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JJ Hart from back in Ed's and Michelle's time. |
For many transgender or cross dresser women, rarely have we lived a life when we never wanted to go back to our male selves. A common term for the practice is called “purging.”
Like many of you, I have experienced my share of trying to
purge away my gender issues. About the time I thought I was entering a high-profile
stage of my feminine life, I began to feel guilty and wanted to throw it all
away. Then, I learned there were different stages of purging. For example, when
I was purging, I never could seem to throw out or give away all my hard earned,
cherished feminine wardrobe and makeup away. Deep down I always left the door
open to my closet for a return to cross dressing as I called it back in those
days.
Then there was Ed, an acquaintance I had who really defined
purging to me. Ed was a frustrated cross dresser who at the least was having problems
with his family and at the same time dealing with several very serious health
problems. Before he reached a crisis point with his health problems, he decided
to give away all his cross-dressing items. With Ed, that meant a lot. He needed
to empty out an entire storage unit he rented to hide his wigs, wardrobe and
makeup from his family. I turned out to be on the receiving end of his gifts.
He gave me a nice set of silicone breast forms he purchased as well as a
plastic tackle box full of expensive makeup.
What ever happened to him I will never know, the last I
heard from him was decades ago when he was increasingly becoming more and more negative
concerning a transgender friend of ours. Michelle was very beautiful and was
headed towards gender realignment surgery, and I think Ed had developed deeper
feelings for her than just friendship. He never confided in me if that was the
case which leaves me to yet another unclosed mystery in my life. Along with what
my deceased wife would have thought of me if she ever knew me as a more
complete transgender woman.
Even as I continued to progress along my transgender path, I
found myself to be a contradiction of terms. I did not know for the longest
time how I fit in on the gender spectrum. I had an idea I was more than a casual
cross dresser such as Ed was but was I as serious about becoming a fulltime woman
as Michelle was. Being in the middle as always tortured my frail mental health
as I did not know which way I wanted my life to go.
Initially, I decided I could take the pressure no longer and
purged my feminine fashion and makeup…almost. I compromised and did not throw
out my favorite wig, sweater and Ed’s silicone breast forms. So, I had left the
door wide open to return to a life I had always thought deep down, I could
never leave behind. Slowly but surely, I rebuilt my wardrobe, added another wig
and purchased new makeup to fill Ed’s tackle box I still owned.
That was the last time I tried to purge my physical belongings,
helping to calm my transfeminine longings down. Following the many times in
life I attempted to purge my life away from my deep-seated gender desires, I finally
learned that I could not easily throw my real life in the trash. I also lost
track of Ed and Michelle long ago and the last I heard from Michelle was she
had gone ahead with her gender surgeries and was living with a lesbian in nearby
Columbus, Ohio.
I just wish I had the foresight to understand how close purging
was to my overall wellbeing than the obvious. All along, I thought I was trying
to rid my feminine self of her external possessions when in reality, I was proving
the futility of trying to deny the person I was always destined to be.
In a full circle moment, I was able to grow my own breasts
thanks to gender affirming hormones or HRT and donate my silicone breast forms
Ed gave me to a swap out at a transgender-cross dresser support group meeting I
attended. As I mentioned, he had very serious health issues, and I doubt if he
is still alive today. In a moment of clarity, I remembered his full name and searched
for it on Facebook to no avail.
One way or another, I view purging yet another unique
sideline of following a gender path. As far as I was concerned, I not so slyly resisted
completely throwing away all of my wardrobe, shoes, wigs and makeup I acquired.
I never knew when I would go back, I just knew I could.
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