That Can Not be Right

Image from Nicola Dowie
on UnSplash. 

 As I was able to fully awaken my feminine self, there were many times when I paused and thought that cannot be right. So many times, when I felt as if I was having an out of body experience when I was walking the sidewalk as the transgender woman I always dreamed of being. 

Then, the more I forced myself out into the world and out of my mirror, the more intense the experience became. I kept thinking the whole thing could not be right. Could I really be becoming the woman I dreamed of becoming. I discovered the hard way that before I could chase my dream, a lot of work would have to be done because no short cuts could be taken. There was always too much to risk in my life such as a spouse, kid, job and friends. Very little of which could I see myself bring along if I completed a male to female feminization project from scratch. As it turned out, my second wife was the main instigator in my transition when she told me I made a terrible woman and it had nothing to do with my appearance. 

She spurred me on to find out what she was talking about which was very difficult to do because I was always outside of the ciswomen’s fence wondering what was happening inside. Somehow, I needed to find a female gatekeeper to let me in which was easier said than done. Because I needed to earn my way in to be admitted by the gatekeepers, which meant a lot more than just looking the part of a woman. I needed to prove I had some of the same experiences that they had to the best of my ability. 

As I think back to the early days when I was admitted into the feminine world, I had always wanted to be a part of, ironically, I needed to go through a problem with impostor syndrome. Or, once I was admitted to the girl’s club, did I really belong there. It was not until I began to be invited to my first girl’s nights outs did, I finally begin to feel as if I truly belonged in a place I was always supposed to be. In addition, being scared to death to go initially did not help me get over my imposter syndrome. One of my first priorities was to be able to relax and enjoy my new surroundings as I wanted badly to participate in all the conversations. I was trying to not appear scared or just standoffish so I would be invited back. I must have been a success because I was invited back and for a change I could think I was in the right place at the right time to be more of a woman on my own terms.

During this period of my life when I was growing into my expanding feminine self, I experienced fewer impostor syndrome moments as I figured I had as much of a right as the next woman to be there. It took me the time and effort to keep trying to experience new things in the world and took me to a place where I could finally do the same things as a trans woman as I did as a cis man. The entire process presented me with extreme gender ups and downs. But somehow a little voice in my head kept telling me I was on the right path if I was ever going to make it to my dream. The only problem I kept having was overcoming all the obstacles which were facing me as a new woman. Primarily because I had so much catching up to do in my life, as I stopped one male version and started a new feminine one with a totally blank gender workbook to start with. Plus, as I always point out, even though I always considered myself a great student of the lives of the women around me as a man, I ended up knowing very little. I had no idea of the complexities of my dream feminine life as a transgender woman which awaited me. 

As I was finally able to settle into the life I wanted, I realized more and more that how I was living and where I was headed was the right thing to do and I should have taken this path long ago. I spent too much time experimenting with joining the female world and less time resolving to just do it. I am ashamed it took the extreme encouragement of my wife Liz, my daughter and other women friends to push me to the gender cliff and over it. It turned out that they knew me better than I knew myself. I was a woman all along hiding behind trying to be a man. 

As I was hiding, I was building up the sometimes-infamous male privileges that come with being a white male in today’s society. I knew as I was transitioning away from all that I had earned what I was losing and would have to face it sooner more than later. It turned out, as I thought it through, I was not losing male privilege, I was just giving it away for something much better. The chance to be myself as a fully out and functional trans woman. A choice I gladly made. I thank the higher source I believe in daily that I made the choice, go on HRT gender affirming hormones, change my legal gender markers and never look back.

If I did look back, I know I would feel that same old feeling again that something is not right. I worked too hard to get to the place I am today as I filled out my own gender workbook to enter the girls' club and be able to play with them in their sandbox. I was not born female, but I socialized myself seriously as a woman. Which is all it took for me to know my new life was as right as it could be.

Hey all of you! Thanks for reading along and comments are always welcomed!