Destiny or Blind Luck

 

Image from Maia I on 
UnSplash.

As I mention often, escaping the restrictive male box I was born into turned out to be not an easy task. So difficult that I wonder how I ever made it and consider if destiny or luck was involved.

Since my life was laid out for me in what I was supposed to do with my male privilege, the choice to be a female was not included. I was expected to grow up, be intelligent enough to go to college and marry another woman from the college I was attending and help the family’s genetic pool flourish. Not much of that happened as I did go to college but never met the girl of my dreams enough to want to spend the rest of my life with. In fact, I had the sneaking suspicion the only woman I wanted to spend that much time with was me. Several obstacles were stopping me such as the male box I was in and my problems escaping it.

It turned out, the only serious feminine relationships I had were my form of the gay term “beards”. I just needed a ciswoman by my side to convince the world that somehow, I was “normal.” The same way some gay men use a wife and kids to somehow hide their true selves from the world, I was doing the same thing. Over the years, I discovered that was not so much the case because I was learning I just liked being around women much more than men. So, it was more of a destiny sort of thing coming through as I would realize later as I went through my male to female femininization transition.

Just using the femininization term might be wrong because I was just expressing what I had always known about myself but could not bring myself to express. All I needed to do was refine the process of how I was ever going to achieve the goal of living full-time as a transfeminine person. Far from the casual cross-dresser I was lying to myself that I was. That was when I went through another major gender transition. As I mentally moved away from my cross-dressing mentality, back to an idea I had so long ago when I was admiring myself in a mirror at home in dress and makeup. I thought then this was fine, but there had to be so much more. As in me being a girl myself.

For the longest time, I went through differing stages of emotion all the way to a self-pity form of being a victim to a problem that I knew little about and felt that I was the only boy in the world that wanted to be a girl. Then along came the world of computers and social media and the world opened to me that I was far from the only pseudo male who wanted to be a ciswoman and did not care what it took to get there. I quickly discovered too, by going to “Tri-Ess” mixer/socials that I was not going to find my answer there either. I did not find that magic friend that I could talk about my gender secrets with because everyone I met was not enough woman for me, or too much when it came to the rare transsexuals in the room.

I did what I always had done, I went back to my own feminine drawing board and at the same time continued to be an intense student of every woman around me. Destiny, not luck was driving me forward in a single-handed pursuit of my unique womanhood. The problem was I became a very selfish person with only a couple goals in mind. Advance my femininization process and, at the same time, advance in my job so I can finance it. I knew for sure destiny had me a comfortable seat on a runaway train and I just had to make the best of it. Another obstacle which kept popping up in my way was the fact I could never make it across the gender border and behind the so-called sacred gender curtain without help from my destiny. My wife said it best when she called me a terrible woman and it had nothing to do with how I looked. The fact was that I still had years of socialization to go through before I could truly say I did not make a terrible woman and she was wrong.

I thought that since I was “making” something, I better do a good job at it. Since very few humans have the chance to stop their old life and start all over again. Except that was not entirely true as I began to think about it, destiny and being female was always apart of me. I just did not know how to express it. It turned out to be on me to learn to express myself the way I needed to be to do more than survive in the world I was in, I wanted to thrive as a transgender woman. A world I was in a rush to learn as much as I could to experience. My woman was always living rent free in my head and wanted more, and I was ready to give her more access.

With extra access, my life became easier to live as I was able to feel comfortable in my new feminine life. My vision of destiny became easier to understand too as there was no luck with what I was doing. I had earned every bit of my progress by living it and it all felt so normal. Sure, as I always point out, there were many obstacles in my way. Including a strong constant denial coming from my old declining male self. Who was a “self” in title only as all his male privileges were slipping away. I had good teachers who taught me where my true validation in life should be from…myself, especially from other cismen who were resentful that I had left their club.

I had claimed my freedom from their club, and what I always wanted to do was claim my destiny. There was no luck with it.

 

 

 

 

Who Had it Easier

 

JJ Hart

The most ridiculous understatement I ever made to myself was thinking how much easier women have it in their lives than men do.

Those were the simpler days of just envying all the girls around me for their ability to wear pretty clothes when I was stuck in my usual boring male attire. As you can tell, my adolescent thought patterns about gender were much shallower back in those days. All I knew was I was having issues with going through male puberty and all its hair and added angles to my body while the girls were adding all the curves I so desperately wanted. It was about that time when I started to further torture myself by having dreams of being a pretty girl when I just had to wake up again to the same old world, I was so tired of at such an early age.

Another benefit I saw from the outside from being a girl was on the dating front. From my ultra shy vantage point, boys had to do all the work to chase a girl but gave it no thought to be a girl with no boys having any interest in you at all. It seemed all my ideas came from the problem I had for years of not being allowed to see behind the gender curtain to go through the insecurities of a girl’s puberty. As their bodies ramp up the necessities for possible childbirth later in life.  Which leads me to this, the incredibly short period of time a ciswoman has to level out their hormones and have the chance to live a so-called normal life. First, they have to go through puberty which shapes their bodies then go through child birthing years which strain their bodies and then go through menopause to reduce all the hormones again. Not to mention all the monthly menstrual periods most women must live with too.

In the days when I was busy with just being the “pretty, pretty princess” as my wife called me, she was taking me to task about never experiencing the so called downs of being a woman because I just wanted to appear as one, perfect my makeup and wear my pantyhose and heels as much as I could. For years, I went on clicking my merry way in my heels not giving much thought to what she was telling me. It was not until many years later that my heels finally led me to a path where I could finally learn what she was talking about.

Essentially, what I was able to learn from being a transgender woman and being able to live on both sides of the gender border was that both genders have their challenges. That humans are born as male and female, then get socialized (if they are lucky) into men and women. We transfeminine persons just were born into an unwanted male gender and were socialized into our chosen lives as trans women. The whole process gives us a deeper understanding of the world as we look into who has it easier in life, ciswomen or men.

Since the socialization process of being a male was what I was born into proved to be partially successful one for me, I have always thought men have had it easier. And women have it harder because they must put up with men. Even though, my gender dysphoria issues made me difficult to live with as a husband, I somehow have always found a woman to make the journey with me. Someday, I will have to write a post on the differences of my three wives during my life.

As I continued in vain to find the easy way out in my life, being a guy was the way to go as I found success in being able to bluster my way through in many situations and in others wondering how I would approach them as a transgender woman.

Finally, my gender travel took me behind the gender curtain where I could hear firsthand the experiences of all my ciswomen friends. It was not until then did I realize the grass was not always so green on the other side of the binary gender border. The only problem I did have was reversing all my experiences in the conversations we were having from male to female, so I did not out myself to my friends. I knew I was beginning to be successful when strangers outside of my circle of friends began to ask me questions on what to do about getting along with their boyfriend. I was flattered that other women had trusted me with their problems and were looking for input.

My own socialization journey had taught me that neither gender had it easier. Stereotyping here, men largely bluster and run when they can’t get their way and women are left to raise the kids and pick up the pieces. It is difficult to take such a complex subject such as gender and not stereotype something about it at some point, so I apologize.

I am sure that no matter where you are on your gender journey, you will encounter your own set of standards when it comes to the male and female genders and where you fit. It will certainly be an interesting journey with many individuals trying to tell you to stop. At that point, you must decide if maybe you have had it more difficult than either of the two main binary genders you have encountered. Many of them simply will not have the understanding it takes to approve of your journey, and you will have to move on. But, on the other hand, there could others who approve of you and even want to help. Just be careful that you know which is which.

When it comes right down to it, that girl you envied from afar in study hall, all the way to the woman whose fashion and passing privilege you admired so much both had their own problems to deal with. You just must get behind the feminine gender curtain to figure out just what they were.

 

 

 

 

I Had to do Something Right

 

Image from Mark Farias on Unsplash 

In my dark days of confusing cross-dressing, I vaguely knew I was doing something right. Or at least I thought so because I could not wait to try it again.

Looking back, it was the brief moments of gender euphoria which clouded all my doubts about my gender and kept me going. Even through the nights when I was the laughingstock of teen girls in malls, a little voice kept telling me to keep going and eventually I would improve my overall feminine presentation so that I would blend in and not get noticed. Along the way, I even needed to lower the expectations I was putting on myself to keep going. I was never going to be the most attractive woman in the room, but at least I could still be like most ciswomen I saw and live a decent life. Even though I started to feel this way, I never gave up the idea I could do better with my makeup, fashion and hair so I could survive. Simply because I was enjoying the experience so much.

Later on in my life, doing something right extended to my interaction with the world as a novice transgender woman. I was surprised when I attracted more attention from ciswomen than men and just thought they were curious about me and were welcoming me into their worlds, while men were just the opposite. Most resented the fact I was leaving all of the male privilege behind (along with the good old boys’ club) and moving to the other side of the gender border. I did not care because my need for companionship was being satisfied and I had always gotten along with women easier than men most of my life. Increasingly I found I never wanted to go back to the male life I was attached to by a spouse, family, friends and jobs. It seemed the longer I waited, the more male baggage I was building up when I really did not want to.

The next problem I ran into was the impostor syndrome I was feeling. Specifically on the girls’ nights outs I was invited to. It never failed that right in the middle of me enjoying the evening, I had suspicions sneaking up on me that I did not belong there at all. I was an impostor in a scene made up of women who had worked their entire life to get there. It took me awhile to come to the conclusion that I had worked my entire life also to make it to my own version of womanhood, and I deserved as much as the next woman to be attending. Fortunately, I received very little negative feedback from other women attending the get-together, so I did not have to face my impostor syndrome at all. I was doing something right for a change to even be invited to such special women only events.

I was able to take my experiences with girls’ nights out to my everyday life primarily because it built my confidence as a transfeminine person so much. With my newfound feelings, I worked even harder on my makeup, fashion and hair to appear more feminine than ever before. Primarily, I learned the power of contouring and colors on my face from professional makeup artists I met at the cross dresser-transgender social mixers I went to. One in particular, took the time to explain what he was doing in terms I could understand and repeat on my own. It was a powerful experience when I had to set my makeup ego aside and learn better results from a professional. From that point on I worked on taking weight off, so I had a better opportunity to find and buy more fashions that flattered my male figure at the many thrifts stores I frequented. When I arrived at that point, the problem then became getting out of the mirror and started putting my new improved feminine self into motion in the world. It proved to be the most difficult part of me doing something right.

Suddenly I had to consider how I was moving as I tried to mimic the unique way ciswomen move and put all my male linebacker moves behind me along with the scowl on my face I was used to wearing as my male defense mechanism. And the most difficult issue of all was learning to communicate one on one as a woman. I knew with certainty I would have issues with my communication, but not to the point that I did. I even went to the extent of taking vocal classes to improve my feminine basics and be able to talk easier in the world with women and men. It just made sense to do if I was continuing to do something right.

It turned out, the more I did right and received positive feedback, the more I wanted to do to refine my feminine approach as a transgender woman. Because I always had the belief, I needed to be better than the average ciswoman to just survive behind the gender curtain. When I was just trying to do something right, on occasion I paused to reflect on how far I had come along my gender path to arrive where I was. I did remember that scared little boy dressed in his mom’s clothes in front of the family’s hallway mirror, wondering what was next. For the most part, back in those days, there was very little to let the young boy know he was doing anything right.

Somehow, I survived all the negative feedback and impostor syndrome problems and continued forward to a better world. One I wanted to be in and dreamed of my entire life. As I love to say, as with any woman, I needed to socialize myself into the world. Being born female does not automatically make you a woman, you must learn to be one. The same was true for me. I just took a radically different path to earn my womanhood. I needed to do many things right to arrive at my dream.

 

 

 

 

Wishing and Hoping never Made it For Me.

 

Image from Abbot
on UnSplash.

Sadly, just wishing and hoping that we can make it to our feminine dreams just won’t get us there.

Since most of us started our gender journeys with very little natural external characteristics of the gender we want to become, it makes our struggle even more difficult. Even more so when you consider how far trans women like me had to go to hide my true self so I would not be bullied by the men around me. I played sports such as football and worked on cars to hide the fact I did not really want to follow a male path.

In the deep, dark recesses of my closet I spent my time wishing and hoping time would come along to magically change me. We all know how that worked. It did not and I grew more frustrated as I spent my meager leisure time wistfully cross-dressing in front of the mirror at home in the long hallway we had. After the initial success I felt from looking at my imagined self as a pretty girl, I knew it was just not enough. Looking back, I was going through the early stages of being transgender without having any of the terminology to go with it. In the meantime, I needed to keep my public charade alive of making the world think I was male.

Then, along came the shock of puberty with all its unwanted physical changes such as size of body and bone structure. I was helpless as all the changes took place and I was depressed that I was moving farther away from the feminine person I always wanted to be. All I could do was wish and dream for change which never worked. I finally had to do something about it, the pressure on me was intense. The little trips to the mailbox when I was dressed as a girl just were not enough anymore, I could no longer just exist on that little interaction with the world as I introduced my true self.

Early on, once I grew older and found a place of my own, I did venture out into shopping malls and often the experience was brutal. No matter how good the mirror at home was telling me I looked, the public quickly told me something else. Too many times I had to come home early crying because of being laughed at by groups of teenagers I attempted to dodge but couldn't. Fortunately, something deep down inside me kept telling me to keep trying to get better with my make-up and fashion and maybe then I could present well enough to get by in front of the mirror and the public both. The brief moments of gender euphoria I experienced were the indication I needed to know there was indeed more and I was on the right path after all.

Once I did discover I was on the right path, then I needed to stay on it and try to navigate all the blind curves, potholes, and stop signs I encountered. Initially, I was naïve and was not prepared for everything I was about to face. I thought I had a fairly good idea of what was behind the gender curtain with the ciswomen I would have to coexist with, but I did not. All of what I was seeing was the pretty clothes and passive aggressive nature without seeing all of what went into it later as I actually made my way into the world. I really misjudged how complex and layered a woman’s life could be if I decided to follow along.

At first, I thought I needed some woman to show me the way but again was so wrong when I tried. By the time I did, I actually had a better knowledge of makeup than she did, so basically, the whole experience was wasted, and I knew I would have to go up my path on my own if I was going to be successful as a transgender woman. Then, I had to figure out what being a trans woman meant to me. As in my earliest days in front of the cross-dressing mirror, I knew I wanted so much more, and I knew it would involve my evolution into a unique woman of my own. As with any other human born female, I knew they needed to be socialized into being a woman and so did I. It just was because my path to womanhood came from a different way than most women but that should not exclude me. Once I felt secure with feeling this way, I freed myself to more completely live my truth in the world with people who accepted me

Surprisingly, I had fewer problems than I anticipated when my trans friend Raquel told me I passed out of sheer will power, that became the story of my life. I was not trying to “fool” anyone into thinking I was the most attractive woman in the room. I was simply announcing my truth to the world, and they could take it or leave it. No more wishing and hoping for me, if someone did not like or approve of me, that was their problem not mine as I paid my dues to be where I was.

As I look back at all the wishes and dreams I had when I hoped to somehow live my dream as a transfeminine person, I know I wasted a lot of my time which I could never get back. Once I did get my late start and began to make up for lost time, I did begin to learn what I needed to survive in the girls’ sandbox once I was allowed in it to play. Once I did, I resolved to never look back and enjoy what I helped to create. A woman with an unique background allowing her to arrive at where she wanted to be.

Before I wrap this post up, I would like to thank Sara E for writing in and commenting. She is in a similar position as most of us went through. A married man, working through her feminine side.

Thanks to all of you who take the time to read my writings and comment!

 

 

Gender Evolution

 

Image from Kyle
on UnSplash.

After all these years of pursuing a male to female gender transition, I view the process as evolution.

I am biased, but I think I have been fortunate to have lived through all the ups and downs of gender dysphoria to be able to have an up close and personal look at how both of the two main binary genders live. Similar to being able to actually live on the economies of Thailand and Germany when I was in the Army during the Vietnam War. By living on the economy, I mean I received off base housing and food pay from the Army, so I went on base only to work. Seeing how other societies work did wonders for my young self.

It took much longer to do the same thing when it came to my gender issues. I knew they were always there from a very young age, but I had no help to discover what my issues really were. I needed to live my life as a transgender woman to learn what I needed to do to achieve my childhood dream of living as a woman. No being a doctor or lawyer for me, I wanted to be a woman. At the time, I was naïve and thought all I needed to do was work on my appearance in the mirror and I could reach my dreams.

As my gender evolved, I needed to evolve as a person with it. What kind of a woman would I become became a major issue. I could be a standoffish bitchy woman, or a worldly feminine being who enjoyed being herself in the world. Ironically, my male self-helped me to arrive where I wanted to be. He had over the years provided me with ciswoman role models to look up to and try to evolve into overtime. When you added a potent mix of male and female into my personality, I ended up with the perfect mix. Even though I was appearing more and more as a female, my old male self-provided me with a firm base to evolve.

One aspect I do not want to underplay is how long it took me to do all of this. As I evolved, I began to make mental mini bucket lists of things I wanted to do in my exciting yet terrifying transfeminine world. The only problem I had with making bucket lists was I was spending too much time in my male life daydreaming of the next time I could be feminine. All too often, my gender lines blurred, and I needed to make sure I kept my male and female lives separate. It was intensely difficult for me to do as I was increasingly discovering I wanted and could pursue a life as a transgender woman I always had wanted to do and still was unable to do because of the male life I had worked so hard to build. The pressure just kept on building as I continued to try new things as my feminine self. I was in an intensely lonely world at the time as I left my closet.

I evolved to a point where I was able to create an entirely new person from the two, I had left behind. I transitioned again from being a basic weekend cross dresser into an accomplished transgender woman who could blend in with the world at large. Suddenly, I went from being shy and backwards to being confident and aware of my surroundings. Which I found I needed to stay safe in my new world. It was then I found many women were curious and friendly towards me while nearly all the men ignored me. Which I had no problem with as I had evolved past caring what they thought.  They had kicked me out of the men’s club.

As I look back at this time of my life, it seems to be a blur of activity.  Since I had changed my gender outlook in the middle of my life, I was learning from watching my new women friend’s what life was all about. Primarily, since most of them were lesbians, I found I did not need the validation from men to feel good about myself as I fit in with them. Evolution felt so good, I wanted more out of my new life. Again, I was fortunate when my wife Liz approached me online and we struck up a love affair which lasts till this day. I never thought I would ever find someone to love me as a sixty-year-old transgender woman at all, but I did.

My final evolution turned out to be wonderful, and I understand now why all the gender bigots hate us so much. We transgender women and trans men have had the chance to do what they never have had the chance to do. Experience both sides of the binary gender experience. The haters will just have to work their way through it. We have evolved and they have not.

 

               

Someone is Paying Attention

Image from Alena Garrett
on UnSplash. 

One thing I immediately noticed when I left my mirror and went into the world as a novice transgender woman was when I was suddenly noticed more by both primary genders, male and female.

Of course, being raised in an unwanted male world, I knew how many guys made a big deal about the appearances of the women around them. What I was not prepared for was the amount of attention I received from other women. Especially, younger ones as teen girls were especially observant. I cannot or prefer not to recount the times I was stared down by a group of teenaged girls or younger. 

My primary example was the day I was out shopping in the racks of a women's clothing store when around the corner came a small child who startled me. Obviously, I startled him also because he ran back to his mother (who was close by) and said, "Look at the BIG woman!" Initially, I was relieved because he had called me a woman. Then he continued and said, "The big MEAN woman." Naturally, I learned a big lesson. The BIG mean woman should always be prepared to be friendly, which means I needed to immediately learn to wipe that old male scowl off of my face. If that was all I needed to do to not scare little kids, it was an easy lesson to learn. 

For a while, I was intimidated by all the attention I was receiving until I began to understand where it was coming from. The more I dressed to blend in with other women, the less attention I received from men. Primarily, because I just wasn't that attractive. On the other hand, the increased attention from women came from the fact most of them were just curious what I was doing in their world or were appreciative of my efforts to look the best I could. If I had a dollar for every time I was complimented on my jewelry or earrings, I would be a rich person now. 

It took me time but eventually I learned my lessons well and adjusted to the fact, my appearance as a transgender woman was a fact of life and in many ways a form of female privilege I needed to live up to. My observations made me work even harder on my feminine presentation. In other words, it was all part of my rite of passage into transgender womanhood. Plus, in many ways, I needed to work even harder to present well than the average cis-gender woman who was just getting by because she happened to be born female. Which, by the way, did not automatically allow her to be a woman. Neither gender birthrights allow them the permission to claim an automatic right to claim a title of man or woman. Which comes from socialization. 

I learned if someone was paying attention, I should make the most of it and adjust to my new surroundings. Once my confidence built to a point I could do it, I was able to project a strong feminine aura. When I did, questioning my gender became someone else's problem. Not mine.

Not Scared? In the Wrong Room

 

Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash.

I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was to interact with the public when I first began to attempt to live in the public's eye.

One night in particular always stands out in my mind. It was the evening when I had pre-determined my cross-dressing days were behind me and I was going out as a transgender woman. Furthermore, I knew if I was successful, it would change my life forever. As I prepared for my big night out, I took extra care with my outfit, makeup and hair. I wanted to make sure I blended properly with all the other women I would be interacting with at an upscale bar I was going to which was heavily frequented by professional women who worked at a nearby mall.

Once I made the short trip to the venue and found a parking spot relatively close to the front door. As I sat in the parking lot, the pressure to go in increased dramatically. As I nervously checked and adjusted my makeup in the car's rearview mirror, again and again the fact was not lost on me I could be changing my life forever. By the time I gathered my courage to actually enter the venue, I could barely breathe and was gasping for air. 

It took me awhile to gather my courage and enter the front doors of the place and interact with the hostess stand. Deep down, I was hoping the hostess would be busy seating other patrons so I could sneak on through and find a seat at the bar. The short distance from the hostess stand to the bar seemed to be miles to me but I made it and luckily found a corner seat at the bar by myself. Plus, the bar itself was supported by two large thick pillars. I figured if I found a seat next to one, I could blend in and hide if I needed to. I did not need to hide as I was approached for my order by a friendly bartender. 

Immediately, my fears began to melt as I ordered my first drink and even started to relax a bit and watch all the other women who had begun to arrive at the bar to enjoy each other's company. As I observed the group, I saw no one was noticing me. So far, so good. No one noticed a very scared novice transgender woman in their group. 

Of course, this evening was only the beginning of my new transgender journey. I knew my life had changed forever. I could never go back to the old unwanted, boring male life I was living. To move forward, there would be many nights when I would be very scared. Somehow, I learned to feed off my fear to propel me forward. No longer was I a weekend cross dresser, I was reborn as a very serious transgender woman.

My end game was using fear to refine my push forward by putting extra time and effort into my fashion and makeup. That way, when I needed to walk past a crowd of strangers in a new venue I was in, I could do it without any issues. 

I finally decided, if I did not feel any fear at all, I was in the wrong room. Especially, in today's climate, it pays to always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe fear is a strong word, but awareness is not. 

Trans Girl at Black Friday

Woman Shopping on UnSplash.

As I advanced on my feminine path to transgender womanhood, at certain points I needed to do more and more traditional feminine activities which cemented my claim to be a trans woman.

One of those was joining all the women in the world who were out and about shopping for the bargains bright and early on "Black Friday" or the day after Thanksgiving. My second wife for years was part of the crowd and made sure she was one of the early shoppers. 

Of course, I always wondered what the attraction was to go out and battle all the crowds, except for saving a little bit of money. Finally,  many years of wanting to shop with my wife as another woman came to an end but suddenly, on the other hand, I had the chance to shop on "Black Friday" as a woman by myself. Along the way, my second wife became the assistant manager of a large bookstore and of course "Black Friday" was one of their biggest days. So, I knew in advance she would have to work and I arranged my schedule so I did not. 

On the morning of shopping, I was excited as I prepared myself for a morning I had only ever dreamed of. First I did all the shaving preparation, including face and legs. I needed to calm down before I dressed in my favorite bulky sweater along with my best denim skirt and comfortable flat walking shoes. Then I began the more crucial part of applying my makeup and wig after I had calmed down...somewhat. After I reached what I considered to be a good presentation which would blend in with all the other women shoppers I would encounter, I gathered my courage to leave the house and head to a nearby upscale mall which I was very familiar with.

Unbelievably, in a very crowded parking lot, I found a space close to one of the entrances. As I checked my makeup and hair for the final time, I thought back to all the times I wondered what it would be like to shop with the other women on "Black Friday" and here I was and into the mall I went. My initial reaction was one of calm because no one was watching me, they were on a mission to find the best bargains and complete their shopping lists to bother about a transgender woman in the crowd. 

Since I wasn't really there to shop anyhow, I just browsed a few stores and bought a few small gifts for my wife before my shopping came to an end. After all, I had accomplished my goal of experiencing "Black Friday" shopping up close and personal as my authentic self. It was another item I could check off of my transgender woman bucket list.

Time flew by and  I needed to be back home to change back into my old boring male clothes to go to work, I needed to bring my dream day to an end earlier than I liked. 

Possibly the biggest lesson I re-learned that exciting day was the power of blending in with the rest of the women around me. As long as I could accomplish looking similar to everyone else, I could present well enough to get by. My first Trans Girl at the "Black Friday" shopping experience was certainly worth it.

Trans Woman in the Sisterhood

 

JJ Hart on left out with Friends.

I write often concerning my gender transition into transgender womanhood. 

Sometimes I wonder if I emphasize the complexity of doing it. Securing a place for me in an unwanted male world seemed to be so simple. Men have just a few power bases to interact with as they proceed through life. Such as money, or athletic prowess. Plus many males never have the chance to grow into manhood at all and never mature into quality human beings. 

Women face the same hurdles. Many females never make it  to womanhood. Which is a socialization process. Transgender women face additional obstacles during their journeys to be accepted into the sisterhood. As my second wife always told me, I did not really know the gender processes cis-women go through and she was right. I had not earned my right to be there...yet. It was not until I made it out of the mirror and into the world did I begin to learn what she meant. In many ways, she forced me to learn it on my own without her help. She was much wiser than I was but I was stubborn and determined to learn on my own about what being truly accepted into the world of women meant.

First of all, I needed to discover women operate in a parallel universe than men and somehow I needed to slide behind the feminine curtain and learn from other women how their world was run. I discovered that just like men, there were the alpha women who once they accepted you, you were in. With women, the difference was they were much more layered than men. Take appearance as an example. While I started out obsessing on how I looked, other women around me were noticing how I acted. I needed to walk a thin line with my communication efforts with women. On one hand, I was the quiet observer of what was going on but on the other hand, if I was too quiet I was coming off as too aloof or worse yet, bitchy. In the end, I was able to walk the communication tightrope and survive in a new exciting world as a transgender woman.

The biggest surprise I continued to have was how layered the whole experience was and is. Take conversations about children as an example. Women who have birthed kids share a special bond with other women who have done the same. I needed to interject my daughter and grandchildren experience on occasion without going too far. I felt the entire process femininized me and kept me behind the gender curtain. Being apart of the group was good. 

After awhile, being in the sisterhood had it's rewards. I mostly socialized with two or three cis women all the time which kept any potential problems from materializing. I was able to be protected from being a single woman out by herself and learn about the life I wanted to live in the meantime. One evening at a time, I was earning my way into my own level of transgender womanhood. Many times the process was scary. Such as the evening I went to a pro-football game with friends but the offer was too good to turn down no matter how frightening the situation was. Since it happened when I was first climbing away from my dark closet into the world. 

In so many ways, I owe several women friends whom I always say helped me more than they will ever know. They ushered me into being a trans woman in the sisterhood. 

Ironically, it was only the beginning as I needed to keep building on the feminine experiences I was having. A prime example was when I moved in with my wife Liz in Cincinnati. When I did, we started to attend small meetup groups with total strangers which added to the layer of meeting and being accepted by other people. The entire process for the most part was very positive and a great way to immerse myself even farther into the sisterhood. 

Transgender Safe Spaces

This afternoon is my oldest grandson's birthday party/dinner. Without hesitation, my wife Liz and I said we would attend. Not so long ago, my response would not have been so quick or so easy. Similar to so many of you transgender women and trans men, I went through significant stress finding a safe place to go to and explore the limits of my new authentic self. 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

The first venues I tried were the primarily gay bars where I discovered quickly I really wasn't welcomed. After all the vast majority of the gay men in the space were looking for other men and only viewed me as another drag queen. If there wasn't a drag show scheduled for the night I was there, I was totally out of place. It did not take me long to seek out other so called safe spaces where I could attempt to learn to live my new life. 

A few of the venues I chose did turn out to be safe while others not so much. First I tried a couple of small lesbian bars I discovered in the Dayton, Ohio area. Both were former biker bars. One maintained that image for lesbians While the other was certainly more mellow and welcoming. The first place always made sure I never felt welcome while the other was the opposite. Primarily because it turned out my male self knew one of the bartenders. The only problem I ever ran into in the second venue was when I was forced into singing karaoke by a very masculine lesbian. I don't sing at all, so it was quite the challenge. It wasn't so long after that the place closed for good and I was forced to find other safe spaces to go to.

Since I was already the general manager of a very popular and busy casual dining bar/restaurant, I knew with some certainty what I could do to develop another safe space or two to go to. I found I was successful in locating a couple and decidedly not successful in trying to become a regular at others. So much so, I had the police called on me when I tried to use the restroom. I easily explained my situation to the cops and was sent on my way. I did manage to become a regular at three other sports bar type restaurants and even received rest room privilege's in the process. Plus when I finally established myself with a small group of friends I came with, I became ever more of a regular. I enjoyed my space spaces immeasurably and was able to grow my feminine self. 

Outside of a couple isolated instances, I never went back to the gay venues again. Where I never did really fit in. 

As far as my daughter's in laws were concerned, I write often concerning how accepted I was as a transgender woman. I think I was more concerned about how I would be treated than they were. After all I was carrying a ton of my old macho male baggage with me. Plus, speaking of safe spaces, I would be remis not mentioning all the current concern over a pre opt transgender woman in a woman's locker room without any clothes, I don't believe it's time for  any real input from me  Except from saying personally, I wouldn't want to show off my naked body in either locker room and I can't imagine someone doing it without backlash. Also, as a transgender community, we don't need any potential negative publicity. 

On a brighter note, I hope you all have found and developed your own transgender safe spaces.  

Feminine Socialization 201

 Essentially this is a continuation of my recent post describing portions of my early feminine socialization. Included  in the post, I wrote about almost being included in a bachelorette party get together. I say almost because I was briefly invited then heard nothing more about it. I didn't give it much more thought because the marriage only lasted approximately one week. 

The entire situation started when I expanded where I was going to socialize, or try to. If it sounds as if I was doing quite a bit of drinking during this period of my life, it was because I was. It is important to note I rarely drink alcohol at all now. Back then though I used it as a crutch in numerous ways. When I drank I was braver to go and try to socialize with others. To basically dive into the girls sandbox and see what happened. 

What happened was I found I was accepted into a small group of acquaintances who were socially interesting. Especially the exotic sister of one of the bartenders. She was truly exotic in that she was a dancer as well as being a hair stylist. This was in addition to her being a well tattooed dark haired beauty. To say I was envious is an understatement. She always threatened to work on my hair but I wasn't sure how that would work back in those days when I was wearing a wig. It turned out it never really mattered. The rest of the group included me (the transgender woman) a lesbian, the bartender and her husband as well as others who drifted in and out. 

How I looked back then.

Very quickly it seemed our little group of acquaintances who gathered in the venue for drinks grew. Included in the group was a big teddy bear of a man who worked in a local lumber yard  and rode a classic Indian motorcycle. He fell in love with the exotic one and they decided to get married at the spur of the moment. Ironically, I think most of the group thought it was the wrong move to make. I know I did.

We all were right because the marriage only lasted one week. After it was over, it turned out my feminine socialization was to take another turn into new territory. I was becoming attracted to a man who was paying some sort of attention to me. It all started when the marriage had dissolved. The poor guy still kept coming into the venue and I thought was treated rather poorly by most of the group. I felt sorry for him and let him know. By knowing both of them the short time I did, I didn't think the two were a match made in heaven. 

At any rate the group began to go in separate directions but I kept coming in the venue as did he. Surprisingly to me, he chose to sit next to me at the bar and all of the sudden I had the ultimate validation of a novice transgender woman...a man at my side. Especially a bearded one who rode a motorcycle. I always fantasized about how it would be to ride with him but never got the chance. Very quickly he took another job and moved away from the area.  

What did I learn? Even though I was having a difficult time being attracted to male companionship, I proved it wasn't totally out of the question. Also knowing the lesbian in the group was my introduction into knowing anyone who identified as a cis gay female. 

Most importantly I gained another level of confidence. I found I could socialize with a diverse group of other people.

I had graduated to another level of life on my transgender path and it was looking more and more as if there was no turning back.