means not feeling at home in a space where you worked hard to find yourself. It is especially true when it comes to transgender women and trans men. Specifically I know a couple of trans men who suffer from impostor syndrome even though they are undetectable in their adopted authentic gender presentations. I am fond of telling one of them, they have transitioned into better men than I have ever known. 

Even still, imposter syndrome is difficult to shake. My earliest problems with I.S. came when I was invited to girls nights out. First of all, I was petrified and when my fears quieted down, I could finally grasp where I was and I was living my dream. Most importantly, I did not want to turn my dream into a nightmare and did I really belong there. After all, my path to womanhood was so different than all the other cis-gender women I was with. As I said in yesterdays' post, most all of the women in the group accepted me without questioning my past. I say most, because there was one woman one night who made no secret of her dislike for me. I did my best to ignore her or on the other hand, return the favor. My largest goal was not to let her ruin my experience. Which was so so fragile to begin with.

To this day I still suffer from gender impostor syndrome on occasion. I don't know why after all these years of living as a transgender woman fulltime why I would but I do. Perhaps it is because all the years I lived through to get to this point at times seemed as if I would never make it. All the years of going home with tears in my eyes from public scorn took their toll on me. All the years of trying to know myself when the answer was right in front of me all the time. Including the days when restroom privilege's were difficult to come by also. I had the police called on me all the way to being screamed at by a transphobic woman one night in a venue where I thought I was safe in. 

It has always been my theory that genetic women (or men for that matter) are just born female or male and need to grow into being women or men. As humans we need the time and experience to grow into our mature gender selves and sadly, many never make it.

I suppose this is the main reason I still fall for the occasional bout of gender impostor syndrome. I just haven't had the chance to pay all my dues I need to pay on the bumpy journey out of my closet and entering the world as a novice transgender woman. Even though I have spent over a half century of work to arrive here.

Happily, my battle with imposter syndrome seems to be almost at an end. I now have the confidence to realize I belong in a space as much as the next woman. I just have to continue to adjust to the way women are approached in the world. It was my own personal journey to my own unique trans-womanhood and I own it totally.    

Gender Chaos

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

Over time, I began to consider the chaos being transgender caused in my life. 

Looking back, I wish I had just a portion of the time back I wasted as I worried about how I was going to deal with all my gender issues. Every time I was able to set aside precious time to cross dress as my feminine self, I was only able to feel better for a short time before reality set back in and I started to resist my same old unwanted male self again. When it happened, I would become a terrible person to be around. Even to the point of losing jobs because of my actions.  Needless to say, this portion of my life was very self destructive. 

What I ended up doing was trying to outrun my gender issues which in my case I describe as gender dysphoria. I tried by changing jobs (which often involved moving) often and drank entirely too much alcohol as I attempted to out macho all my male friends while at the same time dulling my pain. Fortunately, I was able to stop my alcohol abuse in time to lessen any further chance of lasting damage to my body.

Backtracking a bit to all the moves I subjected my second wife to, we picked up and moved from our native Southwestern Ohio to the metro New York City area to run a fast food franchise. Perhaps an ulterior motive was to move to a much more liberal community which would provide more potential possibilities for my cross dressing gender expressions. After surviving almost two years, it was time to move again, as we returned to our native Ohio. As it turned out, yet another move awaited both my wife and I as I accepted a job to open fast food venues in Southern Ohio which turned out to be the exact opposite living situation than we faced in New York. We ended up renting a very rustic house in a rural area where we heated with a wood stove and utilized a cistern for our drinking water. Even still, I found ways to learn more about my gender challenges as I traveled into the nearest town.

Ironically, during this point of my life, I fueled my gender chaos by being successful with my feminine presentation. It was around this time when I started to begin doing the grocery shopping for the family as well as sneaking in quite a bit of shopping for myself. In essence, I leaned I could be on the right track thinking I could follow my secret dream of living as a fulltime transgender woman.  Little did I know how much chaos would lie ahead as my future played out. 

Recently I heard a comment which describes a large portion of the chaos I was to face. As I write about often, my deceased second wife knew and didn't object to my transvestite or cross dressing desires but never approved of me beginning hormones and starting to live more and more as a woman. As I headed down a path to no return with my gender desires. The comment involved the concept of emotional cheating and I immediately applied it to me. During my twenty five year marriage to my wife, I never physically cheated on her with anyone. However, as I became increasing involved with learning to exist in a feminine world, I started to sneak around behind my wife's back to live my new life. I wasn't proud of what I did but my only excuse was my chaos was so severe I could only do what I needed to do to survive. As I emotional cheated. 

All I know for sure, living through gender chaos is no joke and proves once again being a transgender woman or trans man is not a choice. Any transphobe who says it is needs to walk in our shoes for just a short time to see our truth.   

Confidnece

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Collection
Ohio River in Background

Perhaps the most important and the most fragile accessory we can add as a transgender woman or trans man is the confidence to be ourselves. Positivity gives us the power to move forward on our gender paths. 

In my case, confidence was hard earned and still remained very difficult to hold on to. The problem was it seemed as if every step I took forward as a novice cross dresser (or transvestite if you prefer), I would fall back two steps by doing something wrong. If I had the appearance of the presentation down perfect, then I would trip and fall in my heels which I was still attempting to learn how to walk in. To make a long story short, confidence was fleeting because this was the portion of my cross dressing life when I was still trying to dress too sexy and it turned out to be just trashy. I was learning the hard way to dress for other women, which allowed me to blend in and not cause unwanted attention.

When I arrived at the point when I began to effectively blend in, I became more grounded with my feminine presentation. When I did, I was able to gain more confidence and then attempt to communicate in the world as a transgender woman.  Sadly, my new found freedom was so fragile, I could lose it without much warning. I was always ready for pushback from the public. With someone laughing at me or worse yet inquiring which gender I really was. If the truth be known, I still feel the same way today. The difference is today, I am better situated mentally to take care of any attacks by a transphobe or a TERF. I know who I am and it is none of their business. 

In my overall presentation I think hormone replacement therapy has helped me greatly. The changes in my gender hormones over the years have helped me to change my way from the old unwanted male body I so disliked. My skin softened to the point my facial features became more feminine along with the rest of my body including the hair I have been able to grow. The whole process has enabled me to move with more confidence in the world. 

Speaking of more confidence, I recently saw a news story which said the Department of Defense or Pentagon was now going to make it easier for LGBT Veterans to have their less than desirable discharges reversed. Just having an Honorable Discharge is huge when it comes to being able to claim many veteran benefits and increases their confidence. Many of the discharges came during the ill-fated "Don't ask, Don't tell" military program. Hopefully many if not all of those who are trying to upgrade their discharges will be aided by this new program. I know my Veteran's Administration hospital has had an initiative to help LGBT vets upgrade their discharges for awhile now. 

My final VA ten week group session is coming up, so I should be able to find out more then. In the meantime, it is important to note confidence is earned not given. The more you live as your authentic gender self, hopefully the easier it becomes. Human's are like sharks and can smell blood in the water if anything is wrong. Just make sure you are not bleeding in the water and life will become easier.

This Says it All

 On Facebook, my former hairdresser Teresa released this photo. She is also the mother of a transgender son and a fierce ally of the community. Not to mention, just gorgeous too! Thanks for sharing Teresa!

What's Next?

Seemingly, the more I think about my past, the more I consider the future. Realistically speaking, most of my life lies behind me and I have written many times here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning my fear of being "cared" for in a nursing home with a very transphobic staff. Hopefully society will continue to inch forward in it's knowledge and support of transgender women and men.

Then quickly my mind returns to thinking about my past experiences I can put in the book. Many are buried deeply in my mind to a point where I can barely remember them.

Currently, I am writing about the very few men in my life including the first one. My meeting with him was brief and happened the night of my first professional make over at one of the transvestite mixers I went to. I guess I could say I had interactions with two guys that night since the make up expert who worked his magic on me was the first. Indirectly leading to the second.

During these mixers, I loosely tagged along with the "A" crowd or as I also called them, "The Mean Girls."  Approximately five or six of them always formed a clique which very few others were ever welcomed into. It turned out on that magical night, not even did I tag along, I crashed the clique.

Perhaps you noticed I said "crashed" and not joined. No matter how popular I became for one night, there was no way I ever wanted to become a permanent part of their exclusive group.

Now, back to the evening.  As I said, the make up expert did a wonderful job on me and even I was amazed. It was my first experience with someone else (who knew what they were doing) doing my makeup.

As I have written about before, the clique of the most attractive cross dressers or transgender women (before there was such a word) went out to party at gay venues after the mixer. Early in the evening I had the usual unremarkable time tagging along. It was later on when I was approached by a guy in the last venue we went to. He asked me to stay and he would by me a drink. Since I was dependent on the clique to get me back to the hotel, I declined.

More importantly though, the clique was dazzled I was approached and none of them were.

Sadly, the next day I had to go back to my usual male boring existence.

Monday, Monday

Here it is, another brand new week and again I am starting it with no car. I think I told you Saturday, when I went to pick it up, the shop said it was fixed but they were kidding. Hopefully, it will get done today.

Sunday turned out to have it's interesting ups and downs. We ended up having our monthly Witches Ball meeting at a large well known fast food place since the park we go to was closed for construction. After Liz and I ordered, the cashier said "thanks ladies." which was nice.

Not to be out done though was this red neck jerk at the grocery store who couldn't/wouldn't stop staring at us. For once, I was in my little world (it's nice there) and missed it. He could have been staring too, because Liz and I were holding hands and he could have been homophobic not transphobic. Not that one is better than the other.

Other than those two incidences, the day was very mediocre and summer like. I was able to wear my new gauzy two layered top which I dearly love!

Maybe I can sneak in another wear tomorrow when I go to another of my support meetings at the VA.

Another Week "In the Books"

At my age, the weeks increasingly fly by, as if they know I have fewer and fewer remaining. At least last week, I got my money's worth.

During the week, I had one support group meeting, one therapist visit, one doctors appointment and one night out.

What did I learn? Many trans people still are miserable to the point of attempting to bring others down with them, the VA still thinks they want my blood (even though they didn't this time) and the drive North to be seen by my Doc's is getting increasingly long and more boring.

On the "knock on wood" news from last week, the laptop seemingly is hanging in there, the flood waters from the Ohio River have retreated and we can take all our usual routes to where we have to go.

On the negative side, I experienced a transphobic slur on one of our trans karaoke singers. It's been awhile since I have encountered such a jerk. Our group was smaller than usual because of a local HRC  fundraiser. If some of our other rather outspoken participants had been there, the results of his mouth may have been different. Plus, I am not sure the trans singer even ever heard him because the singing area was so far away.

Speaking of hearing, I have another hearing check up close by at the Veterans Administration clinic. It's the day I pay my dues for listening to all the heavy rock I used to be addicted to.

Past the hearing test, the week is shaping up to be rather quiet. Or, maybe then again, I won't be able to hear it.

Good News

Amidst the usual bad news surrounding the transgender world, comes a bright story:

A trans teen will be under the care of his supportive maternal grandparents after an Ohio judge denied custody to the child's transphobic parents, the Associated Press reports.

The 17-year-old was suffering from depression and anxiety, and was deemed a suicide risk, possibly because his father refused to accept his gender identity nor allow his transition. A juvenile court judge in Cincinnati ruled on Friday that the child should be under the care of his maternal grandparents, who support his transition and are prepared to allow him access to hormone therapy. The judge did rule that the youth must see a psychologist before he can begin hormone treatments."

Hopefully, more successful cases such as this will follow!

Up-Keep

Well, time has flown by so fast, I have to seriously consider getting another manicure.

Fortunately, I found a bottle of almost the exact color to repair my nails recently, but my finances will improve enough next week t get them done the right way.

I go to the same salon Liz has gone to for years and it will be interesting to see if I get a male stylist again. As I did my first two times. Although it seems to be a bit sexist or even transphobic, I really don't care as long as my nails look good...which they did both times.

I also tipped well, so I don't know if that helps or hurts who I get.

Such is life for a transgender woman in the world. Never a dull moment.

Green Eggs and Trans Ham?

I hope you all had a festive and merry holiday yesterday and you were able to dodge the out of control weather which is sweeping the U.S and the UK to some extent also. Don't worry about that pesky global warming when the lawns in Ohio are turning green in December and the trees are trying to bud. As nice as no ice and snow around here is-or flooding (yet) or tornadoes (yet) I shudder to think what's coming.

Getting down to the subject matter, you may remember my post a couple days ago about being "mis gendered" at a local upscale meat chain store down the street. It was busy and a young cashier called me "sir." I pretty much have had it these days with instances such that and wheeled on her - asked her what she called me-then called her on it and left.

Later, when I got home, I looked for the omni present coupon/survey companies have on their sales terminal tapes. Example? A free bee or discount on a future purchase. I found the coupon info and filled out the obvious-at least one of their employee's may need a dose of sensitivity training when they are faced with dealing with a transgender guest in their store. It's not 'neat' or humorous and totally serious to the trans person - totally.

Of course the manager sympathized with me  and asked if I caught the name of the cashier? I said no I didn't and I knew the store was very busy and I didn't want anything but for the crew to know I knew and stop it.

The next transgender person after me may not be so understanding and I didn't think his store would want to be known for hiring transphobic employees.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Ker Plunk!  Listen closely - another weekend edition is hitting your virtual front porch. The front porch here at is chilly, but all the snow went North and West of us. So, lets grab a hot "cup o joe" (coffee) and get started!

Page One-the Week that Was or Wasn't: November 20th marked the 16th "Transgender Day of Remembrance." A somber day to be sure and a chance to inform the world the trans culture is more than pretty heels, dresses and  makeup-it's depressing and dangerous. The stats lean heavily towards transgender women being the targets of violence and even more being of color.

Please take a moment to remember and consider what you can do to help this dire, tragic statistic in the future. 

Every little bit helps. Around here in the Cincinnati, Ohio area it's time for us to celebrate the very short misunderstood life of Leelah Alcorn who took her life about this time last year. As a point of reference, she (Lelia) was never understood by her parents-to the point of suicide.

Page Two-Eat, Drink and be Mary? I felt using this transphobic phrase was an excellent way to "usher" in the holiday season in the United States. On page one, we already addressed the dire need to address the violence against us. None of that though addressed the 41% suicide attempt rate within the transgender community-and have been rejected by their families They will face a very lonely holiday period. Fortunately, many LGBTQ communities step up this time of year to fill the void. Unfortunately, it's too little too late for many, especially in secluded areas.

Page Three- The Back Page: Somehow I need to apologize to all of you about writing such a negative post. But it is the time of year to look out of your closets and away from the mirror to make whatever effort you can to help-no matter how small!
In the meantime, as always thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo and just know I love you all!

Cyrsti's Condo "Thought of the Day"

This was passed along from my long time friend Connie Malone (Oregon Duck fan and all) who originally suggested I write a blog and told me how to spell it.  She also coached me through many of my initial attacks from the trans nazi's on a certain social site we were on. You know, the ones who put themselves farther up the transgender food chain -  "Trans-ness" to them is determined by operations and "time served."

Thanks Connie!

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

"Ker Plunk!!!" Welcome to a "late day version" of  our Sunday Edition here in the Condo! Running late from one heck of a weekend!

Page 1.-  The week that was- or wasn't!  The week around here was basically involved with the fast approaching Halloween holiday.  Party time for genetics, trans girls and cross dressers to strut whatever "stuff" they have. Plus, it is a time for many cross dressers to venture into the world.  Many for their first time. A very exciting and very scary evening, with or without all the "ghosts and goblins" or the vastly more popular vampires and zombies this season.  Especially "zombie drag".  Just go to your local thrift store, fight all the other cross dressing guys away from the larger size dresses-tear one up with a fright wig and you are ready to go!  I can't believe two things for me this year.  The first is, it is nearly here and the second is for the first time ever I'm on pace this year to pass along all of my Halloween epics!

Page 2.- Dancing the night away.  As I wrote, Saturday night, my lesbian partner Liz and I went to a big lesbian Rainbow Dance close to Cincinnati, Ohio.  For me it was rather bittersweet.  First of all, I was rather naive to think the outfit I had picked out for the evening was going to work out as well as it did last spring at Trans-Ohio. (It seemed someone had gained more weight than she thought.)  Not to worry though, I ended up with outfit (plan B) which worked better in the mirror.  For some reason though, I didn't feel as relaxed as I thought I should have been when we arrived.Maybe it was a premonition.  We had no more than found the bar and appetizer tables, when a genetic I referred to as "helmet hair" (looked like it) made it her special goal to spot me and said "hey dude! what's your real name?  I was taken back for a second (a huge mistake) and said "Mine is Cyrsti, what's your real name?"  Really?  Look, I do not expect to be embraced or supported by everyone, but don't seek me out to bash me!

As much as I try, I try to not let transphobic bigots get under my skin or in my noggin, but I can't tell you I wasn't looking for the bitch to seek me out again.  She didn't and actually the rest of the evening was OK.  I did dance with Liz and saw at least three other transgender sisters in the crowd of around 300.

Looking back, I don't know what other expectations I had except to enjoy the evening with Liz and do some people watching.  I just made the mistake of thinking all lesbians are any more accepting of trans women than all gay guys are.  It wasn't as if I was trying to "force" my way into their sandbox.  My partner wanted to go.  I just have a problem when a genetic (lesbian or not) gets this evil sh-t eating smirk on her face when she is leering at me.  I think I will get a t-shirt that says "Get a life-you can't have mine!" (The vast majority of the people there paid no attention to me at all.)

Page 3.- Fall colors!  Saturday I figured a sure fire way to cleanse myself of "Helmut Head" was to change the color of my head.  I have been considering going darker for this fall and winter and as a matter of fact, Liz and I were admiring another woman's hair color at the dance.  It's difficult to describe except the color resembles a dark auburn with maybe a Henna tinge of extra red.  I have so much hair, Liz needed two boxes of coloring to make it work.  She slathered it on my hair and then as I rinsed it off-her shower looked like a copy of the Psycho  (Alfred Hitchcock-1960) classic bloody shower scene. I do love the results and have added a quick picture. The color is tough to see in the picture here.  I have another which shows more of my hair and the color which I will try to remember to pass along later!


Page 4.- The Back Page  That's about going to do it kids for this week's Sunday edition!  I will keep you all in my thoughts and pass along good vibes for a great week ahead for us all!

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

And.....Hereeeeee we go kids-another glorious Cyrsti's Condo Sunday Edition. Ker Plunk!

Page 1.- The week that was-or wasn't.  Outside the friendly confines of the Condo, the world  went on. Most of it out of our control. Fortunately, the din over Kelli Maloney (the boxing promoter in the UK) coming out as transgender is subsiding and the media awaits the next well known person who opens the door and comes out.  We certainly know they are in the shadows-anymore, it's not if it will happen it's when.   We will have to check the Las Vegas betting lines to see if they have odds on when!

Page 2.- Mama June and TV Land Revisited.  In this case we didn't use the old TV initials yesterday to

The "Anti-June Cleaver?"

discuss transvestites, instead remembering June Clever from the "Leave it to Beaver" sitcom.  The post evolved (or unraveled) into a discussion of stealth, SRS and life back in the day.  Michellewhois was kind enough to fill us in on what the era was like for her.  Before we get to her, just to fill you in, "test driving a new car" was a paraphrased remark I heard Ophra  Winfrey make to a transgender wife who was on a show (long ago) with her original genetic wife.  The trans woman had just gone through SRS and said she had no desire to have sex with a man. Ophra looked at her and said why if you bought a new car,(vagina) why wouldn't you test drive it?

 Cyrsti you said in this article how back then ( the 50's and 60's), we should get the "Car" (I love that metaphor), try it out and go stealth. Back then it was very necessary to do just that for the very few that had the operation. Even back then, gays were treated better than those of us that were transitioning. I remember back then some of the names that even the gay guys used to call us and don't even think that lesbians back then gave us any support. If one didn't disappear, only to become someone new, you took your life in your own hands. If you were lucky you found the underground groups that helped support you. Drag queens were your only friends at times. Today it's a very different world. I wish that back then it would have been at least half as good so I could have been a wife and even a mother.

Thanks Michelle!  I was more than happy to pass along that old horse I have been beating for years about how hard it was to even consider coming out, back in the day.

Page 3.- Checking Gender Levels.  It seems no matter how far I try to run from labels, I get stuck all up in them.  The latest label-rama ruckus here in the Condo involved the relatively new label "gender fluid". I said I think it is a very workable label and semantically very close to transgender.  I translate transgender literally-between genders.  Pat added:The assortment of labels that get attached to us is mind blowing. I would agree that gender fluid can work with your concept of equilibrium.  I agree and like the term.  I think it comes from the younger peeps among us who are trying to find their gender way and is yet another label I would have loved to have embraced in my youth-as I searched.

Page 4.- The Back Page  Semper Fi!   If you haven't had the chance to check out the nothing short of amazing Mtf transformation video here in the Condo yesterday (of the former Marine) be sure to do so! She does an amazing job of describing the trip many of us took to get to where we are and the euphoria we feel.  As I said, I didn't believe the video was real at all until I read the background bio in the latest issue of Frock Magazine.  And YES!  my latest "Frock of Ages" article is on page 50!  

And with that, we are out of here.  The hot humid weather has returned here in Ohio as September approaches and my old dog and I have errands to "walk"  I love you all! Have a good week! 

From the Transgender News Network

Is there one? Sometimes I feel like we have one here in Cyrsti's Condo thanks to all of you who send things along.

The latest comes from Bobbie reporting that a "Fox News Regular" (of course)  was suspended from his own company!

The actual link is from the "Raw Story" site:

According to Adweek, Gavin McInnes has been asked to take an indefinite leave of absence from his position as Chief Creative Officer at Rooster NYC, an ad agency he co-founded in 2010.

The column, ‘Transphobia Is Perfectly Natural,’ proved to be so offensive to readers of Thought Catalog — known for outrageous and contrarian posts — that the website inserted a splash page that appears before the column warning, “The article you are trying to read has been reported by the community as hateful or abusive content.”

Among the least offensive assertions McInnes made in his essay, he wrote:  “We’re all transphobic. We aren’t blind. We see there are no old trannies. They die of drug overdoses and suicide way before they’re 40 and nobody notices because nobody knows them. They are mentally ill gays who need help, and that help doesn’t include being maimed by physicians. These aren’t women trapped in a man’s body. They are nuts trapped in a crazy person’s body.”

Responding to threats  on Tumblr and Twitter to boycott companies — including Vans and Red Bull — who use Rooster as an ad agency, a representative from the company stated, “Gavin’s views are his own and do not represent those of the company or its members. We are extremely disappointed with his actions and have asked that he take a leave of absence while we determine the most appropriate course of action.”

Certainly, this means he will have a lifetime job at Fox?

Thor's Sex Change!

Needless to say the headline "Thor is now a Woman" caught my attention last night when it flashed across my phone. We can only hope this morning, transphobic action comic readers are shaking their heads in disgust!  Is nothing sacred?


From Fox News:  

"Forget David Cameron's much-heralded move to bring more women into the cabinet. Marvel Comics trumped No 10 on the same day by announcing that one of their most established male characters is changing sex.

Thor, who debuted in the Journey Into Mystery title in 1962, has also been the star of two movies in the latest Marvel big-screen series; plus he played a pivotal role in the Avengers cinematic adaptation.

It's hard to imagine a more masculine character than Thor, who is based on the god of thunder of Norse myth: he's the strapping, hammer-wielding son of Odin who, more often than not, sports a beard and likes nothing better than smacking frost giants.

However, Marvel says that a new series written by Jason Aaron with art by Russell Dauterman will re-cast Thor as a female character. The comic, launching in October, is billed by Marvel as "one of the most shocking and exciting changes ever to shake one of the 'big three' of Captain America, Iron Man and Thor"."

Go here for more.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Morning" Edition

"Ker Plunk!" Good morning all and welcome to yet another weekend edition.

Page 1.- The Week in Review.  The week produced no major over riding transgender national stories.  Unfortunately national and international tragedies captured the headlines and attentions of the world. My heart goes out to all of the families.
Around the Condo, we were locally focused.  Our Location, Location, Location post focused on the transphobic problems our transgender sisters have in rural America.I saw a rural transgender woman speak at a TransOhio community meeting a week or so ago and came away with the feeling I was so fortunate to be in the situation I am.  I was taking it for granted I even had the resources to attend the TransOhio Meetings I do.  Many rural trans women live in isolated transphobic pockets and for the most part are forgotten in blogs such as mine.  If you have a experiences pass them along and I promise to share them.

Page 2.- Jan Hamilton's Story.  I noted the documentary detailing the life of the transgender elite British parachute regiment soldier Jan Hamilton. When the "ultra" macho guys come out and explain their stories to the world, so many ordinary peeps are exposed to what our lives are like and the torment we suffer.  All of the sudden, extremely high suicide rates in the trans community don't seem so "far fetched".

Page 3.- Potpourri.- This week, I didn't feel well all week and I'm sure it showed here in the Condo.  We talked briefly about subjects such as reincarnation,   Regular contributor Pat commented on the Hindu religious belief in reincarnation among others.  As I said, it's a concept I don't believe in-or not believe in. Removing all the facts and fictions which surround the concept of reincarnation,  I used to wonder how much past lives had to do with me being a transgender person today.  Unfortunately, I went from there to the "I was crazy" misconception accepted by the psychiatric community.

Page 4.- The Back Page.-After an exceptionally wet and windy day yesterday, I considered the "beating" my hair was going through but this time- from a different angle-the rear.  "Oh no! What did the back of my head look like?" Then, I began to compare the back of my head to the dark side of the moon. You assume it's there but you never see it.  The problem  now is, I have to see it and take care of it. Yet another milestone in my trans journey. For better or worse now, I can't see all of my hair in one place in front of me and style it!

Well kids, that's it for this week! As always I take this moment to send a bit of positive energy your way and thank you all for stopping by the Condo!