The Gender Envelope

 

Image from Alexandru
Zdobau on Unsplash.

Sure, I spent or waisted far too many years before I fully transitioned into transgender womanhood.

I was too slow for such a long time actually pushing my personal gender envelope when I was busy telling myself I was no more than part-time cross dresser. I saw no harm in just doing my best to look like a woman until it just wasn't the answer I was looking for. The more I cross dressed and improved my feminine presentation, the more I pushed the envelope and looked for more. Very quickly, my yearly Halloween adventures just were not enough.

I began to wonder if I made a good impression at Halloween, could I make the same impression if and when I tried to go out in public as a novice transgender woman. Following many trials and error experiences, I found I could survive a public which largely did not care about me. The big error I always point out is when I was not receiving any attention to speak of as a woman, I began to dress trashy to attract the wrong sort of attention. I was mistakenly pushing my gender envelope the wrong way. When I finally began to understand the best ways to dress my male body and apply the proper makeup, did I begin to be successful and blend in with other women in the world. 

Once I had accomplished all of the fashion, hair and makeup necessities, I allowed myself to further push my gender envelope. When I did, I found myself needing to understand how women exist in the world. Or how do they communicate with other women and men. I had a quite a bit of catching up to do since I was attempting to catch a moving train heading down the tracks. I did not have the benefit of growing up female with a mother or peer group to guide me. I always point out; the passive aggressive system of interaction most women operate under was the most difficult for me to learn. Since childhood, I was always used to the full-frontal confrontational world men operate in so I was attempting to survive in a whole new world.

Once I did survive, I began to push even harder, ignoring warnings from my wife on what would happen if I was ever caught. I put the male gay bars behind me and moved on to big sports bars and lesbian bars where I could actually be myself. I thought I had reached my peak when a dear friend of mine invited me to a trip to a NFL Monday Night Football game in Cincinnati. Even though I was very scared at the thought of going, I could not turn down a chance to empty my envelope and lay my gender cards on the table. Since I am not really a gambler, I hoped the lifetime of preparation I put into this moment would serve me well. 

The moment did serve me well. As always, I survived and became a better woman for it. Plus, I learned the game was only the beginning. The life in my transgender womanhood I was going to experience, would be extremely fulfilling and everything I thought it could be when I started pushing my gender envelope.