Gender is a BIG Deal

 

Image from Dwayne Joe
on UnSplash.

Gender is a huge deal in our society in America and around the world. You can’t go for a minute on the news or social media without someone pointing out how powerful their gender is.

Plus, just consider how many “gender reveal” parties that are going on these days before the child has a chance to choose for themselves. And I won’t even get into intersex children which have to with whatever a doctor decides about their ambiguous gender at birth. How confusing can that be to overcome later in life.

Regardless, gender is a big deal. We are expected to abide by the results of what our genitals are telling us. Not regarding at all what our minds are screaming at us, that something is certainly wrong with what we are being told. For me, it was being shoved into a dark hole with no way out. Mainly because I was born as the eldest son into a very male dominated extended family where women ruled from behind their men. Maybe that is where I learned the hard way on my own, what it meant to be a strong ciswoman. In her own way, mom held the family together in many ways that dad did not as for years, he was busy being the main provider in the family. Leaving me to wonder what I could ever do to follow in her footsteps.

It took me years of experience of being a cross-dresser, then a transwoman to decide which direction my life should take me. Towards the masculine side I was born into, or the feminine side which I kept leaning towards in so many ways. My male gender kept pulling me back to a life which I had become comfortable in and just did not want to let go. More precisely, it took me five decades of searching to finally decide which life I wanted to lead. The one I was currently comfortable in, or the new exciting life I felt so natural living. A homecoming of sorts.

I write often of my experimental gender years when I did my best to learn if I entered the world of ciswomen for good. Since I did not have the feminine upbringing, they did, I had many surprises. Some good, some bad but the bad ones brought with them an opportunity to improve. That was when I found how big of a deal gender was with some people while others just seemed to take it for granted. Such as the gender haters such as TERFS who women who fanatically guard their femininity like some sort of mean gatekeepers who want to keep all transgender women out. Fortunately, in my life, I have only encountered evil TERFS who resented me for just wanting to cross the gender border and live as a transfeminine person. I learned to ignore them and they eventually went away and left me alone.

Then, we cannot ignore the effect of the ultra-masculine and feminine athletes of the world have on the youth they have looking up to them all the time. It is more apparent during Pride month when baseball teams attempt to honor their LGBTQIA+ fans by wearing rainbow themed uniforms and some teams protest.  Can you imagine that happening in the National Football League where over the years, only a few players have come out as gay. Percentages dictate there are more (even transgender players) who are still in their closets in the NFL. Whatever the case, it is obvious gender worship overcomes hero worship most of the time with young fans. At least with the lucky fans who do not have any gender issue problems like I did when I was young. I knew I could never play professional football but as a fallback, could I ever become the woman I dreamed of.

As I continued to attempt to find my way in a new world, I did not know how many stop signs I would encounter. First of all, how I looked then as I improved my feminine presentation, what was I going to do about how I was moving about and communicating with the world. All the way to using the restroom of my choice (women’s). Sure, I was scared to enter women only spaces, but I learned through careful observation that I could use the restroom I wanted to if I was careful to follow all the rules. Which I could write a whole other post about. To put it briefly, the greatest majority of ciswomen I faced in the restroom were just there to do what I was doing, and it was no big deal. They were just going where their gender had always told them to go. I had never had that luxury, so I needed to learn what they had always known. My gender workbook had no chapters on using women’s only spaces.

It was also important for me to get out of the gay venues I was always going to and test the world one on one as myself. There was no way to tell if I could ever be successful as the person I dreamed of if I was always only perceived as a drag queen. I knew it would be difficult for me to be mistaken for a ciswoman in society, but I hoped I could make it as a successful transfeminine person just getting by in the world. The more I lived in this new world, the more I knew how big a deal it was to me and I tried even harder. Mainly to become the friendly outgoing woman I always wanted to be. Going back to my young male days.

I discovered too that I had a huge sense of accomplishment when I was able to carve out a new life for myself. Mainly in the straight venues of the world, I used to frequent often when I was a man. It was all I could ever ask for and so much more.

Gender turned out to be the biggest deal of my life.

 

 

Pride Month

 

Image from William
Fonteneau on
UnSplash. 

These days, specifically, Pride Month means many different things to many different people.

Of course, the deluge of bigotry set off by the orange Taco felon in chief, has emboldened gender bigots everywhere to come out from under their rocks and attack the LGBTQ community as a whole and the transgender community specifically. If you are still in your closet, the bigotry probably has given you pause to consider where to go next with your gender transition, and should you attend a local Pride celebration at all.

Years ago, when I first began to check out Prides on my own, I was not happy with the number of drag queens I saw who ended up representing the transgender community if they were trying to or not. Then there were the cross dressers teetering around on their painful high heels, just to experience a day out. Overall, I saw precious few transgender women like me.

Fortunately, as the years flew by, my views on Pride began to change too. I began to see more and more trans women in the crowd. All the way to the parade marshal’s being transgender also. To me, it finally meant, we as a group were finally claiming our rightful spot under the LGBTQ umbrella, rather than always being left out in the rain. I finally reached a point where I could attend Pride and have a good time with my lesbian friends.

Bringing this all back into the present, it does not matter much what my prior Pride experiences were, it is how you feel about going today, or this month. Of course, there are safety concerns with so many crazies out and about in today’s world. Sadly, it only takes one to ruin it for the rest of us. Also, my mobility issues have severely limited my ability to go at all. So, I cannot go and be seen without lots of pain. I feel too, I did my part earlier in life so others can today.

It could be a decision to attend Pride these days is as personal as it has ever had been. Around here (Cincinnati), there are Prides every weekend. From very big to very small. All give the LGBTQ community a chance to be themselves and mingle with other like-minded individuals. Through rain and shine, I cannot remember never having a great time. From doing table work with the transgender-cross dresser support group I was a part of to going on gay bar pub crawls with Liz on a bus, we tried to do it all. Then there was the time my lesbian friends and I all got together and made the trip to Columbus, Ohio from Dayton to go the biggest Pride in Ohio. Great times were had by all, and I gained confidence as a transgender woman by trying it.

It should be noted, I did not do all this suddenly, and I needed to work my way up to the fun over the years. It is easy to say, but if I did not look out of my closet door and wonder what it would be like to go to a Pride, and try, I would have missed a big piece of my life as I transitioned into transgender womanhood. On the other hand, going to Pride has become an increasingly personal decision with the country where it is now. I know quite a few readers have expressed to me where they are in their transition and how attempting something like going to Pride would be a big risk. The fun part is, for once, you don’t have to worry about passing because people watching is one of the big sports at Pride. Just find a comfortable seat and enjoy the view.

Whatever decision you should decide to make, just make sure you are safe and comfortable in what you decide. Be prepared to collect loads of information from many LGBTQ friendly organizations. Some of which may help you in the future. In the past, at a Cincinnati Veterans Administration Pride (when they were allowed to have them) a man stopped at our table for information and later almost immediately started their transition. So, you never know.

The only other words of wisdom I have is, wear comfortable shoes! I did not for one year and paid the price. Regardless of the party atmosphere at many Prides, it is a solemn occasion when you consider the month was born out of Stonewall Bar protests in New York City. Basically, the drag queens revolted, and change began. It may take another revolt to do it again. In the meantime, enjoy your Pride month. Even if you are doing it in your closet.