Not Scared? In the Wrong Room

 

Image from Alexandra Gorn
on UnSplash.

I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was to interact with the public when I first began to attempt to live in the public's eye.

One night in particular always stands out in my mind. It was the evening when I had pre-determined my cross-dressing days were behind me and I was going out as a transgender woman. Furthermore, I knew if I was successful, it would change my life forever. As I prepared for my big night out, I took extra care with my outfit, makeup and hair. I wanted to make sure I blended properly with all the other women I would be interacting with at an upscale bar I was going to which was heavily frequented by professional women who worked at a nearby mall.

Once I made the short trip to the venue and found a parking spot relatively close to the front door. As I sat in the parking lot, the pressure to go in increased dramatically. As I nervously checked and adjusted my makeup in the car's rearview mirror, again and again the fact was not lost on me I could be changing my life forever. By the time I gathered my courage to actually enter the venue, I could barely breathe and was gasping for air. 

It took me awhile to gather my courage and enter the front doors of the place and interact with the hostess stand. Deep down, I was hoping the hostess would be busy seating other patrons so I could sneak on through and find a seat at the bar. The short distance from the hostess stand to the bar seemed to be miles to me but I made it and luckily found a corner seat at the bar by myself. Plus, the bar itself was supported by two large thick pillars. I figured if I found a seat next to one, I could blend in and hide if I needed to. I did not need to hide as I was approached for my order by a friendly bartender. 

Immediately, my fears began to melt as I ordered my first drink and even started to relax a bit and watch all the other women who had begun to arrive at the bar to enjoy each other's company. As I observed the group, I saw no one was noticing me. So far, so good. No one noticed a very scared novice transgender woman in their group. 

Of course, this evening was only the beginning of my new transgender journey. I knew my life had changed forever. I could never go back to the old unwanted, boring male life I was living. To move forward, there would be many nights when I would be very scared. Somehow, I learned to feed off my fear to propel me forward. No longer was I a weekend cross dresser, I was reborn as a very serious transgender woman.

My end game was using fear to refine my push forward by putting extra time and effort into my fashion and makeup. That way, when I needed to walk past a crowd of strangers in a new venue I was in, I could do it without any issues. 

I finally decided, if I did not feel any fear at all, I was in the wrong room. Especially, in today's climate, it pays to always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe fear is a strong word, but awareness is not.