Dream...or Nightmare

Following up on my Cyrsti's Condo post from yesterday, if I had the dream of living as a woman for so long, was I living a nightmare as a guy?

As I look back on it, much of forcing myself to live a macho existence was a nightmare. Especially the closer I got to actual attempting a male to female gender transformation. I wouldn't wish the time on anyone when I was living three days a week as a girl and four as a guy. All of it culminated in a very active suicide attempt.

The whole problem was I refused to accept my true self.  When I did, the pressure was off. Off course I made quite a few mistakes as I was learning how to live on the other side of the gender fence but going through the learning curve was worth it.

As often is the case, Connie has another look on the gender nightmare issue which I would like to share:

"If living a life as a woman is the dream, living the lie has to be the nightmare. It's often the nightmare, though, that causes one to wake up and start living the dream.

I've known you since we were both having our own nightmares. In retrospect, yes, we both could have awakened earlier, but we can only go forward, being happy that our nightmares are over.

From that old song:

Oh, what can it mean,
To a daydream believer,
And a homecoming queen?"

Quoting the Monkee's too, I was the "daydream believer " but never made the homecoming queen! 

Loss of Innocence

Over the years I have watched several drag shows where the drag queens came out later, out of drag.  I must say I was sort of disappointed when my illusion was shattered.  I'm the last person you would think who wouldn't know the drag queen was an illusion.  I suppose too I was always on the outlook for a trans person in the show who I could identify with later.  I don't watch many drag shows though and it has been years since I have seen a real live transgender woman who obviously was on HRT, get up on the stage and perform.

The video I'm passing along on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen goes into the same category. Perhaps you have seen Heidi Phox on YouTube or other places on the web.  She is and has always been gorgeous.  I always wondered though in some spots she identifies as a cross dresser and a transgender woman in others.  I understand now after watching this transformation video.  I give her all the credit in the world for doing it!