 |
| Image from Susan G Komen on Unsplash |
Years ago I experienced having an affair during my marriage with my second wife.
Before you condemn me any more than I condemn myself, the affair I am talking about was with myself. That is right, myself. It happened when my feminine inner soul began to take over my life. What I was doing at the time was rejecting the pledge I had made to her to never leave the house cross dressed again. I became so entranced with how natural I felt in my transgender womanhood, I left the house any chance I could which was often. It turned out, the more exploration I went through, the more I wanted to do. Seemingly nothing was out of reach in the new exciting gender world I found myself in. Sadly, even to the point of leaving the vows I made with my wife behind.
Let me point out also, I had never stepped away from my marriage during the twenty-five years before to be with another woman. Imagine my shock when I finally did, the other woman would turn out to be me.
As is the case with many affairs, the passion was real in the beginning. Then begins to lessen overtime. In my case, the opposite happened. The more I explored and lived as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. I had a real problem on my hands on what was I going to do. On one hand, my wife had told me in no uncertain terms she would not live with another woman and on the other, I did not have the courage to tell her she already was. If I had faced reality, I would have known it was time to jump off the old male ship and begin to live a new life in a feminine world. Even though most likely, it would have cost me our marriage, perhaps we could have at least become friends in the future if she had lived. You see, she died of a massive heart attack at the age of fifty.
The only thing I did do out of desperation was try to purge myself of most of my female belongings before she passed away and I even grew a beard. It turned out to be my last tribute to her and the years we had together.
As with all purges, they don't last for long and one of the first things I did was shave off the beard and turn inward to myself in the lonely tragic days after her death. It took awhile but my inner female took control and let me know everything would be fine. Finally I decided she was right and decided to give up all the guilt I was carrying over the affair I had with myself.
Once I did, my new life as a transgender woman took over. I found new friends and moved on but it took me five plus years to do it. In the meantime, I found all the work I needed to do to play in the girls' sandbox was worth it. I needed to be better than the average cis-woman to survive in the world I chose to live in. I found a woman's life had so many layers to it, I faced a real challenge. As big a challenge as having an affair in your marriage. With yourself.
