Preparing to Lose

 

JJ Hart speaking at a Cincinnati Trans Wellness 
Conference.

When I first began to explore my transgender womanhood in public, I was rejected so much, I was totally dejected by the whole outcome.

The only thing which kept me going was a deep feeling I was doing something right in my life for a change. Plus, I did experience very brief moments of gender euphoria when for once, I had my feet on the ground and was able to blend in with other women in the world. One night I remember in particular was when I dressed in my best oversized fluffy sweater and short black mini skirt and set out to do a portion of the family's grocery shopping. After shaving my legs and brushing out my favorite wig, I set out for the store which was not too far away. 

Once I arrived at the store, it was early, and I was relieved to see it was almost empty when I went about doing my shopping. Just to prove I could, I picked out a few items I thought we needed and headed for the checkout line where one woman and a young male bagger was working. As I was unloading my cart, I slyly caught the bagger looking me over and when I looked at him, he quickly blushed and looked away. Then I looked at the checkout lady who just gave me a knowing smile and asked if I needed any help taking my items to the car. It was the first time in my life I allowed myself a brief moment to think I looked good enough to fluster a young man. I carried the experience forward with me for weeks because it gave me such good confidence in my new feminine world. 

As we all know, confidence is so important to those of us working our way down our gender paths. It does not matter if we are experienced cross dressers or transgender women, having a healthy sense of confidence in ourselves helps our progress in the world immeasurably. People are like sharks and can spot a weakness in another person a mile away. Even though my newfound confidence was still very fragile, I could feel it growing. Which was all that mattered to me. 

From there, I tried to experience living more of my life as a novice transgender woman doing things a cisgender woman would do. Again, doing a portion of the grocery shopping was an example. Looking back on it now, I am surprised my second wife did not question what I was doing but she never did. Through it all, even though I was being successful for a change in my cross dressing or transgender experiences, somehow, someway I still prepared myself for failure. I suppose it was because I experienced so much failure earlier, I still expected it. 

Then, I began to think about what I was doing and came up with what I was really prepared to lose. Since I had advanced to the point of passing in my presentation, was I prepared to lose more and more of my male world. As much as I did not like it, through out and out effort, I was able to carve out a decent male life, and I needed to decide if I could make it without my spouse, extended family, friends and job. What was I prepared to lose?

Long story short, I decided I felt so good in my new transgender womanhood, I decided what I could lose, and it was everything. I should say, I risked it all for a better life and I had very few things to lose when I tried it. My wife and close friends all had passed away and it turned out my all-important daughter came all out to accept me. So, I was very fortunate. 

All along, I was still prepared to lose, it never really happened to me. I can't take much of the credit because I put myself out in the world and good women responded. They were all I needed to restore more of my inner confidence and start a new life.  

Losing. A Transgender Privilege?

 

Front Cover of Book by
Jan and Dianne DeLap

Is losing a privilege of being transgender? Without a doubt yes. Right now I am reading a book by "Jan and Dianne DeLap" called Living and Loving a Transgender Life Together. Briefly, Dianne is approximately the same age I am (74) and has shared many of the same experiences. Including losses.

Included in her experiences was losing her wife of many years who had transitioned with her and all the trials and tribulations of changing careers to earn a living. In other words, she writes about how much she had to lose to finally live a life as a transgender woman she always wanted. If you would like more information on Dianne's book contact me at Cyrstih@yahoo.com. Or her book is available on Amazon.

Very definitely, it didn't take reading Dianne's book for me to realize when you are transgender you have to realize you may lose some or all of the major facets of your life. Such as losing family, spouses, employment and even housing. You regulars know I write about all the possible losses you may experience from changing your gender often. I use the losses as a way of describing what we do in our lives is in no way a choice. We needed to complete a transition to live. 

As we become more and more involved in a gender transition as a transgender woman, we find out quickly we are kicked out of the "boys club" as we lose our male privileges. It's no secret just one of the main privilege's we lose concerns personal safety. Cis-women grow up with the knowledge of trying to insure their personal safety by not finding themselves in questionable situations. Such as not being alone at night in the dark,  in isolated situations or trying to sense which men may be toxic and dangerous. Transgender woman face the task of catching up to what cis women are taught at an young age to be careful of. I was lucky when I learned the hard way, danger as a trans woman could come my direction also. I wasn't injured but could have been.

One aspect of transitioning I don't write about enough is when we win as transgender women. Many times we win just because we have achieved living a life as our authentic selves. Referring back to Dianne, her life (similar to mine) revolved learning all the aspects of who we were as we continued to slowly understand our true selves. Slowly but surely the realization came to me if I didn't transition I would die. I needed to make the choice before living any life as my old unwanted male self precluded me living at all. At that point, I realized I needed to trade in all my male privilege to simply earn myself a way to continue to live.   

When I finally did summon the courage to follow my ultimate dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman, I began to reap the benefits.  Primarily, my long diagnosed Bi-Polar depression began to  decrease in it's intensity and on occasion, I was even able to locate and enjoy brief moments of happiness which had been noticeably absent in my life. 

So there are ways to recoup the losses I sustained in life when I transitioned. Although I do think my ultimate gender transition will not happen until I pass away. Because I am still living and learning. Most certainly losing is but one aspect of our lives as transgender women and trans men but gaining our lives is worth it.