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| Image from Engin Arkyurt on UnSplash. |
Growing up as I transitioned from my unwanted male birth gender into my feminine one, often I was intensely lonely. The mirror was no replacement for real people.
Since I was still in the pre-internet generation, I found it
impossible to reach out and socialize with any others with similar gender
issues. I mean, how strange was it that I wanted to be a girl anyway? To make
matters worse, the thought of who I should be dominated my daily thinking. I separated
myself from the rest of the world my age. I lived in a rural area with very few friends to start with, so I had very few potential friends to begin with. To combat my
problems, I did the usual male reaction and internalized everything since I had
no choice on coming out to my parents.
It wasn’t until I learned of the “Tranvestia” publication
and Virginia Prince that I learned there might be a light of my gender tunnel which
was not the train. I learned maybe an entire life of loneliness was not in
store for me. I eagerly read of all the other pretty transvestites in the pages
who managed to even stay married and have a career. Life went on for me in the
1960’s and then, all of the sudden, I had bigger problems ahead than wanting to
be a girl. At that time, the draft for the Vietnam War had me directly in its
crosshairs, with very few alternatives to consider. One of the main ones was
what I was going to do concerning my gender challenges. Somehow, I knew the drill
sergeants in Army basic training were not going to allow miniskirts as part of
the uniform.
Making the best of a bad situation, I enlisted for three
years to attempt being included in the American Forces Radio and Television Service
and thanks to a couple contacts I developed with my congressman, I was fortunate
enough to make it and left home for my three-year tour.
In the Army, I was anything but lonely and my confidence as
a person increased, but at the same time my inner woman suffered. I resorted to
my old habit of daydreaming of what I would do to make myself the most
attractive woman I could following my military discharge. I even dreamed of
which new car I would buy to show up my fiancé who deserted me when I had to
join the Army. Instead of receiving mail from home from a girlfriend or lover,
all I had was me and the letters I received from mom. The forced teamwork
activities of basic training kept my mind off my basics for the most part. Was
I a man or a woman. Certainly, basic was no place to figure it out. I needed to
be the best man I could be to get by.
Time went by and I was awarded a spot with AFRTS which in
turn, kept me out of most of heavy-duty Army duties. I was sent to Thailand,
then Germany so I was able to see and sample two other cultures. Courtesy of
Uncle Sam. Best yet, I was able to fight off my loneliness and even met my
first wife and mother of my child in Germany where she was also serving at the
time.
I suppose you can say I became quite self-contained as a
person by the time I was discharged by the Army. I even went as far as coming
out to my closest friends as a transvestite and my mom when I arrived home. I
was successful with my friends who did not care and rejected by mom who wanted
to send me to a psychiatrist. We never mentioned my gender issues again until
she passed away. Sadly, she never knew (or accepted) she had a daughter instead
of a son.
When I entered the time of my life when I finally learned
and embraced the idea, I was transgender, I entered an entirely different set
of being lonely, primarily because everything in my life was in question
including my sexuality. I quickly discovered on the nights I went out to be
alone, I was attracting much more female attention than male. Which I loved. I
just needed to be careful where I went and who I talked to being a single trans
woman alone. After a couple of close calls, I started to take more precautions
and became safer.
I finally emerged from my loneliest period of my life, which
I call my dark time, with new women friends and even a new wife in my life. Who
I am still with to this day.
Sadly, I still carry the scars of my lonely times in my life,
and I am still very guarded with others. I have a regular reader by the name of “Georgette”
who wrote in and said our transitions never end. I am sure my transition from
my lifetime of loneliness will never end either. But as far as the entire
transgender community as a whole goes, I know I am fortunate.
