Going Out to be Alone?

Every once in while, or especially after the transgender - cross dresser support group meetings I go to, I like to reflect back to the early days when I was exploring the feminine world. Overall I was trying to figure out when and if I could live full time as a transgender woman.

Back in those days, for the most part I was having fun. These days I receive satisfaction from the rare days when I think I look my best. I know years ago when I went out, I liked to think I was going out to be alone.

Let me explain. First of all, I was still grieving the passing of my wife and close friends. I was intensely lonely but was aware any or all of my forthcoming friendships would have to revolve around me as a different gender. Not an easy thing to do.
Liz and I's vacation picture from the "Royal Gorge" train in Colorado.

So I cross dressed all up and went to several of the sports bars I used to go to before as a guy. For the most part I was successful. For awhile I was able to spend an evening in my own little world, thinking no one would notice my secret. It worked when I let nobody in.

As it turned out though, that didn't work very long. I found several people who were attracted to me as a friend regardless of my secret. Essentially, they found a way into my solitary world. Ironically, the people most interested in me were all women and I quickly bonded with them. I did have a couple dates with guys which never seemed to work.

Then I even went on several on line dating sites and found the person (Liz) I was destined to move in with and start a relationship which now is going strong at eight years.

Even at that point, I was still clutching at what remained of my guy self. He just didn't want to let go. It took my partner Liz to kick me totally out of the closet.

So now, I don't have to worry about going out to be alone anymore. I am so fortunate.



Comments

  1. Yeah, I seem to remember something about a date that involved a guy with a motorcycle. I thought, for sure, you were going to become a motorcycle mama! :-)

    It's interesting that you took the route of going out alone back then, and now you go out often with the transgender-cross dresser support group. Do you think it would have made a difference had you gone out with a group years ago?

    I started by going out with the local trans social group, but it didn't take long for me to realize that I had to learn to go it alone in order to really be myself. I had fun with them, but my self-identity just did not line up with the group-identity. Unlike most of them, I found it to be more and more difficult to go out Thursday nights to be "Connie", and then wake up Friday morning to face the world in my male persona until the next Thursday. My wife finally said to me, "You just want all of the fun things about being a woman," and it was then that I realized it certainly did appear that I did. It wasn't true, though, and I took it as a challenge to begin to experience life as a woman in as many different ways possible. Many of those experiences were the same as what would have been in my male life, and, after the novelty of it all wore off, I became totally comfortable facing the good, the bad, and the ugly from a new perspective. Dropping all pretense of my residual maleness just happened along the way, but it happened because I began living those experiences as a part of them - not apart from them. That is, although I had to face them alone, I became involved on an interpersonal level that I never reached before - not as a male, and not as semi-female.

    Funny as it is, I learned how to transition largely from what I learned playing football. I was not really big enough to play, nor was I particularly talented, but I found that going "all in" made me good at my position, as well as a good teammate who could be depended upon. Now, I'm a bit too big to pass convincingly as a woman, and probably not so talented, either. With some hard work and dedication, on and of my own, though, I finally became a good teammate, too - for the other team. ;-)

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  2. How did you like that train ride? I have a trip planned to CO (which may or may not occur due to many factors.) Royal Gorge is not on my bucket list but some of the pix look spectacular. So maybe I'll think about including it!

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