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| Image from Dave Goudreau on UnSplash. |
Sadly, the biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life regarded my biggest truth.
The lie of course, regarded my gender identity. For
simplistic reasons I could say the problem I faced early in life was having a
complete lack of information to lean on. It was back before the internet information
years, and I thought I was the only boy in the world who wanted to be a girl
part of the time.
To compensate for my cross-dressing activities, I was prepared
to lie my way through it. If I was ever caught red handed because of leaving
lipstick on my fingers. Due to whatever circumstances which were beyond my
control and very lucky, I was never caught by my family. Although I always have
wondered if my mom somehow knew but hoped my fascination with her clothes was
just a phase I would grow out of. The best part was, I never was caught or
questioned so I did not have to lie my way out of an ill-advised trip to a
psychiatrist. Back in those days, being a transvestite (the term which was
used) was a mental illness problem. Not something I wanted to face. So, I hid
in fear.
As I weighed the two alternatives, fear or lying, I chose to
internalize the fear I was feeling every time I put on feminine clothes. Once
again, I was able to put off lying to the one biggest person in my life…myself.
All was well until I was discharged from the Army and returned
to civilian life. Once I did, I began to pick up where I had left off with my
gender issues. I even went as far as almost telling my first wife who was also
in the Army and was being discharged several months after I was, to expect a
totally different me when we met again. I was totally thinking of meeting her
as my transfeminine self. As much as I secretly wanted to, deep down I knew I
was not ready for such a big move, so I hid my feelings again and lied my life
away, for a while.
You know what they say about lies, the more you lie, the
more you have to. Just to stay above water. Before long, I was drowning in my
own personal lie, until I met my second wife. She was much stronger than my
first wife who never said anything negative to me at all considering my gender
issues. I often thought wife number one would not protest at all if I told her
I was leaving for a period of time for sex realignment surgery. She was just
too easy, and I divorced her to be with my second wife who also knew of my
cross dressing. Which started out good but deteriorated
I say deteriorated because my second wife did all she could
to support my growing gender issues until I had outgrown both of us. All of the
times she encouraged me to go ahead and rent a motel room and spend the day out
as a woman taught me valuable lessons. First and foremost, I could make it in the
world as my feminine self after all. Then, the big lies started as I began to
go out on my own when my wife was at work, from the house. Which was something
I told her I would never do. By doing so, I began to live the biggest lie of
all, as I was increasingly aggressive in my attempts to do more and more in the
world away from my masculine self.
Naturally, the tailspin I put our marriage into put a strain
on both of us. Especially when she caught me going out. When she did, a massive
fight would break out for days until somehow an uneasy truce would be called. At
times, things would be so bad, my wife told me just be man enough to be a woman.
The problem was, I was still lying to myself thinking I could keep my married
life balanced with my transfeminine one. I just was not that good a juggler to
do it. Again, mainly because I could not face my truth.
Sadly, my second wife passed away before I faced my truth.
Being the wise one in the relationship, she knew me better than I knew myself. Pushing
me to pay attention to what it really meant to be a woman.
Now I just wish I did listen to her and went ahead and
transitioned. Sure, it would have been difficult but living the life we lived
was difficult too and I could have started living with a clear conscience.
Being the stubborn person that I was, I kept on living a lie until I could take
it no longer and finally made the move into a life I could enjoy as a fulltime
transgender woman.
By the time I transitioned most of the important friends I
had known (including my wife) had passed away. Leaving me alone in the world to
carve out a new life in my sixties. It would have been very difficult, but I
wish I had listened to my wife and been man enough to be a woman sooner.
