Dream...or Nightmare

Following up on my Cyrsti's Condo post from yesterday, if I had the dream of living as a woman for so long, was I living a nightmare as a guy?

As I look back on it, much of forcing myself to live a macho existence was a nightmare. Especially the closer I got to actual attempting a male to female gender transformation. I wouldn't wish the time on anyone when I was living three days a week as a girl and four as a guy. All of it culminated in a very active suicide attempt.

The whole problem was I refused to accept my true self.  When I did, the pressure was off. Off course I made quite a few mistakes as I was learning how to live on the other side of the gender fence but going through the learning curve was worth it.

As often is the case, Connie has another look on the gender nightmare issue which I would like to share:

"If living a life as a woman is the dream, living the lie has to be the nightmare. It's often the nightmare, though, that causes one to wake up and start living the dream.

I've known you since we were both having our own nightmares. In retrospect, yes, we both could have awakened earlier, but we can only go forward, being happy that our nightmares are over.

From that old song:

Oh, what can it mean,
To a daydream believer,
And a homecoming queen?"

Quoting the Monkee's too, I was the "daydream believer " but never made the homecoming queen! 


  1. How about a rewrite of the movie, Carrie, where she is a trans girl? I can only imagine, had I come out in high school in the 60s, what a nightmare that would have been for me. Had I had such powers with which to retaliate, though, I may have tried coming out then. Still, as in the movie, things wouldn't have worked out so well for me then as they finally did by my waiting decades to finally come out. Besides, I never would have believed that I was queen material - prom, homecoming or otherwise.

    1. Every once in a while I used to run into a person who held it against me because I waited so long to come out and be myself. I had a difficult time trying to explain the whys and hows of life back then. Finally, I gave up.

      I like the idea of Carrie, but I am a little short on money :)

      Also, I could never have become a queen...of any sort :)


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