Trans Fun?

 

Holiday Image, JJ Hart author.

Are we having any fun yet as the holidays are upon us? 

Certainly, it is a tough time of the year as transgender women and trans men face the daunting task of facing unapproving families. Too many of us face a lonely existence this holiday month. In many ways, we are uniquely qualified to face the challenge. For those of us who were ravaged by testosterone poisoning and not gifted by natural feminine features, our path is a steep one to finding any acceptance at all in our transgender womanhood. 

In my sense, there was only brief gender euphoria moments during too many instances of rejection by the public. Every now and then, I would have moments of fun when I briefly succeeded at my goal of successfully presenting as a woman. Then, all too often I would ruin it all by not knowing how to move as a woman or more importantly having any idea how to communicate with the public as the person I had always wanted to be. 

Through it all, I did have enough fun, or at least satisfaction to keep moving forward. To be certain, there was a difference between having fun or being satisfied with what I was doing. To be satisfied meant deep down I felt natural when I was pursuing my feminine dreams. To put it another way, there was a flood of water under my gender bridge primarily in the decade after 2007 when my second wife passed away and opened the door to a total transition into transgender womanhood. If I wasn't hanging out with lesbians in their venues, I was finding my way in big sports bars as a regular. Slowly but surely, I learned I still was alone on my gender path, even though I was meeting and learning from a few of the cis women I stayed close to. It was difficult because I had always trained myself to keep everyone else at an arm's length so I would not be hurt. The difference was now I was finally at the level personally where I wanted to be as my authentic self so I could accept new friends.

If I had liked, it or not I had finally reached the bottom-line where I had always wanted to be. When I did, I began too actually relax and enjoy myself. Which means I was having fun, regardless of myself. Perhaps I was fortunate in that my path forward was complex but maybe not as complex as is the norm these days. Social media contacts were just becoming the norm and maybe it meant the tons of trash I needed to sift through to find my wife Liz was destiny and not luck since she actually sought me out online after reading my profile. Then, there was my public persona which I don't necessarily recommend because I was going out to venues as a single transgender woman. Back in those days at least, one did not have to worry about someone else putting date drugs in your drink while you were not looking. 

Looking back, I did have fun during those days and primarily it was because my confidence in my new self was increasing because of the people around me. I could copy what they did as women and do the best I could. Which was better than I had ever done before. I had paid my transition dues and was ready to face the future.  

Unexpected Reunion

Image from Mickael Gresset on UnSplash

Recently, I experienced a fun unexpected reunion. 

I really don't get out much to test the world as a transgender woman anymore and when I do, normally my wife Liz is with me to run interference with the public. At the worst, people think we are two lesbians. Yesterday, Liz had to work and I was left to run errands on my own. I was not going anywhere spectacular so I went with a simple wardrobe of t-shirt and leggings. Since I was only going to be seen from my car in drive throughs, I did make sure to apply a light coat of foundation and lipstick. My hair as always was a challenge. It has a mind of it's own and yesterday it was a wonderful long wavy hairstyle just waiting to be loosely pulled back to face the public. My goal is to have a style which loosely flows over my shoulders and around my face. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not so much. My hair is the only part of my image which is not age appropriate but I don't care because I went so long in my life being forced into having very short hair. 

My main challenge yesterday was when I needed to take our car to the oil change place we always go to. Making the change into male dominated spaces for some reason has always intimidated me after I transitioned into a feminine world. Perhaps it is because I know from my male past, how some men try to take advantage of women in work situations. I hate to be perceived as a weak woman but on the other hand, it is nice to be thought of as a woman at all. As I wrote, it has been awhile since I had been out on my own and I did not know what to expect when I went to the oil change place. I only knew it would have been nice to experience a reunion with my feminine self being accepted in public.

It turned out, all my fears were unfounded when I was called Ma'am at least four times during my visit. By that time my reunion was real and I felt empowered to finish the rest of my errands. On top of my initial success, all my other stops were easy by comparison. When I safely returned home, I could finally bask in the glow of my gender reunion as well as all the resultant gender euphoria. I should write also, I am spoiled at home by Liz because she has always thought of me as a woman, so I don't have to work as hard on my authentic self. 

Coming up, I have another challenge of sorts when I attend the LGBTQ support group session at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Hospital. In the past, I have attended several others of these sessions which were met with mixed success. I think mainly because of the problem of trying to mix gay and lesbian attendees in with transgender ones. The path to understand each other was simply too great. Especially when the group was not blessed with trans women who were more quiet in their criticism of society as a whole and the VA as an entity. Sure the VA could do more for the transgender veteran but they could do a lot less also. Support in my book has to do with helping those around me more than baseless complaining about things the moderator has nothing to do with.

One way or another, I will see how it goes and since I am retired and not doing much else, why should not I take the time to attend. My experience has told me to hope for the best and expect less and maybe I will encounter someone who I can help. Or, another unexpected reunion.

While I am on the subject of things which are coming up, I need to schedule my annual mammogram and take care of an upcoming dermatology appointment at the VA here in Cincinnati. I have a  growth on my face they want to take a look at. Naturally I hope it is nothing serious and the mammogram I need because of my maternal grandmother passing away from breast cancer. I consider the process as a rite of passage into the female world for me. 

At my age, medical appointments seem to be taking over. I am just hoping for no unexpected medical reunions and more social ones. The reunions where I am one on one with the world and come out as successful. Enabling me to want to be more active again. Plus the fall season is right around the corner. It has always been my favorite time of year and it is time to go through my wardrobe to see what stays and what goes. Who knows, I may have some more unexpected reunions coming up.

"Hair" and Gone

My final visit to my "magician" has come and gone. As I previously wrote about here in Cyrsti's Condo, I am going to have to find another hair dresser to go to. Sadly my regular stylist retired. I found out during my final appointment she is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome. Which causes pain in the hands.

As we said our goodbyes, I almost teared up (damn hormones). As you may recall, she, my stylist, is the one with a transgender son. As always, she worked her magic with my hair and I went upon my way.

My hair grows relatively fast, so I will be on the outlook for another stylist.

Now, onto another topic. fellow Blogger Mandy Sherman  wrote in with a comment about my trip to the auto repair shop:

"Good for you about going to the shop en femme. My mechanics know me, so doing that wouldn't work well...although I go in capris, a blouse, and flats when the weather is warm. Such fun!" 

Thanks Mandy! I thought it was a good time to explain a couple things about me for any of you new comers to the blog. First and foremost, I am a full time transgender woman. Using hormone replacement therapy very much blocked any return to being a male I ever had. These days, I would have to find a way to bind my breasts and tie my hair back to minimally even look male at all. The best I can hope for is to be androgynous...if I ever tried. 

I am fortunate though, because I never run into anyone I knew before my Mtf gender transition. They have to accept me for what I am. 

I like to say, I am a little slow...but not stupid. I knew totally when I entered into the feminine world, all of it wouldn't be a great time. That is why I heard so many times from my cis women friends when I transitioned, welcome to our world. 

As I sum this up, I need to say, I would never give up anything I have earned crossing the gender divide. 

To quote another familiar phrase, "What a long, strange trip it has been." And let me add, a wonderful one too!